Posts Tagged ‘vulnerable about stuttering’
Have A Good Wuh-wuh-wuh . . . .
Posted on: September 1, 2011
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I got stuck in a good block today. This has not happened in a while and it made me feel very self-conscious.
It was Orientation Day at school and all the staff were in the building readying classrooms for next week. People were visiting with each other and sharing details about summer vacations.
As staff in my wing were leaving, two women walked out together, one of them calling out, “have a good weekend.” I called out the same.
Except it didn’t quite work like that. My reciprocal first three words,”have a good” came out fine. When I went to form the “w” to say “weekend”, nothing happened. No sound came out, but I felt my mouth “tremble” three times as the “w” got stuck and went nowhere.
I didn’t finish my thought! The two women were already out of the office, as I could hear their voices trailing away.
And I felt so aware that my voice too had trailed away, with an unfinished thought hanging heavy in the air.
The two women probably had no clue what had just happened, but I felt so uncomfortable. I felt my jaw and mouth tremble as I “pushed” for the “w” to come out.
It didn’t. I thought about it all the way home. “Why did that happen?” “Why did it bother me so?”
I am glad I was in my office and no one saw me. And I didn’t like feeling glad about that.
Stress + Change = More Stuttering
Posted on: August 22, 2011
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This is a no-brainer. We all know that stress is not the cause of stuttering, but increased stress can seem to increase our stuttering, making it more noticeable or frustrating.
I wrote about this same topic two years ago when I was going through a unusually stressful time and noticed increased stuttering. You can check out that post here.
I have had a very stressful two months, filled with change and uncertainty, and some pain. On June 30, I was laid off from my job, and still don’t know if I will have a position at the start of the new school year.
On July 30, I had a bad fall from a bike. I needed stitches on my forehead, and sustained a deep tissue bruise on my shin, which 3 weeks later, is just beginning to feel normal again.
And last week, water came into my apartment through a broken drainage pipe outside of my apartment, soaking and ruining all of my carpets. I have to move. Doing so with less than a week’s notice is VERY stressful.
During these past weeks, I have noticed quite a bit more stuttering, in situations where I usually am quite mild. It’s been frustrating for me, because I am used to knowing when I am prone to stutter the most.
Now, I am stuttering a lot in different situations. Including one-on-one situations with friends with whom I rarely stutter. I feel very self-conscious when that occurs.
Does this sound familiar to anyone?
A Few More Workshop Reflections
Posted on: July 18, 2011
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Here are several more workshop summaries from the 100 workshops that were available to choose from and attend last weekend at the National Stuttering Association conference in Ft Worth, Texas. Having people share their take-away points is important.
As promised, Anna shares her reflections on two more workshops she attended. It’s a good thing my volunteer writers attended different workshops, so we could provide this feedback.
Dr. Baker’s Speech – Treatment Innovations and Journey of Hope presented by Robert Baker Ph.D.
Anna writes: “Dr. Baker, a child psychologist, was once a PWS, but recovered using a theory called “British Object Relations”. Now perfectly fluent and confident, he uses play therapy and this theory to help young kids who stutter. He calls himself “a messenger of hope”. Unfortunately, his explanations of the method and the theory itself were very vague.
I was able to make some sense of his workshop, because of my experience with NLP sessions, and because of my extensive reading on the subject of the subconscious mind and its problems. Judging from audience reactions however, this workshop left many people confused and puzzled, if not annoyed and angry. One PWS in the audience was particularly annoyed by Dr. Baker’s approach and loudly cautioned parents not to “trust just any wacky treatment” only because someone benefited from it. I wasn’t sure about it either.
I am sure glad my parents tried everything from traditional speech therapy to hypnosis and even incantations from a “village witch”. Yet, beside Dr. Baker, I never met a PWS who would say that it was “Object Relation therapy” that helped him or her.”
Going Beyond Stammering with Confidence presented by Maria McGrath.
Anna writes: “Paddy will pick me up after school”, little Maria said to the other kids. Except that she wanted to say Daddy and couldn’t say “D”. Since Paddy was her cow, the kids laughed mercilessly at this mistake. When she graduated from college, she had difficult time finding jobs. She was a good accountant, but had to decline or leave all jobs that required speaking. Now she is fluent… Well, not quite.
Maria told her story in a clear, strong voice with no signs of stuttering. She is a McGuire graduate, who puts a lot of time and effort into mastering the special technique that allowed her to gain fluency. “I still stutter, and I know I will never be able to speak like other people, but I am working on becoming a better speaker every day” says she in her controlled voice. To me it was interesting that the first time she went to McGuire program, she relapsed quickly and resumed her stuttering. Her second time she realized that she needs to change internally as well. This time the success was lasting.”
Thanks Anna (see Anna in action here delivering a speech) for sharing these terrific reflections. It gives others a taste of what they missed.
My friend Alex shares his surprising reflections on the keynote address by Neal Jeffrey.
Alex writes: “The workshop that moved me most was one that I didn’t expect. I was a little skeptical about the Neal Jeffrey workshop, although the NSA all-stars who spoke before him were incredibly inspiring. You can never hear enough stories of people who stutter prevailing and overcoming some of the negatives that we all seem to face.
My skepticism came from reading the bio of Neal in the NSA program, where it mentioned all of his accolades: college quarterback, NFL quarterback, minister, and motivational speaker. Nowhere in the bio did it mention he stutters, so naturally I was unsure how he would be able to relate to us. The first thing he said in his speech was that he is in fact a person who stutters, and right away, he captured my attention.
I do not have a very religious background and although I certainly do respect all those who choose to follow whatever religion they choose, I was blown away by how inspiring this man was. I came away from the session feeling more empowered to be a great person than I ever thought possible.
With the amount of volunteer work I do, the profession I am going into (Speech-language pathology), and my passion for fitness and helping others achieve their fitness goals, one might think that I am already empowered to do great things with my time here on earth. Well, to my surprise, I felt like jumping out of my chair and screaming “AMEN” at certain points throughout his speech. He instilled a greater sense of pride and passion for being a PWS which was amazing for me and I’m sure everyone else in the room.
I really felt as though he made a connection with everyone in the room. Maybe I’m so grateful for this experience because I was not expecting it in the least. He has certainly made a lasting impact in my life.”
Thanks so much Alex for sharing this honest and insightful reflection.
I want to add one more thought. I attended one of the Open Mic sessions, which are offered throughout the conference. I try to get to at least one every year. I was so inspired by how many first-time attendees were willing to stand-up and share something with the group, whether it be why they were there or just saying their name.
These personal testimonies always move me to tears, and this years was no exception! The session I attended was on the first afternoon, hosted by my friend Bernie Weiner!
No Regrets
Posted on: May 5, 2011
I was looking through some old papers amidst some clutter that I keep saying I will get to and organize. I hate to throw anything away. I always think I will need it for something else. And I like to save things and reflect back occasionally on things I’ve done and people I’ve met.
I came across the outline and notes for the first workshop that I did at an NSA conference back in 2008. My friend Mary and I co-facilitated a presentation called “Being Real: Letting It All Hang Out”. It was based on the story of the Velveteen Rabbit and how he “became real” through the processes we all go through in life when we find ourselves.
In this workshop, we spoke about how we had both moved to places in our lives where we were ready to be real with our stuttering. We drew parallels from other areas of life where we felt it was OK to be genuine.
We discussed things like generosity, emotions and courage. It was a very moving presentation. Mary and I shared honestly from our hearts about our struggles, our covert journeys and the price we paid along the way for when we had hidden our true selves.
One of the other themes we discussed was also that “Real Is No Regrets”. We need to do the things we want and live our lives to the fullest. That includes even taking huge risks. It means never not doing the things we love so that we will never have to look back and say, “Damn, I wish I had done that”.
We know where “should haves” leave us. Feeling unfulfilled, feeling we missed out on opportunities, feeling like we don’t matter.
For a long time, I didn’t do things I really wanted to, because I didn’t feel I was worthy. Now, I seem to be making up for lost time. I don’t want to look back and regret that I didn’t do this or try that.
We shouldn’t let our past, our circumstances, or our stuttering keep us from getting wet when it rains.
Recently, I had two moments that really illustrate this. One involved me directly, the other involved a friend who told me about a challenge she confronted.
I had a hard time as a kid. One of the most influential people in my life was a high school teacher who really took an interest in me, and knew that things were hard at home. After high school, without fail, she sent me birthday and Christmas cards every year. I usually reciprocated.
Then life got in the way, and I stopped sending them to her. But her cards came faithfully, until a few years ago. My address changed and the forwarding ended before her annual card. I actually didn’t even notice.
Then last year, she crossed my mind several times, fondly. I remembered things she had said that encouraged me. And then I realized I had not received her annual card. I felt guilty, wishing I had stayed in touch.
I felt like I had somehow betrayed her for not reconnecting. I sent her a Christmas card and included my phone number and a note apologizing for drifting away. A card from her came a few weeks later, with her phone number and a note to call whenever I wanted so we could connect.
It took me four months to call her. I was afraid what she would think of me. I finally got up the nerve and we met for coffee this week. It was so wonderful. We both caught up, talked and shared. It made me wonder, “what was I so afraid of?” I’m guessing it was me!
I am so glad I called Eleanor. We promised to do it again soon. I will make sure it happens.
Last week, a friend emailed me to let me know she finally found the courage to have a tough conversation with her husband. Ann and I had been talking about her attending her first stuttering conference. She shared that she was afraid to ask her husband. I asked her why did she have to ask. Ann felt she didn’t deserve to spend money on something that would only benefit her.
She intimated that her fear of honestly letting her husband know how important something was to her brought her back to the days of when she was a child and felt intimidated by her parents. Ann had stifled her own needs for a long time, just like I had!
I was elated when Ann emailed me and told me she talked to her husband. It didn’t quite go as she hoped, but she had opened a door. A week later, she emailed me that she spoke with him again and that they had reached a compromise and they were going to go together. She only needed to register!
Ann emailed me again, saying her registration was accepted and she had reserved a room. I was so happy and proud of her. We will meet in person for the first time at the conference this summer. I am confident that Ann will not regret her decision. And that we will have a long and joyful hug!
A Monday WOW Moment!
Posted on: March 1, 2011
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I had a great experience yesterday at my school that I wanted, well needed, to share. Two weeks ago I did a workshop at a library called “An Un-Royal Talk About Stuttering: Lessons from The King’s Speech”. It was free and open to the community and we had close to 50 people there. One of them present was a colleague of mine, who had seen the movie, knew I stuttered and was really interested in learning more. She also brought her mother.
She came to me the next day and asked if I would do a similar presentation to the Adult LPN classes, one today and the other one, in a more remote location, next week. She felt students preparing to work in the medical field could benefit from hearing this information from someone who lives it every day. I was nervous, but agreed.
I changed the presentation slightly to adapt to a nursing student’s point of view but planned to keep it close to what I had already done, so I didn’t have more work to do.
One of the first things I started with was the question how many in the class had seen the movie! ZERO! These are all working adults with families who take a demanding and intensive LPN course in 10 months and have little time to breathe, let alone watch a movie.
So I quickly changed my focus, and started telling MY story, hoping they wouldn’t be bored to tears. I shared about my covert years, why I chose that, the hidden feelings of shame and my reluctance to ever show emotion and vulnerability, in addition to stuttering publicly. I shared how I got fired, there was a collective gasp, they wanted to know wasn’t that illegal, etc. I started getting emotional, and one of the teachers brought me the Kleenex box!
Then I shared how my family had NEVER talked with me, or about stuttering, so it was always hard to talk about. I talked about how profoundly my life changed when I was fired and how I decided I wasn’t going to pretend anymore. I was going to let ME out.
You could have heard a pin drop in the room. I noticed and heard a few sniffles. At one point, I asked if anyone knew anyone who stutters, or does anyone stutter. One young woman in her 20’s raised her hand – she said , “I stutter” with tears streaming down her face.
I asked if her class knew, they were all looking now, and she said no, not until that moment. Her classmates then applauded. One girl said, “I thought so, but you are always so quiet, I wasn’t sure”. Heads were nodding and the girl who had disclosed smiled and looked OK.
I started talking about what stuttering is and what it isn’t, and the teacher in the room asked if it drove me insane if people finished my words for me. I smiled and said yes, she said, that as nurses, they are inclined to just want to help.
I then described the different ways stuttering can manifest, and when I got to sometimes people will use lots of filler words, like uhm, and that I used to do that, another hand went up, and a woman said, “OMG, that’s exactly what my 14-year-old son does, all the time. Maybe he stutters. I keep telling him to slow down, take a deep breath”, and she asked what I thought of that. I smiled and said that’s generally not helpful.
She looked concerned and asked out loud, “have I been making it worse for him?” and I said “if we could, we would”. She said she was going to talk to her child about it. She whispered “thank you” to me.
Towards the end, we were running out of time. We had not talked about the movie at all. I showed 1 minute of the 2 minute trailer. They got it. I then asked them if they had ever heard of Porky Pig, and what was he known for. They all knew. They stayed 10 minutes over, which the teachers told me they NEVER do. And they gave a huge applause at the end.
Several came up to me privately, and one more admitted she stutters and is dyslexic but has not told anyone, and that she “got me”. She said she has felt such a huge disconnect, but felt connected with my story as soon as I started telling it. She started crying as we spoke privately and she said she never heard anything this courageous as a teacher standing up in her school telling this story. She kept saying over and over “I got you.”
Who would have thought? 40 students in this Adult class, 2 stutter and one has a child who stutters.
This was a WOW moment for me and I wanted to share it!
Listen To Your Mother
Posted on: February 28, 2011
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That was heard Sunday night a few times as Academy Award winners picked up their Oscars and gave acceptance speeches. It was an extraordinary night for people who stutter. We now have a dignified face put on that which we often hide out of fear and shame.
The King’s Speech won for Best Actor (Firth), Best Director (Hooper), Best Screen Play/Writer (Seidler) and Best Picture. Sweet!
Stuttering is hard to talk about, but has been made easier these past few months and will surely continue in light of this triumph!
My own mother, who doesn’t often say anything about my stuttering, or what I have done with being open about it, did so tonight. Using social media, she posted this on facebook just a few minutes after The King’s Speech won Best Picture.
“Very good night that you really deserve and I know people (including me) appreciate how much you have done to break down walls and shatter secrets and shine a light in some dark corners.”
That was more important to me than anything else I heard the Hollywood people say. Thanks Mom! That touched me!
And below is David Seidler accepting his academy award and thanking people who stutter all over the world.
Bi-bi-bi-bi-bi-binary!
Posted on: December 1, 2010
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I had a big outreach presentation yesterday at one of my local high schools. I am beginning to know my material by heart and can give this talk almost effortlessly. I felt especially good because it was a morning presentation and I had more time alloted than usual. So I did not feel pressured or rushed, as I do sometimes. And I even had a remote for my multi- media presentation (a must with kids!) and found myself walking around the room with ease while talking.
I try to involve the kids in the presentations, by asking questions that I know someone will know the answer to. Trust me! This is vital self-preservation when public speaking. While waiting for someone to respond, it gives me a chance to take a sip of water. You should drink lots of water when talking for a while!
When I started talking about our Information Technology program towards the end, I could see some of the kids looked bored. I asked how many of them had studied a different language. Almost every hand shot up, and they yelled out, “Spanish, French and Japanese”. I asked if anyone knew what computer language was. No one knew. I would just tell them. Nope, not that simple today.
Computers are machines that only understand binary language – the numbers zero and one. Those numbers can be translated into something that us humans can see, read and understand.
I had the biggest block on the word binary. It just wasn’t coming. It came out “bi-bi-bi-bi-bi-bi-NARY”. When I finally got past the “bi”, I pushed “nary” out so hard I was almost out of breath. That almost never happens. In that split second, my mind raced for another word for binary. I couldn’t come up with one – I’m glad I didn’t, but my natural instinct was to try. I also remember my eye squeezing shut as I pushed “nary” out and then I kind of looked around, and the weirdest thing . . . no one seemed to even notice.
I had been in that “lost place” for those milliseconds, which seemed forever, as I pushed the word out . . . and no one even knew I had “gone anywhere” or what had even had happened.
I took a swig of water, paused and finished the presentation. What else could I do? Just let it happen and move forward, right? Right!
Baggage
Posted on: September 8, 2010
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A friend and I watched the tail-end of a show on the Game Show Channel called “Baggage” recently. It is supposedly a modern dating game. Jerry Springer facilitates a match between a person looking for a date and three potential partners. The idea is that you know what you are getting before you start a relationship and can “opt out”.
This video clip depicts Jerry Springer discussing the premise of the show. He mentions that everyone “has issues”.
Each of the three potential partners has three suitcases, each case denoting a fact or tidbit that might make one think twice about getting involved. The larger the suitcase, the bigger the baggage.
It’s one of those shows that is entertaining to watch. You find yourself wondering, “how would I handle that?” When you see a “normal” guy or woman being the one seeking a date this way, you just have to wonder what they are hiding too. Notice my use of “normal” – I am not sure there is such thing as normal!
It turns out the “seeker” does have his or her own suitcase of baggage. Once the seeker has settled on the person with the least amount of baggage, the “chosen one” then has the chance to discover what baggage the seeker has tucked away in their big bag. This reverse baggage might be a “deal-breaker” too.
My friend and I talked about it – he had really only seen the show twice, both times while hanging out with me. I asked him what kind of baggage he might have hidden in his suitcases. His immediate response was, “Stuttering – absolutely, that’s my baggage. Stuttering is a friend that has to go away. I hate it – of course my baggage is the stuttering”.
Honestly, I was surprised to hear my friend refer to his stuttering like this, as something that if found out, it might be a deal-breaker in a potential relationship. He seemed so sure his stuttering was this “dirty little secret” that if someone found out about it, they might opt out of a relationship with him. Be it a friendship or beyond.
Why was I so surprised? Because I stutter too, and I don’t see someone else’s stuttering as baggage. When I look at my friend, I see confidence, personality, playfulness, just HIM. Stuttering is not even part of the equation. I don’t see it.
I don’t see my stuttering as baggage either. I see the sometimes negative FEELINGS I have about stuttering as excess baggage. The embarrassment and shame that can creep in can be baggage that I wouldn’t want anyone else to have to carry.
Mainly that’s because I project (at least I think I do) an image of confidence and being happy with self. I don’t usually let my vulnerability be easily seen. Maybe that’s one of my issues. And my friends’. Being vulnerable. Being exposed. Not the stuttering . . . . . but the vulnerability.
What do you think? Would stuttering be one of the “issues” in your suitcase that you call “baggage”?
A Mom’s Story – Fighting Words
Posted on: June 30, 2010
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I can’t resist posting a link to a great essay a Facebook friend posted yesterday. The mother of one of the Friends regulars is a writer and posts many of her links and articles on her Facebook page.
Yesterday, she posted a link to an essay written by Elissa Wald, the mother of a young daughter who has just begun to stutter. The article is titled, Fighting Words. The subtitle states: A stutter has emerged. Why does everyone insist it is a gift?
The essay explores stuttering literature she has researched, including lists of famous people who stutter. She also reflects on her hopes for her child, that she somehow comes to terms with her stuttering on her own someday and lets her mom know about it.
This essay is honest, poignant, hits home and demonstrates the positive and healthy attitude toward stuttering that all parents should have. I hope as many people as possible read this article and leave comments for Wald on her own site.
She got me thinking about a whole lot of things, as I m sure it will do for you too!
Make Room For The Stuttering 
What people are saying!