Posts Tagged ‘acceptance of stuttering’
Let It Be
Posted on: April 7, 2011
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I found myself responding to someone who was thinking out loud about stuttering. She said, “I just don’t get it.” I mused she probably was referring to, “Why is stuttering so unpredictable?”
The variability and complexity of how we sound, how we feel, how one day it’s one way and the next it is completely different is quite amazing. To me, anyway. There are some who will surely find ways to describe stuttering that does not include the adjective “amazing.”
For a long time, I tried to figure things out – why this, why that, why some people react one way, why others say dumb things, why sometimes I am like an open book, and other times, I find myself with heat on my face and my heart thumping. I stopped trying to figure it out.
It is so much easier to just let things be the way they are going to be. It sounds simplistic. Perhaps it may even seem to minimize the struggle of stuttering for some.
I have an embroidered framed art piece of one of my favorite sayings, “It Is What It Is”. I used to think that even thinking that about stuttering or my reaction was a “cop-out”. Some things are just going to happen and life will go on. I have determined that to be a fact.
No matter how hard I try to analyze or rationalize or convince myself otherwise, some days I am going to stutter a lot and feel tense, and some days I am going to hardly stutter at all.
I think sometimes its harder to just relax and let my natural self be. I had become so used to making excuses, rationalizing, over-thinking, obsessing about everything. It’s what I did, all of the time. That was when I considered myself very covert about my stuttering.
Now, to just relax and be, really BE, sometimes I have to remind myself of just that – that who I am is really OK. Screw everyone else who doesn’t think so.
Yes, this is hard to do in a (perceived) judgmental world, but I guess I just have reached the point where all the needless worrying about how I will sound or what someone will think is just not so important anymore.
Just like the song says, “Let It Be”.
Episode 50 features Jenny who hails from Santa Clarita, California. Jenny and her husband are the proud parents of two boys, Matthew and Nathan, with a third boy arriving in July. Congratulations to all!
Congratulations also to “Women Who Stutter: Our Stories”, for this milestone 50th episode. I am proud to be part of this magical telling of stories that have just been waiting to be heard.
Before becoming a stay-at-home mom, Jenny was pursuing her doctorate in higher education at UCLA. She was researching what impact choosing two year community colleges before transferring into four year schools might have on the typical college student.
Jenny jokes that she had vowed that she would not be one of those women who did not complete her educational goals because of pregnancy, but so far, parenting has kept her busy enough to not finish the PhD yet!
Listen in as we talk about acceptance, guilt and shame, and what it has been like for Jenny’s son Matthew, who is 9 years old and also stutters.
Matthew was having a hard time with bullying and teasing by peers, which ultimately helped Jenny begin to resolve her own acceptance issues with being a woman who stutters.
Jenny found a great speech therapist for Matthew, who has also met two other kids his age who stutter. Jenny herself has recently begun attending the NSA chapter in San Fernando Valley and hopes to attend her first NSA conference herself in 2012.
Credit for the podcast safe music clip used in this episode goes to DanoSongs.
As always, feel free to leave feedback for either Jenny or me. We’d love to hear your thoughts on being a woman who stutters who also has a child who stutters.
The Outer Rim Of A Bowl-Episode 49
Posted on: March 14, 2011
Episode 49 features Hannah Laday, who hails from Central New Jersey. Hannah came out of the woods of rural Maine to attend a stuttering retreat, met and married George, and moved to New Jersey.
Hannah is the leader of the Central New Jersey NSA chapter. We got to know each other through NSA conferences, email, the covert support list and phone chats. Hannah also works as a direct support professional for women with developmental disabilities.
Hannah has had quite the journey. She literally moved out of the woods onto a road and began using a phone after a long time of not doing so. “Bottoming out” finally propelled her to make changes in her life.
She has pushed outside of her comfort zone many times. She “exposed” herself at the NSA Covert panel workshop and contributed a paper about covert stuttering to the 2010 ISAD online conference. Read and learn about “Lightening the Load of Covert Stuttering”.
Listen in to a robust dialogue with plenty of emotion. We talk about how and why we limit ourselves, being in groups but not really part of them, courage and change. The take away from this episode – never, ever think you don’t have a story that needs telling. We all need to be heard. Our stories are powerful!
Credit for the podcast safe musical clip “Echoed” goes to ccMixter. Be sure to leave comments. Feedback is a gift!
I Still Have To Talk – Episode 48
Posted on: March 7, 2011
Episode 48 features Annette, who hails from Victoria, British Columbia, Canada. Annette is 23 years old, and is a Registered Nurse. She graduated from nursing school two years ago and has been practicing for one year.
She has been working in a long-term care home, and as of this publication, will be starting a new position in a rehabilitation hospital. She easily discloses that it’s not always easy being a nurse who stutters, but she knows she is just as competent as any of her co-workers.
Annette explains that she finds it easier to talk with her patients and co-workers than it is with doctors. We explore how very often talking with anybody in a position of authority can be stressful and intimidating. Annette shares that she feels more in control when interacting with her patients.
We talk about how stuttering has impacted relationships with friends and family, and the differences in how her mom and dad have approached it with her. Annette also shares her experiences with speech therapy and what has been most helpful for her.
The biggest insight for Annette has been overcoming fear, gaining confidence and being open. And that comes through loud and clear in this conversation. Give it up for a strong, independent young woman doing exactly what she wants to do. You go girl. That’s what it is all about!
Credit for the podcast safe music used in this episode goes to ccMixter. Feel free to leave comments for Annette or just let her know how cool she is!
Standing Up – Episode 47
Posted on: February 24, 2011
Episode 47 features Nina G, the Bay Area’s Only Stuttering Stand-Up Comic. Nina is a return guest. We first met Nina and heard her story in Episode 17, back in early August 2010. At that time, Nina talked about how she always wanted to get into comedy and what finally prompted her to take the plunge.
In today’s episode, Nina shares how it feels to be approaching her one-year anniversary as a comic and what the experience has really been like. She also shares the significance of how performing stand-up on stage allows her to perfect real “standing up” for herself.
We also discuss how important validation is, the importance of laughter and giving people permission to laugh, and how comedy has brought Nina much closer to authenticity, which is what we all strive for.
Nina also shares what the reactions have been to her comedy, from her stuttering peers, her family and mainstream audiences. And we talk about how stuttering more, and in comedy, has crossed over into other areas of her life.
Listen in to this great episode and hear how stand-up comedy from a person who stutters really does mean “standing up”. I must get to the San Francisco area one day to see Nina G perform on stage. She has offered me a “standing” invitation. Please be sure to leave comments or questions for Nina, and me too, if you wish!
Credit for the podcast safe music used in this episode goes to DanoSongs
Also, if you have not seen a clip of Nina, please be sure to check this out. Nina G – a stand up woman standing up for all of us.
Road To Empowerment- Episode 45
Posted on: February 10, 2011
Episode 45 features Perla Ernest who hails from Mexico, by way of the UK, Saudi Arabia, and Brunei. She is 23 years old, British/Mexican, and has a history of covert stuttering, except when she couldn’t hide it! Today, Perla views herself as a recovering stammerer.
Perla is an ambitious young woman. She wants to use her years of experience abroad to start her own business of cross-culture training. She sees a need to teach multi-cultural norms and differences in a global business world.
Perla and I were introduced by Maria McGrath, featured in Episode 38. Perla shares how the McGuire therapy program changed her life. Perla explains many of the basic tenets of the McGuire program, including breathing and voluntary stuttering.
Listen in as we discuss career goals, communication and covert stuttering. Perla tells some great stories about the elaborate avoidance techniques she used to keep her stuttering hidden. Perla poignantly shares the story of how the mother of an ex-boyfriend who referred to her as “Perla the Stammerer”, and how that jolted her out of her belief that she had hidden her stammering successfully.
We also discuss inspiration, empowerment and leadership. And we talk about rock bottom and acceptance. Perla hopes to bring the McGuire program as an option to people who stutter in Mexico.
Credit for the podcast safe musical clip”Scott Waves to April With Salty Grace” goes to ccMixter.
Feel free to leave comments for Perla (or me). Feedback is a gift!
I Am Enough – Episode 42
Posted on: January 21, 2011
Episode 42 features Nora O’Connor, who hails from Los Angeles, California. Nora is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. She presently works as a therapist in a residential drug treatment program for male parolees.
Nora shares how she always wanted to be in the helping profession. But she thought for a long time that being a social worker with a severe stutter (that she did not accept) was a real oxymoron. It’s a good thing for us that Nora worked this out, because as you will hear, she is a real gift.
Nora shares glimpses of her very personal journey with addiction and the dark depths of hopelessness. She turned to alcohol and other drugs to deal with her stuttering, and has now celebrated 15 years in recovery. She strongly believes that this journey has influenced every aspect of her being. It has also helped her find the beautiful, strong woman Nora always was, just waiting to emerge.
Listen is as Nora talks about what authenticity means to her, and how she discovered that bringing her whole true self to the table is very inviting to others. We also discuss finding acceptance, and how Nora wants to move beyond that, to just “being”. Not being a woman or person who stutters, but just being and breathing. (By the way, check out Nora’s blog, Just Breathe and Stay Human, for more on that).
We also talk about the important people in her life, and how Nora is excited to discover the opportunities that await her in the next decade. I always look for a key phrase or thought that a woman who is telling her story shares with us. This was hard, as Nora shares many gems. But in addition to the apt title of this episode, I loved how Nora refers to stuttering as “humility in disguise.”
Nora also co-wrote a paper on Self-Image Issues as part of a panel presentation on Women Living with Stuttering for the 2002 International Stuttering Awareness Day (ISAD) on-line conference, which can be found on The Stuttering Home Page, an absolute wealth of information on stuttering.
The podcast safe music clip, “Today Then Tomorrow” used in this episode is credited to DanoSongs.
If Nora’s story touches you (as it did me), be sure to leave a comment. Feedback is a gift.
Doors Of Opportunity-Episode 40
Posted on: January 10, 2011
Episode 40 features Mary Rose Sevilla Labandelo, or Mary Lab,as she is known on Facebook, who hails from Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada.
Mary is the founder/coordinator of the Vancouver Support Group for Stutterers and has been a board member of the British Columbia Association for People who Stutter. She is presently a Pre-school teacher.
Mary has always enjoyed being around children, and finds she stutters much less when around children. She finds she has more control, when being in the “role” of teacher, and therefore, has more control over her speech. Mary discusses how she finds that “acting out characters” when reading to children really helps her!
Listen is as we discuss the impact of stuttering on Mary’s childhood and how its been different for her as an adult. We discuss disclosure, acceptance, and the value of using her own experiences to help others.
Mary shares how attending a conference of the Canadian Stuttering Association helped her finally embrace herself and drive her towards acceptance. Mary also discusses how she views her stuttering as different from the “stereotypical” image of stuttering.
The podcast safe music clip, “I’m Gonna Shine” used in this episode is credited to DanoSongs.
Please feel free to leave comments for Mary, or just let her know what a great job she did! Feedback is a gift, as I keep learning!
No Excuses! – Episode 39
Posted on: January 4, 2011
Episode 39 features Beata Akerman, who hails from Ljubljana, Slovenija (Central Europe). She is a researcher/assistant lecturer in the Faculty of Social Work at the University of Ljubljana. We first met on Facebook, and then enjoyed a video skype chat!
She completed her Masters thesis on changing public discourse on people who stammer in Slovenija. For her doctoral dissertation, she plans to research employment and educational opportunities for people who stammer.
Beata has stuttered since she was 4 years old, and suffered great humiliation as a child and young adult. She was often the brunt of cruel jokes and thought to be intellectually deficient because of her stuttering. She has worked hard on personal acceptance and raising awareness of stuttering in her country.
She has written articles, appeared on television and has even written her own children’s book about a fairy princess who stammers (see link below). Beata also started the first support group for people who stammer in Slovenija. She is the group leader and only female member who attends the group, so far.
Listen in as Beata shares her heartfelt, painful and ultimately triumphant journey of shameful stammering to acceptance. She is a woman of courage who is willing to share her story in order to inspire others who stammer in her country, especially women.
Music used in this episode is credited to ccMixter.
This is a pdf version of Izabela – A Fairy Princess Who Stammered translated into English, without the illustrations.
Also, thanks to Sachin of TISA, here is written text of an interview with Beata. She is truly a role model for women who stutter all over the world.
Your comments, questions or feedback are invited. I am sure Beata would love to hear your thoughts on her story.
Reflections On The King’s Speech
Posted on: January 1, 2011
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I went alone to see the movie The Kings Speech, wanting to experience it by myself. I had read reviews about the movie, and knew the story, but felt I needed to feel my feelings without worrying about how someone sitting next to me might react if I got emotional.
I sat in the back, eager to see this movie everyone in the stuttering community has been talking about. I sipped hot tea and had extra napkins for when tears might fall.
I did not expect the strong emotional reaction I had. From the opening scene, my heart pounded and my eyes welled up. When Colin Firth (playing the prince who would be king) stepped up to the microphone to speak publicly, I recognized the look on his face. The actor captured it perfectly – the panic, fear, shame and embarrassment, all etched on his face before he even opened his mouth.
And when he did open his mouth, nothing came out at first. Then, a faltering, struggled syllable, which seemed to reverberate through the stadium, and then, silence. The silences were deafening and as the camera panned the faces in the crowd, I saw pained looks, averted eyes, and then the look of shame on the soon-to-be-king’s face intensified.
This movie brilliantly portrays what it “feels like” to stutter. It shows that stuttering is so much more than what does (or doesn’t) come out of our mouths. It is those feelings that we almost never talk about that the movie poignantly illustrates.
I was transfixed right away. I won’t mention specific lines and scenes, because if you are reading this and haven’t seen the movie yet, I don’t want to be a spoiler. But I will share what I felt, physically and emotionally, as I watched.
My heart was pounding and my eyes overflowed several times. I wiped tears away that streamed down my face, unabashedly. Why was I so moved? Because the portrayal of stuttering, and the reactions of those around this man who stuttered, stirred so many of my own memories and emotions. I was reminded of what I felt as a helpless child, a child who felt like I had disappointed my parents. I was reminded of how defective I felt and how I tried for so long to hide my stuttering.
I had a knot in my stomach, as I recognized how much people who stutter have in common, irregardless of whether we are royalty or common. The people close to the King reacted to his stuttering, making me appreciate that audience members were seeing that stuttering doesn’t just affect the person who stutters, but also includes siblings, parents and spouses.
I laughed at the parts that were funny. I cheered when he put his fears aside and spoke anyway. I empathized when he broke down privately with his wife and shared feelings of failure and inadequacy, which is hard to put into words. I have felt those feelings too.
Truthfully, I was deeply moved by the whole film. It was told with grace, dignity, and was funny at times, just like life. The stuttering was not demeaning or comic. It was done in such a way that you couldn’t help but “feel something” as you watched.
People in the audience applauded at the end. I so wanted to know WHY? What did they think? Why were they moved? They don’t stutter. What did it mean to them?
I hope to find out. My friend Steve (who is a SLP and stutters) and I are going to do a workshop next month at our community library. We are calling it “An Un-Royal Talk About Stuttering”. We will provide resources on self-help, support, and therapy. Hopefully, we will also dispel some myths and help people feel comfortable talking about stuttering.
It is up to us, people who stutter, to raise awareness and educate others. We can’t just stand by, assuming that someone else is speaking up. Because they might be too afraid or embarassed. This movie may remove some of the stigma and silence.
If you haven’t seen the movie yet, GO. You will be moved, I guarantee it.
This article I wrote was published in today’s print edition of the Albany, NY Times Union 1/1/2011 .
The People In Our Lives
Posted on: December 22, 2010
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Short and sweet today. I have spent a lot of time reflecting on how rich my life is. And that is because of the many people I share my life with. It is so true what they say that it is not money that measures our riches – but indeed the relationships we build.
My life has been enriched by the people I come into contact with, and I truly feel I am a better person because I let my heart be open to new people and experiences.
Thank you for enriching my life!
Guest Blogger: Bobby On Dating
Posted on: December 13, 2010
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A young man wrote a very poignant letter to the on-line group Stutt-l, sharing his concerns about dating and his fears that women never seem to be able to look past his stuttering. The young man ponders will it ever be possible for him to find someone who will be happy with him as he is. He doesn’t think so!
Several people responded to 27-year-old Justin, and one man in particular shared his very personal story about his own fears and insecurities. I was so moved by his share that I asked Bobby Childers if he would be willing to share on this blog as today’s guest blogger and he kindly agreed. ( These are Bobby’s words. with minor editing).
Dear Justin,
I have stuttered since I was 5 years old (I’m now 53), so I’ve been doing it so long I’ve gotten rather good at it. I started speech therapy back in the 3rd grade in 1966 and I kept at it until 6th grade. I never had many friends at school or away from school, but I always attributed that to the fact that I didn’t like people. It wasn’t until much later in my adult life I discovered that I was only fooling myself.
In the 9th grade I met the girl who would become my wife many years later. I used to see her everyday at lunch, and would stop by and tell her a really bad joke (which of course took me 3 days to tell it) and then I would run off before she could respond. I guess you could say that I loved her from afar, for many years.
I was a hard-core Moto-X racer (dirt motorcycle) from about the age of 8, so I traveled all over the southwest US racing. It was my escape from the day-to-day frustrations of stuttering and not being able to talk to anyone, including my family. When I was on my motorcycle, I could talk to anyone, but once I got off, the stuttering came back full force.
I graduated high school and went to college for a couple of years, but I couldn’t handle the stress of so many “new” people I saw and/or met everyday. Trying to introduce myself was worse than “Nightmare on Elm Street”, so I quit college! I went back home and found a job where I didn’t have to talk to people much (computers as that is what I studied in college). I kept to myself, never attempted to date for fear of being ridiculed, laughed at, etc. I kept racing my motorcycle because that was my freedom from everything.
By the time I was 27 I had broken every bone in my body, some 3, 4, 5 even 6 times and was fast becoming a full-fledged alcoholic because of my insecurities with my speech. In 1985 I was invited to my 10th High School reunion by the girl I used to tell bad jokes to in the 9th grade. I had a Citizens Band radio in my truck (I was called “The Shadow” and she was called “Rainbow”) because there no one knew who I was or anything else but what they heard on the radio. For short periods of time I could talk fairly smooth on the radio and when my speech began to falter I would get off for a while.
I went to the reunion under protest as I didn’t associate much with anyone back then and re-met the “love of my life”. She and her two kids (girl-7, boy-4) were in an abusive relationship and she was trying to get out with the kids. About 18 months later she became my wife and I became an “instant parent”. At the end of January 2011, it will be 25 years we’ve been married.
In 1999 after the son graduated high school, we all went to New Mexico State University in Las Cruces, NM and started college. The next spring I got into speech therapy at the University due to one of my professors who recommended it. The student clinicians there (I had 4 over spring, summer and fall semesters of 2000) taught me more than they were supposed to do.
They did teach me fluency techniques to help ease my stuttering, but they also taught me (I was 42 at the time) that I was more than my stuttering. I was a real person who had good qualities that I could and should share with others. I had to leave speech therapy during the spring 2001 semester as I was in my final semester and between work/school, I just didn’t have the time. But I did try to keep up with the techniques I was taught.
I joined this support group because of my student clinicians, who made a huge difference in my life. I want to give back and help others on their journey. I finally had someone to talk to that actually knew the frustrations, anxiety and pain I felt my whole life. My wife and daughter helped me understand along with the student clinicians that I really was more than my speech. Now I have 3 granddaughters (5, 12 and 15) and none of them are bothered the least bit by my speech.
You need to see that you will find the right girl out there who will accept you for what and who you are, which is not your stuttering. Don’t go after a girl with the intention of a date; instead look for a friend who just happens to be a girl. As much as I hate saying this (I’m the one who has stated for many, many years that “I hate wives, kids, cats and dogs” and of course they all ignore me…..so not fair), but women and girls seem to have a unique ability to see inside a guy’s outward persona.
Women will be able to see through any facade you present to them and will know if you want to know them as a friend or a sexual conquest. Tell them you stutter, and you have gotten good at it, but it is not the ONLY you, it is just a small part of the real you. Tell them as time goes on and you become more familiar with her, your stuttering may reduce somewhat, but it is always there waiting on the outside wings.
You will know soon enough if they like “you” or are ashamed of “you”. The ones who are ashamed don’t deserve you. Look for someone else that sees beyond the speech.
I was 29 when I got married (actually 28 and 10 months), so there is still time for you to meet the “girl of your dreams”, and she is out there, somewhere where you will probably least expect it. Once you find her, she will be your best friend for life, and will probably become your wife for life in the process.
I have been in your shoes and walked more than a mile in them. Be yourself, if you stutter, so be it, and go on. Don’t make a big issue out of it or she will wonder who you really are. Women don’t want a phony; they want someone who is real, with real flaws and quirks as they have their own. Laugh with them, not at them, and remember to not take yourself too seriously.
Bobby
Make Room For The Stuttering 
What people are saying!