Make Room For The Stuttering

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I have received comments and emails since starting the women’s podcast last year from men, asking why men are “left out”. One reader commented, “I wish someone would create a podcast for us men.”  

Of course, men have stories too, that are just as compelling and inspiring as the women’s stories. I went with the women’s niche since we are the minority within a minority, and nowhere else do women have the chance to share in a unique space just for us. (The other US podcast interviews both genders, but is more geared toward famous people who stutter or SLP’s or researchers).

I cannot have a male on the show “Women Who Stutter: Our Stories”. That would be just too confusing. I’ve been asked by a few men if I would make an exception and allow an “honorary woman” once in a while. I don’t feel comfortable with that either.

But I am thinking we could have a male guest once per month and make it distinct from our Women’s Stories. I have even toyed with a unique title. And I have the first male guest already lined up. But I want some feedback.

What do you think? Would there be interest? Should I “branch out?”  And should it follow basically the same format? A conversation about stuttering between two people who stutter, one who happens to be female and the other who happens to be male? Let me know your thoughts.

An article was posted in the UK newspaper “The Telegraph” (May 5, 2011) with the headline, “Colin Firth admits he is struggling to lose his stutter.” Firth portrayed Bertie in the movie “The King’s Speech”, the reluctant king who stammered. Firth, who does not stutter, learned to deliberately stutter for the role.

He did a brilliant job, as we know, as he won the Academy Award for Best Actor and the film also swept the other top awards, Best Screenplay, Picture and Director. Firth showed with grace and dignity the difficulties faced by a person who stutters. But Firth is an actor, only portraying stuttering. He has not lived with the daily challenges of not being able to speak easily and effortlessly like most people do, without even thinking about it.

In this article, Firth is quoted as saying  (about Helena Bonham-Carter, who played his wife, Elizabeth), “Whenever I was stammering if I caught her eye she was usually looking at her watch or yawning, hoping the moment passes as quickly as possible, fortunately when the cameras are on her she looks delightfully supportive.”

I wonder if Firth was even remotely aware that people who stutter often face listener reaction just like he described. People often look away when someone is stuttering, or glance at their watch or look otherwise uncomfortable or impatient.

This is the body language of negative listener reaction that is often so tough for people who stutter to face. When a listener looks away or yawns or tries to interrupt us or finish our sentences, it is not uncommon for the stutterer to feel invisible, de-valued, unimportant.

This is what makes stuttering so complex. It is often that which goes unsaid that results in stutterers feeling shame, embarrassment and/or inadequacy.  Non-verbal body language is powerful and conveys just as much, if not more, about how a listener is listening and responding to us.

Firth may have been joking or just making an indifferent remark when he mentions that the actress portraying his wife, Queen Elizabeth, would look away when he was stammering. He also states in this article that he is having a hard time “losing the stammer” he deliberately practiced and performed for the role.

I wrote a post just about two years ago called The Things We Take For Granted. In that post, I wrote this line:  “It is not what is uttered, or heard or seen. It is what is not heard, what is felt and what matters” (most).

It felt like the same theme again. We very often are more affected by what goes unsaid than what is said by us or our listener. Non-verbal body language says a lot!

What do you think about what Firth says about his co-star looking away and wishing his stammering moment would pass quickly? And what do you think about Firth struggling to lose a stutter/stammer he never had?

I was looking through some old papers amidst some clutter that I keep saying I will get to and organize. I hate to throw anything away. I always think I will need it for something else. And I like to save things and reflect back occasionally on things I’ve done and people I’ve met.

I came across the outline and notes for the first workshop that I did at an NSA conference back in 2008. My friend Mary and I co-facilitated a presentation called “Being Real: Letting It All Hang Out”. It was based on the story of the Velveteen Rabbit and how he “became real” through the processes we all go through in life when we find ourselves.

In this workshop, we spoke about how we had both moved to places in our lives where we were ready to be real with our stuttering. We drew parallels from other areas of life where we felt it was OK to be genuine.

We discussed things like generosity, emotions and courage. It was a very moving presentation. Mary and I shared honestly from our hearts about our struggles, our covert  journeys and the price we paid along the way for when we had hidden our true selves.

One of the other themes we discussed was also that “Real Is No Regrets”. We need to do the things we want and live our lives to the fullest. That includes even taking huge risks. It means never not doing the things we love so that we will never have to look back and say, “Damn, I wish I had done that”.

We know where “should haves” leave us. Feeling unfulfilled, feeling we missed out on opportunities, feeling like we don’t matter.

For a long time, I didn’t do things I really wanted to, because I didn’t feel I was worthy. Now, I seem to be making up for lost time. I don’t want to look back and regret that I didn’t do this or try that.

We shouldn’t let our past, our circumstances, or our stuttering keep us from getting wet when it rains.

Recently, I had two moments that really illustrate this. One involved me directly, the other involved a friend who told me about a challenge she confronted.

I had a hard time as a kid. One of the most influential people in my life was a high school teacher who really took an interest in me, and knew that things were hard at home. After high school, without fail, she sent me birthday and Christmas cards every year. I usually reciprocated.

Then life got in the way, and I stopped sending them to her. But her cards came faithfully, until a few years ago. My address changed and the forwarding ended before her annual card. I actually didn’t even notice.

Then last year, she crossed my mind several times, fondly. I remembered things she had said that encouraged me. And then I realized I had not received her annual card. I felt guilty, wishing I had stayed in touch.

I felt like I had somehow betrayed her for not reconnecting. I sent her a Christmas card and included my phone number and a note apologizing for drifting away. A card from her came a few weeks later, with her phone number and a note to call whenever I wanted so we could connect.

It took me four months to call her. I was afraid what she would think of me. I finally got up the nerve and we met for coffee this week. It was so wonderful. We both caught up, talked and shared. It made me wonder, “what was I so afraid of?”  I’m guessing it was me!

I am so glad I called Eleanor. We promised to do it again soon. I will make sure it happens.

Last week, a friend emailed me to let me know she finally found the courage to have a tough conversation with her husband. Ann and I had been talking about her attending her first stuttering conference. She shared that she was afraid to ask her husband. I asked her why did she have to ask. Ann felt she didn’t deserve to spend money on something that would only benefit her.

She intimated that her fear of honestly letting her husband know how important something was to her brought her back to the days of when she was a child and felt intimidated by her parents. Ann had stifled her own needs for a long time, just like I had!

I was elated when Ann emailed me and told me she talked to her husband. It didn’t quite go as she hoped, but she had opened a door. A week later, she emailed me that she spoke with him again and that they had reached a compromise and they were going to go together. She only needed to register!

Ann emailed me again, saying her registration was accepted and she had reserved a room. I was so happy and proud of her. We will meet in person for the first time at the conference this summer. I am confident that Ann will not regret her decision. And that we will have a long and joyful hug!

In early March, I had the opportunity to visit Milwaukee and talk about stuttering, something I rather enjoy doing. I stayed with Barb and her husband Chuck, and was treated like a rock-star. Barb is the NSA chapter leader in Milwaukee, and she had coordinated a workshop that was held at the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee.

There were about 100 people in attendance, including professional SLPs, students, adults who stutter and several parents of kids who stutter. I “told my story” for a little while and then a 5-person panel talked about their experiences and interacted with the audience. It was a very empowering experience for all involved.

Barb had been relentless about getting media coverage for the event, and a reporter from the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel wrote up a great piece about the event, which included contact information if people wanted to know more about the NSA. You can see the article here.

About a week after the article appeared, Barb contacted me to let me know she had received a phone call from 83-year-old Jane, who had seen the article and felt inspired to call Barb. She had never talked with anyone about her stuttering, ever. She had always kept it hidden, found ways around it, and thought she had not let it limit her.

But seeing the article triggered feelings for Jane and she was inspired to call Barb and talk openly about her stuttering. She did not want to publicly”come out of the closet” or attend a meeting – she just wanted to share her feelings with someone. She did agree that it would be OK for Barb to call her again, and that it would be nice if I called sometime too.

I called her a few days later, and Jane was cordial and pleasant, and told me a little bit of her story. She also said she had made a mistake, that it wasn’t good for her to open “Pandora’s box” after all these years, and that the memories were just too painful. She asked that I never call her again.

She also called Barb and left her a similar message. Jane had initially felt it might be OK to “reveal her secret”, but she changed her mind and asked that neither of us contact her again.

Case closed. It is what it is, and you respect a person’s decision. I was just glad that I had called her and heard about this.

A third phone call came. Barb emailed me on Easter Sunday evening to let me know Jane had called her late Easter afternoon to tell her this. On Easter Sunday morning, with her family gathered, Jane chose to tell her family that she has been a life-long stutterer. She wanted no discussion or feedback from her family, she just wanted to be honest and tell them.

Jane called Barb and told her what she had done. Jane said at 83-years old, she wanted to “get her life in order” and part of this included verbally acknowledging to her family that she stuttered. And even after stating she wanted no further contact with Barb, Jane called her.

After reading Barb’s email, I called her, and we talked. Both of us were profoundly moved by this chance encounter with a woman we never met named Jane.

We will probably never hear from Jane again, but we will not soon forget this story.

A few weeks ago I had a chance encounter with someone who is a blogger and writer. I experienced one of those times when a whole series of events occurred that was absolutely meant to happen. I wrote about it here!

A friend of mine who stutters shared her original work at a local public reading event. I was there to listen, record and cheer her on. After the readings, I found the courage to introduce myself to the woman who teaches my friend’s writing class. We talked and in just a few minutes, shared that we were both bloggers and what we wrote about.

Marion asked me to send her the link to my blog and podcast and she would feature it on her blog, She Said, She Said, one of those featured on The Sister Project. The Sister Project was started by Marion Roach and her sister Margaret Roach. As described on their blog, The Sister Project “is a network of blogs about the many facets of the word sister, and the concept of sisterhood. A sisterhood of sister blogs, you could say”.

Of course, sisters and sisterhood resonates with me. I have four sisters, and have been podcasting with women who stutter from all over the world for almost a year. So I am delighted to see that both my blog and the women who stutter podcast was featured on The Sister Project yesterday.

And I absolutely love the title of the piece, Meet A Sisterhood of Triumph. Please go over there and take a look, now!  Check it out if you are interested in stuttering and especially if you are a woman who has shared her story. Our voices are being heard.

These three lines grabbed me, and made me realize what “impact” means:

“I enjoyed that rare and wonderful feeling when admiration begins a sisterhood where only moments before there was none. When referring to herself as a unicorn, I had somehow mistakenly pictured my student as the only adult female stutterer out there. Crazy, I know, but it happened, and suddenly I saw this sisterhood”.

Thank you Marion for honoring women who stutter with a piece on your blog tagged “sisters we admire.” Visit The Sister Project often. Good things are happening over there.

Just a quick note! I am attending the first ever TechValley Blogger Tweetup event this evening, April 16, 2011, in Albany, NY. Why would anyone care?

Well, this will be my first effort to share my blog and podcast about stuttering to other local bloggers who don’t stutter. I am hoping to network with the local blogging community, put myself out there (a new concept for me, right?), and further increase awareness of a local stuttering resource.

I have been hoping my area would eventually create a local meet-up so that local bloggers could meet in person, share ideas and get our words and voices out there. One of my friends, Lisa, of Outspoken Media and Voice Interrupted will be on a panel. I am excited about attending and learning. And I have linked my blog to the TechValley blog site as well.

The more exposure, the better, right? And I seem to be landing in places lately that I should. I have a good feeling about this. I bet someone will learn something about stuttering that they didn’t  know before! I hope so!

Today’s post is from a special guest writer, who has inspired me with her words and courage. The following was written by Amanda Schott.

(Amanda gave me permission to slightly edit her piece for length. This article will also be printed in the next issue of the FRIENDS newsletter, Reaching Out. Amanda’s mom also gave consent for her piece to be published here!)

Stuttering is a setback that affects me every day of my life. Last year, when I was in eighth grade, I began to stutter. It happened overnight. There wasn’t any gradual thing where I did it once or twice and then it grew to a full-on problem. It hit me suddenly, and since I had never stuttered before, people noticed it big time.

I’m Amanda, a fifteen year old with a bubbly personality and an awesome sense of humor. But most people don’t see me that way. They only see the tourettes, ADHD, depression, and the stutter. They see a twitch that can’t control her emotions and acts like a two year old sometimes. I’m innocent and wise at the same time. Through it all, I grin and bear it, but the insults hurt all the same whether I show it or not.

My little brother and sister have both been through speech therapy for a couple years. They both went to two preschools at once for their speech and continued therapy in elementary school. It was a classic case for kids their age: talking too fast and dropping sounds mostly. So, when they learned to slow down and enunciate, they graduated from the speech class and talk fine.  Neither of them have ever had a stutter.

I talked to my siblings’ speech therapist, and she said that there was no way I just got a stutter out of the blue. I did, though, and now I still have it a year later. I don’t stutter sounds, really, but I repeat words, especially short ones like ‘its’. ‘I think it’s, it’s’ it’s’ (long pause while I grit my teeth and force the next word out) ‘it’s because I…’ is something I do all the time.

‘Hey Amanda, do you st-st-stutter?’ I hear CONSTANTLY. What’s sad is that I get that from my friends who know that I don’t even stutter like that!

I found out about an organization for teens who stutter while I was just searching the internet for anything that could help. I searched for ‘teens who stutter’ and clicked on a random link. It led me to the FRIENDS website and I saw there was a mentoring program for kids and teens. I printed the application and filled it out, thinking it could be good for me to be able to meet other kids like me.

I got an email from Gracie not too long later. I could tell right away that we would be amazing friends.  We email almost every day and talk about everything from stuttering to boy problems. We haven’t gotten around to calling each other because she doesn’t like talking on the phone. I want to talk her into it and show her that some people don’t care whether she stutters or not.

Talking to Gracie is so fun and I’m lucky to have her. We support each other and we’ve gotten really close. It’s helped a lot to have someone to talk to who understands what I’m going through and can relate to what I’m saying. Seeing a new email from Gracie always makes me smile and brightens my day.

I started to lose my passion for speaking when I got my stutter.  I got quieter, I held things inside that I wanted to say because I was afraid it wouldn’t come out right, I even avoided people that I talk more around! My best friend Chrissy was hurt because I didn’t talk to her for a while, and it wasn’t good at all. Now that I know a bit about stuttering, I’m more confident about it.

The most frustrating part of my stutter is when people finish my sentences! I hate that so much! It makes me feel bad to say anything though, because my friends are ‘just trying to help’, but it makes me feel incompetent when I can’t even talk for myself. So I decided to tell them all to stop. Now, whenever I can’t say something, I make a joke, like, ‘Hang on! I’ll get this!’ or I try to rephrase what I was going to say. I also remind my friends that ‘I can speak for myself if you’ll let me’ in nice tones.

It also bothers me when people interrupt me while I talk. I’m very talkative and I like to tell stories, but if I stutter and stop for a second, my friends will just launch into another story when I’m not done with mine. I’ve learned this is the line I don’t like having crossed, so I remind them ‘That was rude’. I still try to be humorous about it, but I can’t stand it when people are rude to others who are talking.

Learning how to tell people about the twitching? Not as easy at all. Usually, it happens just by people seeing me twitch in class or something, they’ll look at me funny, and I just say, ‘Sorry. I have tourettes. I can’t control it.’ When kids know about it, they’re less likely to judge me on what I do. I tell a lot of people now, and I get less stares and weird looks because they understand.

The other day, I was sitting in English class, and two of my classmates were sitting behind me when I had a huge shoulder twitch. I heard one tell the other, “Don’t say anything. She has tourettes. She can’t control it.” Then I heard, “But it’s so freaky!” and the first boy stood up for me. “How would you like it? Leave her alone.” Just that simple gesture helped me more than that boy will ever know.

I love the Friend’s mentoring program. I have a few friends who stutter and I told them about it, and they want to sign up too. Because despite all having stutters, we have different stutters and different problems to face. Having good friends to help me through my troubles is invaluable to me and I wouldn’t trade them, even if it meant losing my stutter forever.

If you were inspired by Amanda, please leave a comment. I will make sure she sees any feedback left for her. Amanda, you ROCK!

I was a little reluctant to post this information here, but some friends encouraged me to do so. Last Monday, April 4, I was honored at an awards ceremony for the Jefferson Awards. These awards were begun in 1973 in the United States by Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, U.S. Senator Robert Taft Jr. and Sam Beard.

The Jefferson Awards annually celebrate America’s commitment to public service. Recognizing both the famous and the unknown, individuals and organizations, the young and old, the awards reflect one of the founding ideals of our nation, that of contributing toward the larger good.

In our local area, the focus is on ordinary, non-famous people doing extraordinary things. My sister Kimberly nominated me for work I have done to raise awareness and tolerance of stuttering. She submitted an essay about my visiting schools to talk about bullying prevention, advocating in the media by having articles published and appearances on radio and television, and the podcast I started last year giving women who stutter a space to share their stories.

Of hundreds of nominations, 18 of us were chosen as finalists. I was then notified that I was chosen as one of 7 Jefferson Award Medalists. One of the Medalists was chosen to attend a ceremony in Washington DC in June to represent the Capital Region of NY. That person is a man whose son committed suicide at the age of 18, and his efforts since to raise awareness to schools, teens and parents. I was honored and touched to be part of this elite group of 7. The others were working to improve and raise money for important social causes.

I was chosen as part of that field for bringing a local voice and face to stuttering, and for giving women all over the world an opportunity to share their stories. Thank you to all of the women who have so beautifully and courageously shared your stories. Together, we have showed the world that we do have stories that need to be heard.

Thank you also to my sister for having the courage to nominate me for recognition for something that was always a taboo topic in our family. And thank you to my friends and family who attended the ceremony and cheered me on and made me feel so special.

Thank you to Claudia for immediately forwarding the details to the National Stuttering Association. They have posted this information on their page as well, which made me proud.

And thanks to my friends and listeners who encouraged me to post this here on my main page. They reminded me doing so is not bragging, rather it is inspiring. And the best way for regular readers/listeners to know that this special honor even occurred.

I went to a show last night and found myself seated next to someone I worked with 10 years ago. She asked, “do I know you?”  The look of recognition happened for both of us at almost the same moment. Well, she had to double-check and ask my first name and I knew her first name but couldn’t think of her last name until I was driving home.

We chatted while waiting for the show to start, asking each other what we have been up to. She asked an interesting question. She wondered if it was possible that someone who writes articles and letters to the editor in our local newspaper uses my name. I told her I have had some pieces published. And she asked “what do you write about?”

I could see her trying to puzzle something out. I told her I have written about stuttering. And she questioned, “like reviews?”, articles?” I said yes. And she said she remembered seeing my name in the paper over the years but figured it couldn’t be me because I never stuttered. And I smiled and said, “well, yes I do, but I was quite good at hiding it.”

Then her friend sitting next to her says, “but how is that possible?” And the one I knew guesses, “strategies?”  And I said, “avoidance, word switching.”  And then since they seemed genuinely interested, I told them the brief version of “my story.”

What struck me about this brief exchange is the realization of how good I had been at keeping my stuttering secret many years ago. I worked with this woman for several years. She never knew. In fact, she was certain the name she had seen in the paper had to be a different person. And as I stuttered while talking to her, her look of surprise was really genuine.

When moments like this happen, I am reminded of how very far I have come. And how deeply I had buried the real me. And how I really am a completely different person these days.

I found myself responding to someone who was thinking out loud about stuttering. She said, “I just don’t get it.”  I mused she probably was referring to, “Why is stuttering so unpredictable?”

The variability and complexity of how we sound, how we feel, how one day it’s one way and the next it is completely different is quite amazing. To me, anyway. There are some who will surely find ways to describe stuttering that does not include the adjective “amazing.”

For a long time, I tried to figure things out – why this, why that, why some people react one way, why others say dumb things, why sometimes I am like an open book, and other times, I find myself with heat on my face and my heart thumping. I stopped trying to figure it out.

It is so much easier to just let things be the way they are going to be. It sounds simplistic. Perhaps it may even seem to minimize the struggle of stuttering for some.

I have an embroidered framed art piece of one of my favorite sayings, “It Is What It Is”. I used to think that even thinking that about stuttering or my reaction was a “cop-out”. Some things are just going to happen and life will go on. I have determined that to be a fact.

No matter how hard I try to analyze or rationalize or convince myself otherwise, some days I am going to stutter a lot and feel tense, and some days I am going to hardly stutter at all.

I think sometimes its harder to just relax and let my natural self be. I had become so used to making excuses, rationalizing, over-thinking, obsessing about everything. It’s what I did, all of the time. That was when I considered myself very covert about my stuttering.

Now, to just relax and be, really BE, sometimes I have to remind myself of just that – that who I am is really OK. Screw everyone else who doesn’t think so.

Yes, this is hard to do in a (perceived) judgmental world, but I guess I just have reached the point where all the needless worrying about how I will sound or what someone will think is just not so important anymore.

Just like the song says, “Let It Be”.

Sometimes you have one of those experiences where everything that happens is inter-connected and you just know that you were meant to be there. I had one of those experiences this past Friday evening. It probably was one of those “you had to be there moments”, but I think you will get how moving this was to me.

My friend Lisa takes a writing class, where the students learn how to sift through the moments of life, find ones with purpose and illustrate them in a way everyone can relate to. Lisa told me that the class is the best thing she has ever done for herself.

She wrote a brilliant piece about stuttering. The movie “The King’s Speech”  inspired her to put voice to her feelings that rocketed to the surface, and she wanted others to learn how different her reality is from Hollywood’s version. Her piece was so good it was published in our local newspaper.

Lisa was then asked to read her piece at a writer’s series held at our Arts Center, in conjunction with our community’s monthly “Troy Night Out”. She was torn about doing it, as her dad was having surgery that same day and she felt she needed to be with him. She also rarely puts her stuttering “out there”.

But it turns out dad told her, “don’t you dare cancel”, so she didn’t and accepted the challenge. She told me about it, and I wanted to be there. I suggested that I could record it, so if she wanted, she could watch it with her dad the next day.

Lisa said something like, “yeah, I probably won’t even watch it myself “, but said I could record if I wanted to. We agreed I would set the video settings to “private” and I would send her the link.

Several writing students were reading that night, so I sat back to listen and enjoy. I was also enjoying the teacher introduce each writer and talk a little about writing and her style. All of a sudden, this woman said something that sounded so familiar to me.

I thought, “where did I hear that before?’ And suddenly I realized I was listening to the author of a book I had just finished reading two weeks ago. How ironic! It was a book about writing, and I remember reading in the preface that this woman has taught a sold-out writing class for 10 years. I had no idea that this was who I would meet later in the evening.

Before it was Lisa’s turn to read her piece, I had double-checked that it was still OK to record. And I went up to the teacher and mentioned I was going to record and asked if it was OK. She said it was fine, as long as Lisa agreed, and she thanked me for asking.

As she was introduced, I quietly readied my Flip recorder and pressed record as Lisa began. She explained why she wrote this essay, and then read her beautiful piece, in her own distinct voice. Within seconds, I was so moved and overcome with joy and pride for my friend. I made no effort at all to wipe away the tears as they openly rolled down my cheeks.

When she finished, the audience applauded and I gently pressed stop on the recorder. Her presence and courageous voice lingered in the room.

Afterwards, I met some of Lisa’s friends, but scooted out pretty quickly. This was her moment. As I headed out, the teacher was down by the door, chatting with some folks. I hesitated, then decided to wait and see if I could speak with her a moment.

I introduced myself as a friend of Lisa’s and reminded her I was the one who had asked permission to record. I shared with her that I realized I had just read her book, and what a coincidence that was. I told her I was a blogger, and she said she was too.

She told me about The Sister Project, which celebrates and highlights unique ventures or stories of women. I told her about the podcast, “Women Who Stutter: Our Stories” and she asked me to email my information, as she would love to write a piece about my work and link it to her blog.

When I got home, I uploaded and saved Lisa’s reading.  I also watched it twice more, and still welled up with tears of pride for my friend. I emailed her the private link, encouraging her to share it with her dad.

The next day, Lisa emailed me, saying she had watched it and was happy with how it came out. She had also shared it with her mom, who also cried, tears of pride. I told her about the coincidence of having read her teacher’s book, and she told me that people had come up to her and congratulated her for putting a voice to her written words.

She also shared that a man who had been sitting right behind me asked her if I was the same person who had done a workshop at the library last month. Lisa told him, yes, that was me. The man told her he stuttered and had done therapy and largely has it under control. But he said he applauded “people like us” (unicorns as Lisa calls us) who stutter openly and let the world see us as we are.

What a night of coincidences! I was meant to be there. It was profoundly meaningful for me to witness my friend take a huge leap out of her comfort zone. And that meaning became crystal clear when she emailed me and asked me to “unlock” the link – that she was going to post it her self on her own personal blog. Sweet! I was honored to be there!

You can see Lisa’s Reading here. Bravo Lisa! I am proud to know you!

I had an insightful conversation last week with a friend. We were discussing work and the impact of stuttering and how we deal with it when “it” comes up. My friend is not covert at all and could not hide her stuttering to save her life. So, its fair to say her stuttering is pretty obvious.

She and a partner have a successful business and she handles most of the marketing and is the on-line presence. New customers are “handed over” to the other partner to “deal with”. She thinks because her stutter is severe, it’s better and smarter to have her partner deal with “in-person” communication. Of course I disagree, but our choice  to talk about it offered valuable insight.

My friend is very good at what she does. So good, in fact, that she is repeatedly asked to present at conferences. She repeatedly declines these invitations to speak. When I asked why, she said, “well, its obvious. I can’t convey my message”. I pressed her, by asking “according to who?” If she has never presented at a conference, then she doesn’t know her message won’t be conveyed. Right? We can’t be afraid of what we don’t know!

The plot thickens. She very matter-of-factly and honestly told me she fears tricking and cheating people. Huh? I did say that – HUH? She is a great writer, and a loud internet presence. She tells the truth like she sees it, honestly expresses her opinion and says what she thinks, all of the time, even at the risk of pissing others off. That’s why she is so good!

So she thinks people will expect the same loud, brash, “say-it-like-it-is” real person they know virtually. She said people will be disappointed when they meet her in person, and she opens her mouth, and st-st-st-st-stutters. That she will have cheated them. I did not understand this and pressed on boldly (uncharacteristic of me, I know!)

She told me people pay thousands of dollars to attend these professional conferences, and that many would sign up for her talk based on name alone. (Wow, to be that self-confident! She can be, because she’s that good).

Then, when she began to talk, or try to, or block or make painfully uncomfortable facial grimaces, people would know. She would be exposed for the fake and the fraud that she really is. That she is not who they were led to believe she was. And that they had been robbed of their money and would feel cheated. And deserve their money back!

I offered gentle reassurance that of course people wouldn’t be that shallow. That professional adults would absolutely accept her for who she is. And she just looked at me and said, “well, if I stuttered like you do, sure maybe. But that’s not going to happen in my case. And we both know it”.

So my friend asks her fluent partner to handle all of the presentations. For the sake of the business. She says sure, she feels a little guilty, pushing all that extra work on to one person. She hopes that it will soon get easier to share the workload when they get up to speed and bring on a third person.

A person that can speak. That will not deceive conference attendees. That will not demand their money back because they felt cheated.

What do you think?

Today’s post is inspired by new friend Anna, who was featured in the January 2011 edition of the Toastmaster magazine. She was also a featured guest on “Women Who Stutter: Our Stories”, in Facing The Monster – Episode 44.

Anna contributed some great comments on the most recent episode featuring Nina G – Standing Up. Anna notes the importance of “fluent stuttering”, which is a term described by Van Riper in the classic stuttering book, The Treatment of Stuttering.

Someone once told me, “if it’s any consolation, at least your stuttering is easy to listen to”. I remember thinking, “why did she have to add the disclaimer phrase, if it’s any consolation?” To me, it sounded like she was paying me a compliment, but framing it as a negative, as if we are not ever supposed to say something positive about stuttering. Well, Anna de-bunks that and more!

I want to share Anna’s recent comments about “fluent stuttering” and how it can be attained by focusing on “the outside” rather than “the inside”.  I like to think of that as quieting our inner self-talk!

Pam,thank you for yet another wonderful pod cast. Nina is another example (one is you) of a person who has something that I call “fluent stuttering”. This means speaking confidently and passionately, without avoidance and fear. The difference with this kind of stuttering from “typical stuttering” – that which can be monotone, deliberate, struggled, or covert speech (I had this too) – is that such fluid stuttering is easy to listen to. In a while you stop noticing the stuttering just as you stop noticing a bit of an accent or some other different speaking pattern.

Speaking openly, expressively, without holding back is a very real goal. I myself aim for total fluency, but if I end up with fluent stuttering instead, I will be just as happy. By the way, I also learned a lot when I enrolled in a clown class – I am not performing on a real stage, but the whole approach to performing – learning how to interact with an audience and feeling confident on stage – is very valuable.

One great thing I learned in clown school is about directing your attention outward. We have lots of exercises to make sure that we focus on the outside rather than staying inside our heads. We, people who stutter, are usually all inside our heads – watching ourselves, anticipating stuttering, trying to figure out listeners’ reaction etc.

Having your attention concentrated on the outside allows you to enter the state of fluency and freedom of fear. The moment you go inside your head (I wonder how I am doing, do they like me?), you get tense and nervous. Nina’s confidence  on stage indicates that her attention is out there, she is connected to her audience. This is what makes Nina and others so fluent, despite stuttering. Fluent stuttering sounds strange, but it is a real phenomena and one that everyone can learn how to do.

I just loved Anna’s thoughts and honesty, especially sharing that she took classes at Clown school. How exciting is that? What do you think of Fluent Stuttering? Can you see yourself doing that and being happy with it, as Anna suggests? Let us know your thoughts!

I had a great experience yesterday at my school that I wanted, well needed, to share. Two weeks ago I did a workshop at a library called “An Un-Royal Talk About Stuttering: Lessons from The King’s Speech”. It was free and open to the community and we had close to 50 people there. One of them present was a colleague of mine, who had seen the movie, knew I stuttered and was really interested in learning more. She also brought her mother.

She came to me the next day and asked if I would do a similar presentation to the Adult LPN classes, one today and the other one, in a more remote location, next week. She felt students preparing to work in the medical field could benefit from hearing this information from someone who lives it every day. I was nervous, but agreed.

I changed the presentation slightly to adapt to a nursing student’s point of view but planned to keep it close to what I had already done, so I didn’t have more work to do.

One of the first things I started with was the question how many in the class had seen the movie! ZERO! These are all working adults with families who take a demanding and intensive LPN course in 10 months and have little time to breathe, let alone watch a movie.

 So I quickly changed my focus, and started telling MY story, hoping they wouldn’t be bored to tears. I shared about my covert years, why I chose that, the hidden feelings of shame and my reluctance to ever show emotion and vulnerability, in addition to stuttering publicly. I shared how I got fired, there was a collective gasp, they wanted to know wasn’t that illegal, etc. I started getting emotional, and one of the teachers brought me the Kleenex box!

Then I shared how my family had NEVER talked with me, or about stuttering, so it was always hard to talk about. I talked about how profoundly my life changed when I was fired and how I decided I wasn’t going to pretend anymore. I was going to let ME out.

You could have heard a pin drop in the room. I noticed and heard a few sniffles. At one point, I asked if anyone knew anyone who stutters, or does anyone stutter. One young woman in her 20’s raised her hand – she said , “I stutter” with tears streaming down her face.

I asked if her class knew, they were all looking now, and she said no, not until that moment. Her classmates then applauded. One girl said, “I thought so, but you are always so quiet, I wasn’t sure”. Heads were nodding and the girl who had disclosed smiled and looked OK.

I started talking about what stuttering is and what it isn’t, and the teacher in the room asked if it drove me insane if people finished my words for me. I smiled and said yes, she said, that as nurses, they are inclined to just want to help.

I then described the different ways stuttering can manifest, and when I got to sometimes people will use lots of filler words, like uhm, and that I used to do that, another hand went up, and a woman said, “OMG, that’s exactly what my 14-year-old son does, all the time. Maybe he stutters. I keep telling him to slow down, take a deep breath”, and she asked what I thought of that. I smiled and said that’s generally not helpful.

She looked concerned and asked out loud, “have I been making it worse for him?” and I said “if we could, we would”. She said she was going to talk to her child about it. She whispered “thank you” to me.

Towards the end, we were running out of time. We had not talked about the movie at all. I showed 1 minute of the 2 minute trailer. They got it. I then asked them if they had ever heard of Porky Pig, and what was he known for. They all knew. They stayed 10 minutes over, which the teachers told me they NEVER do. And they gave a huge applause at the end.

Several came up to me privately, and one more admitted she stutters and is dyslexic but has not told anyone, and that she “got me”. She said she has felt such a huge disconnect, but felt connected with my story as soon as I started telling it. She started crying as we spoke privately and she said she never heard anything this courageous as a teacher standing up in her school telling this story. She kept saying over and over “I got you.”

Who would have thought? 40 students in this Adult class, 2 stutter and one has a child who stutters.

This was a WOW moment for me and I wanted to share it!

That was heard Sunday night a few times as Academy Award winners picked up their Oscars and gave acceptance speeches. It was an extraordinary night for people who stutter. We now have a dignified face put on that which we often hide out of fear and shame.

The King’s Speech won for Best Actor (Firth), Best Director (Hooper), Best Screen Play/Writer (Seidler) and Best Picture. Sweet!

Stuttering is hard to talk about, but has been made easier these past few months and will surely continue in light of this triumph!

My own mother, who doesn’t often say anything about my stuttering, or what I have done with being open about it, did so tonight. Using social media, she posted this on facebook  just a few minutes after The King’s Speech won Best Picture.

“Very good night that you really deserve and I know people (including me) appreciate how much you have done to break down walls and shatter secrets and shine a light in some dark corners.”

That was more important to me than anything else I heard the Hollywood people say. Thanks Mom! That touched me!

And below is David Seidler accepting his academy award and thanking people who stutter all over the world.


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© Pamela A Mertz and Make Room For The Stuttering, 2009 - 2026. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Pamela A Mertz and Make Room For The Stuttering with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. Same protection applies to the podcasts linked to this blog, "Women Who Stutter: Our Stories" and "He Stutters: She Asks Him." Please give credit to owner/author Pamela A Mertz 2026.
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