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Guest Blogger: Bobby On Dating
Posted on: December 13, 2010
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A young man wrote a very poignant letter to the on-line group Stutt-l, sharing his concerns about dating and his fears that women never seem to be able to look past his stuttering. The young man ponders will it ever be possible for him to find someone who will be happy with him as he is. He doesn’t think so!
Several people responded to 27-year-old Justin, and one man in particular shared his very personal story about his own fears and insecurities. I was so moved by his share that I asked Bobby Childers if he would be willing to share on this blog as today’s guest blogger and he kindly agreed. ( These are Bobby’s words. with minor editing).
Dear Justin,
I have stuttered since I was 5 years old (I’m now 53), so I’ve been doing it so long I’ve gotten rather good at it. I started speech therapy back in the 3rd grade in 1966 and I kept at it until 6th grade. I never had many friends at school or away from school, but I always attributed that to the fact that I didn’t like people. It wasn’t until much later in my adult life I discovered that I was only fooling myself.
In the 9th grade I met the girl who would become my wife many years later. I used to see her everyday at lunch, and would stop by and tell her a really bad joke (which of course took me 3 days to tell it) and then I would run off before she could respond. I guess you could say that I loved her from afar, for many years.
I was a hard-core Moto-X racer (dirt motorcycle) from about the age of 8, so I traveled all over the southwest US racing. It was my escape from the day-to-day frustrations of stuttering and not being able to talk to anyone, including my family. When I was on my motorcycle, I could talk to anyone, but once I got off, the stuttering came back full force.
I graduated high school and went to college for a couple of years, but I couldn’t handle the stress of so many “new” people I saw and/or met everyday. Trying to introduce myself was worse than “Nightmare on Elm Street”, so I quit college! I went back home and found a job where I didn’t have to talk to people much (computers as that is what I studied in college). I kept to myself, never attempted to date for fear of being ridiculed, laughed at, etc. I kept racing my motorcycle because that was my freedom from everything.
By the time I was 27 I had broken every bone in my body, some 3, 4, 5 even 6 times and was fast becoming a full-fledged alcoholic because of my insecurities with my speech. In 1985 I was invited to my 10th High School reunion by the girl I used to tell bad jokes to in the 9th grade. I had a Citizens Band radio in my truck (I was called “The Shadow” and she was called “Rainbow”) because there no one knew who I was or anything else but what they heard on the radio. For short periods of time I could talk fairly smooth on the radio and when my speech began to falter I would get off for a while.
I went to the reunion under protest as I didn’t associate much with anyone back then and re-met the “love of my life”. She and her two kids (girl-7, boy-4) were in an abusive relationship and she was trying to get out with the kids. About 18 months later she became my wife and I became an “instant parent”. At the end of January 2011, it will be 25 years we’ve been married.
In 1999 after the son graduated high school, we all went to New Mexico State University in Las Cruces, NM and started college. The next spring I got into speech therapy at the University due to one of my professors who recommended it. The student clinicians there (I had 4 over spring, summer and fall semesters of 2000) taught me more than they were supposed to do.
They did teach me fluency techniques to help ease my stuttering, but they also taught me (I was 42 at the time) that I was more than my stuttering. I was a real person who had good qualities that I could and should share with others. I had to leave speech therapy during the spring 2001 semester as I was in my final semester and between work/school, I just didn’t have the time. But I did try to keep up with the techniques I was taught.
I joined this support group because of my student clinicians, who made a huge difference in my life. I want to give back and help others on their journey. I finally had someone to talk to that actually knew the frustrations, anxiety and pain I felt my whole life. My wife and daughter helped me understand along with the student clinicians that I really was more than my speech. Now I have 3 granddaughters (5, 12 and 15) and none of them are bothered the least bit by my speech.
You need to see that you will find the right girl out there who will accept you for what and who you are, which is not your stuttering. Don’t go after a girl with the intention of a date; instead look for a friend who just happens to be a girl. As much as I hate saying this (I’m the one who has stated for many, many years that “I hate wives, kids, cats and dogs” and of course they all ignore me…..so not fair), but women and girls seem to have a unique ability to see inside a guy’s outward persona.
Women will be able to see through any facade you present to them and will know if you want to know them as a friend or a sexual conquest. Tell them you stutter, and you have gotten good at it, but it is not the ONLY you, it is just a small part of the real you. Tell them as time goes on and you become more familiar with her, your stuttering may reduce somewhat, but it is always there waiting on the outside wings.
You will know soon enough if they like “you” or are ashamed of “you”. The ones who are ashamed don’t deserve you. Look for someone else that sees beyond the speech.
I was 29 when I got married (actually 28 and 10 months), so there is still time for you to meet the “girl of your dreams”, and she is out there, somewhere where you will probably least expect it. Once you find her, she will be your best friend for life, and will probably become your wife for life in the process.
I have been in your shoes and walked more than a mile in them. Be yourself, if you stutter, so be it, and go on. Don’t make a big issue out of it or she will wonder who you really are. Women don’t want a phony; they want someone who is real, with real flaws and quirks as they have their own. Laugh with them, not at them, and remember to not take yourself too seriously.
Bobby
Tug-Of-War
Posted on: December 6, 2010
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Remember playing this game as a kid? I never liked it. I didn’t see the point, and it always seemed I got rope burn trying to pull so hard. And as the game goes, the harder you pull, the more effort the other side expends so they can win.
Speaking of rope burn, I also remember as a kid sliding down some huge slide sitting on a burlap sack. I can’t remember where , but the memory just came roaring back. That experience was like a tug-of-war too. I remember feeling gloriously free careening down the slide, caressed and stung by the wind and having no worries during that fast and furious moment.
And then the moment at the bottom when I realized the ride was over and my butt had slid off the burlap sack and I had rope burn all up and down my legs. The price I paid for that exhilarating run. I wish someone had told me to wear pants!
I have discovered that you can also play tug-of-war with feelings. Someone reminded me that if I expect those close to me to know what I want and need without telling them directly, I will be disappointed. This is akin to mind-reading, which most of us don’t do very well.
I know this intellectually, but emotionally it is still often hard for me to be direct about my feelings and even identify what it is that I am feeling. There must be a way to strike a balance between the desire to show my feelings and pressing my autopilot button to conceal my truest self, which I did for a long time. It was my survival tactic.
Simply put, as I was gently reminded, I am not used to anyone showing care and tenderness toward me. I don’t know how to react, or how to let it in. I want to, but the feelings that rush up overwhelm me. They are a bittersweet mix of joy and sadness. Mourning, if you will, for not having felt genuine tenderness enough to know how to deal with it.
Feeling for real, and expressing how I feel, is still so foreign that I don’t trust it. I grew up thinking that if I let people know my true self, somehow they would get the upper hand, which everyone already seemed to have anyway. I have been told that this is common for children of alcoholics. There were no emotions expressed – everything real was repressed and avoided. That’s how I got so good at covering up my stuttering.
So this tug-of-war with feelings is vexing me now. It is not as easy to hide anymore. As I heal and continue uncovering and exposing my true self, people are coming in. I have been so used to holding people and feelings at arm’s length, that usually I don’t even notice I am doing it.
Maybe I can have that glorious feeling of careening freedom again, right smack into life instead of down a slide on my butt on a burlap sack . Maybe I will figure out how to avoid the rope burns. Or maybe I’ll just figure out how to stop pulling so hard.
Bi-bi-bi-bi-bi-binary!
Posted on: December 1, 2010
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I had a big outreach presentation yesterday at one of my local high schools. I am beginning to know my material by heart and can give this talk almost effortlessly. I felt especially good because it was a morning presentation and I had more time alloted than usual. So I did not feel pressured or rushed, as I do sometimes. And I even had a remote for my multi- media presentation (a must with kids!) and found myself walking around the room with ease while talking.
I try to involve the kids in the presentations, by asking questions that I know someone will know the answer to. Trust me! This is vital self-preservation when public speaking. While waiting for someone to respond, it gives me a chance to take a sip of water. You should drink lots of water when talking for a while!
When I started talking about our Information Technology program towards the end, I could see some of the kids looked bored. I asked how many of them had studied a different language. Almost every hand shot up, and they yelled out, “Spanish, French and Japanese”. I asked if anyone knew what computer language was. No one knew. I would just tell them. Nope, not that simple today.
Computers are machines that only understand binary language – the numbers zero and one. Those numbers can be translated into something that us humans can see, read and understand.
I had the biggest block on the word binary. It just wasn’t coming. It came out “bi-bi-bi-bi-bi-bi-NARY”. When I finally got past the “bi”, I pushed “nary” out so hard I was almost out of breath. That almost never happens. In that split second, my mind raced for another word for binary. I couldn’t come up with one – I’m glad I didn’t, but my natural instinct was to try. I also remember my eye squeezing shut as I pushed “nary” out and then I kind of looked around, and the weirdest thing . . . no one seemed to even notice.
I had been in that “lost place” for those milliseconds, which seemed forever, as I pushed the word out . . . and no one even knew I had “gone anywhere” or what had even had happened.
I took a swig of water, paused and finished the presentation. What else could I do? Just let it happen and move forward, right? Right!
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I was doing some cleaning up and ran across this printed piece that a student gave me years ago. She had told me that she was a really good “excuse maker”. As I read this over and reflected back (I was covert then about my stuttering), I think, “so was I “. But not ready to admit it.
I read this today and realize that I still make excuses. We all do. Take a look!
I was thinking about it but . . . I was going to but . . . I want to but . . . I wish I could but . . . These are the excuses we give for sitting on our butts. We tell ourselves we are waiting for something to happen. We tell ourselves something is missing. We tell other people we will do it, whatever it may be, but we never do. If you think what you need is not there, find it. If you cannot find it, make it. If you cannot make it, find someone who can. If you do not have the money to pay them to make it, get it done on credit. If you have no one to borrow from, ask someone else to borrow it for you. If you do not have credit, get some. If you cannot get credit, go out and do something that someone will pay will pay you for so you can pay for what you need. There are not “buts” so big they cannot be moved. Once you move the “butt”, everything else will follow.
Hmmm . . . I recall this student being 17 or 18 at the time. I thought she was so insightful for her age, having that and sharing it with an adult. Funny how its one of the things I saved and that I just happened upon today while in a reflective mood.
We cannot keep waiting for things to happen. We have to make them happen, or life will pass us by. Right? What is passing you by?
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I have written about friends who stutter here before. I have many friends whose names begin with J, so if you are reading this and think its you, you’re probably right!
J and I hung out the other night. It’s good to spend time with friends who stutter. We can let our guard down, stutter freely and sometimes, offer candid feedback to each other about stuttering moments. Not always a good idea with non-stuttering friends.
I went to his place and we talked for a while before leaving to see a play. We weren’t sure where to park when we got there, so I called and asked for directions. No problem making the call and stuttering a bit during the brief conversation. I stutter more on the phone, like many of us who stutter.
J then decided he wanted to make sure the play was not going to be too “somber and depressing” for a Thursday night, (he wanted to be entertained) so he called them back. He said he would “practice his speech on the phone”, as that is when he stutters the most too.
As soon as he started talking, he started to tense up, lean forward and block. Immediately, he stood, turned his back to me and walked away as he tried to push the first word out and then move into conversation. This really surprised me. He has never reacted like this, at least around me.
Of course, I have not seen him make many calls. When he calls me on the phone, I can’t see him, only hear, and he is very comfortable with me. I rarely hear him stutter over the phone.
When he finished his call, I mentioned this. I offered that it looked like he did not want me to see his struggle. He said he always does that on the phone. He tenses, leans forward and blocks and that he needs to stand and walk to help him move through the block.
I quietly wondered aloud if he was also uncomfortable with having me actually “see” this struggle. I asked him if he was ashamed of that, and he simply said “maybe”.
We talked about it a little more a couple of days later, and he said it’s not really shame. He said that when he gets in a block, he can’t think. He is so focused on the block that he can’t think. He says anyone around him is a distraction, and that I was a distraction, that’s why he had to move, so he could think.
His blocks are silent blocks, that over the phone I am not going to hear. There is no audible stuttering. Watching him initiate a phone call really allowed me to see the physical tension he has.
It was good that we talked about it. I suggested that if he allows himself to struggle in front of people he trusts, he can desensitize himself when it really happens making calls at work. And I further offered that he is not always going to be able to move away from distractions, and that maybe he needs to think of a way to work with this.
I remember when we recently listened to one of my podcast episodes together. When he heard me stutter on a “p” sound, which I always do, I felt embarrassed having him hear it. I commented “I hate when I do that.” He said it doesn’t bother him and asked, “Why are you so hard on yourself?” I simply said, “I don’t know.”
Yes, it’s always good to talk about our stuttering with someone else who stutters.
Fluent Talk on Stuttering
Posted on: November 17, 2010
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A friend of mine, Burt, pointed me to this great video he found. Thanks Burt! A guy who stutters explains what stuttering is and how it impacts his everyday life. It is a great illustration of how to raise awareness of stuttering, as well as an example of his good graphic work on the video.
He also describes this talk he did as an “Ignite Talk”, which I have heard of before, being familiar with Toastmasters. It is a fresh and fast way to deliver a presentation that only allows 15 seconds per slide. This forces the speaker to be short and concise in what he or she is delivering and keeps the listeners involved, as the talk moves swiftly along with the slides.
Credit for this video goes to John Moore, of Brand Autopsy. He has a comment section set up on his blog if you want to leave him specific comments. This is a terrific piece for all people to see, both those who stutter and those who want to learn more about stuttering.
About Colors
Posted on: November 16, 2010
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I had the chance to see the Tyler Perry directed movie “For Colored Girls” on its opening weekend. It is the film version of a play written by Ntozake Shange called, For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf. It ran on Broadway in the 70’s.
I had heard that it was a dramatic swing from the usual comedy of Tyler Perry, of “Madea” and” Diary of a Mad Black Woman” fame. I like message movies and the stellar cast promised brilliance, which did not disappoint.
It was a stunning movie – so much so that I wished I had seen the theater version. Perry adapted the play so that the film told the story of seven black women each going through their own private hell. Their lives dramatically intersect, and we see glimpses of joy and hope.
The stage version included what is called a “choreopoem”, the merging of about 20 poems which illustrates each woman’s story. Perry handled that masterfully in the film version, allowing the beauty of the poetry to help each woman speak her truth.
For that is what the movie was really about. I heard and read that some people thought it was just another “black movie” and that it was exclusively about the black female experience. I didn’t see it like that at all. What I saw and heard was the experience of person-hood from the perspective of women. So I did a little research.
The stage version had all of the characters represented as literal colors – there was the “Brown Lady”, the “Blue Lady”, the “Purple Lady”, etc. The authors original intent was to portray women in all the different colors of our lives, not necessarily just as “women of color”. The reference to “For Colored Girls” doesn’t mean just skin color – it is much more than that.
One reviewer of the film, (see full article here) writing about how Perry adapted the stage version and got it right, says, “It has to do with mood, heart, spirit, experience, emotion, and expression — our standing or the lack thereof. I think when we understand women correctly, society changes. When women understand ourselves correctly, we change society”.
I found this perspective, and the movie, to be so very insightful about women in general. Regular readers of this blog know that I am a woman who stutters. I started a podcast for women who stutter to tell their stories, and share their truths, and to recognize the value of just that, having a space to share.
All of us need to understand and be understood. This applies to both men and women, of course. Women have always had less space, less voice, and we need to seize the opportunities we can to tell our stories. The more we share our truths, whatever those truths are, the more we understand and help each other.
The more we talk about whatever it is that we previously felt only shame, guilt, fear or failure, the easier it gets to make it just a part of our truth and who we are.
That’s what this movie did for me. It reminded me that we are unique and complex. Our lives are fabrics weaved from our emotions, experiences and expressions. No matter what issue we have that makes us feel flawed, we need to express ourselves and our truth. Only then can we have an understanding of all of the “colors” of our lives.
If stuttering had been one of the colors in the stage version, I think I would have liked it to be “The Color Green”, representing harmony and peace.
Eating Lightbulbs
Posted on: November 9, 2010
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Have you ever dealt with painful stuff that you just hoped would go away if you just ignored it? I used to be an expert at it – trying to push pain away, hoping it would just disappear. But sadly, it doesn’t work like that. We have to feel it if we are ever to move past it.
Part of the reason I was so good at being a covert stutterer was that I had learned from a very early age how to pretend everything was OK when it really wasn’t. How it felt to stutter, to struggle, to feel different, to not be able to talk about things.
The same with the childhood stuff. Covering up my mother’s alcoholism, my father’s abuse, and his crazy religious ideas, and not being able to talk about any of that, ever. Everything was covert, not just the stuttering.
I had myself convinced for a long time that if I just pushed the painful stuff away and denied it, that it never really existed. But it never went away, it just stayed buried in a deep down place. Lately its been surprising me by exploding all over, much like a dormant volcano when ready to erupt.
Funny how these things happen. You begin to work on one thing and you find yourself dealing with everything else. Opening Pandora’s box about stuttering has allowed an opening for the other stuff to seep out. I can’t process how I felt about hiding my stuttering all those years without also talking about how it felt to hide the other stuff too.
I had myself convinced that not feeling, being numb, was safer, easier somehow. I did not want to feel yesterday’s pain anymore. But what I have learned is this: in order to heal and keep moving forward, I have to feel those painful moments and give voice to those painful memories. I have done well with facing my fears and shame about stuttering, by talking about it and being open, not hiding any more.
Now I have to do the same thing with the other stuff, in order to continue my healing and rid myself of guilt. Maybe I really am on the path to forgiveness. Then I won’t have to be so uncomfortable with feelings anymore. Because that’s what most of my journey has been about – being numb and not dealing with feelings.
J has been helping me with this. As we go deeper and deeper into that inner space of mine, the feelings are coming up. I have been really angry at my parents for a long time, and sad for that little girl that I still identify with, who was lonely and scared and confused.
When these feelings surface, and they have more and more lately, J pushes me to identify what I feel. I used to just swallow the feeling, push it down, but now I am letting myself feel, even when it causes real pain.
I talked with friend Jill recently and we shared some deep stuff. She used the phrase “eating light bulbs”. I knew exactly what she meant. Every time I feel the wave of sadness or anger or guilt come up, I feel like I am swallowing shards of a light bulb or a Christmas ornament that was dropped.
Tiny, jagged pieces of glass ripping at my throat and insides as I swallow. It hurts. But it hurt way back then too and I need to acknowledge it. Maybe that’s what I am learning here – how to eat light bulbs the right way.
On Fatigue
Posted on: November 3, 2010
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How does fatigue affect your stuttering? For me, I can almost predict that my smooth speech will “fall apart” towards the end of a long speaking event. I hate that phrase “falling apart”, but that is exactly what it feels like when I am tired and still need to press on.
I had a bunch of presentations to do yesterday, three in the morning and two in the afternoon. I do not specifically practice any techniques, but when speaking for a long time, I do tend to be more aware of my pace, try to pause more and use vocal variety (Toastmasters strategies). I also drink a lot of water.
As I tire, I can feel my speech change, despite paying attention to what I need to do to feel comfortable. I lose the energy needed to project my voice, which helps me maintain what I consider my “comfortable speech”. The change happens noticeably – I have more repetitions, which when I notice and “feel”, I then lose my train of thought and start word finding.
It’s really not that big of a deal, because no one seems to notice but me. But I notice that I am noticing, as funny as that sounds, and I just don’t like being so aware of how my speech breaks down.
I stutter more when I am tired. Nothing profound, but I really notice it. What about you?
Stuttering Is Like Walking Naked
Posted on: October 27, 2010
I had to smile when my friend Bob W used the phrase “walking naked in a fluent parade.” Bob and I are both in Toastmasters and have participated in Toastmaster Demo meetings at the annual National Stuttering Association (NSA) conferences. We also both contribute to the covert-s email group. There has been a lot of lively discussions there recently.
I had mentioned on the covert list that I had recently competed in my first ever Toastmasters contest. What an emotional roller-coaster that was! Bob commented that anytime a person who stutters speaks publicly at a Toastmasters event, it is like walking naked in a fluent parade.
The imagery of Bob’s simple statement grabbed me right away. I knew exactly what he was talking about, because Toastmasters is all about public speaking and communication, and when you stutter and risk letting your stutter out, you expose yourself.
I immediately visualized walking down a street in my birthday suit with all these other people clad in business suits. Yes, I would stick out, and everybody would notice.
That was the very reason why I would not compete in a Toastmasters contest for my first four years. I was afraid to stutter publicly in front of fluent people. Plus, I was afraid I couldn’t stay within the stringent time frames of Toastmaster competitions.
Well, through my journey with self-discovery, I realized how silly that was. I was only afraid of me. I wanted to see if I could do it – if I could compete with some of the best speakers in my Toastmaster area. So I did.
On October 18, I competed in the Division F-6 Speech Evaluation Contest. I did fine. I got up in front of an audience I didn’t know, and gave an evaluation of a speaker’s speech I had never heard before. And I stayed within time.
I was nervous and my heart was pounding so loud I was convinced everybody could hear it. Like in Edgar Allen Poe’s classic, “The Tell Tale Heart”. But of course, I was the only one who heard it. And I am sure I am the only one who heard my stuttering.
Did I win? No. Was I devastated? No. Was I glad I did it? You bet!
It was a good experience and helped me cross off another item on my list titled “I can’t do this because I stutter”.
Sure, stuttering publicly around others who don’t stutter can feel like we are naked in a crowd. It can feel scary and lonely and very vulnerable.
But it is also kind of special! Why? Because we are unique. We make an impact every time we find the courage to do something that we had been afraid to do.
In the words of my good friend Joe K, “stutter naked”. Chances are you are the only one who feels naked!
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I was honored to get an email from a reader of the Covert-S email group asking permission to share the article I wrote about kids who stutter on her blog. Liana shared that she does not stutter, but has friends who do, so she subscribes to several of the stuttering lists to learn more about stuttering.
How great is that? She wants to understand more about stuttering so she can better support her friends. So she asked me if she could re-post my story on her blog – Liana’s Place – A Blog About Life, Lies, Laughter and Love. Of course, I gave permission. Great to have more potential readers. And greater that she asked for permission. Lots of people on the internet just pilfer other people’s content without permission nor do they give credit.
Of course, I checked out Liana’s blog, and found it to be a wonderful place. Liana is a published author who has won awards for her romance novels. But she does more important work by writing and blogging the story of a friend’s faith journey.
She writes weekly about her friend Louis. He was a covert stutterer for a long time, but now stutters openly. Liana shared with me that my published story reminded her of things that Louis had shared with her about his stuttering. Liana’s writes on Fridays about Louis and gratitude and inspiration.
I am honored to be featured as a guest on Liana’s blog today, Sunday October 24, 2010. Talking about stuttering anywhere gets the word out and raises awareness. Thanks Liana and please say hello to your friend Louis for me!
Addendum: I have included some comments that I received directly from readers of the TU article, and also some comments from Liana’s blog, from readers who don’t stutter (with her permission of course).
Trying To Fix You
Posted on: October 18, 2010
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I have been face book friends since the summer with Elissa, a brilliant writer. Elissa wrote a heart-tugging essay about her young daughter Charlotte’s stuttering. I linked to this essay before. Check out “Fighting Words” if you missed it.
Recently, Elissa posted a link to the song “Fix You” by Cold Play that played at a party she was at for really sick kids. She wondered if the song had just been coincidence. Elissa recalled how fervently her brother and his colleagues had tried to “fix” a young patient 7 years earlier.
For some reason, I commented on Elissa’s post that the song “Fix You” reminded me of the stuttering journey. We then shared this exchange, which really touched me. We have not met, yet we both spoke from a similar place.
She, the parent of a young child who stutters, anxious to make the right decision for her daughter. And me, an adult who stutters, who is still affected by my parents’ choices years ago about my stuttering.
Me: This song so reminds me of the stuttering journey. I met a family 2 years ago. Both sons stutter. The dad is a surgeon who for years thought he had failed as a parent, because as a surgeon, he is so used to fixing his patients. He could not fix his sons and it haunted him. Finally, he (they) reached a point where he knows he does not need to fix his kids . . . they are perfect just the way they are.
When I see this family, I am reminded of how I felt for a long time that I needed to be fixed. Now, when I see them, I hug mom and we watch her children laugh and play and enjoy life . . . And we know, that not needing fixing is the real prize. Thanks for sharing the story about the sick kids and the song.
Elissa: I’m so glad you wrote! I don’t know if you saw my post of last week, where I was struggling with exactly this question: wanting to get speech therapy for Charlotte because she is in so much distress, …yet not wanting to send her the message that she needs to be fixed. In some unspoken way, I believe my brother chose not to spend a tremendous amount of his precious energy on the attempt to fix his stuttering.
I truly understand and honor that choice. She’s far too young to make or even understand that kind of choice, though. I’m in the wildly uncomfortable position of needing to make it for her. The hardest parenting moments for me have been ones in which every course of action is a potential betrayal. I’m tempted to ask you what you would do if she were your child. No one person can tell me what to do, but I really welcome all the perspectives I can get.
Me: Well, you didn’t officially ask, but I will share my opinion anyway! I grew up thinking the awful thought that my father was ashamed of me. When I stuttered, he would yell at me, or tell me to “stop that”. In my 5-year-old mind, which I can still remember, getting negative feedback from my dad was the worst thing imaginable. I thought, “was I so horrible that even my own father was ashamed?” I learned years later that my mom felt incredible guilt for not standing up to my dad and insisting that I be allowed to get some help, because he wouldn’t allow it.
Needless to say, I had a hard time with my self-image and expressing feelings as a child. What would I do for Charlotte? Its different, because I stutter and you don’t. I would try to set an example for her that it is OK and that stuttering is just a different way of talking. You can’t model that for her, but maybe you can have her meet other kids who stutter, and get as comfortable with stuttering as possible so that her struggle behavior naturally decreases. I have no idea how I would have reacted to therapy as a kid, but it would have made a huge difference to meet and know others like me. Your heart will guide you for what is best for Charlotte.
Elissa: Thank you. My God, I can’t help feeling enraged at your father for his response to you as a child. Not that my rage is of any use to you now, but… if I picture Charlotte hearing those words, my heart could just crack in half. I’m …so sorry that your formative years were spent in that situation. I will definitely be attending the Friends events from now on… this past year was a little too soon, I felt, and that’s unfortunate, especially since the convention was in Chicago! My brother’s city! I know that he almost went himself.
This might sound completely messed up, but Charlotte’s lovely and wonderful teacher let me know that two other kids in her class have severe speech impediments also, and God help me, I was ecstatic to hear that.
Me: Your response does not sound messed up at all – we need others to be like us so we feel some normalcy.
What do you think? What would you have told Elissa? She welcomes all the perspectives she can get.
Craig Shares: Fight or Flight?
Posted on: October 11, 2010
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This post is written by guest blogger Craig Stevenson. Craig and I “met” through the on-line support group Covert-S. His comments appeared on a threaded discussion last week, and I loved his insight and honesty and asked him to share his piece here. Craig is from Idaho and manages two recycling plants.
To me, the old saying, “you can run but you can’t hide”, may be true, but serves no purpose. I think managing stuttering is different for men than women. I went to school with the same kids for ten years. I got teased in school all the time. One kid in Earth Science class teased me so much we finally fought it out. I had been afraid of him for years. My first punch bloodied his nose and the fight was over just that fast, and he never teased me again.
There were many more fights, some I lost, some I won. I got in a lot of trouble for some! I do not condone or recommend violence as a solution to managing stuttering, but gently to suggest boys will be boys and sometimes without any other support, fighting happens. I know there are different ways of facing our stutter.
The worst part for me was getting in a shoving match between first and second periods and agreeing to settle it after school and having to go through the rest of the day thinking and worrying about what the outcome would be. Not wanting to get in trouble for fighting, we always did it after school, thinking no one would notice a black eye the next day.
For me, I learned a fight is a fight and a cousin taught me that in a fight, if you don’t throw the first punch you’ve missed half the fight. I think what he was trying to say was “meet it head on right then and there.” I never started a fight and I never ran from one either and whether I took a beating or gave one, I always felt better after. I almost always cried whether I won or lost, and I can’t remember anyone I did not become fast friends with after.
I think at some point in your life you have to make friends with your stutter. Every time you run from it, it wins. I think the way you make friends with your stuttering is to meet it head on. Some days it kicks your butt and some days you kick its butt, right? It doesn’t really matter who wins as much as knowing the fight is essential.
To put it bluntly, I would rather be dead then spend the rest of my waking moments, days and years, wondering about when I was going to die. I spent my youth hiding and I regret every day I did. The “wait till your father gets home” was much worse than what father did when he did get home. I think waiting and hoping we don’t stutter is so much worse and painful than the stutter itself is, and the really sad part is, we do it to ourselves.
Some days you’re the windshield and some days you’re the bug. But, you have to keep the windshield clean if you want to miss more bugs. I got an old green tea-shirt from a past NSA convention from Judy Kuster. It’s dark green and on the front in big white letters it say’s “I STUTTER SO WHAT?” You don’t have to wear it (although it’s a great idea), but I think it does say the right thing about how we should FEEL about our stutter.
Don’t waste time trying not to stutter! Don’t feel bad or afraid of it when you do meet stuttering head on. For me, learning how to control my fear of stuttering did more for me than trying to stop the stutter.
Please feel free to leave any messages or comments for Craig here. Thanks for sharing with us Craig!
“G” Is For Guilt
Posted on: October 4, 2010
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There is a thought-provoking article on this year’s ISAD conference about chronic sorrow. It is a personal story written by Scott Palasik. He shares how he found out that his parents, especially his mother, blamed themselves for his stuttering and carried around an enormous amount of guilt for many years.
I commented on Scott’s paper and we wound up sharing back and forth about how we had similar parent stories. I highly recommend you read Scott’s story – it resonated with me and I am sure it will with a lot of you.
I have written about guilt on here before, but not in the way that Scott’s poignant story reminded me. I know my mother has carried around a lot of guilt for many, many years. She has told me she feels tremendous guilt for what we dealt with as children. She is an alcoholic, and proudly in recovery now. She helps many, many people who have been touched by alcoholism.
She didn’t achieve sobriety until I was in my late teens. Childhood was chaotic, because mom drank all the time. We tried to act like everything was ok, but it wasn’t. My siblings and I covered for her all the time. Covertly, much like my stuttering became. My mother and I have had some conversations about the impact alcoholism had on all our lives, but those have been strained, quick, clipped.
But we have NEVER talked about stuttering. NEVER. The few times I have tried, she has always quickly changed the subject. I learned from a sister, or maybe even in a hurried conversation with my mother (I don’t remember), that she always felt guilty that she didn’t stand up to my father and insist that I be allowed to participate in speech therapy.
I have often wondered what a heart-felt conversation about stuttering would be like with one of my parents. Because I have never talked with my father about it either. I have always wanted to know what they thought. Were they confused? Did they know it was stuttering? Were they embarrassed? Were they ashamed? (Like I have thought!)
Was it easier for them to pretend there was nothing wrong? Did anyone ever talk to them about it? What did the relatives think? Why was it kept so hush-hush? Was it that bad?
Have any of you ever thought about any of this?
Giant in Chains
Posted on: September 30, 2010
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In a recent chat with friend “A”, about stuttering of course, we found ourselves talking about self-esteem. We both have felt shame and embarrassment at different times due to our stuttering. And we agree that feelings of shame is a reason people who stutter try to keep it hidden.
“A” wanted to know what things were like for me earlier in my journey, when I wasn’t as comfortable with myself as I am now! In my twenties and thirties I had a hard time with general acceptance because I didn’t like a lot of things about myself. One of those things was stuttering and I always thought it was the main reason why I had such a low opinion of myself. I referred to myself as having low self-esteem at the time.
“A” challenged me to think about this another way. He likened stuttering to being a “giant in chains”. He described having felt unable to achieve his full potential because stuttering held him back.
So he wondered if stuttering resulted in low self-esteem or just an inability to realize our potential because we let the stuttering get in the way. “A” said he felt like a giant with so much potential inside him, that went untapped, because he wasn’t able to communicate the way he wanted.
I think a lot of my potential went unrealized. I let stuttering make decisions for me back then. I always wanted to be a teacher. But I let stuttering, or more correctly, my fear of stuttering, make me steer clear of that. I settled for a career that I thought would involve less talking. (Which of course turned out completely wrong!)
I also settled for a relationship that was never truly right for me. I had such a fear that no one would ever love me. And my stuttering was such a part of that.
I wonder . . . can you relate to this? Did you ever feel you had poor self-esteem when it was actually unrealized potential? And have you let stuttering make decisions for you that you would completely choose differently if given a second chance?
If given a second chance, I would definitely have pursued becoming a teacher and I would not have stayed so long with someone who was not right for me, in all the important ways!
Make Room For The Stuttering 
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