Author Archive
Giant in Chains
Posted on: September 30, 2010
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In a recent chat with friend “A”, about stuttering of course, we found ourselves talking about self-esteem. We both have felt shame and embarrassment at different times due to our stuttering. And we agree that feelings of shame is a reason people who stutter try to keep it hidden.
“A” wanted to know what things were like for me earlier in my journey, when I wasn’t as comfortable with myself as I am now! In my twenties and thirties I had a hard time with general acceptance because I didn’t like a lot of things about myself. One of those things was stuttering and I always thought it was the main reason why I had such a low opinion of myself. I referred to myself as having low self-esteem at the time.
“A” challenged me to think about this another way. He likened stuttering to being a “giant in chains”. He described having felt unable to achieve his full potential because stuttering held him back.
So he wondered if stuttering resulted in low self-esteem or just an inability to realize our potential because we let the stuttering get in the way. “A” said he felt like a giant with so much potential inside him, that went untapped, because he wasn’t able to communicate the way he wanted.
I think a lot of my potential went unrealized. I let stuttering make decisions for me back then. I always wanted to be a teacher. But I let stuttering, or more correctly, my fear of stuttering, make me steer clear of that. I settled for a career that I thought would involve less talking. (Which of course turned out completely wrong!)
I also settled for a relationship that was never truly right for me. I had such a fear that no one would ever love me. And my stuttering was such a part of that.
I wonder . . . can you relate to this? Did you ever feel you had poor self-esteem when it was actually unrealized potential? And have you let stuttering make decisions for you that you would completely choose differently if given a second chance?
If given a second chance, I would definitely have pursued becoming a teacher and I would not have stayed so long with someone who was not right for me, in all the important ways!
Episode 27 features Aileen, who hails from Long Island, New York. Aileen is a senior in high school and already finding it unbelievable that she will be heading off to college next year.
Aileen is a member of Friends and an active mentor for Friends through the Stepping Up program. She has done classroom presentations and compiled ideas for other kids about talking openly about stuttering.
I had the chance to hear Aileen share part of her story at the Friends Convention held this past summer in Chicago. I was so impressed with her willingness to help others by sharing her personal journey. I was honored when Aileen accepted my invitation to share her story with us.
Listen in as we chat about positive therapy, moving from embarrassment to acceptance and the impact Friends has had on her perspective and attitude. Aileen has tremendous insight into her stuttering and its place in her life already!
I noticed in my dialogue with Aileen that I used a lot of filler words – lots of “uhms” and “like”, which I was not comfortable with! In my listen-back, it seemed I was trying to avoid more stuttering. Wonder why?
Credit for the podcast safe music clip “Echoed” goes to ccMixter.
As always, please feel free to leave comments and especially let Aileen know what a great job she did!
It Depends Who You Talk To
Posted on: September 23, 2010
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Three of my friends who stutter (all male in this instance) have said the same thing in different ways about feeling free to stutter comfortably. Now this is not a profound conclusion at all. It is merely just an interesting observation!
All three have said (in different words) in the last month that they feel very comfortable stuttering when they talk to another person who stutters. Specifically, they have noted that they feel very comfortable stuttering when talking to me. Now, I wonder, is it ME they feel comfortable with, or the fact that I am a woman who stutters? Would they feel comfortable stuttering with any woman who stutters? Hmmmm . . . . . .
My friend JT and I talk all the time. In person and on the phone. He frequently tells me about what a bad speech day he had at work. He almost never stutters around me, or if he does, it is very relaxed. I have asked him about that, and he always says the same thing, “I am so comfortable around you . . . . it’s not an issue. But at work, forget it!”
My friend AA and I talk a lot on the phone and he always seems absolutely comfortable stuttering with me, to the point that he easily tolerates me gently teasing him sometimes. He thinks I purposely pay him compliments just to get him to say “thank you”, which he always stutters on. (I don’t do it purposely; he really is a terrific guy and warrants me occasionally telling him so!)
My new friend BA and I have talked on the phone twice recently and both times he has mentioned that he feels quite comfortable stuttering with me, but works very hard at being covert at work and would never stutter publicly with ease with anyone else.
I could very well be reading way more into this than what is . . . . we are all friends and friends feel comfortable with friends. But I wonder . . . . . is there anything to the gender difference? Might men who stutter feel more comfortable stuttering around women who stutter?
What do you think? I’d love to know your opinion! Or tell me honestly that I am just imagining it!
Episode 26 features Carol Buckingham, who hails from Manassas, Virginia. Carol was the leader of the Northern Virginia NSA Chapter for 15 years, and continues to enjoy being a member of this long time, successful chapter.
I met Carol at my first NSA Conference in 2006, but really got to know her two years ago in Parsippany, NJ . Carol missed the NSA Cleveland this year, her first time missing a conference in 19 years. Carol joined the NSA when it was first known as the NSP or National Stuttering Project.
Carol worked for many years with the federal EPA or Environmental Protection Agency. She shares how she never let her stuttering interfere with doing her job, which involved lots of telephone contact with consumers.
These days, Carol is actively involved with the Farmers Market in her area, helping out 4 or 5 days a week. It seems to really have turned into a second career for her. Check out the Farmers Market newsletter for more information.
Listen in as we discuss acceptance of self and by others. She talks about how she never thought she would find someone who would love her, and how finding that person gives her strength. She is happy with her life.
We also discuss standing up to negative listener reactions to stuttering and how Carol defines “normal”.
Feel free to leave comments. Feedback is so important. It lets me know you are listening.
Credit for the podcast safe music clip, “I’m Gonna Go” goes to DanoSongs.
(Author note about this episode: this was one of the more difficult editing tasks I have had so far. Carol and I had a poor connection the day we chatted. Parts of this audio are not as smooth as I would have liked!)
Be Inspired!
Posted on: September 18, 2010
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Please be sure to visit the International Awareness Stuttering Day On-line Conference held “live” from October 1 – October 22, 2010. The conference can be found on The Stuttering Homepage, under the guidance of Judy Kuster.
Judy has tended to the maintenance and upkeep of this page for years and also coordinates this on-line conference for people from all over the world to learn more about stuttering from the people who live it every day. This is no small feat, even though our friend Judy makes it seem so.
Professionals and consumers from all parts of the world contribute papers, presentations and participation in “ask the experts” sections. You will find information from therapists, professors, parents, and people who stutter from all walks of life.
It is a unique opportunity to learn how stuttering is indeed a global condition that affects millions of people’s’ lives every day. The more we learn from each other, the less mysterious stuttering becomes.
This years theme holds special meaning for me. I have been inspired by so many people who stutter this year. I had the opportunity to meet on-line friends face to face and exchange hugs. I had the chance to have kids who stutter tell their inspiring stories via video recordings, which can be seen on the Friends home page and will also be linked to the ISAD conference. Parents also recorded their stories as well, which was incredibly inspiring.
And I have been inspired by the women who stutter who have shared their stories on the podcast associated with this blog. I have been reminded over and over how powerful story is, and how we each have a story that needs to be told.
Check out this years ISAD on-line conference and be inspired again and again! It will be “live” starting October 1, 2010.
Episode 25 features Katherine Preston, who lives in Chicago, IL via London, England. I had heard about Katherine about two years ago through some of the stuttering email groups. She was writing a book about stuttering and was looking for people to interview.
I met Katherine at the Friends Convention this past July in Chicago. We got to chatting at one of the workshops. She mentioned she was writing a book and I mentioned that I had recently started this podcast for women who stutter to share their stories. We knew there and then that we would eventually have this conversation!
Katherine has a great story. She was trained as a writer/journalist, but found her way into working in Finance in London. She wanted to write a book, so that she could find the bigger meaning of stuttering. She knew it was much bigger than her own experience.
Katherine tells of interviewing two people who stutter in the UK, and then determining that if she was going to do this book right, she would need a much broader scope. She shares her decision to leave London and come to the US, where she traveled around the country eventually interviewing more than 100 people who stutter.
Part of her story includes the journey itself, which included camping out and staying at stranger’s houses. I learned about a unique form of travel adventure known as couch surfing, which I want to try!
Listen in as we talk about random moments, acceptance, voluntary stuttering, dating/socializing and of course the next steps towards the completion of Katherine’s book. I try in vain to determine what the name of the book will be!
Credit for the podcast safe music clip “Echoed” goes to ccMixter
Feel free to leave feedback or questions for either Katherine or Pam here.
It Takes A Community
Posted on: September 14, 2010
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The best thing about writing a blog, especially one that is interactive, is the chance to meet so many people who understand the stuttering experience. And through blogging and other social media, I have had the opportunity to literally meet some of these great people.
Writing and talking about stuttering has been such a rewarding, meaningful experience for me. It has been therapeutic and insightful. I wondered what I should write about when I reached this milestone. Sharing about what sharing has meant made the most sense.
This is blog post NUMBER 300, and to say this experience has been life changing would be an extreme understatement. Writing about something so personal that so many people can relate to has helped acceptance become “more real” for me.
Instead of just talking about it, I have allowed some very private thoughts to be public and invited others who stutter to share their feedback and experiences. My mind and my heart have been opened a thousand times. I have learned so much more about my own feelings and attitudes by having so many other people share their feelings.
On-line participation has become central to the self-help community. I never realized that this blog might become self-help for me, but it has, and I just wanted to let you know that and say THANK YOU.
My life has changed. We are community. And I am proud to be part of the stuttering community.
Fort of Shame- Episode 24
Posted on: September 10, 2010
Episode 24 features Mady, a student at Cal State University Northridge, in Los Angeles, California. I got to know Mady at the 2009 NSA Conference in Scottsdale, AZ. We have since become face book buddies.
Mady is studying psychology and wishes to combine research of stuttering and anxiety in her eventual doctoral program. Mady is also a wonderful writer and enjoys photography.
Listen in as we discuss Mady’s “seasons of stuttering” and how she dealt with denial and covert behaviors. She shares feelings about being secretly conflicted and broken about stuttering, and how she found a good therapist who helped her make sense of those feelings.
Mady also freely shares how she built a “fort of shame” – which she describes as hating something so much that you try to protect yourself against it. She describes how it started to corrode her.
Musical credit for the podcast safe clip “Scott Waves to April’s Salty Grace” goes to ccMixter.
As always, your feedback is encouraged and welcome. Let us know what you thought.
Baggage
Posted on: September 8, 2010
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A friend and I watched the tail-end of a show on the Game Show Channel called “Baggage” recently. It is supposedly a modern dating game. Jerry Springer facilitates a match between a person looking for a date and three potential partners. The idea is that you know what you are getting before you start a relationship and can “opt out”.
This video clip depicts Jerry Springer discussing the premise of the show. He mentions that everyone “has issues”.
Each of the three potential partners has three suitcases, each case denoting a fact or tidbit that might make one think twice about getting involved. The larger the suitcase, the bigger the baggage.
It’s one of those shows that is entertaining to watch. You find yourself wondering, “how would I handle that?” When you see a “normal” guy or woman being the one seeking a date this way, you just have to wonder what they are hiding too. Notice my use of “normal” – I am not sure there is such thing as normal!
It turns out the “seeker” does have his or her own suitcase of baggage. Once the seeker has settled on the person with the least amount of baggage, the “chosen one” then has the chance to discover what baggage the seeker has tucked away in their big bag. This reverse baggage might be a “deal-breaker” too.
My friend and I talked about it – he had really only seen the show twice, both times while hanging out with me. I asked him what kind of baggage he might have hidden in his suitcases. His immediate response was, “Stuttering – absolutely, that’s my baggage. Stuttering is a friend that has to go away. I hate it – of course my baggage is the stuttering”.
Honestly, I was surprised to hear my friend refer to his stuttering like this, as something that if found out, it might be a deal-breaker in a potential relationship. He seemed so sure his stuttering was this “dirty little secret” that if someone found out about it, they might opt out of a relationship with him. Be it a friendship or beyond.
Why was I so surprised? Because I stutter too, and I don’t see someone else’s stuttering as baggage. When I look at my friend, I see confidence, personality, playfulness, just HIM. Stuttering is not even part of the equation. I don’t see it.
I don’t see my stuttering as baggage either. I see the sometimes negative FEELINGS I have about stuttering as excess baggage. The embarrassment and shame that can creep in can be baggage that I wouldn’t want anyone else to have to carry.
Mainly that’s because I project (at least I think I do) an image of confidence and being happy with self. I don’t usually let my vulnerability be easily seen. Maybe that’s one of my issues. And my friends’. Being vulnerable. Being exposed. Not the stuttering . . . . . but the vulnerability.
What do you think? Would stuttering be one of the “issues” in your suitcase that you call “baggage”?
Episode 23 features Jade Vincent Hall, who hails from Sydney, Australia, via London, England. Jade is a 20-year-old young woman who experienced late onset stuttering at the age of 16. She now works in a call center, a job where there couldn’t be any more communication!
I was introduced to Jade through a social media on-line friend, and we had the opportunity to “meet” over Skype. Jade was very willing to share her story, and share she does. She quite honestly talks about this scary and confusing time of her life, and what ultimately helped her move forward.
Listen in as we chat about how the late onset stammering occurred and felt and what a scary time it was for Jade. We also chat about moving from the UK to Australia shortly after Jade began stammering, how her school life was affected, early therapy and the McGuire program.
Jade discusses “assertive self acceptance” and being happy with who we are. This video clip features Jade and several other young people involved in the Australian McGuire program.
Feel free to leave comments or questions for Jade, or just tell her how great it was to hear her story.
The music clip “Fireproof Babies” used in this audio is podcast safe music and is credited to ccMixter.
Bit Of A Thespian?
Posted on: September 4, 2010
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At a recent training, I found myself assigned to one of the dreaded small break-out groups where we work together on a mini assignment. I am sure you know what I am talking about. The large group counts out numbers, and all the “1”s form a group, and the “2”s and so on. We work on something and then present it out as a team to the larger group.
I have always hated these things. I think everyone does. I was with a group of teachers and did not know anyone. We had 20 minutes to work on our project and then decide how EACH one of us would participate in sharing our results with the larger group. Which meant we would all have to talk. There was no escaping!
No one was nuts about it. Even as teachers who stand up in front of a classroom every day, everyone seemed anxious. We all worry about making a fool of ourselves up in front of a group we don’t know. But, we were all in the same spot, so we just sucked it up and made the best of what we had to do.
Of course, my worry was would I stutter and how much? No one here knew me, and it didn’t feel like a place to do any advertising or disclosure. I don’t think anyone else was worrying about that.
It was a science project we were to work on and then present our findings. Me and science do not mix. There were 4 science teachers in my group, me and one administrator. Everybody set out immediately to work on the problem that needed to be solved. The teachers were busy writing and one even pulled out a calculator and began working on the numeric portion of what would need to be presented.
I was feeling quite lost and after a few minutes of observing everyone working individually, I asked how were we going to make this a group presentation. I also reminded everyone we were running out of time and had not yet decided who would do what. I took the lead, and suggested that the teachers “do” and “present”the middle part and the other non-teacher and myself would handle the intro and conclusion.
Everybody seemed in agreement, and we even decided we would stand in the order we would present. I liked that idea, and with a few precious minutes left, we all worked on what we would say. Even though this was just a simulated science project and nothing real was “at stake”, we all wanted to do well in front of our peers. I insisted we take a few minutes and each quickly review what we each would say. We did, and then it was show time.
I wrapped up our presentation with a summary and “call to action”. I improvised much of what I said in the moment. It came off sounding great, and I was relieved to have had only a few blips of stuttering. Several of my group commented that my wrap-up sounded polished and easy, and I looked very comfortable.
I attributed much of this to my participation in Toastmasters. Practicing impromptu speaking has really helped with my courage and confidence.
On the way out of the training for the day, one of the organizers also commented to me that she thought I had done a terrific job. She added, “looks like you are even a bit of a thespian. You have a flair for the dramatic. Do your students ever pick up on that?”
I told her that I think most of my students tolerate me as much as they do any other adult standing before them!
But I wondered about her comment, suggesting that I infuse a little drama into my speaking. I have noticed that as well when I do a speech in Toastmasters. When I speak in a non-conversational mode and project my voice, as in “acting out a role” perhaps, I stutter less.
I wonder if this is inadvertently a technique I use to manage my stuttering when doing public speaking. I don’t intentionally set out to “add some drama”, but evidently I do, as I have noticed it and others have.
What do you think? Has anyone had a similar experience? Maybe I am courting a new career . . . . . . .
Episode 22 features Heather Baier, who hails from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Heather is an apprentice meteorological technician. She explains precisely what this is, after it is evident pretty quickly that I have no idea!
I first met Heather through the Twitter community. We periodically ran into each other on-line, and chatted together in a couple of group Skype calls. We eventually became Face book friends too. But we didn’t really get to know each other until we did this podcast episode.
Listen is as we chat about Heather’s work in a non-traditional career path, as well as her prior military experience. She has always been interested in electronics and science, and a secret passion for FLYING.
We also chat about the importance of her close-knit family, life lessons she has learned, and how positive attitude and choosing happiness has indelibly shaped her life.
You can find out more about Heather by reading her fantastic blog, The Adventures of an Apprentice Met Tech Ti-ger. Here, she talks about her work, stuttering acceptance and how everything all fits together.
Musical credit for the clip “Silver Shine” goes to Dano Songs, which is podcast safe music.
Feel free to leave comments or questions for Heather. She’d love to hear your feedback. I would too.
My Brother’s Question
Posted on: August 28, 2010
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I have written a few times that I really only comfortably discuss stuttering with one sibling regularly. Most of my family doesn’t like talking about it, even though I do. Kim and I talk about stuttering often. She works as a nurse and feels my openness about my stuttering has helped her be more patient with some of her patients.
I did talk about stuttering twice with another sister, who was willing to do an audio conversation with me once. But that’s it. With most of my family, it’s the same taboo it pretty much always was. Unless I bring it up.
So I was surprised when my brother called me last night. He needed a favor and also wanted some advice about stuttering for a co-worker.
A new employee works in the warehouse and in my brother’s words, has a “wicked stutter”. He wanted to know if I had any brochures or literature on anything that has helped me that he could leave “subliminally” around. I said sure, I could give him stuff or send him some links with resources.
I had to laugh when I got off the phone with my brother. His use of the word “subliminally” tickled me. I can just see this poor guy who stutters, minding his own business in the warehouse, and suddenly he stumbles on some information about stuttering. Which would be really out-of-place in the warehouse environment.
I was glad my brother felt comfortable enough asking me about this. He never has initiated conversation about stuttering with me. But I also had a few other thoughts.
It made me wonder, how will this guy feel? Will he be embarrassed? Will he think colleagues are embarrassed by his stutter, that’s why someone left stuttering information lying around? Or will he be happy to come across something that might help him? Will he be grateful that it was done anonymously? Will he take the information or ignore it?
It made me wonder, how would I feel? What about you? Would you be OK if you found something on stuttering suddenly and randomly in your workplace?
Stuttering Well – Episode 21
Posted on: August 26, 2010
Episode 21 features Stephie Hirsh, M.A. CCC-SLP, who hails from Highland Park, Illinois. Stephie had been teaching 4th and 5th grades before deciding to return to graduate school to pursue a career as a SLP. She chose to pursue speech language pathology after being inspired by the FRIENDS organization.
Stephie’s story is really one about “paying it forward”. She shares how profoundly impacted she was by meeting therapist Kristin Chmela when Stephie was just 16. Meeting Kristin was the first time Stephie had ever met another woman who stuttered. She was struck by how strong and confident and successful Ms. Chmela was and by how important it was/is to have strong women as role models in our lives.
I first met Stephie last year at Friends 2009 in Tampa, Florida. We only briefly talked then, but I was impressed with Stephie’s confidence being a woman who stutters and a SLP. I got to talk with her more this year at Friends 2010 in Chicago. I wanted to find out more about what makes her so passionate about working with kids and teens who stutter.
Listen in as Stephie shares her story of finding her voice and wanting to help others do the same. Stephie also talks about what it was like going to her first self-help conference at 18, and meeting so many guys who stuttered. We also discuss acceptance and how important it is to find and embrace good therapy.
Stephie founded The Center for Communication & Fluency Therapy and has also been actively involved with Camp Speak Up, which is a stuttering camp for children and adolescents. She is a member of ASHA’s fluency special interest division (4), and the National Stuttering Association (NSA), as well as FRIENDS.
Credit for the clip “Echoed” goes to ccmixter, which provides podcast safe music under the creative commons license.
Feel free to leave comments or feedback for Stephie, and for Pam as well if you like!
Episode 20 features Cheryl, who hails from the Bay area of California. Cheryl is a recent college graduate with a degree in psychology and a minor in creative writing. She is presently unsure of her career path, but knows that someday she wants to write.
She envisions writing fiction, either novels or short stories. She also is considering speech pathology with a special interest in research of brain pathways of people who stutter. What a great combination, huh? Creative writing, brain research and psychology.
I first met Cheryl on the email group, Stuttering Chat. We learned that we had both attended the same NSA conferences, but just had not met in person. We eventually connected on Face book and Skype and began actually chatting instead of just virtually chatting.
Not surprisingly, Cheryl is a lover of books and calls herself a bookworm. She also enjoys travel, with a special penchant for Paris. She studied abroad in Paris for four months, falling in love with the city of enlightenment. (thanks to B for gently correcting me!)
Listen is as we chat about school experiences, social skills development and how stuttering influences self-esteem. Cheryl also shares her therapy experiences and how it feels to “relapse” after experiencing fluency.
Feel free to comment or leave feedback for either of us.
Music used in this episode is podcast safe music from CCmixter. The title of the clip is “Scott waves to April’s salty Grace”. (I love this title!)
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