If you are involved with Toastmasters, then you are very familiar with something we call the “Ah Counter.” At every meeting, people take on different roles, to provide structure and feedback. The timer lets us know how much time we have left, to encourage us to keep within limits. The Grammarian suggests we try to use a new word, to build our vocabulary. An Evaluator offers encouraging feedback for a member who has delivered a prepared speech. The Ah Counter counts the number of times members use filler words such as “uhm”, “ah”, “like”, “ya know”, to encourage us to be aware that we are doing this and to try and insert a pause for effect rather than use these filler words.

Most people do this rather unconsciously and it is useful to have it pointed out, so that we have more articulate and meaningful speech. But what about the person who stutters who may use fillers like “uhm” and “ah” as a running start to get past difficult words? I realize that sometimes I do that, and its part of my stuttering pattern. By initiating with an “uhm” or “ah”, somehow I think I am fooling my brain into not getting stuck on a particular word. And it works. It’s almost like sliding into the word. Wow! I have never admitted to myself or others that I do this!

But it’s sort of a conundrum in Toastmasters. I am able to get certain words out more easily, but to the Toastmaster listeners, I am using the dreaded filler words. I realized that I was doing that about a year ago, when I got gentle feedback to “be more aware of my use of  the”ah” phrase.” My first defensive reaction, to my myself, (ha, ha) was, “well, of course they’re going to say that – they don’t understand stuttering.” But I didn’t say anything, because I didn’t want to sound defensive and I DIDN’T WANT IT TO SOUND LIKE I WAS LOOKING FOR AN EXCEPTION! But I did start paying attention more to myself and try to listen for any of my filler words.

I got similiar feedback last week!  I had almost no use of “uhm”  or “ah”, but instead apparently used “and” as my filler to slide into certain words. At my Advanced Toastmaster Club, they don’t hold back and give honest feedback. No fluff! If you can’t take it, you shouldn’t be attending advance meetings. The first time I heard such really honest feedback, I remember thinking: “Wow, this is different. Not as warm, fuzzy and encouraging as my Toastmasters home club.”  I wasn’t sure if I was really ready to hear anything that might relate to my stuttering.

Well, no one ever tied my use of filler words with my stuttering. They were just evaluating me as they do everyone else, which is exactly what I wanted. The only one who had a problem with it was me – internally. I wanted to explain – “Hey, I’m not using filler words. I’m stuttering!” But it didn’t make sense to do that – I saw it as using my stuttering as an excuse and I didn’t want to do that.

I have been more aware of my use of “uhm” as a slide into a word I fear I will stutter on. That’s actually a big insight for me. I have listened more to myself when I speak and try to insert a pause or even take a breath before a word I think I might stutter or block on. So I am using less of the Uhm and Ah, and am now using “and” instead. Geez!  Ok, I’ll take that. Because I have learned from the experience. My stuttering is actually teaching me something and I am being open to it!

Have any of you had a similiar experience? Even if you don’t stutter? How does it feel to get very honest feedback from others?