Posts Tagged ‘covert stuttering’
I’m The Guest This Time
Posted on: November 9, 2012
I am proud and delighted to be a guest on my friend Evan Sherman’s blog and podcast that he started recently.
Evan and I have a conversation about involvement in the stuttering community, and the “evolution” of my journey. You can listen to it here.
For purists, you can also access it from this direct link – http://www.istuttersowhat.com/a-discussion-with-pam-mertz/. Evan says it drives more traffic to your site if you provide the actual link.
I am happy with how it came out. Take a listen. You can find out a little more about me and my stuttering journey. I rarely “tell my story” as I am usually asking others to share their story.
Thanks Evan!
Episode 18 of the conversations with men features Ray Welchman, who hails from South Australia. Ray is a systems engineer in a defense company.
He also runs “Feel The Fear” workshops as a licensed trainer for Susan Jeffers training. Jeffers wrote the wonderful book Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway.
Listen in as we talk about different therapy experiences, the McGuire programme, avoidance, denial, hiding and so much more.
We talk about courage, growth and Toastmasters. Ray is the president of his Toastmasters club and and often finds himself privately exclaiming “look what I’m doing now.” Confidence and courage help us expand our comfort zones and grow.
Speaking of growth, see this video of Ray performing in a Toastmasters Humorous Speech Contest.
This was a great conversation. Feel free to leave comments or ask questions. Feedback is a gift.
Music used in this episode is from DanoSongs.
Producer note: apologies for the abrupt beginning. Technical difficulties resulted in a few seconds of Ray’s introduction being “cut off.”
Falling Off A Cliff
Posted on: October 27, 2012
- In: Posts
- 2 Comments
What does the actual moment of stuttering feel like to you?
Yesterday in a training, we were talking about metaphors and the trainer was asking us to apply metaphors for things we were feeling.
We were then to dig deep to see if we could identify the feelings behind the metaphor we chose. No one volunteered, so I took a chance.
I shared that a common metaphor for me is that I often feel like I’ve fallen off a cliff and no one has even noticed. As this was a work training on change, everyone believed I was referring to a work situation. I was not. I was referring to how I sometimes feel when I get caught in a good stuttering block.
However, since it was change we were refferring to, I let the trainer dig deeper with me and allowed her to think it was a work issue. It could have been.
She asked how it feels when I fall off the cliff. I said it feels scary and helpless. She asked if there was anything that let me know I was about to fall of the cliff. I said anxiety usually triggered it.
She asked if I knew why I was falling. I said because I wasn’t in control. Everyone was believing this was a work situation. She asked what I could do to prevent the fall. I said I could talk to someone about how I feel before the anxiety tips me over the edge.
She asked what kept me from talking about the way I felt. I said it was fear of being laughed at. She asked who was my direct report. I told her the guys name – he was right in the room. She asked what could I do to feel comfortable talking with him.
I told her I felt comfortable talking with him – that wasn’t it. She kept pushing for me to dig. I didn’t want to admit I was talking about stuttering. She asked again what was I really afraid of, still thinking I was referring to work.
I finally surprised myself and said judgement. There, I had said it. I feel like I am falling off a cliff when blocking and I fear someone is negatively judging me.
But the metaphor surprisingly fit into a pretend work scenario too. I get anxious when I feel someone at work is judging me.
The trainer felt good that I had risked and shared and felt my colleagues had learned from my share. She encouraged us to dig deep when we are feeling the impact of change in our lives. And to use metaphors to help us dig deeper.
I thought long and hard after the training and was happy that I shared this metaphor that I often feel – even though I didn’t come out and directly say I was talking about stuttering. I didn’t have to – it still related to a general fear of judgement, which is a universal fear. We all want to be accepted and not seen as different from the norm.
What about you? How do you feel in the stuttering moment? Is there a metaphor you could use to describe that feeling?
Choosing Her Path – Episode 90
Posted on: August 6, 2012
Episode 90 features Briana Pipkin who was born and raised in Dallas, Texas. Briana is 21 years old and currently a senior at Lamar University in Beaumont, Texas. She is studying to become a speech language pathologist.
Briana decided to study speech language pathology after ruling out other career paths and remembering a positive experience she had as a child.
Listen in as we discuss stuttering choices, disclosure and fear of judgment.
We also discuss covert stuttering as it relates to choices and the responsibility of educating others so they know how to respond. We also talk about the rise of on-line stuttering forums and support groups.
Feel free to leave comments for either Briana or me in the below comment section.
The podcast safe music used in this episode is credited to ccMixter.
Ability
Posted on: May 28, 2012
- In: Posts
- 2 Comments
How many of us have ability that we are not using? Sometimes we don’t allow our skills and talents to shine through because we think (or fear) that our stuttering will overshadow everything else.
I used that excuse myself for a long time. I was afraid people wouldn’t see me or my ability if I stuttered openly. Of course, I also used the excuse that it was safer.
When I stayed quiet, no one had the opportunity to react negatively. In an earlier post, I wrote about choosing to be anonymous. That protects us from negative social consequences, but it also often keeps us from growing.
Never in all the years that I was covert could I have imagined that I would have a job that requires regular public speaking. And that I would also volunteer for speaking challenges through my affiliation with Toastmasters.
I knew deep down that I had ability that I purposely was not using just because I stutter. Along with ability, I also had ambition. I wanted to be successful and do the things I knew I could and not let anything hold me back. I have a voice that I wanted heard.
Recently, I heard or read something about ability which really struck a chord and got me thinking about this. I do not know the source, but I hope it gets you thinking about your abilities and ambitions.
“Ability without ambition is like kindling wood without the spark.”
What do you think?
Wounded Inner Child
Posted on: May 14, 2012
- In: Posts
- 7 Comments
Sometimes I think about that sad, frightened little girl who stuttered and wish I could just give her a great big hug and tell her everything would be OK. If someone had told her that, things certainly would have been different.
She wouldn’t have grown up feeling so insecure, afraid and ashamed. Insecurity, fear and shame stays with those who don’t get early positive messages. How can we change that?
One of the earliest memories I have of stuttering is my father yelling at me to, “Stop that,” “no one talks like that,” or “Jesus Christ, shut up.” I don’t necessarily remember the stuttering, but I vividly remember how that criticism felt, stung!
I didn’t know how to cope. I was afraid of my father and his deep disapproval. He was ashamed of me. He never said that. He didn’t have to.
I wanted my father to love me and be proud of me. I never, ever felt I measured up in his eyes, not as that little girl and not as an adult.
Those feelings of hurt, of being a disappointment, and being disappointed, of not feeling loved, stayed with me a long time. Those early moments drove me to try and hide my stuttering.
I always tried to find that love and approval, which I didn’t think I could as a stutterer.
As an adult, I often still feel the pain and loneliness of that wounded little girl. The shame that still creeps in sometimes when I stutter leads right back to my 5 year old’s shame. I tell myself I am over it, but it comes back to remind me, haunt me, actually.
What can be done to ease the pain that is still there of the wounded inner child? Do you have a wounded inner child that you do not acknowledge, or tend to?
I try to be kind and gentle when she pops in unannounced! I wish I could give her that warm hug and tell her everything will be OK. I wish I could dry her tears and take the pain away.
The closest I can come is to try and embrace myself and remind myself that I am good and special and loved, just the way I am. Stuttering and all!
Can you do that?
Being Anonymous
Posted on: May 10, 2012
- In: Posts
- 6 Comments
Many of us who stutter choose to be anonymous. We don’t want anyone to know we stutter, so we do everything we can to keep our light from shining.
We don’t want to draw attention to ourselves, so we figure out ways to hide, stay quiet, keep in the background. And it’s not just with covert stutterers. Even people whose stutter is very obvious often try to remain anonymous when possible.
It’s safer (we think.) If we don’t get noticed, we don’t expose ourselves to negative feedback. We shield our self from being made fun of, teased or excluded.
But we also fail to get noticed positively, because we often make that choice to be anonymous.
I find it very interesting as a blogger to see how many people comment on blogs as “anonymous” or with just their initials. Especially on stuttering blogs. People who stutter often don’t want their name linked with anything related to stuttering. It seems to be fear based.
Fear of not getting a job. Fear of a girlfriend or boyfriend dumping you. Fear of not finding a girlfriend or boyfriend because you stutter.
Being anonymous also seems to give people a freedom to express themselves more honestly or critically, because they think it can’t be traced back to them.
I heard someone say last week that we should try to look at the light, not the lampshade. But it’s hard to do that when we’re anonymous.
Thoughts?
What It Feels Like To Be Covert
Posted on: March 22, 2012
- In: Posts
- 5 Comments
Like a swan . . . . graceful and elegant on the surface, but frantically thrashing and kicking below the surface to keep it looking that way.
Like I fell off a cliff in mid-sentence . . . . and no one even noticed.
Like observing life through a two way mirror . . . . seeing and hearing everything other people are doing and saying, but feeling unable to participate in the conversation.
Like playing a game of hide and seek . . . . and always being terrifed that my hiding place would be discovered.
I gave a talk last week to master level SLP students. I was asked to talk about what it felt like to be covert.
I used some of these examples, and also talked about the shame involved with stuttering and trying to cover it up.
I don’t think the SLP students got it. I don’t think SLP students get enough information on what it’s like to cover up stuttering.
Have you ever tried to cover up your stuttering? How did it feel?
I got some of these examples from some of my friends who share the covert experience. Thank you!
Letting You Stutter
Posted on: February 16, 2012
- In: Posts
- 4 Comments
This was very interesting to me. In a very succinct way, this quick comment by a friend sums up the covert stuttering experience for some people.
A friend asked how my new job was going. I started a new position in mid November, something that is quite different for me and out of my area of expertise. Part of my responsibilities include providing resources and support to 15 adult education teachers.
In an email, my friend commented, “Wow Pam, you are amazing. You have to manage 15 staff and they let you stutter the way that you do. That is very inspirational.”
To me, this spoke volumes about how we hide our true selves, and how we feel about exposing our differences at work and in professional environments.
What do you think?
Brings Her Joy – Episode 78
Posted on: January 10, 2012
Episode 78 features Fianna Peppers, 27 years old, who hails from Tulsa, Oklahoma. Fianna currently works in a Bank of America call center, something that she never thought she would be able to do because of her stuttering!
Fianna describes herself as a master of word substitution. She has been doing that for over 25 years. She blocks quite a bit as well.
We talk about the huge role that shame plays in the lives of people that stutter. Fianna shares that as a kid, she was made fun of a lot. She relates a recent incident where a co-worker made fun of and mimicked her stuttering.
Fianna and I met in the on-line Facebook stuttering group Stuttering Arena, which boasts over 900 members. She brainstorms frequently with group members and has talked with a few over the phone.
We also discuss acceptance, therapy experiences and feelings. At one point, Fianna gets emotionally choked up as she gets really honest about how much shame has gripped her. This is a jam-packed conversation that covers a lot of ground and a range of emotions.
We also discuss how tiring and draining it is to stutter – it is physically and emotionally exhausting to constantly switch words!
Kudos to Fianna for sharing and being so honest. Please feel free to leave comments or just let Fianna know how well she did. Remember, feedback is a gift!
Credit for the music used in today’s episode goes to ccMixter.
Fight or Flight – Episode 76
Posted on: December 26, 2011
Episode 76 features Andrea Montes, who hails from Seattle, Washington. Andrea works in Redmond as a massage therapist. She always loved getting massages when she was younger, and became good at giving massages because she knew what she liked.
Andrea decided to become a massage therapist, both because of her love for it and because she thought she wouldn’t have to talk much. Not surprisingly, she learned otherwise!
Andrea only “came out” about her stuttering 7 or 8 months ago. She was covert, and worked hard at hiding stuttering at work, for fear of being judged or fired. She was terrified of being found out as a stutterer.
She talks about how it took so much energy to hide, that when she left work and returned to her safety zone, she was almost inaudible. Her blocks were severe after being near perfectly fluent at work.
Listen in as we also talk about quality of life, getting rid of the “fluency dream”, self esteem and anxiety. Andrea also talks about her experience with the McGuire Program, and how it helped her “come out of hiding.”
Andrea shares that she is still dealing with the shame of stuttering, which prompts a segment about how we manage shame and other people’s reactions. Andrea gets really honest about her fear of her “big blocks.”
I loved getting to know Andrea, and loved her gut honesty. Feel free to leave comments or ask questions, or just let Andrea know how great she did in sharing her story.
Credit for the music used in this episode goes to ccMixter.
Blogging On Another Blog!
Posted on: November 30, 2011
- In: Posts
- 3 Comments
I had the honor of writing a piece for another blog, Hiten Vyas’ wonderful The Stuttering Hub. This is the first time someone asked me to write a guest piece on their blog!
Hiten published it yesterday. Be sure to check out his site. In addition to offering regular gems of wisdom about managing stuttering, Hiten also offers mentoring for others who stutter/stammer.
I wrote about my experiences so far at my new job, which I started two weeks ago. I shared how I have gone about disclosing and advertising my stuttering to new colleagues and students.
Those same colleagues and students taught me how the human spirit is still alive and well. See my post here.
My job experiences so far, and being featured on another blog, reinforce to me how powerful human connection really is.
Don’t Quit – Episode 72
Posted on: November 7, 2011
Episode 72 features Janet Lennon, who hails from County Laois, Ireland (which is just about an hour from Dublin.) Janet is 25 years old and works with young children in a playschool.
We “met” through a mutual friend on an on-line stuttering support group.
Janet has stammered since she was about 4 years old. Her parents got her involved in speech therapy at a young age. In 2008, Janet found the McGuire program and also found renewed confidence.
Listen is as we cover a lot of ground in this great episode. We chat about the support and encouragement Janet found in the McGuire program, working with children and the importance of having non-judgmental support systems.
Janet joined Toastmasters in 2010, so we have that in common and chat quite a bit about that. It never ceases to amaze me how universal Toastmasters is. We can be in different parts of the world and know exactly what we are both referring to!
Janet also talks about an article she was featured in about finding her voice and shares the encouragement and inspiration she has felt from this poem called “Don’t Quit.”
Music in this episode is credited to ccMixter. Please be sure to leave comments if you wish for Janet (or me.) Remember, feedback is a gift.
Be Not Afraid – Episode 69
Posted on: October 5, 2011
Episode 69 features Darcy Galane who hails from Brooklyn NY. Darcy is at a transition point in her life. She is currently not employed and describes her transition fraught with opportunity, excitement and fear.
She went through law school and passed the bar exam, but never practiced law. She spent some time working in educational publishing, particularly with writing and editing. She describes herself as happiest when she is writing – as that is her most authentic self. She comes from a family of writers.
Listen in as we talk about stuttering vs. just being quiet, anticipatory stuttering and helpful vs. harmful therapy experiences. We also discuss advertising and covert stuttering. We met on the covert-S email group, which Darcy joined after her first NSA conference in Cleveland in 2010.
Darcy was initially conflicted about joining the covert group and even identifying herself as covert. She acknowledges avoidance behavior, but was unsure if that really made her “covert.” Proof that covert stuttering is indeed complex! We also discussed Vivian Sisskin’s avoidance reduction therapy, and how that helped Darcy look at her stuttering differently.
Please be sure to leave comments or ask questions of Darcy. Remember, feedback is a gift. Music used in this episode is credited to ccMixter.
Avoidance Reduction
Posted on: September 29, 2011
- In: Video
- 2 Comments
I finally have been able to upload and edit this clip of Vivian Sisskin discussing her avoidance reduction therapy at the FRIENDS conference this past July. For some reason, I was unable to upload it to YouTube from my home computer.
And no, I wasn’t avoiding posting it!
Vivian’s approach to stuttering therapy continues to intrigue me, as it deals directly with our fears of stuttering publicly. For people who stutter covertly, avoidance reduction is key to desensitization.
Vivian gave me permission to publish. I have about 10 minutes more as well, which I hope to publish soon. Feel free to leave feedback.
Make Room For The Stuttering 
What people are saying!