Make Room For The Stuttering

So Much Has Changed

Posted on: September 11, 2011

So much has changed in the last 10 years. Our way of life has changed significantly. My life changed significantly.

Like most Americans, I can remember where I was and what I was doing on that September morning. I was working at Job Corps and a student came in to my office telling me she had just heard about the planes that crashed into the towers.

She was from New York City, as were many of our students. As word spread throughout our Center, many students wanted to call home and check on family. It was tough. We did not allow students to use cell phones during the school day, and many didn’t have them anyway. The phone lines were jammed.

It was a Tuesday and we were expecting new enrolling students from NYC that afternoon. It was my job to drive to the bus station and pick them up. I remember feeling really panicked about going to the bus station. In the morning, we did not really comprehend what was going on.

We still didn’t understand by afternoon. I remember asking if someone would go with me to the bus station. I was afraid to go alone. I remember looking up at the sky, feeling that surreal terror that I know everyone was feeling, but I didn’t know that then.

I felt alone that day, very alone. I know that now because I was not living life the way I should have been.

So much has changed since that September day.

Fear of change and the unknown prevented me from doing a lot of things. I learned about fear and the unknown just like everybody else that day, and forever after.

I no longer work in the same place. I am no longer in an abusive relationship that sucked the life out of me. My grandmother died, my father survived a brain tumor, and my step-father died.

I tried some speech therapy for my stuttering for the first time, and also some psychological therapy, to start working on childhood demons. I am still dealing with fear and uncertainty every day, just like everyone does, but I feel more empowered to move forward instead of staying stuck.

So many people lost their lives that day. Children have grown up not knowing parents who were lost. I have parents that I don’t know well.

Life is too short to not live it. I don’t live life perfectly, as much as I tried to and thought I had to for so long.

These days, I am more open and honest with myself and more willing to confront pain and attempt to find ways to continue growing.

My father’s brain tumor is back. There are things I wish I could say to him, but I have not figured out if I really need to or is it just guilt.

So much has changed, hasn’t it?

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2 Responses to "So Much Has Changed"

This is a beautiful post Pam. You are right, we need to live life and love our loved ones. Stutering seem so small on that scale. I remember the next morning after 9/11 I walked my daughters to their schoolbus and there was a bus driver whom we didn’t know. And a line of frightened parents not willing to let their kids go on that bus before they are absolutely sure he is not a terrorist. I remember waiting for the kids from school that day with fear. All that was long time ago, but fear remains. It is all very sad. Many lives were lost to hatred.
Anna

Thanks Anna! Life changed that day! I for one no longer take life for granted. I have learned that we have to (try at least) live each day as if it was our last. I try really hard to not cave in . . . . some days it is so much harder than others!

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© Pamela A Mertz and Make Room For The Stuttering, 2009 - 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Pamela A Mertz and Make Room For The Stuttering with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. Same protection applies to the podcasts linked to this blog, "Women Who Stutter: Our Stories" and "He Stutters: She Asks Him." Please give credit to owner/author Pamela A Mertz 2017.