So Much Has Changed
Posted September 11, 2011on:
So much has changed in the last 10 years. Our way of life has changed significantly. My life changed significantly.
Like most Americans, I can remember where I was and what I was doing on that September morning. I was working at Job Corps and a student came in to my office telling me she had just heard about the planes that crashed into the towers.
She was from New York City, as were many of our students. As word spread throughout our Center, many students wanted to call home and check on family. It was tough. We did not allow students to use cell phones during the school day, and many didn’t have them anyway. The phone lines were jammed.
It was a Tuesday and we were expecting new enrolling students from NYC that afternoon. It was my job to drive to the bus station and pick them up. I remember feeling really panicked about going to the bus station. In the morning, we did not really comprehend what was going on.
We still didn’t understand by afternoon. I remember asking if someone would go with me to the bus station. I was afraid to go alone. I remember looking up at the sky, feeling that surreal terror that I know everyone was feeling, but I didn’t know that then.
I felt alone that day, very alone. I know that now because I was not living life the way I should have been.
So much has changed since that September day.
Fear of change and the unknown prevented me from doing a lot of things. I learned about fear and the unknown just like everybody else that day, and forever after.
I no longer work in the same place. I am no longer in an abusive relationship that sucked the life out of me. My grandmother died, my father survived a brain tumor, and my step-father died.
I tried some speech therapy for my stuttering for the first time, and also some psychological therapy, to start working on childhood demons. I am still dealing with fear and uncertainty every day, just like everyone does, but I feel more empowered to move forward instead of staying stuck.
So many people lost their lives that day. Children have grown up not knowing parents who were lost. I have parents that I don’t know well.
Life is too short to not live it. I don’t live life perfectly, as much as I tried to and thought I had to for so long.
These days, I am more open and honest with myself and more willing to confront pain and attempt to find ways to continue growing.
My father’s brain tumor is back. There are things I wish I could say to him, but I have not figured out if I really need to or is it just guilt.
So much has changed, hasn’t it?