Posts Tagged ‘talking about stuttering’
Episode 80 features return guest Elaine Robin, who hails from Seattle, Washington. For this great episode, Elaine shares from her present location, which is Shanghai, China. Elaine is a SLP who stutters and first shared her story here in episode 43.
I was excited to have Elaine back on the show, to tell us about her experiences living in China. An opportunity became available for Elaine to work in Shanghai for a year at a speech clinic. Elaine shares with us the excitement and culture shock of moving to, and living in, a very different part of the world.
We talk about stuttering, of course, but also about the fascinating perspective of an American who does not speak Chinese trying to navigate in a new country. We talk about the Chinese educational system, how disabilities are viewed and handled and the stark differences between Eastern and Western cultures.
Elaine also had the opportunity to travel to India at the end of December 2011. She had planned a visit to India while in Asia anyway, and had the unique opportunity to visit and attend the first ever Indian National Conference for people who stutter. The conference was organized and hosted by The Indian Stammering Association.
Listen in as Elaine describes the profound moments she experienced as a small group came together to celebrate, learn and support each other about stuttering. We discuss advertising, acceptance, self-help and pushing out of comfort zones.
Elaine also shares the very personal insights she learned about facing fears, taking chances and what she has learned about herself.
Please leave feedback here in the comment section. We would love to hear from you.
Music used in this episode is credited to ccMixter.
(Also, note there may be a couple of editing errors in the audio. Sue me – I do the best I can!)
Are Forums A Safety Net?
Posted on: January 13, 2012
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I had an interesting chat with my sister over dinner this past weekend. We are both on Facebook and she has been communicating with a couple of people I know through a stuttering forum.
Don’t ask how it started, but she has become friends with several people and was “added” to a forum by a member.
Some people might have a problem with a non-stutterer being a member of such a group. Personally, I think it’s a great idea that anyone interested in learning more about stuttering be “allowed” to engage and participate in group discussions.
My sister mentioned that she has chatted quite a bit with one person, including chatting over the phone a few times. This woman who stutters has mentioned to my sister that the group has been a great source of support for her.
Many of the group members have talked her through various confidence issues and encouraged her to take chances with speaking that she previously never would.
My sister mentioned that when they have talked over the phone, this woman sounds great and that her stutter is very mild, saying, “it’s like yours, Pam.”
My sister also went on to say that she doesn’t really understand why then this person would seem so overly concerned about talking and taking chances publicly.
I reminded my sister that there is a huge amount of shame involved in stuttering and that’s why these stuttering forums are so popular and successful with people who stutter. If you look at some of the forums, it is not uncommon to see 50 or 60 responses to questions or posts by members.
Why? Because it is infinitely easier to express ourselves in writing, behind the relative safety of a computer screen, than it is to have real-time conversations over the phone, Skype or in-person. My sister said “no, that can’t be true. Look how much back and forth there is. Look how much this woman has been helped.”
I said, “yes, but it is all through writing. It is much safer to express our self in writing. We don’t stutter then. It becomes the safety net for the huge amount of shame that a lot of people who stutter still deal with.”
My sister just looked at me and said, “I never thought of that. That makes sense. Wow, you’re probably right.”
What do you think? Do you think online stuttering groups or forums become a safety net for some people, a way to not have to talk?
Humor At Toastmasters
Posted on: December 12, 2011
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I had an impromptu moment of stuttering humor at a Toastmaster’s event on Saturday, which couldn’t have been better if I had planned it!
Once a month, our Toastmaster’s division has an Executive Council meeting, where all of the officers get together and compare notes and progress.
On this day, I was asked to present the report for our division, in the planned absence of our Division Governor.
We follow a pretty tight agenda, and each presenter gets 5-7 minutes to deliver their report. Someone “times” us, and holds up helpful flags to let us know our pace and when to wind down. Red means stop! When I saw my “red flag”, I still had a couple slides left to cover and more to say.
That is not unusual for me. I often struggle to stay within timeframes, and have demonstrated that throughout my 5 years of giving Toastmaster speeches. I have given over 50 speeches and am on track towards my goal of DTM (Distinguished Toastmaster) which is the highest rank in Toastmasters.
So I said I wasn’t finished yet, and added, “Just so you know, stutterers are always entitled to more time.” That got an appreciative laugh from the audience.
Someone immediately chimed in and said, “Pam, you are well on your way to DTM, or ‘Don’t Time Me!” That got an even larger laugh from the group.
I finished up with my presentation and sat down to applause!
As I thought about it later, I realized how great a moment that really was. In a formal meeting following formal timing protocols, I injected impromptu humor about stuttering, which was well received.
And a fellow Toastmaster felt entirely comfortable to “jab” back with a perfect little joke that everybody got and enjoyed.
Another example of the value of sharing our stuttering and making it a comfortable topic for anyone to talk about.
What Makes You Tic?
Posted on: November 25, 2011
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Last week I went to a presentation on tolerance. The name of the program was called “What Makes You Tic?” The speaker was Marc Elliott, a man in his twenties who was diagnosed with Tourette’s Syndrome when he was 9 years old.
He has lived with strange physical tics for many years, as well as inappropriate outbursts of name calling, cursing, and loud, odd noises.
His most-notable tic is/was the slamming together of his teeth, loudly enough to hear his upper and lower teeth grind and make contact. Imagine doing that for over 20 years!
His talk was very inspirational. He shared about how he often found himself explaining to people in school or out in public that his weird movements or sounds were not intended to bother or offend anyone, but that they were involuntary.
He also has lived with a rare intestinal disorder, making the “taken-for-granted” bodily task of relieving himself a particular challenge as well. He talked about never wanting to use a public restroom. He always felt he was being judged. Even when all he could see, and others could see, were ankles and shoes at the bottom of a stall.
If he heard someone come in to the bathroom, he would make himself stop “his business” in mid-action, in order not to be judged (or so he thought, in his mind.)
This is very similar to stuttering. How often have you chose not to speak, or switched words, for fear of how someone would react?
During his talk, Marc made reference to stuttering. I was not surprised. I knew there was some closeness ( in the brain area) between stuttering and Tourette’s syndrome. And I am always interested in how people with differences manage in their daily lives.
Marc shared that in the last 5 months, he has gained such a level of acceptance for his tics, that he rarely tics in public anymore. He said he almost never thinks about the fear of how others may perceive him, which has given him control over his tics. This is where he made reference to stuttering. And what surprised me, frankly.
He indicated that like Tourettes, if people who stutter could just forget that they stutter, like we do when we sing (!), we would be able to reduce or eliminate stuttering, like he has done with his tics.
He never quite told us how he has eliminated his tics. He said we could read about that in his book, (of the same title, “What Makes You Tic?“) which is due out by the end of the year.
At the end of the program, many people started lining up to speak with him. I got in line, deciding to let him know (gently) what I thought of his comment about stuttering.
I was close to the front of the line, and listened while some young girls cooed about how amazing and inspirational he was. An excited group of three got another friend to take a picture of them with Marc.
When it was my turn, I introduced myself, using some voluntary stuttering until real stuttering took hold. I told him I enjoyed his talk, but was a little curious about his reference to stuttering. I shared with him that if not thinking about stuttering was all it took for me to not stutter, like he no longer tics, then I needed to know the secret right away.
I also said, “I bet you didn’t think anyone who stutters would be in this audience, huh?” He did seem genuinely surprised and commented that he was glad I had come up to him. He also said he was grateful that I had shared a little about stuttering, and that maybe he needs to get more information before he “uses that connection” again.
We spoke for just a few minutes, but I knew I had his attention. While we spoke, he “ticked” quite obviously – his mouth clamped tight a couple of times and his gaze was all over the place. Maybe it was because I was stuttering freely, or like me (with my stuttering), he tics more one-on-one with someone than he does/did when he was on the stage talking and using a microphone.
I think he was actually surprised that I came up to him and had the guts to gently point out (for me anyway) that his analogy about “not thinking” about stuttering wasn’t the answer.
He thanked me and gave me a hug before I left.
I was glad I went up to him and was honest and stuttered openly. We all learn from each other.
Peacocks And Penguins
Posted on: October 28, 2011
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Several years ago I read a great book on diversity called A Peacock in a Land of Penguins. It’s one of those fables that teach life lessons about being different. The story refers to workplaces and organizations, but its lessons apply to everything in life.
This book made a great impact on me when I first read it. I bought it for work, and applied some of it to a staff workshop I did on diversity. I remember thinking I was a peacock in a land of “everyone looks and acts the same” penguins.
I hadn’t thought about peacocks and penguins in a long time. Until I found I had used that phrase in a cover letter I wrote for a job I applied to this week. I was talking about me, describing my willingness to take risks and put myself out there, even when my ideas and opinions are contrary to the majority.
In other words, being a Peacock!
Many organizations today are still run by penguins – people who all look, sound, dress and think alike. Penguins say they want creative thinkers, but actually many prefer the status quo.
Those who are different – talented peacocks with unusual flair and style – make penguins uneasy.
I went through my bookcase to see if I still had the book and sure enough, I do. I started to re-read parts of it.
I think people who stutter are peacocks in a land of penguins. We are unique. We sound different and we make people be better listeners.
Peacocks represent diversity. Think about it. In all of your groups, there are penguins. In schools, sports, media, business and government.
Penguins all look alike. They all wear the same uniform to represent their particular penguin group. You know what I mean, right?
And then one of us comes along – a PEACOCK! Loud, bold, different, unique, smart, funny and full of life. And hugely valuable. Peacocks keep the world from being boring!
I am happy to be a peacock! What about you?
Impromptu Stuttering Q & A
Posted on: August 18, 2011
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This is another clip of Marc Vetri sharing with the audience at the FRIENDS 2011 convention in DC in late July 2011. After a wonderful keynote talk, (clips here) Marc took some unscripted questions from the audience.
We hear from several parents, an adult who stutters, and a teen who stutters who aspires to work in the Culinary Arts field one day.
This is great stuff – honest dialogue about stuttering from an inspiring role model. We definitely need more stuttering role models out there, visible and unafraid to stutter openly.
We’re getting there. We’ll get some women out there too!
Self Compassion
Posted on: August 12, 2011
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I just posted a comment to my sister on Facebook that there is no such thing as coincidence, as that has been told to me many times.
I started a blog post last night on self-compassion, as I am reading a great book on that subject right now, and went back to finish the post today. I happened to check into one of the stuttering email groups I belong to, and someone asked an interesting question that I responded to. And I realized that my response to him was about self-compassion.
So I deleted what I had written and decided to post my response to his question. This was his question: “What tips have any of you used to get turned in the opposite direction from negative thoughts and start convincing the Subconscious mind to ”Believe” in positive ones?”
Here’s how I responded to his question.
It sounds like your “inner critic” is running roughshod on you. That inner voice we all have that has been with us for as long as whatever “it” is that we don’t like or wish we could change. Mine still shows up a lot too, way more than I wish she would!
In your case, (and mine) “it” is stuttering. We hate it, we fear it, we wish it would go away. We feel inadequate, inferior, guilty,shamed, and scared of how other people will react.
People who are overweight have that “inner critic” too. In that case, the inner critic says things similar to what yours has said about stuttering:
“I don’t care how much you have learned about eating better
I don’t care how much you have learned about exercise
I don’t care that you feel better when you skip desert
I don’t care that your doctor says you would be healthier if you lost even 5 pounds.”
“We know that you are a big fat loser and are never going to change, so why bother doing any of those things? You are never going to change, no one is ever going to think you are attractive, so go ahead and eat that whole pizza or gallon of ice cream. It doesn’t matter”
It is very hard to be kind to ourselves and not beat our self up all the time. I am reading a good book on self-compassion right now, which reminds us/me that the best way to turn that inner-critic dialogue around is to literally “turn it around.”
When you begin to feel hopeless or anxious or scared or angry – try to be aware of that in the moment and try to say things to yourself like, “I know its hard for you when you stutter and you think everyone is judging you – but they are really not. It’s OK if you just let yourself stutter. You still are a good and valued person.”
Or, “it’s uncomfortable to stutter and see someone break eye contact or make a face, or even laugh. It hurts, doesn’t it? It’s OK to feel hurt once in a while. We all do. It’s OK to cry too”. (That part about crying I am still working on. I frequently have to remind myself that it really is OK.)
The more you tell yourself that you are OK and that whatever change you are attempting is going to take some time, the more practice you will give yourself being more positive with your thoughts instead of negative.
It is by re-shaping these negative thoughts into kinder, gentler ones that we are more able to accept that there are some things about us that we may not be able to completely change, but we are still lovable.
I think that is the whole crux of the matter with stuttering – we feel not good enough, and fear rejection. Being rejected means on some level that we feel unloved.
As hard as it is, allowing yourself to talk kindly to yourself, instead of letting that “inner critic” have free reign and hog up all the space, makes much more sense.
Having compassion for ourselves allows us to see that we are not perfect, and that we do not have to try to be. When we can be compassionate and gentle with ourselves, we then can be for others.
Huh! As I read this back, I was pretty impressed with how good that came out. I guess this book on self-compassion is really hitting some chords with me. What about you?
Episode 63 features “regular guest” Nina G who hails from San Francisco, CA. Nina bills herself as the Bay Area’s only female stuttering comic. She has been performing stand-up comedy for well over a year and has become a favorite in the Bay area comedy community.
Nina G has been featured twice before on this podcast, and we are so fortunate to see and hear her progression from just starting out in comedy, to being a successful and sought-after comedian. If you have not yet been introduced to Nina, check her out here in Reclaiming Her Space and Standing Up.
In today’s episode, we talk about what it was like for Nina G to perform for the first time in front of a stuttering audience. With the help of some friends from the NSA, Nina performed live at Rick O’Shea’s in downtown Ft Worth Texas. There were over 100 people who stutter in the audience, which is not the norm for any of Nina’s shows.
We talk about how that felt, being kind of surreal to finally be performing in front of “her people” and the bittersweet feeling knowing that she won’t soon get this opportunity again. It also felt surreal for me, to be in the audience and hear and watch Nina perform live, as I have previously only seen videos of her performance. (And I was recording!)
Credit for the podcast safe music used in this episode goes to ccMixter.
Below are two videos clips of Nina’s performances. The first is the “live” performance at Rick O’Shea’s in Ft Worth, Texas. Listen for where Nina “shouts me out” twice! (You can be sure I was thrilled to know I was recording when I heard that!) And the second video is Nina explaining to an audience back home what it feels like to have “stuttering withdrawal.”
Feel free to leave comments for either Nina or me. Feedback is a gift, and important. Be part of the dialogue!
Snippets From Seidler’s Keynote
Posted on: August 3, 2011
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I was able to capture some of David Seidler’s keynote address at the FRIENDS convention in DC last month. All of us who were at either (or both) the NSA and FRIENDS conferences were indeed lucky to hear Mr. Seidler share with us. I suspect many of the young (and not so young) people will not soon forget these moments.
I know my journey would have been very different had I listened to anyone, let alone someone famous, talk about stuttering when I was a kid. I am so glad today’s young people have so many opportunities like this.
I am also glad that I am able to share some of these treasures with readers/listeners who were unable to attend the US stuttering conferences.
Up next, I will have some footage of Marc Vetri, the other keynote speaker at the FRIENDS convention. Marc is a renowned chef in Philadelphia and won Iron Chef in 2010. I had the good fortune of chatting with Marc and his wife at lunch after his talk. I look forward to sharing some of his inspirational words here as well.
Their First NSA Conference
Posted on: July 27, 2011
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My Flip digital recorder was a great tool to have with me at the 2011 NSA Conference. When I realized that first-timers had been asked to sum up their experiences at the closing ceremonies, I pressed the record button.
It is so empowering to hear people express how moving and significant it is to participate in the stuttering community for the first time. Both Katie and Dustin indeed did that – they both helped to facilitate workshops too! I could not have done that at my first conference!
Listen and watch as Katie and Dustin sum up their conference experiences, in their own words and their own voices. They have made room for the stuttering. Have you?
(I did receive permission from both Katie and Dustin to post this clip on the blog, in case you’re wondering!)
Please leave comments here for either or both, so everyone who tunes in to this blog can see them. Not everyone hangs out on Facebook!
What We Took Away – Episode 61
Posted on: July 22, 2011
Episode 61 is a first for me. This is the first time I have recorded with several women at different times and attempted (notice I say attempted) to string the clips together into one cohesive episode. Here’s where we will separate the professionals from the amateurs. I am definitely in the latter category!
I started my journey with pod-casting saying that if producing these episodes became too much like work, I would quit. I have always tried to keep the episodes as simple as possible. That has not been hard to do, given my limited audio tech skills.
Sharing the unique stories of women who stutter continues to be very special for me, and I love to do it. So even trying something new did not scare me off.
This episode features three women who all were previous guests. We chat about their experiences at the recent National Stuttering Association conference. One woman attended for her first time, and the other two attended their second conferences. All three share their thoughts, reflections and take home lessons.
This was a great way for us to process this shared experience. Although it was a shared experience, it impacted each woman differently. Listen in as I chat with Anna Margolina, Nina Zito and Sarah Bryant. We talk a little bit about a lot of things, but mainly how it feels to attend a conference where stuttering is the norm.
Thanks to all three of you for taking the time to share your thoughts and reminding us all how special it is to come together as a stuttering community.
The podcast safe music used in today’s episode is credited to ccMixter.
Texan Stuttering At It’s Best
Posted on: July 19, 2011
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I am so glad I had my trusty Flip recorder with me when Vicki Schutter got up to speak at one of the general sessions at the National Stuttering Association conference. Vicki tells an incredible story of selflessness and support about her good friend Russ Hicks, a long time NSA member.
Watch and listen as Vicki’s story unfolds, and then how Russ reacts.
Being part of the stuttering community means more than just stuttering support. It also means behind-the-scenes acts of love and support for the relationships that are built among people. For that’s what we really celebrate in the stuttering community – the relationships!
This story moved me, for many reasons! I hope it moves you too!
400th Post! NSA Workshop Summaries
Posted on: July 16, 2011
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Here are summaries from some workshops presented at this year’s National Stuttering Association annual conference recently held in Texas!
I am also gratified to have reached a milestone. This is my 400th post since starting this blog in February 2009!
There were so many workshops to choose from at the same time. It’s almost unfair to have to choose. So I asked fellow attendees to summarize some of the best workshops they attended. Helps me, helps you, helps all.
You Are Changed By What You Do: “Shame-Busting” Through Avoidance Reduction Therapy. This was the most powerful workshop for me, led by Vivian Sisskin. She and several people that participate in her therapy groups led us through how to reduce shame by learning to face our fears and re-define success and progress. I listened to Vivian speak last year and became fascinated with her approach to avoidance reduction.
Shame was always my biggest issue, and learning even to identify that is hugely empowering. I have read several books on shame reduction and shame resilience over the last year as well, that has helped me move toward more acceptance of my feelings and emotions.
My friend Brandon shares his take away points from two workshops that resonated with him.
Release Fear, presented by Zaheen Nanji and NSA Career All-Stars, presented by Beth Bienvenu, Jim McClure, Tracey Wallace, Gregg Benedikt, and John Moore.
Brandon writes, “As I find myself looking for a new career opportunity I realized that the work place is my final frontier. From experience in working outside my comfort zone, I know what needs to be done but wanted to hear it from others that are doing it. The Release Fear workshop turned the abstract concept of “facing what you fear to create change” into a logical evaluation to expose the cost of making or not making the change. This workshop helped me to see that some discomfort now while facing challenging speaking situations will lead to a more open and balanced life in the future.”
He goes on to share, “Do you remember growing up thinking, “Damn, am I the only one that stutters?” Then you find an organization like the NSA and know you are not alone. Witnessing a person stuttering in the workplace is like a Bigfoot sighting for me. It is exciting and a bit scary depending on how far away I am from it.
I still feel I have one foot stuck in the mud with regard to the workplace, so I was excited to hear from the NSA Career Stars. Hearing first hand from these successful people that stutter in the work environment took away a lot of the mystery I had built up around it.
I loved the slogan “Participation is the Price of Admission”. A few years back I realized that in order to be more at ease with stuttering I would need to take it to the street. Originally I was misled to think I could practice in hiding then put the show on for all to see. I realized I was just going to have to be ME!
One of the biggest changes I had to make was to start using the world as my practice. Hearing it again from one of the speakers pinpointing the workplace really hit home for me. The phrase “Participation is the Price of Admission” has many meanings for me. Regarding stuttering, it reinforces that I need to work my speech agenda step by step, speaking up and sharing my ideas and concerns, and interacting, all for the admission to a better more fulfilling life.”
Brandon – thanks so much for sharing these thoughts and how helpful these presentations were for you!
My friend Anna shares her thoughts on some workshops she attended. Anna was a first time attendee to the conference and also presented at the Toastmasters workshop! I have so much material here that I will include her two other summaries in my next post.
Laughter Yoga – The Fun Part of Everyday presented by Judith Newman.
Anna writes: “When was last time you really laughed? Not smiled, chuckled or giggled, but laughed, openly, heartily, loudly, without inhibitions? If you can’t remember, you should check out laughter yoga classes. As Judith explained, laughter is very beneficial to our body and our brain – so we should do it often. You can do it alone and your body won’t know the difference between a “fake” laugh and the real thing.
But it is easier to burst into open laughter in a group, under the guidance of a laughter Yoga leader. For 45 minutes we did silly exercises and laughed so hard, my insides started to hurt. Regarding stuttering, it is not a therapy. But laughing with all your might, while looking a stranger in the eye, is definitely something that I don’t do in my everyday life. To me it was very liberating. To my non-PWS husband – a bit too weird.”
Thanks Anna for taking the time to share these thoughts.
In my next post, I will have two more summaries from Anna, on Dr. Baker’s Speech – Treatment Innovations and Journey of Hope presented by Robert Baker Ph.D. and Going Beyond Stammering with Confidence presented by Maria McGrath (who has been a guest on this podcast).
And I will have a summary from Alex on his powerful thoughts on the keynote by Neal Jeffrey.
I also have a few live videos from the conference that I will post, once I have secured permission from those recorded. Feel free to leave comments, so that the folks who took the time to write these up, and me, know that you found it helpful.
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