Posts Tagged ‘covert stuttering’
If You Only Knew – Episode 68
Posted on: September 26, 2011
Episode 68 features Lisa Bennett, who hails from Wichita, Kansas. Lisa is 29 years old and graduated from Wichita State University in 2010. She is currently in her Clinical Fellowship Year as a SLP in the Emporia-area. She works in the public school coop there.
Lisa and I had “met” online through one of the stuttering email chat groups several years ago. We met in person at the 2009 NSA conference in Scottsdale, AZ. I didn’t realize that Lisa had attended the first workshop I ever did at NSA, back in 2008 in New Jersey.
Lisa mentions that she remembers some things I had said during that workshop, “Letting It All Hang Out: Being REAL With Our Stuttering.” My friend Mary and I had co-facilitated that workshop, which examined some parallels between The Velveteen Rabbit and stuttering. Needless to say, I was thrilled to learn that it had an impact on Lisa.
Listen in as we discuss covert stuttering and how Lisa landed in the job that she thought most unlikely – working as a SLP in the schools. We also discuss how stuttering can dictate decision-making, speech therapy experiences, authenticity and acceptance.
Lisa shares a major insight with us – which I just loved. She says towards the end of our conversation, “I don’t hate stuttering anymore.”
Lisa was nervous during this conversation, and I assured her she had no reason to be! Please, leave feedback for Lisa and let her know what a great job she did. Feedback is a gift.
Music used in this episode is credited to ccMixter.
Episode 67 features Georgia Stephens, who hails from Minneapolis, Minnesota. Georgia had a career as a choreographer, writer and dance performer for about 30 years.
She is currently enrolled in the Master’s degree program at St Mary’s University, studying Counseling Psychology.
Georgia is interested in perhaps using dance to help people who stutter, and hopes to combine traditional talk therapy with dance therapy.
Georgia shares how she came to experience that most people think that we can only communicate using words. She realized that is not true, that we can also communicate through dance and movement.
Listen in to a fascinating conversation about dance and movement, covert stuttering, blocking, and the energy we use when trying not to stutter. We also discuss beating ourselves up, shame, disclosure, and support.
The podcast safe music used in this clip is credited to ccMixter. Please be sure to leave comments for Georgia or just let her know what a great job she did! Feedback is a gift!
Safe But Scary – Episode 66
Posted on: September 8, 2011
Episode 66 features Jennifer, who hails from Kingston, Ontario, Canada. Jennifer is in Kingston while attending school pursuing her graduate degree in engineering physics.
Her long-term goal is to work in research and development to be a part of the next great technology advances.
Jennifer and I first “met” via one of the stuttering email groups. She took the plunge to start sharing on the covert-S group. It turns out Jennifer also attended her first National Stuttering Association (NSA) conference in Ft. Worth, Texas this past summer. We met very, very briefly and shook hands!
Jennifer and I discuss her career path and our shared interest in technology, particularly women in science, before we really get into stuttering!
We talk about how Jennifer first made the decision to make some changes in her life, and how important it was for her to hear other people who stutter, when she first found stuttering podcasts.
She also mentions how cool it was to meet Elaine and Patrice, who she had listened to on earlier podcasts.
We also discuss disclosure, advertising, moments of regret and her “border crossing” story!
Credit for the podcast safe music used in this episode goes to ccMixter. Feel free to leave comments for Jennifer or just let her know what a great job she did. Feedback is a gift.
Their First NSA Conference
Posted on: July 27, 2011
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My Flip digital recorder was a great tool to have with me at the 2011 NSA Conference. When I realized that first-timers had been asked to sum up their experiences at the closing ceremonies, I pressed the record button.
It is so empowering to hear people express how moving and significant it is to participate in the stuttering community for the first time. Both Katie and Dustin indeed did that – they both helped to facilitate workshops too! I could not have done that at my first conference!
Listen and watch as Katie and Dustin sum up their conference experiences, in their own words and their own voices. They have made room for the stuttering. Have you?
(I did receive permission from both Katie and Dustin to post this clip on the blog, in case you’re wondering!)
Please leave comments here for either or both, so everyone who tunes in to this blog can see them. Not everyone hangs out on Facebook!
How Do You Bring It Up?
Posted on: June 22, 2011
There has been some great dialogue going on over at the Covert-S email group about telling people that you are going to a stuttering conference. As in, what do you say? How do you bring it up? Now, you would think, what’s the big deal? Just tell people, right?
Wrong, if you are a covert stutterer. People who stutter covertly work very hard at making sure no one in their world knows they stutter. And that takes a lot of energy, effort and deception. Or, if you stutter openly, you may just not want people to know that you are going to spend time and money to be around a bunch of other people who stutter.
That was me for a very long time. I was covert. I used tricks, word substitution and avoidance to expertly hide the fact that I stuttered to most people. Problem was, not only was I hiding the stuttering, I was also hiding myself. To the point that I couldn’t take it anymore and finally stopped trying so hard to hide stuttering. That’s when my life changed.
When I went to my first stuttering conference, there wasn’t many people I told. Not because I was embarrassed or fearful of how people would react. At the time, I was unemployed. I had just been fired from my job in May and was going to my first stuttering conference in June.
I didn’t have co-workers to tell where I was going and why. I didn’t have people asking me when I returned if I had a good time. Maybe that’s how I was supposed to attend my first conference. The NSA provided financial assistance that covered my registration and room, and my mother and her husband used their frequent flier miles to purchase my air fare.
Since that first conference in 2006, I have been to 4 subsequent NSA conferences and 3 FRIENDS conventions. When people at work ask where I am going, I tell them. If they ask for details, I go on and on about it. If they don’t, I don’t.
These days, people know I stutter, but don’t necessarily want to know all the details. And that’s fine. What is important is that I am OK with what I am doing and where I am going.
Now, back to the question. How do you bring up the fact that you are attending a stuttering conference to the people who you never have told that you stutter? Some folks have shared that they are afraid to tell even their families, and have told people they are going on a work-related trip. They tell work friends they are going on a family vacation.
One person even shared that she has to be sure to tell the same lie to person A and to person B, so that she does not get embarrassingly caught up in a web of lies.
One person suggested that someone might pick two people to tell before hand, so that when she returned from the conference, she would have people to tell all about it, who wouldn’t seem puzzled or confused, because they would already know. I chimed in that this “two person goal” could also be used AT the conference.
I suggest that a first-timer to a stuttering conference set a goal to meet at least 2 new people each day, so that by the end of the conference you have made at least 8-10 new connections. People that you can talk with throughout the year who understand. And who can offer you support.
I did that at my third conference. I made it a personal goal to meet and really get to know at least 10 new people. I succeeded! Now I know lots of people in the stuttering community and lots of people know me.
How did I do it? Simple – I went up and introduced myself to people who had “first-timer” on their name tag. It was really easy for me. All I had to do was remember how nervous, alone, and intimidated I felt at my first conference. Now I am paying it forward.
But it’s not that easy for everyone. Especially if YOU are the first-timer! It can be very intimidating when you are used to hiding to suddenly be assertive and confident and walk up to strangers and introduce yourself.
But what better place, right? A stuttering conference is safe – because you are meeting people just like you. The real challenge is how you deal with it the rest of the year. What you tell people before you go, and when you return home (sometimes on cloud 9, on that “high” you get from being in an environment where for once, you are not the minority.)
My good friend Joe Klein and I are co-facilitating a workshop on this very topic at the NSA conference next month. So this thread on the covert-S list has given me good insights and reminded me of how I felt at my first conference. It can be scary and overwhelming!
What do you think? How do you bring it up with others that you don’t ordinarily talk to about stuttering? What thoughts might you offer to those who are worrying about explaining an “un-talked about” absence?
I Really Do Stutter – Episode 58
Posted on: June 10, 2011
Episode 58 features Sarah Bell from Garland, Texas, outside of Dallas. Sarah is a full-time mom to 20-month-old Ethan. She is studying a medical transcription class on-line, which she will complete in December. Sarah hopes to continue working from home, to be right there with Ethan!
Sarah and I first met at the NSA Conference in New Jersey in 2008. I recall being so impressed with Sarah sharing her story at the “Covert, Exposed” panel workshop. We were guests together in September 2008 on the Stuttertalk episode Pam and Sarah: Covert Stuttering (Episode 63).
Sarah shares her experience of being extremely covert, and wanting to be more open, but continually struggling with it. She talks about her childhood and why she tried to hide her stuttering.
She ponders the question of “fit” in the stuttering community. People who do not stutter or stutter overtly probably never consider this!
Sarah shares her self-help experiences, and recalls her first meeting of the Dallas NSA Chapter where she met Russ Hicks, who stutters differently than she does. We discuss the gamut of feelings one can have when meeting someone else who stutters for the first time. That “aha” moment of, “wow, I’m not the only one!”
Listen in as we discuss covert stuttering, denial, self-esteem and fear. We also discuss how important it is to not beat ourselves up when we go backwards and the need to be kind to ourselves. And worrying about whether Ethan might stutter as he begins talking.
The music clip “Gently” is credited to DanoSongs. Feel free to leave comments for Sarah and let her know what a great job she did! Feedback is a gift!
She Says So What! – Episode 56
Posted on: May 20, 2011
Episode 56 features Chloe Barnes, who hails from Northamptonshire, England. Chloe will soon be 20 years old, and is in her second year of University at Brighton, where she is studying to be a primary teacher.
Chloe and I were introduced by Perla Ernest, whom we met in Episode 45. Chloe identifies her stuttering as covert, appearing mostly when she is stressed or under pressure. She did not pursue therapy until two years ago, when she decided to try the McGuire program before heading to university.
Chloe has a wonderful sense of confidence and does not take herself too seriously. She also has a delightful sense of humor and engaging laugh, which you will hear many times throughout our conversation!
Listen in as we discuss meeting other people who stutter for the first time, and how others who stutter can serve as a mirror for us. We also discuss active listening, and how stuttering can make us poor listeners and even a bit self-absorbed.
Chloe talks about the support and coaching of the McGuire program, as well as how she uses voluntary stuttering. We also discuss being proud of our differences and being happy with our unique self. Chloe shares about joining the Drama Society at University and her all time favorite character she portrayed on stage.
The podcast safe music clip “Gently” is credited to DanoSongs. Feel free to leave comments for Chloe or just let her know how inspired you were by her story. Remember, feedback is a gift.
It’s A “We” Thing – Episode 55
Posted on: May 11, 2011
Episode 55 features Shelby Potts, who hails from Raleigh, North Carolina. She is 19 years old and just finished her sophomore year at Appalachian State University, located in Boone, NC. Shelby is studying communication disorders and hopes to become a speech pathologist.
This episode also features Shelby’s mom, Mary Ann Potts. She teaches ballet and modern dance at the Dancer’s Studio. She is also the assistant director of the Concert Dancers of Raleigh, teaches preschool music and movement and leads a cardio-class. But Mary Ann tells us right away that first she is a mom.
I met Shelby just a few weeks ago when I visited Dr. Joseph Klein’s graduate fluency class at Appalachian State in Boone. Shelby joined the class that evening, because she wanted to meet me. Talk about flattering!
Listen in to a wonderful mother-daughter perspective on the stuttering journey. Shelby honestly shares what has and has not worked for her in therapy. Mom is just as poignantly honest as she shares how it feels being a parent who wants nothing more than to ease her child’s pain, and the hard lessons learned along the way.
We talk about acceptance, meeting other people who stutter for the first time and moving from hiding out to speaking publicly about stuttering.
Team Potts also talks about how FRIENDS has been life-changing, and the powerful realization that they are a “we”. Sharing this journey has impacted them both and left Shelby well equipped to handle life as a young woman who stutters.
The music used in this episode is credited to ccMixter. Feel free to leave comments for Shelby and her mom. Or just let them know what a great job they did. Feedback is a gift.
No Regrets
Posted on: May 5, 2011
I was looking through some old papers amidst some clutter that I keep saying I will get to and organize. I hate to throw anything away. I always think I will need it for something else. And I like to save things and reflect back occasionally on things I’ve done and people I’ve met.
I came across the outline and notes for the first workshop that I did at an NSA conference back in 2008. My friend Mary and I co-facilitated a presentation called “Being Real: Letting It All Hang Out”. It was based on the story of the Velveteen Rabbit and how he “became real” through the processes we all go through in life when we find ourselves.
In this workshop, we spoke about how we had both moved to places in our lives where we were ready to be real with our stuttering. We drew parallels from other areas of life where we felt it was OK to be genuine.
We discussed things like generosity, emotions and courage. It was a very moving presentation. Mary and I shared honestly from our hearts about our struggles, our covert journeys and the price we paid along the way for when we had hidden our true selves.
One of the other themes we discussed was also that “Real Is No Regrets”. We need to do the things we want and live our lives to the fullest. That includes even taking huge risks. It means never not doing the things we love so that we will never have to look back and say, “Damn, I wish I had done that”.
We know where “should haves” leave us. Feeling unfulfilled, feeling we missed out on opportunities, feeling like we don’t matter.
For a long time, I didn’t do things I really wanted to, because I didn’t feel I was worthy. Now, I seem to be making up for lost time. I don’t want to look back and regret that I didn’t do this or try that.
We shouldn’t let our past, our circumstances, or our stuttering keep us from getting wet when it rains.
Recently, I had two moments that really illustrate this. One involved me directly, the other involved a friend who told me about a challenge she confronted.
I had a hard time as a kid. One of the most influential people in my life was a high school teacher who really took an interest in me, and knew that things were hard at home. After high school, without fail, she sent me birthday and Christmas cards every year. I usually reciprocated.
Then life got in the way, and I stopped sending them to her. But her cards came faithfully, until a few years ago. My address changed and the forwarding ended before her annual card. I actually didn’t even notice.
Then last year, she crossed my mind several times, fondly. I remembered things she had said that encouraged me. And then I realized I had not received her annual card. I felt guilty, wishing I had stayed in touch.
I felt like I had somehow betrayed her for not reconnecting. I sent her a Christmas card and included my phone number and a note apologizing for drifting away. A card from her came a few weeks later, with her phone number and a note to call whenever I wanted so we could connect.
It took me four months to call her. I was afraid what she would think of me. I finally got up the nerve and we met for coffee this week. It was so wonderful. We both caught up, talked and shared. It made me wonder, “what was I so afraid of?” I’m guessing it was me!
I am so glad I called Eleanor. We promised to do it again soon. I will make sure it happens.
Last week, a friend emailed me to let me know she finally found the courage to have a tough conversation with her husband. Ann and I had been talking about her attending her first stuttering conference. She shared that she was afraid to ask her husband. I asked her why did she have to ask. Ann felt she didn’t deserve to spend money on something that would only benefit her.
She intimated that her fear of honestly letting her husband know how important something was to her brought her back to the days of when she was a child and felt intimidated by her parents. Ann had stifled her own needs for a long time, just like I had!
I was elated when Ann emailed me and told me she talked to her husband. It didn’t quite go as she hoped, but she had opened a door. A week later, she emailed me that she spoke with him again and that they had reached a compromise and they were going to go together. She only needed to register!
Ann emailed me again, saying her registration was accepted and she had reserved a room. I was so happy and proud of her. We will meet in person for the first time at the conference this summer. I am confident that Ann will not regret her decision. And that we will have a long and joyful hug!
Three Telephone Calls
Posted on: April 28, 2011
In early March, I had the opportunity to visit Milwaukee and talk about stuttering, something I rather enjoy doing. I stayed with Barb and her husband Chuck, and was treated like a rock-star. Barb is the NSA chapter leader in Milwaukee, and she had coordinated a workshop that was held at the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee.
There were about 100 people in attendance, including professional SLPs, students, adults who stutter and several parents of kids who stutter. I “told my story” for a little while and then a 5-person panel talked about their experiences and interacted with the audience. It was a very empowering experience for all involved.
Barb had been relentless about getting media coverage for the event, and a reporter from the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel wrote up a great piece about the event, which included contact information if people wanted to know more about the NSA. You can see the article here.
About a week after the article appeared, Barb contacted me to let me know she had received a phone call from 83-year-old Jane, who had seen the article and felt inspired to call Barb. She had never talked with anyone about her stuttering, ever. She had always kept it hidden, found ways around it, and thought she had not let it limit her.
But seeing the article triggered feelings for Jane and she was inspired to call Barb and talk openly about her stuttering. She did not want to publicly”come out of the closet” or attend a meeting – she just wanted to share her feelings with someone. She did agree that it would be OK for Barb to call her again, and that it would be nice if I called sometime too.
I called her a few days later, and Jane was cordial and pleasant, and told me a little bit of her story. She also said she had made a mistake, that it wasn’t good for her to open “Pandora’s box” after all these years, and that the memories were just too painful. She asked that I never call her again.
She also called Barb and left her a similar message. Jane had initially felt it might be OK to “reveal her secret”, but she changed her mind and asked that neither of us contact her again.
Case closed. It is what it is, and you respect a person’s decision. I was just glad that I had called her and heard about this.
A third phone call came. Barb emailed me on Easter Sunday evening to let me know Jane had called her late Easter afternoon to tell her this. On Easter Sunday morning, with her family gathered, Jane chose to tell her family that she has been a life-long stutterer. She wanted no discussion or feedback from her family, she just wanted to be honest and tell them.
Jane called Barb and told her what she had done. Jane said at 83-years old, she wanted to “get her life in order” and part of this included verbally acknowledging to her family that she stuttered. And even after stating she wanted no further contact with Barb, Jane called her.
After reading Barb’s email, I called her, and we talked. Both of us were profoundly moved by this chance encounter with a woman we never met named Jane.
We will probably never hear from Jane again, but we will not soon forget this story.
She Saw Her Sign – Episode 52
Posted on: April 18, 2011
Episode 52 features Marley Robertson, who hails from Winchester, Virginia. Marley is 23 years old and a recent graduate of Old Dominion University, with a degree in Human Services. She is applying to graduate programs for Fall 2011. She wants to pursue a Master’s degree in Divinity.
Marley has always been actively involved with her church, and has currently been working as a Youth Minister.
Listen in as Marley honestly shares her history of covert stuttering. We met on one of the stuttering listservs, where Marley shared that she really wanted to become more open and positive about her stuttering.
Marley shares about her recent therapy experience at the Hollins Communication Research Institute in Roanoke, Virginia, and about the fluency tools she learned there. She also talks about being open and honest about her stuttering with people she has always hid it from.
Marley only recently discovered her “calling” for Ministry and tells us how she knew. She also shares a great story that definitely signaled that she has made the right decisions in her life.
Credit for the podcast safe musical clip “Echoed” goes to ccMixter. Please feel free to leave comments for Marley, or just tell her what a great job she has done. This is the first time Marley has been public with her story.
Congratulations Marley for sharing and inspiring us!
Let It Be
Posted on: April 7, 2011
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I found myself responding to someone who was thinking out loud about stuttering. She said, “I just don’t get it.” I mused she probably was referring to, “Why is stuttering so unpredictable?”
The variability and complexity of how we sound, how we feel, how one day it’s one way and the next it is completely different is quite amazing. To me, anyway. There are some who will surely find ways to describe stuttering that does not include the adjective “amazing.”
For a long time, I tried to figure things out – why this, why that, why some people react one way, why others say dumb things, why sometimes I am like an open book, and other times, I find myself with heat on my face and my heart thumping. I stopped trying to figure it out.
It is so much easier to just let things be the way they are going to be. It sounds simplistic. Perhaps it may even seem to minimize the struggle of stuttering for some.
I have an embroidered framed art piece of one of my favorite sayings, “It Is What It Is”. I used to think that even thinking that about stuttering or my reaction was a “cop-out”. Some things are just going to happen and life will go on. I have determined that to be a fact.
No matter how hard I try to analyze or rationalize or convince myself otherwise, some days I am going to stutter a lot and feel tense, and some days I am going to hardly stutter at all.
I think sometimes its harder to just relax and let my natural self be. I had become so used to making excuses, rationalizing, over-thinking, obsessing about everything. It’s what I did, all of the time. That was when I considered myself very covert about my stuttering.
Now, to just relax and be, really BE, sometimes I have to remind myself of just that – that who I am is really OK. Screw everyone else who doesn’t think so.
Yes, this is hard to do in a (perceived) judgmental world, but I guess I just have reached the point where all the needless worrying about how I will sound or what someone will think is just not so important anymore.
Just like the song says, “Let It Be”.
The Outer Rim Of A Bowl-Episode 49
Posted on: March 14, 2011
Episode 49 features Hannah Laday, who hails from Central New Jersey. Hannah came out of the woods of rural Maine to attend a stuttering retreat, met and married George, and moved to New Jersey.
Hannah is the leader of the Central New Jersey NSA chapter. We got to know each other through NSA conferences, email, the covert support list and phone chats. Hannah also works as a direct support professional for women with developmental disabilities.
Hannah has had quite the journey. She literally moved out of the woods onto a road and began using a phone after a long time of not doing so. “Bottoming out” finally propelled her to make changes in her life.
She has pushed outside of her comfort zone many times. She “exposed” herself at the NSA Covert panel workshop and contributed a paper about covert stuttering to the 2010 ISAD online conference. Read and learn about “Lightening the Load of Covert Stuttering”.
Listen in to a robust dialogue with plenty of emotion. We talk about how and why we limit ourselves, being in groups but not really part of them, courage and change. The take away from this episode – never, ever think you don’t have a story that needs telling. We all need to be heard. Our stories are powerful!
Credit for the podcast safe musical clip “Echoed” goes to ccMixter. Be sure to leave comments. Feedback is a gift!
Episode 46 features Kay, who hails from West Africa. Kay is a lawyer currently working as counsel for a litigation firm. Kay spent many of her childhood years in France. French is her mother tongue.
We spoke with each other via Skype in early February, when Kay was in the US at the University of Minnesota. As of the posting of this episode, she is now back in West Africa.
We first met on the Covert-s email support group, where Kay was posting a lot and asking questions. I took a chance and emailed her off list. We got to know each other a bit and Kay quickly agreed to share her story to help others.
Kay shares some very personal glimpses into her life, including the effects of some early abuse. She also shares how she chose to become a lawyer, and how very hard it was for her due to her stuttering. She had grave doubts about her abilities to appear competent as a lawyer and worried how her father, an esteemed public figure and lawyer in West Africa, would perceive her.
Kay is gut-wrenchingly honest about disappointing her father and buckling under the pressure of the legal profession and communicating in courts and trials.
We discuss not only covert stuttering, but also the notion of the need to be covert for professional reasons, for self-preservation and protection. We also discuss how Kay never talked about stuttering with anyone until 6 months ago when she entered into some therapy here in the US.
She was always concerned with making her parents, friends and colleagues comfortable around her, and she tried hard to not have to subject them to listening to her stutter. She never let on how anxious and fearful she was, always putting other people’s comfort ahead of her own needs.
This was a powerful conversation. There is some background noise I was unable to remove, but the content of Kay story far outweighs any editing issues. Feel free to leave comments for Kay or just simply let her know how much you appreciated hearing her story. Credit for the podcast safe music used in this episode goes to DanoSongs.
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