Author Archive
I Did It!
Posted on: October 3, 2011
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There are so many things we think we can’t do, so we don’t.
I always wanted to teach, but thought I couldn’t, so I didn’t try.
I always wanted to travel, but thought I couldn’t, so I didn’t try.
I always wanted to speak up, but thought I couldn’t, so I didn’t try.
I always wanted to be athletic, but wasn’t, so I didn’t try.
I always wanted to be emotional, but was afraid, so I didn’t try.
I always wanted lots of friends, but that meant talking, so I didn’t try.
I always wanted to say what I really felt, but I was embarrassed, so I didn’t try.
I always wanted to feel accepted for who I was, but felt I would never be, so I didn’t try.
But then something changed.
I started trying.
I am not a teacher, but I teach someone something every day.
I wanted to travel, so I did it. I have been to some great places.
I wanted to speak up, so I tried it, and now you can’t shut me up.
I wanted to stick to a fitness goal, so I started walking. I entered two races and I did them.
I wanted to be more comfortable with my emotions, so I have been trying, and its been OK.
I wanted more friends in my life, so I learned how to be a friend, and it worked.
I wanted to say the things I really felt, so I tried and it felt good.
I wanted to be accepted for who I was, so I started working on accepting myself. And its working.
If we never try, nothing ever changes.
I did it!
I like the sound of those three words.
Avoidance Reduction
Posted on: September 29, 2011
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I finally have been able to upload and edit this clip of Vivian Sisskin discussing her avoidance reduction therapy at the FRIENDS conference this past July. For some reason, I was unable to upload it to YouTube from my home computer.
And no, I wasn’t avoiding posting it!
Vivian’s approach to stuttering therapy continues to intrigue me, as it deals directly with our fears of stuttering publicly. For people who stutter covertly, avoidance reduction is key to desensitization.
Vivian gave me permission to publish. I have about 10 minutes more as well, which I hope to publish soon. Feel free to leave feedback.
If You Only Knew – Episode 68
Posted on: September 26, 2011
Episode 68 features Lisa Bennett, who hails from Wichita, Kansas. Lisa is 29 years old and graduated from Wichita State University in 2010. She is currently in her Clinical Fellowship Year as a SLP in the Emporia-area. She works in the public school coop there.
Lisa and I had “met” online through one of the stuttering email chat groups several years ago. We met in person at the 2009 NSA conference in Scottsdale, AZ. I didn’t realize that Lisa had attended the first workshop I ever did at NSA, back in 2008 in New Jersey.
Lisa mentions that she remembers some things I had said during that workshop, “Letting It All Hang Out: Being REAL With Our Stuttering.” My friend Mary and I had co-facilitated that workshop, which examined some parallels between The Velveteen Rabbit and stuttering. Needless to say, I was thrilled to learn that it had an impact on Lisa.
Listen in as we discuss covert stuttering and how Lisa landed in the job that she thought most unlikely – working as a SLP in the schools. We also discuss how stuttering can dictate decision-making, speech therapy experiences, authenticity and acceptance.
Lisa shares a major insight with us – which I just loved. She says towards the end of our conversation, “I don’t hate stuttering anymore.”
Lisa was nervous during this conversation, and I assured her she had no reason to be! Please, leave feedback for Lisa and let her know what a great job she did. Feedback is a gift.
Music used in this episode is credited to ccMixter.
Emotionally Inarticulate
Posted on: September 21, 2011
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Sometimes I wonder if I am the only one who experiences this, but I know this cannot be true. Everyone must, from time to time. Here’s what I mean. Sometimes, I feel emotionally paralyzed by a situation and find myself unable to say what I want to say.
And it has nothing to do with my stuttering. It’s all emotional. There are times when I know what I want to say, or should say, but something between my head, heart and gut freezes and nothing comes out. I find myself emotionally inarticulate.
A really good example of this happened recently, and is in fact, still ongoing.
My father is seriously ill and hospitalized. Last week, he had several large brain tumors removed. I chose not to go and see him, before or after the surgery, despite the risk that he might not survive.
This was not an easy decision for me, as I felt pressured by two of my siblings to join them and “sit vigil” during the surgery. I did not want to. To me, it felt fake.
I have been virtually estranged from my father for years, and we have not talked beyond the once or twice obligatory holiday greetings over the last several years.
I suppose both of us share the blame for this estrangement. I cannot get past feeling let down by my father time after time, and feeling (but not expressing) so angry. And since he re-built a family, he has taken no real initiative to take any interest in my life as an adult.
Maybe it’s time to leave the past in the past, but for some reason, I find myself unable to. And I cannot even articulate why.
I feel two of my siblings were being judgemental and criticizing me for not sitting vigil with them. I found it hard to even let them know how I felt. Both of them asked me the question, “How are you going to feel if he dies? Aren’t you going to regret that you didn’t see him one last time before that happens?’
There are things that I wish I could say to my sisters. Like, “don’t judge me. We all have different ways of dealing with things.”
And there are things I wish I could say to my father, but I know I can’t without feeling extremely vulnerable and getting too emotionally upset. I have always felt he was ashamed of me, stemming back from when I first began stuttering.
If I had the courage, I would want to ask him if he has ever been proud of me, and loved me for who I am, and not what he wished I was.
But I can’t seem to do that. Around these most vulnerable and painful matters, I remain emotionally inarticulate.
Why?
Episode 67 features Georgia Stephens, who hails from Minneapolis, Minnesota. Georgia had a career as a choreographer, writer and dance performer for about 30 years.
She is currently enrolled in the Master’s degree program at St Mary’s University, studying Counseling Psychology.
Georgia is interested in perhaps using dance to help people who stutter, and hopes to combine traditional talk therapy with dance therapy.
Georgia shares how she came to experience that most people think that we can only communicate using words. She realized that is not true, that we can also communicate through dance and movement.
Listen in to a fascinating conversation about dance and movement, covert stuttering, blocking, and the energy we use when trying not to stutter. We also discuss beating ourselves up, shame, disclosure, and support.
The podcast safe music used in this clip is credited to ccMixter. Please be sure to leave comments for Georgia or just let her know what a great job she did! Feedback is a gift!
Self-Advocacy
Posted on: September 15, 2011
This school year I am excited about the potential to offer self-advocacy groups to students transitioning from high school to college. For most students, entering college can be a rude awakening. They go from a relatively safe, structured environment to a college setting where they are expected to be independent and employ self-motivation.
Many students fail miserably at this, as they often move from a high school setting with hundreds of students to a college with thousands of students. This can be overwhelming, especially if the student has a special need and requires assistance that they have to ask for themselves.
Lots of young people do not know how to stand up for themselves. They may feel intimidated by the process or embarrassed by the potential of being seen as different.
Right now, I am working temporarily at the same school I have been at for about 4 years. I am hoping the system will find me a permanent title, so I can go about the business of helping students navigate through high school and be ready for success in college.
I have been going around to classes this week and presenting sexual harassment prevention training. I have also let students and staff know that I hope to be providing self advocacy groups throughout the year. I explained what self advocacy is and why its an important skill to have.
I surprised myself by using my stuttering as an example. I told every class that I stutter, and what that was like for me in school NOT talking about it and being afraid to volunteer in class or let anyone know.
I shared that now as an adult, I have learned how to talk about it openly and have disclosed in the workplace. I let the students know that I ask for an accommodation. I prefer to not use the public address system in my building, for fear of having my stuttering broadcast through the building.
I told the students that I always imagined that if that happened, everyone would laugh at me. Even though that probably wasn’t true, that is what I thought, and our thoughts sometimes become our reality.
Surprisingly, as I disclosed this personal information about me with class after class, I felt great. I felt empowered and it made sense to relate a personal example of advocacy as I discussed advocacy.
And the students listened intently, and there was not one look of concern, or confusion, or anyone trying to conceal a smile or humor, which I always thought might happen.
I shared with them that now I won’t have to worry about reactions when I stutter in front of them, since I already put it out there to them.
Do you have any similar examples? Or thoughts?
So Much Has Changed
Posted on: September 11, 2011
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So much has changed in the last 10 years. Our way of life has changed significantly. My life changed significantly.
Like most Americans, I can remember where I was and what I was doing on that September morning. I was working at Job Corps and a student came in to my office telling me she had just heard about the planes that crashed into the towers.
She was from New York City, as were many of our students. As word spread throughout our Center, many students wanted to call home and check on family. It was tough. We did not allow students to use cell phones during the school day, and many didn’t have them anyway. The phone lines were jammed.
It was a Tuesday and we were expecting new enrolling students from NYC that afternoon. It was my job to drive to the bus station and pick them up. I remember feeling really panicked about going to the bus station. In the morning, we did not really comprehend what was going on.
We still didn’t understand by afternoon. I remember asking if someone would go with me to the bus station. I was afraid to go alone. I remember looking up at the sky, feeling that surreal terror that I know everyone was feeling, but I didn’t know that then.
I felt alone that day, very alone. I know that now because I was not living life the way I should have been.
So much has changed since that September day.
Fear of change and the unknown prevented me from doing a lot of things. I learned about fear and the unknown just like everybody else that day, and forever after.
I no longer work in the same place. I am no longer in an abusive relationship that sucked the life out of me. My grandmother died, my father survived a brain tumor, and my step-father died.
I tried some speech therapy for my stuttering for the first time, and also some psychological therapy, to start working on childhood demons. I am still dealing with fear and uncertainty every day, just like everyone does, but I feel more empowered to move forward instead of staying stuck.
So many people lost their lives that day. Children have grown up not knowing parents who were lost. I have parents that I don’t know well.
Life is too short to not live it. I don’t live life perfectly, as much as I tried to and thought I had to for so long.
These days, I am more open and honest with myself and more willing to confront pain and attempt to find ways to continue growing.
My father’s brain tumor is back. There are things I wish I could say to him, but I have not figured out if I really need to or is it just guilt.
So much has changed, hasn’t it?
Safe But Scary – Episode 66
Posted on: September 8, 2011
Episode 66 features Jennifer, who hails from Kingston, Ontario, Canada. Jennifer is in Kingston while attending school pursuing her graduate degree in engineering physics.
Her long-term goal is to work in research and development to be a part of the next great technology advances.
Jennifer and I first “met” via one of the stuttering email groups. She took the plunge to start sharing on the covert-S group. It turns out Jennifer also attended her first National Stuttering Association (NSA) conference in Ft. Worth, Texas this past summer. We met very, very briefly and shook hands!
Jennifer and I discuss her career path and our shared interest in technology, particularly women in science, before we really get into stuttering!
We talk about how Jennifer first made the decision to make some changes in her life, and how important it was for her to hear other people who stutter, when she first found stuttering podcasts.
She also mentions how cool it was to meet Elaine and Patrice, who she had listened to on earlier podcasts.
We also discuss disclosure, advertising, moments of regret and her “border crossing” story!
Credit for the podcast safe music used in this episode goes to ccMixter. Feel free to leave comments for Jennifer or just let her know what a great job she did. Feedback is a gift.
Upcoming 2011 ISAD Conference
Posted on: September 7, 2011
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Unbelievably,October will soon be upon us. For the stuttering community, that means it will soon be time for the 14th Annual International Stuttering Awareness Day (ISAD) on-line conference.
October 22 of each year is the designated world-wide awareness day about stuttering.
For the three weeks leading up to the 22nd, there is an on-line conference that consists of papers and multi-media presentations written and shared by people who stutter, professionals in the speech and language field and college students and professors.
It is the one time a year where there is a virtual smorgasbord of all things stuttering, contributed, read and shared by people affected by stuttering from all over the world.
The conference is organized and maintained by the wonderful Judy Kuster, who maintains The Stuttering Homepage year round, and archives past ISAD conferences as well.
Please check into the ISAD conference once it goes “live” on Oct 1. The best thing about the on-line conference is the opportunity for readers to interact with presentation authors, through threaded discussions which remain active for the entire 3 weeks. That means you can leave comments and questions for contributors, and get responses back.
College students can get college credits for participating and reading all of the papers. And there is a section called “The Professor is In”, where anyone can ask a licensed speech professional any questions about stuttering related issues.
This year’s theme is very telling – “Sharing Stories: Changing Perceptions.” I suspect this means we will be treated to a multitude of presentations where we will learn the stories from people all over the world.
Stories do change our world view. That is evidenced by the stories that are shared on my podcast, Women Who Stutter: Our Stories.
Check out the 2010 ISAD conference for a taste of what this is all about and be sure to check in this year. Tell them Pam sent you!
Have A Good Wuh-wuh-wuh . . . .
Posted on: September 1, 2011
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I got stuck in a good block today. This has not happened in a while and it made me feel very self-conscious.
It was Orientation Day at school and all the staff were in the building readying classrooms for next week. People were visiting with each other and sharing details about summer vacations.
As staff in my wing were leaving, two women walked out together, one of them calling out, “have a good weekend.” I called out the same.
Except it didn’t quite work like that. My reciprocal first three words,”have a good” came out fine. When I went to form the “w” to say “weekend”, nothing happened. No sound came out, but I felt my mouth “tremble” three times as the “w” got stuck and went nowhere.
I didn’t finish my thought! The two women were already out of the office, as I could hear their voices trailing away.
And I felt so aware that my voice too had trailed away, with an unfinished thought hanging heavy in the air.
The two women probably had no clue what had just happened, but I felt so uncomfortable. I felt my jaw and mouth tremble as I “pushed” for the “w” to come out.
It didn’t. I thought about it all the way home. “Why did that happen?” “Why did it bother me so?”
I am glad I was in my office and no one saw me. And I didn’t like feeling glad about that.
Joy and Playfulness – Episode 65
Posted on: August 29, 2011
Episode 65 features Guðbjörg Ása Jóns Huldudóttir, or Gudda, an actress who hails from Reykjavík, Iceland. We chatted while Gudda is in Wroclaw, Poland, where she is in residence at the Grotowski Institute with her theater company, Bred in the Bone.
Gudda got involved in theater when she was about 23 years old. She started off taking some evening classes and then joined a non-professional acting group in Reykjavík. It was only after she had become involved with the Icelandic Stuttering Association (Málbjörg) that she gained the self-confidence and courage to have a go at theater.
Gudda shares how she first became involved with the stuttering community as a young person at an ELSA conference (European League of Stuttering Associations.)
She shares hearing for the first time ever a person who stutters give a public speech. That person was Anita Blom, who is an inspiring presence in the global stuttering community. Gudda has since facilitated her own theater workshop at an ELSA conference. She shares how wonderful it was to bring the joy and playfulness of theater to young people who stutter.
We also discuss advertising stuttering and educating others. As she puts it, we have stuttered all of our lives and are used to it. We have to take care of those who are not, to reduce misunderstanding and patronization.
Credit for the podcast safe music used in this episode goes to ccMixter. Tell us what you think of this episode. Feedback is a gift!
Stress + Change = More Stuttering
Posted on: August 22, 2011
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This is a no-brainer. We all know that stress is not the cause of stuttering, but increased stress can seem to increase our stuttering, making it more noticeable or frustrating.
I wrote about this same topic two years ago when I was going through a unusually stressful time and noticed increased stuttering. You can check out that post here.
I have had a very stressful two months, filled with change and uncertainty, and some pain. On June 30, I was laid off from my job, and still don’t know if I will have a position at the start of the new school year.
On July 30, I had a bad fall from a bike. I needed stitches on my forehead, and sustained a deep tissue bruise on my shin, which 3 weeks later, is just beginning to feel normal again.
And last week, water came into my apartment through a broken drainage pipe outside of my apartment, soaking and ruining all of my carpets. I have to move. Doing so with less than a week’s notice is VERY stressful.
During these past weeks, I have noticed quite a bit more stuttering, in situations where I usually am quite mild. It’s been frustrating for me, because I am used to knowing when I am prone to stutter the most.
Now, I am stuttering a lot in different situations. Including one-on-one situations with friends with whom I rarely stutter. I feel very self-conscious when that occurs.
Does this sound familiar to anyone?
Impromptu Stuttering Q & A
Posted on: August 18, 2011
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This is another clip of Marc Vetri sharing with the audience at the FRIENDS 2011 convention in DC in late July 2011. After a wonderful keynote talk, (clips here) Marc took some unscripted questions from the audience.
We hear from several parents, an adult who stutters, and a teen who stutters who aspires to work in the Culinary Arts field one day.
This is great stuff – honest dialogue about stuttering from an inspiring role model. We definitely need more stuttering role models out there, visible and unafraid to stutter openly.
We’re getting there. We’ll get some women out there too!
Really Not Alone – Episode 64
Posted on: August 15, 2011
Episode 64 features Christine Dits, who hails from South Bend, Indiana. Christine is 22 years old, and just recently graduated from St. Mary’s College with her undergraduate degree in speech pathology.
She is looking to work in the special education field,while applying to graduate schools in the Mid-west. She wants to pursue her Master’s degree so she can one day practice as a licensed speech therapist. She has recently accepted a job as a speech therapy assistant.
I first met Christine when she was a student volunteer at the 2010 FRIENDS convention in Chicago. She attended her first NSA conference in 2010 as well, in Cleveland. We did not meet at that NSA conference, as sometimes happens when there are hundreds of participants!
Christine attended her second NSA conference this year, which was held last month in Ft Worth, Texas. In this episode, Christine talks about what her first time experience was like, and compares it to her second experience, where she felt much more comfortable and eager to meet new friends.
Listen in as we also talk about Christine’s therapy experiences, which did not start for her until towards the end of high school. We also discuss being a “twenty-something” who stutters, and what “recovery from stuttering” means for Christine.
Credit for the podcast safe music used in this episode goes to ccMixter. Feel free to leave comments or questions for either of us. Feedback is a gift.
Self Compassion
Posted on: August 12, 2011
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I just posted a comment to my sister on Facebook that there is no such thing as coincidence, as that has been told to me many times.
I started a blog post last night on self-compassion, as I am reading a great book on that subject right now, and went back to finish the post today. I happened to check into one of the stuttering email groups I belong to, and someone asked an interesting question that I responded to. And I realized that my response to him was about self-compassion.
So I deleted what I had written and decided to post my response to his question. This was his question: “What tips have any of you used to get turned in the opposite direction from negative thoughts and start convincing the Subconscious mind to ”Believe” in positive ones?”
Here’s how I responded to his question.
It sounds like your “inner critic” is running roughshod on you. That inner voice we all have that has been with us for as long as whatever “it” is that we don’t like or wish we could change. Mine still shows up a lot too, way more than I wish she would!
In your case, (and mine) “it” is stuttering. We hate it, we fear it, we wish it would go away. We feel inadequate, inferior, guilty,shamed, and scared of how other people will react.
People who are overweight have that “inner critic” too. In that case, the inner critic says things similar to what yours has said about stuttering:
“I don’t care how much you have learned about eating better
I don’t care how much you have learned about exercise
I don’t care that you feel better when you skip desert
I don’t care that your doctor says you would be healthier if you lost even 5 pounds.”
“We know that you are a big fat loser and are never going to change, so why bother doing any of those things? You are never going to change, no one is ever going to think you are attractive, so go ahead and eat that whole pizza or gallon of ice cream. It doesn’t matter”
It is very hard to be kind to ourselves and not beat our self up all the time. I am reading a good book on self-compassion right now, which reminds us/me that the best way to turn that inner-critic dialogue around is to literally “turn it around.”
When you begin to feel hopeless or anxious or scared or angry – try to be aware of that in the moment and try to say things to yourself like, “I know its hard for you when you stutter and you think everyone is judging you – but they are really not. It’s OK if you just let yourself stutter. You still are a good and valued person.”
Or, “it’s uncomfortable to stutter and see someone break eye contact or make a face, or even laugh. It hurts, doesn’t it? It’s OK to feel hurt once in a while. We all do. It’s OK to cry too”. (That part about crying I am still working on. I frequently have to remind myself that it really is OK.)
The more you tell yourself that you are OK and that whatever change you are attempting is going to take some time, the more practice you will give yourself being more positive with your thoughts instead of negative.
It is by re-shaping these negative thoughts into kinder, gentler ones that we are more able to accept that there are some things about us that we may not be able to completely change, but we are still lovable.
I think that is the whole crux of the matter with stuttering – we feel not good enough, and fear rejection. Being rejected means on some level that we feel unloved.
As hard as it is, allowing yourself to talk kindly to yourself, instead of letting that “inner critic” have free reign and hog up all the space, makes much more sense.
Having compassion for ourselves allows us to see that we are not perfect, and that we do not have to try to be. When we can be compassionate and gentle with ourselves, we then can be for others.
Huh! As I read this back, I was pretty impressed with how good that came out. I guess this book on self-compassion is really hitting some chords with me. What about you?
Make Room For The Stuttering 
What people are saying!