Posts Tagged ‘acceptance of stuttering’
It’s Showtime – Episode 37
Posted on: December 9, 2010
Episode 37 features Veronica Lynch, who hails from Dublin, Ireland. Veronica and I share a history of being extremely covert, and then making the transition to overt stuttering. We are both contributing members of the Covert-S email group.
Veronica worked for 30 years with the Irish Airports Authority. She has recently retired, with her last position being Insights and Strategy Manager, of which she was very proud. Veronica worked her way up the ranks in her career, starting with a back room job that didn’t require much talking.
Listen in to a powerful conversation about covert stuttering, “the aha moment” and what it is like living a parallel life. Veronica and I have remarkably similar stories about how we arrived at acceptance, and Veronica shares hers in-depth in this episode. She shares about how being covert means often we have to “be on” and “act” like we are on performing on stage all of the time, which coverts know, can be just exhausting.
Veronica also shares about what the journey has been like having a child who stutters, and how helping her daughter is what ultimately helped her. Veronica also touches on the profound notion that “when the student is ready, the teacher will find you.”
Veronica has been very involved with self-help in Ireland, and is an Executive member of the Irish Stammering Association.
Podcast safe music used in this episode is ” Scott Waves to Salty Grace” by J. Lang and is credited to ccMixter.
Can you relate? Feel free to leave comments or questions for Veronica or just let her know what a great job she did!
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I have written about friends who stutter here before. I have many friends whose names begin with J, so if you are reading this and think its you, you’re probably right!
J and I hung out the other night. It’s good to spend time with friends who stutter. We can let our guard down, stutter freely and sometimes, offer candid feedback to each other about stuttering moments. Not always a good idea with non-stuttering friends.
I went to his place and we talked for a while before leaving to see a play. We weren’t sure where to park when we got there, so I called and asked for directions. No problem making the call and stuttering a bit during the brief conversation. I stutter more on the phone, like many of us who stutter.
J then decided he wanted to make sure the play was not going to be too “somber and depressing” for a Thursday night, (he wanted to be entertained) so he called them back. He said he would “practice his speech on the phone”, as that is when he stutters the most too.
As soon as he started talking, he started to tense up, lean forward and block. Immediately, he stood, turned his back to me and walked away as he tried to push the first word out and then move into conversation. This really surprised me. He has never reacted like this, at least around me.
Of course, I have not seen him make many calls. When he calls me on the phone, I can’t see him, only hear, and he is very comfortable with me. I rarely hear him stutter over the phone.
When he finished his call, I mentioned this. I offered that it looked like he did not want me to see his struggle. He said he always does that on the phone. He tenses, leans forward and blocks and that he needs to stand and walk to help him move through the block.
I quietly wondered aloud if he was also uncomfortable with having me actually “see” this struggle. I asked him if he was ashamed of that, and he simply said “maybe”.
We talked about it a little more a couple of days later, and he said it’s not really shame. He said that when he gets in a block, he can’t think. He is so focused on the block that he can’t think. He says anyone around him is a distraction, and that I was a distraction, that’s why he had to move, so he could think.
His blocks are silent blocks, that over the phone I am not going to hear. There is no audible stuttering. Watching him initiate a phone call really allowed me to see the physical tension he has.
It was good that we talked about it. I suggested that if he allows himself to struggle in front of people he trusts, he can desensitize himself when it really happens making calls at work. And I further offered that he is not always going to be able to move away from distractions, and that maybe he needs to think of a way to work with this.
I remember when we recently listened to one of my podcast episodes together. When he heard me stutter on a “p” sound, which I always do, I felt embarrassed having him hear it. I commented “I hate when I do that.” He said it doesn’t bother him and asked, “Why are you so hard on yourself?” I simply said, “I don’t know.”
Yes, it’s always good to talk about our stuttering with someone else who stutters.
Why Be Angry? – Episode 33
Posted on: November 5, 2010
Episode 33 features Sadia Khan, who hails from Brampton, Ontario, Canada, by way of Pakistan when she was just 3 years old.
Sadia is a Grade 3 teacher, which was a life-long dream. Teaching is meaningful for Sadia, as she was told in high school that she should not be a teacher because of her stuttering. Her guidance counselor told her she would be a poor role model.
Listen in to this fascinating conversation about being a teacher who stutters despite having a very negative experience herself in school. Sadia shares about her fear of judgment and largely keeping her stuttering hidden from work colleagues. She shares how important it is for her today as a teacher to create a place of comfort and safety for all of her students.
We also talk about how angry she was with her dad for many years, and how she finally let go of that anger and forgave her dad. Sadia tells us about how she was naturally left-handed and her dad forced her to become right-handed. She thought maybe that trauma of having that change forced upon her was why she started stuttering.
Sadia has been involved with the Canadian Stuttering Association, and gave a speech about her journey with being a woman and teacher who stutters. She has also spoke on the radio about stuttering.
At the end, we have a great back and forth about learning how to build confidence as women who stutter.
As always, please feel free to leave comments for Sadia. Please tell her what a great job she did sharing her story. I think many teachers who stutter will be inspired by Sadia’s courage to share.
Credit for the podcast safe music clip “Firebabies” goes to ccMixter.
Episode 31 features Darlene Brown, who hails from Beltsville, MD, by way of Buffalo and Albany, New York. I first met Darlene in Albany several years ago, when we both attended therapy at The College of St Rose.
Darlene took a break from college when she was studying speech language pathology. She came home to Albany to spend time with her family and attended group at St Rose when I was there.
One vivid memory I have about meeting Darlene was the night when her parents came to observe group. She wanted her parents to understand that her feelings and attitudes about stuttering were not just “her thing”, but that other stutterers shared similar feelings. That was so significant to me, that she felt comfortable enough to have her mom and dad there. She talks about that in our conversation.
Listen in as we also chat about the challenges and opportunities of being a SLP who stutters, being an adult in therapy, designing your own “therapy outside of therapy”, and what Darlene has learned about Darlene.
Credit for the musical clip “Scott Waves His Salty Grace To April” goes to ccMixter.
Please feel free to leave feedback for Darlene. She would love to hear what you thought. (There are a few squeaks and squelches from static that I could not remove. I still have so much to learn about audio editing!)
Trying To Fix You
Posted on: October 18, 2010
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I have been face book friends since the summer with Elissa, a brilliant writer. Elissa wrote a heart-tugging essay about her young daughter Charlotte’s stuttering. I linked to this essay before. Check out “Fighting Words” if you missed it.
Recently, Elissa posted a link to the song “Fix You” by Cold Play that played at a party she was at for really sick kids. She wondered if the song had just been coincidence. Elissa recalled how fervently her brother and his colleagues had tried to “fix” a young patient 7 years earlier.
For some reason, I commented on Elissa’s post that the song “Fix You” reminded me of the stuttering journey. We then shared this exchange, which really touched me. We have not met, yet we both spoke from a similar place.
She, the parent of a young child who stutters, anxious to make the right decision for her daughter. And me, an adult who stutters, who is still affected by my parents’ choices years ago about my stuttering.
Me: This song so reminds me of the stuttering journey. I met a family 2 years ago. Both sons stutter. The dad is a surgeon who for years thought he had failed as a parent, because as a surgeon, he is so used to fixing his patients. He could not fix his sons and it haunted him. Finally, he (they) reached a point where he knows he does not need to fix his kids . . . they are perfect just the way they are.
When I see this family, I am reminded of how I felt for a long time that I needed to be fixed. Now, when I see them, I hug mom and we watch her children laugh and play and enjoy life . . . And we know, that not needing fixing is the real prize. Thanks for sharing the story about the sick kids and the song.
Elissa: I’m so glad you wrote! I don’t know if you saw my post of last week, where I was struggling with exactly this question: wanting to get speech therapy for Charlotte because she is in so much distress, …yet not wanting to send her the message that she needs to be fixed. In some unspoken way, I believe my brother chose not to spend a tremendous amount of his precious energy on the attempt to fix his stuttering.
I truly understand and honor that choice. She’s far too young to make or even understand that kind of choice, though. I’m in the wildly uncomfortable position of needing to make it for her. The hardest parenting moments for me have been ones in which every course of action is a potential betrayal. I’m tempted to ask you what you would do if she were your child. No one person can tell me what to do, but I really welcome all the perspectives I can get.
Me: Well, you didn’t officially ask, but I will share my opinion anyway! I grew up thinking the awful thought that my father was ashamed of me. When I stuttered, he would yell at me, or tell me to “stop that”. In my 5-year-old mind, which I can still remember, getting negative feedback from my dad was the worst thing imaginable. I thought, “was I so horrible that even my own father was ashamed?” I learned years later that my mom felt incredible guilt for not standing up to my dad and insisting that I be allowed to get some help, because he wouldn’t allow it.
Needless to say, I had a hard time with my self-image and expressing feelings as a child. What would I do for Charlotte? Its different, because I stutter and you don’t. I would try to set an example for her that it is OK and that stuttering is just a different way of talking. You can’t model that for her, but maybe you can have her meet other kids who stutter, and get as comfortable with stuttering as possible so that her struggle behavior naturally decreases. I have no idea how I would have reacted to therapy as a kid, but it would have made a huge difference to meet and know others like me. Your heart will guide you for what is best for Charlotte.
Elissa: Thank you. My God, I can’t help feeling enraged at your father for his response to you as a child. Not that my rage is of any use to you now, but… if I picture Charlotte hearing those words, my heart could just crack in half. I’m …so sorry that your formative years were spent in that situation. I will definitely be attending the Friends events from now on… this past year was a little too soon, I felt, and that’s unfortunate, especially since the convention was in Chicago! My brother’s city! I know that he almost went himself.
This might sound completely messed up, but Charlotte’s lovely and wonderful teacher let me know that two other kids in her class have severe speech impediments also, and God help me, I was ecstatic to hear that.
Me: Your response does not sound messed up at all – we need others to be like us so we feel some normalcy.
What do you think? What would you have told Elissa? She welcomes all the perspectives she can get.
Speaking Of Courage – Episode 28
Posted on: October 1, 2010
Episode 28 features Carolina Ayala,who hails from Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Carolina works supporting people with intellectual disabilities. She is passionate about putting a positive spin on the label”disability”, and shares her personal perception of stuttering as a disability.
Carolina attended York University in Toronto and fulfilled the requirements in 2009 for a Master of Arts in the graduate program in Critical Disability Studies. She wrote a thesis research paper on stuttering, identity and acceptance.
I met Carolina at a NSA Conference in New Jersey in 2008, but really got to know her better this year at the NSA Conference in Cleveland. We spent a lot of time talking and she gave me a copy of her thesis research paper. I read it over the summer and asked Carolina to consider sharing her story in this forum.
Listen in as we discuss self image, friends and fitting in, discrimination, authenticity, or as Carolina puts it, being robbed of her true self. Carolina also discusses her role as a child in a documentary about stuttering called “Speaking of Courage.” And she reminds us of the importance of “listen to what I say, not how I say it.”
Credit for the podcast safe music “Scott Waves to April’s Salty Grace” goes to ccMixter.
Feel free to leave comments. Carolina would be especially interested if anyone would like to further discuss her thesis research on stuttering as related to a disability. She welcomes feedback or questions.
Giant in Chains
Posted on: September 30, 2010
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In a recent chat with friend “A”, about stuttering of course, we found ourselves talking about self-esteem. We both have felt shame and embarrassment at different times due to our stuttering. And we agree that feelings of shame is a reason people who stutter try to keep it hidden.
“A” wanted to know what things were like for me earlier in my journey, when I wasn’t as comfortable with myself as I am now! In my twenties and thirties I had a hard time with general acceptance because I didn’t like a lot of things about myself. One of those things was stuttering and I always thought it was the main reason why I had such a low opinion of myself. I referred to myself as having low self-esteem at the time.
“A” challenged me to think about this another way. He likened stuttering to being a “giant in chains”. He described having felt unable to achieve his full potential because stuttering held him back.
So he wondered if stuttering resulted in low self-esteem or just an inability to realize our potential because we let the stuttering get in the way. “A” said he felt like a giant with so much potential inside him, that went untapped, because he wasn’t able to communicate the way he wanted.
I think a lot of my potential went unrealized. I let stuttering make decisions for me back then. I always wanted to be a teacher. But I let stuttering, or more correctly, my fear of stuttering, make me steer clear of that. I settled for a career that I thought would involve less talking. (Which of course turned out completely wrong!)
I also settled for a relationship that was never truly right for me. I had such a fear that no one would ever love me. And my stuttering was such a part of that.
I wonder . . . can you relate to this? Did you ever feel you had poor self-esteem when it was actually unrealized potential? And have you let stuttering make decisions for you that you would completely choose differently if given a second chance?
If given a second chance, I would definitely have pursued becoming a teacher and I would not have stayed so long with someone who was not right for me, in all the important ways!
Episode 27 features Aileen, who hails from Long Island, New York. Aileen is a senior in high school and already finding it unbelievable that she will be heading off to college next year.
Aileen is a member of Friends and an active mentor for Friends through the Stepping Up program. She has done classroom presentations and compiled ideas for other kids about talking openly about stuttering.
I had the chance to hear Aileen share part of her story at the Friends Convention held this past summer in Chicago. I was so impressed with her willingness to help others by sharing her personal journey. I was honored when Aileen accepted my invitation to share her story with us.
Listen in as we chat about positive therapy, moving from embarrassment to acceptance and the impact Friends has had on her perspective and attitude. Aileen has tremendous insight into her stuttering and its place in her life already!
I noticed in my dialogue with Aileen that I used a lot of filler words – lots of “uhms” and “like”, which I was not comfortable with! In my listen-back, it seemed I was trying to avoid more stuttering. Wonder why?
Credit for the podcast safe music clip “Echoed” goes to ccMixter.
As always, please feel free to leave comments and especially let Aileen know what a great job she did!
Episode 26 features Carol Buckingham, who hails from Manassas, Virginia. Carol was the leader of the Northern Virginia NSA Chapter for 15 years, and continues to enjoy being a member of this long time, successful chapter.
I met Carol at my first NSA Conference in 2006, but really got to know her two years ago in Parsippany, NJ . Carol missed the NSA Cleveland this year, her first time missing a conference in 19 years. Carol joined the NSA when it was first known as the NSP or National Stuttering Project.
Carol worked for many years with the federal EPA or Environmental Protection Agency. She shares how she never let her stuttering interfere with doing her job, which involved lots of telephone contact with consumers.
These days, Carol is actively involved with the Farmers Market in her area, helping out 4 or 5 days a week. It seems to really have turned into a second career for her. Check out the Farmers Market newsletter for more information.
Listen in as we discuss acceptance of self and by others. She talks about how she never thought she would find someone who would love her, and how finding that person gives her strength. She is happy with her life.
We also discuss standing up to negative listener reactions to stuttering and how Carol defines “normal”.
Feel free to leave comments. Feedback is so important. It lets me know you are listening.
Credit for the podcast safe music clip, “I’m Gonna Go” goes to DanoSongs.
(Author note about this episode: this was one of the more difficult editing tasks I have had so far. Carol and I had a poor connection the day we chatted. Parts of this audio are not as smooth as I would have liked!)
Episode 25 features Katherine Preston, who lives in Chicago, IL via London, England. I had heard about Katherine about two years ago through some of the stuttering email groups. She was writing a book about stuttering and was looking for people to interview.
I met Katherine at the Friends Convention this past July in Chicago. We got to chatting at one of the workshops. She mentioned she was writing a book and I mentioned that I had recently started this podcast for women who stutter to share their stories. We knew there and then that we would eventually have this conversation!
Katherine has a great story. She was trained as a writer/journalist, but found her way into working in Finance in London. She wanted to write a book, so that she could find the bigger meaning of stuttering. She knew it was much bigger than her own experience.
Katherine tells of interviewing two people who stutter in the UK, and then determining that if she was going to do this book right, she would need a much broader scope. She shares her decision to leave London and come to the US, where she traveled around the country eventually interviewing more than 100 people who stutter.
Part of her story includes the journey itself, which included camping out and staying at stranger’s houses. I learned about a unique form of travel adventure known as couch surfing, which I want to try!
Listen in as we talk about random moments, acceptance, voluntary stuttering, dating/socializing and of course the next steps towards the completion of Katherine’s book. I try in vain to determine what the name of the book will be!
Credit for the podcast safe music clip “Echoed” goes to ccMixter
Feel free to leave feedback or questions for either Katherine or Pam here.
Episode 22 features Heather Baier, who hails from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Heather is an apprentice meteorological technician. She explains precisely what this is, after it is evident pretty quickly that I have no idea!
I first met Heather through the Twitter community. We periodically ran into each other on-line, and chatted together in a couple of group Skype calls. We eventually became Face book friends too. But we didn’t really get to know each other until we did this podcast episode.
Listen is as we chat about Heather’s work in a non-traditional career path, as well as her prior military experience. She has always been interested in electronics and science, and a secret passion for FLYING.
We also chat about the importance of her close-knit family, life lessons she has learned, and how positive attitude and choosing happiness has indelibly shaped her life.
You can find out more about Heather by reading her fantastic blog, The Adventures of an Apprentice Met Tech Ti-ger. Here, she talks about her work, stuttering acceptance and how everything all fits together.
Musical credit for the clip “Silver Shine” goes to Dano Songs, which is podcast safe music.
Feel free to leave comments or questions for Heather. She’d love to hear your feedback. I would too.
Doing The Work
Posted on: August 4, 2010
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I have been having this back and forth email discussion with someone who thinks that I should continue to do work on my stuttering. I have not been involved in any formal support or therapy for about six months.
Informally, I have been chatting with women who stutter at least weekly for the last three months. This is my therapy right now. I can stutter freely with others who understand me and I get to talk about feelings as well.
Is there some other type of work I should be doing? Is my stuttering getting worse? I don’t think it is, and I feel like I have a healthy and positive attitude right now. OK, it is summer and I am not as engaged in speaking situations as I am doing the school year. But no one has said to me, “Geez, you’re stuttering is getting out of hand. Maybe you should be working on it.”
The person who thinks I should continue to “do the work” hasn’t seen or talked to me in six months. She doesn’t stutter. I don’t know if she listens to my podcasts. I doubt it, but you never know.
I think living with stuttering and managing it every day and not letting it interfere with the choices I make IS doing the work.
What do you think?
Be Open To The World-Episode 16
Posted on: August 1, 2010
Episode 16 features Irina, who hails from Burgas, Bulgaria. She is a published author and journalist, and has also worked in the disability sector.
I met Irina on Face book through another friend in Belgium. It still amazes me how technology allows us to reach out and talk with others all around the world, as easily as if we are sitting in the same room together.
Something special happens when people who stutter reach out to one another. You can hear it as we chat! Especially women! We realize immediately that we are not alone and that our feelings are very similar.
The three books she has published are I Stutter (2005) and the novels Almost Intimately (2007) and Annabel (2010). Irina stutters confidently in six languages. Her hobby and passion is Argentinian tango and she dances it regularly, also when traveling (always a pair of tango shoes in her bag).
We chat about many things in this wonderful conversation. We discuss how acceptance came into Irina’s life, her discovery of the Bulgarian Stuttering Association, and what led her to writing. This is a short essay that Irina wrote for a contest about stuttering.
Irina was also former Deputy Mayor for “Health Care, Social Activities and Integration of People with Disabilities”, Sofia Municipality (Bulgaria).
She is a woman who has touched many lives with her own story of stuttering and her advocacy.
I am proud to know her and have her share part of her story with us! She will have to visit again to share what we didn’t get to!
You are welcome and encouraged to leave feedback for us!
I use podcast-safe music under the Creative Commons license. No copyright infringements here!
Women Who Stutter – Episode 14
Posted on: July 19, 2010
Episode 14 has been removed from the podcast archives.
This episode featured a woman that I got to meet when I visited the UK for the first time a few months ago (March/April 2010.) It was such a delight to meet her in person, and her family, after having only “met” S on-line through social media.
She invited me and and two other new friends into her home for a beautiful luncheon. After lunch, we had a tour of her home town and the seacoast of England. We also sat around her kitchen table over tea talking about everything women everywhere talk about.
It was one of the best experiences in my life. I look forward to when our paths cross again.
My First Solo Workshop
Posted on: July 16, 2010
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I did a solo workshop at the NSA conference last week, and also helped with the Toastmaster Demo meeting. Both of these workshops were back-to-back on Saturday afternoon.
On Saturday morning, I worked with a small group of teens. We did some video recording, which will be posted on YouTube and the NSA website (front page, I hope, as these young people’s messages are outstanding).
I gave a speech at the Toastmaster meeting, which I really enjoyed doing. I spoke about my recent visit to England and what it was like visiting a meeting of the British Stammering Association. I thought it was great to speak about this at a US stuttering convention, as it serves as a reminder how global stuttering is.
Doing a Toastmaster Demo meeting is a great opportunity for toastmasters. We get to explain what Toastmasters is all about and the benefits to be gained by becoming a member. It is also very empowering to facilitate a Toastmasters meeting where all the roles are filled by people who stutter.
Toastmasters is highly recommended for people who stutter to gain valuable experience with public and impromptu speaking. You also get meaningful feedback from others which helps you set goals for future improvement.
This workshop was recorded by Judy Kuster’s husband, Tom. (I did not know it would be recorded until I saw him setting up the recording equipment). Judy is the guru of The Stuttering Home Page. It will be available for sale on DVD. (Eeeeks!)
The other workshop I facilitated was called, “Ch-Ch-Ch- Changes: Sometimes Change Can Change Everything”. A friend and I had talked about wanting to do a workshop like this since last year. She was unable to attend this year’s workshop, so I did the workshop myself.
My focus was on how one little change in our lives can change everything in our world. And the change doesn’t only happen to us. People around us – family, friends, co-workers, significant others – can be profoundly affected by a change we make or that happens unexpectedly. Entire families are affected when a member is an alcoholic or drug addict. Everybody learns how to cope, or deny, in some way.
And when the alcoholic or drug addict enters recovery, that change again affects the whole family. Suddenly, you have to adapt to a whole new person and new family dynamics. It’s not easy – I speak from personal experience.
Same with stuttering. I behaved and thought one way when I was covert for so many years. When I finally embraced my stuttering and let it out, I changed completely. I grew stronger, more assertive and confident, and less fearful. I grew into another person, and people in my life had to learn how to relate to this new person. Or choose not to.
Profound change happened in my life in just four short years. Change that also affected everyone around me. I discussed this in my workshop and shared parts of my personal journey that I had not shared with too many people.
Change is hard. Change is scary. Change is part of life. Change can change everything in an instant. Be ready for it!
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