Archive for the ‘Posts’ Category
It Depends Who You Talk To
Posted on: September 23, 2010
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Three of my friends who stutter (all male in this instance) have said the same thing in different ways about feeling free to stutter comfortably. Now this is not a profound conclusion at all. It is merely just an interesting observation!
All three have said (in different words) in the last month that they feel very comfortable stuttering when they talk to another person who stutters. Specifically, they have noted that they feel very comfortable stuttering when talking to me. Now, I wonder, is it ME they feel comfortable with, or the fact that I am a woman who stutters? Would they feel comfortable stuttering with any woman who stutters? Hmmmm . . . . . .
My friend JT and I talk all the time. In person and on the phone. He frequently tells me about what a bad speech day he had at work. He almost never stutters around me, or if he does, it is very relaxed. I have asked him about that, and he always says the same thing, “I am so comfortable around you . . . . it’s not an issue. But at work, forget it!”
My friend AA and I talk a lot on the phone and he always seems absolutely comfortable stuttering with me, to the point that he easily tolerates me gently teasing him sometimes. He thinks I purposely pay him compliments just to get him to say “thank you”, which he always stutters on. (I don’t do it purposely; he really is a terrific guy and warrants me occasionally telling him so!)
My new friend BA and I have talked on the phone twice recently and both times he has mentioned that he feels quite comfortable stuttering with me, but works very hard at being covert at work and would never stutter publicly with ease with anyone else.
I could very well be reading way more into this than what is . . . . we are all friends and friends feel comfortable with friends. But I wonder . . . . . is there anything to the gender difference? Might men who stutter feel more comfortable stuttering around women who stutter?
What do you think? I’d love to know your opinion! Or tell me honestly that I am just imagining it!
Be Inspired!
Posted on: September 18, 2010
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Please be sure to visit the International Awareness Stuttering Day On-line Conference held “live” from October 1 – October 22, 2010. The conference can be found on The Stuttering Homepage, under the guidance of Judy Kuster.
Judy has tended to the maintenance and upkeep of this page for years and also coordinates this on-line conference for people from all over the world to learn more about stuttering from the people who live it every day. This is no small feat, even though our friend Judy makes it seem so.
Professionals and consumers from all parts of the world contribute papers, presentations and participation in “ask the experts” sections. You will find information from therapists, professors, parents, and people who stutter from all walks of life.
It is a unique opportunity to learn how stuttering is indeed a global condition that affects millions of people’s’ lives every day. The more we learn from each other, the less mysterious stuttering becomes.
This years theme holds special meaning for me. I have been inspired by so many people who stutter this year. I had the opportunity to meet on-line friends face to face and exchange hugs. I had the chance to have kids who stutter tell their inspiring stories via video recordings, which can be seen on the Friends home page and will also be linked to the ISAD conference. Parents also recorded their stories as well, which was incredibly inspiring.
And I have been inspired by the women who stutter who have shared their stories on the podcast associated with this blog. I have been reminded over and over how powerful story is, and how we each have a story that needs to be told.
Check out this years ISAD on-line conference and be inspired again and again! It will be “live” starting October 1, 2010.
It Takes A Community
Posted on: September 14, 2010
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The best thing about writing a blog, especially one that is interactive, is the chance to meet so many people who understand the stuttering experience. And through blogging and other social media, I have had the opportunity to literally meet some of these great people.
Writing and talking about stuttering has been such a rewarding, meaningful experience for me. It has been therapeutic and insightful. I wondered what I should write about when I reached this milestone. Sharing about what sharing has meant made the most sense.
This is blog post NUMBER 300, and to say this experience has been life changing would be an extreme understatement. Writing about something so personal that so many people can relate to has helped acceptance become “more real” for me.
Instead of just talking about it, I have allowed some very private thoughts to be public and invited others who stutter to share their feedback and experiences. My mind and my heart have been opened a thousand times. I have learned so much more about my own feelings and attitudes by having so many other people share their feelings.
On-line participation has become central to the self-help community. I never realized that this blog might become self-help for me, but it has, and I just wanted to let you know that and say THANK YOU.
My life has changed. We are community. And I am proud to be part of the stuttering community.
Baggage
Posted on: September 8, 2010
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A friend and I watched the tail-end of a show on the Game Show Channel called “Baggage” recently. It is supposedly a modern dating game. Jerry Springer facilitates a match between a person looking for a date and three potential partners. The idea is that you know what you are getting before you start a relationship and can “opt out”.
This video clip depicts Jerry Springer discussing the premise of the show. He mentions that everyone “has issues”.
Each of the three potential partners has three suitcases, each case denoting a fact or tidbit that might make one think twice about getting involved. The larger the suitcase, the bigger the baggage.
It’s one of those shows that is entertaining to watch. You find yourself wondering, “how would I handle that?” When you see a “normal” guy or woman being the one seeking a date this way, you just have to wonder what they are hiding too. Notice my use of “normal” – I am not sure there is such thing as normal!
It turns out the “seeker” does have his or her own suitcase of baggage. Once the seeker has settled on the person with the least amount of baggage, the “chosen one” then has the chance to discover what baggage the seeker has tucked away in their big bag. This reverse baggage might be a “deal-breaker” too.
My friend and I talked about it – he had really only seen the show twice, both times while hanging out with me. I asked him what kind of baggage he might have hidden in his suitcases. His immediate response was, “Stuttering – absolutely, that’s my baggage. Stuttering is a friend that has to go away. I hate it – of course my baggage is the stuttering”.
Honestly, I was surprised to hear my friend refer to his stuttering like this, as something that if found out, it might be a deal-breaker in a potential relationship. He seemed so sure his stuttering was this “dirty little secret” that if someone found out about it, they might opt out of a relationship with him. Be it a friendship or beyond.
Why was I so surprised? Because I stutter too, and I don’t see someone else’s stuttering as baggage. When I look at my friend, I see confidence, personality, playfulness, just HIM. Stuttering is not even part of the equation. I don’t see it.
I don’t see my stuttering as baggage either. I see the sometimes negative FEELINGS I have about stuttering as excess baggage. The embarrassment and shame that can creep in can be baggage that I wouldn’t want anyone else to have to carry.
Mainly that’s because I project (at least I think I do) an image of confidence and being happy with self. I don’t usually let my vulnerability be easily seen. Maybe that’s one of my issues. And my friends’. Being vulnerable. Being exposed. Not the stuttering . . . . . but the vulnerability.
What do you think? Would stuttering be one of the “issues” in your suitcase that you call “baggage”?
Bit Of A Thespian?
Posted on: September 4, 2010
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At a recent training, I found myself assigned to one of the dreaded small break-out groups where we work together on a mini assignment. I am sure you know what I am talking about. The large group counts out numbers, and all the “1”s form a group, and the “2”s and so on. We work on something and then present it out as a team to the larger group.
I have always hated these things. I think everyone does. I was with a group of teachers and did not know anyone. We had 20 minutes to work on our project and then decide how EACH one of us would participate in sharing our results with the larger group. Which meant we would all have to talk. There was no escaping!
No one was nuts about it. Even as teachers who stand up in front of a classroom every day, everyone seemed anxious. We all worry about making a fool of ourselves up in front of a group we don’t know. But, we were all in the same spot, so we just sucked it up and made the best of what we had to do.
Of course, my worry was would I stutter and how much? No one here knew me, and it didn’t feel like a place to do any advertising or disclosure. I don’t think anyone else was worrying about that.
It was a science project we were to work on and then present our findings. Me and science do not mix. There were 4 science teachers in my group, me and one administrator. Everybody set out immediately to work on the problem that needed to be solved. The teachers were busy writing and one even pulled out a calculator and began working on the numeric portion of what would need to be presented.
I was feeling quite lost and after a few minutes of observing everyone working individually, I asked how were we going to make this a group presentation. I also reminded everyone we were running out of time and had not yet decided who would do what. I took the lead, and suggested that the teachers “do” and “present”the middle part and the other non-teacher and myself would handle the intro and conclusion.
Everybody seemed in agreement, and we even decided we would stand in the order we would present. I liked that idea, and with a few precious minutes left, we all worked on what we would say. Even though this was just a simulated science project and nothing real was “at stake”, we all wanted to do well in front of our peers. I insisted we take a few minutes and each quickly review what we each would say. We did, and then it was show time.
I wrapped up our presentation with a summary and “call to action”. I improvised much of what I said in the moment. It came off sounding great, and I was relieved to have had only a few blips of stuttering. Several of my group commented that my wrap-up sounded polished and easy, and I looked very comfortable.
I attributed much of this to my participation in Toastmasters. Practicing impromptu speaking has really helped with my courage and confidence.
On the way out of the training for the day, one of the organizers also commented to me that she thought I had done a terrific job. She added, “looks like you are even a bit of a thespian. You have a flair for the dramatic. Do your students ever pick up on that?”
I told her that I think most of my students tolerate me as much as they do any other adult standing before them!
But I wondered about her comment, suggesting that I infuse a little drama into my speaking. I have noticed that as well when I do a speech in Toastmasters. When I speak in a non-conversational mode and project my voice, as in “acting out a role” perhaps, I stutter less.
I wonder if this is inadvertently a technique I use to manage my stuttering when doing public speaking. I don’t intentionally set out to “add some drama”, but evidently I do, as I have noticed it and others have.
What do you think? Has anyone had a similar experience? Maybe I am courting a new career . . . . . . .
My Brother’s Question
Posted on: August 28, 2010
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I have written a few times that I really only comfortably discuss stuttering with one sibling regularly. Most of my family doesn’t like talking about it, even though I do. Kim and I talk about stuttering often. She works as a nurse and feels my openness about my stuttering has helped her be more patient with some of her patients.
I did talk about stuttering twice with another sister, who was willing to do an audio conversation with me once. But that’s it. With most of my family, it’s the same taboo it pretty much always was. Unless I bring it up.
So I was surprised when my brother called me last night. He needed a favor and also wanted some advice about stuttering for a co-worker.
A new employee works in the warehouse and in my brother’s words, has a “wicked stutter”. He wanted to know if I had any brochures or literature on anything that has helped me that he could leave “subliminally” around. I said sure, I could give him stuff or send him some links with resources.
I had to laugh when I got off the phone with my brother. His use of the word “subliminally” tickled me. I can just see this poor guy who stutters, minding his own business in the warehouse, and suddenly he stumbles on some information about stuttering. Which would be really out-of-place in the warehouse environment.
I was glad my brother felt comfortable enough asking me about this. He never has initiated conversation about stuttering with me. But I also had a few other thoughts.
It made me wonder, how will this guy feel? Will he be embarrassed? Will he think colleagues are embarrassed by his stutter, that’s why someone left stuttering information lying around? Or will he be happy to come across something that might help him? Will he be grateful that it was done anonymously? Will he take the information or ignore it?
It made me wonder, how would I feel? What about you? Would you be OK if you found something on stuttering suddenly and randomly in your workplace?
Doing The Work
Posted on: August 4, 2010
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I have been having this back and forth email discussion with someone who thinks that I should continue to do work on my stuttering. I have not been involved in any formal support or therapy for about six months.
Informally, I have been chatting with women who stutter at least weekly for the last three months. This is my therapy right now. I can stutter freely with others who understand me and I get to talk about feelings as well.
Is there some other type of work I should be doing? Is my stuttering getting worse? I don’t think it is, and I feel like I have a healthy and positive attitude right now. OK, it is summer and I am not as engaged in speaking situations as I am doing the school year. But no one has said to me, “Geez, you’re stuttering is getting out of hand. Maybe you should be working on it.”
The person who thinks I should continue to “do the work” hasn’t seen or talked to me in six months. She doesn’t stutter. I don’t know if she listens to my podcasts. I doubt it, but you never know.
I think living with stuttering and managing it every day and not letting it interfere with the choices I make IS doing the work.
What do you think?
Why Friends Is Deep Down Powerful
Posted on: July 27, 2010
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I was in Chicago for the Friends Convention this past weekend. For the third year in a row, I came home feeling inspired, empowered, and emotionally drained. It is hard to describe what happens at a conference with 150 kids who stutter and their parents and other people who care about stuttering. It is the most accepting, caring environment that you can imagine. New comers feel loved, welcomed and supported within minutes of walking through the door. Really. Someone scoops the kids up and parents greet parents.
The Friends convention has such a special feel. You feel it right away. Everything about Friends is low-key and family friendly. From the homemade “program-in-a-binder” to the buffet style chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese meals, you know this is about the kids.
As an adult who stutters coming to a Friends event, motivation is very different. Adults are not there for themselves, or our needs or some type of therapeutic transference. Nope, we go to help, and talk to kids and parents and facilitate workshops and reassure new-comers that stuttering is not a bad thing. How can it be with all these kids stuttering freely, with absolutely no fear or shame or time constraints? And surrounded by their parents.
That is the key. Families and parents talk together about stuttering, and what works. And that it is OK to accept stuttering and still strive to be the best communicator possible, at the same time. They are not mutually exclusive goals.
All the kids go to the same workshops at the same time. And adults and parents go to one at the same time. Everything is done with a sense of cohesiveness, and the purpose of getting to know one another. We all eat together, there is only one tour on Friday night,and there are even hospitality rooms, one for teens, one for adults, encouraging everyone to hang out and socialize together, instead of going off in separate groups.
At the dinner dance on the last night, shorts, bare legs, flip-flops or even bare feet were the norm. Kids packed the dance floor and hogged the karaoke machine, as it should be. We all got in a great big circle, with arms around each other, and sang, “That’s What Friends are For”, and “Wind Beneath My Wings” to each other.
You can’t help but feel powerfully connected when engaging like this with each other. Little kids, teens, siblings, parents, grad students, SLP’s – all just become people in one big circle touching and swaying to the music, and letting tears drip a little because we had no free hand to swat them away.
I was busy most of the weekend. I ran a workshop for adults, attended several, and did videos of parents. They are wonderful. Can’t wait to get them posted. I also did some videos with kids on “inspiration”. These will be featured as part of a video montage of people who stutter from around the world for the International Stuttering Association in October. How inspiring is that? Some of the Friends kids will be featured telling their stories around the world.
I still found time to connect emotionally with my own feelings. I was fine the first two days. Friday evening, I chatted with very good friend Heather G and found myself getting emotional as we chatted about some recent stuff I have been working on. Then on Saturday, my emotional dam burst and I just could not stop the spill.
It started with hearing the very inspiring Dr Alan Rabinowitz share his story of connecting with and saving Big Cats because they couldn’t speak for themselves, just as he felt as a kid growing up stuttering. I was choked up and teary for most of his talk. I remained so when I went to talk to him personally for a few minutes afterward. His disclosure of not feeling whole at one point in his life really struck a chord with me.
Shortly after, I listened to a panel of young people, parents and adults tell of “living successfully with stuttering”. When Bob Murphy, a tough, “wears-his-heart-on-his-sleeve” firefighter, told his story of seeking therapy himself as an adult(he has a kid who stutters) so he could have a chance at becoming a lieutenant with the Fire Department, I got a huge lump in my throat. When he shared that it paid off and he became a lieutenant just last month, I didn’t try to hold back the tears and just let them flow. I was so moved. My heart leaked.
Then I listened to a powerful closing speech by a therapist who had been a covert stutterer. She spoke with such passion, deep from her heart. The tears rolled down my cheeks. I was so happy to be in this place of acceptance and support, but at the same time I felt mournful and sad that I had never had any of this as a child.
For the third year in a row, my insides were touched in that deep down place that so wishes I had this kind of peace as a young person. I went to talk to Kristen Chemela after her speech, thanked her and let her know how her words had so moved me. And then I started crying and she stayed present with me for a few powerful moments.
Friends has a way of doing this. Of connecting all the dots – even the ones we thought we had pushed deep down. I am so happy to be part of the Friends organization and happy to give a little part of myself to these daring, courageous beautiful children and their parents.
Friends Who Stutter
Posted on: July 21, 2010
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I will be leaving today for my 3rd Friends convention, held this year in Chicago, IL. If you have a child that stutters, Friends is a wonderful support organization that focuses on acceptance of self as is. There is nothing better than to see kids, teen and young adults spend time together, laughing and loving each other and themselves.
This is a parent driven organization and it is clearly evident when you participate in a Friends event. The convention details are handled by families from the host city, and attendees feel welcome and supported the minute you walk in the door.
Parents are the backbone of this organization, under the guidance of Director Lee Caggiano. Lee is the mother of a son who stutters, and the whole Caggiano family is deeply involved in Friends. Dad Tom helps with all kinds of logistical things, including chief photographer during events. Daughter Jessie, herself a Social Worker, works with the kids and runs a siblings group every year.
People ask me how come I attend both conferences, NSA and Friends. They are so close – within two weeks of each other. It can be expensive. My response is always: how can I not.
When I first met Lee four years ago, her unconditional love, support and respect for people who stutter came shining through. She made me feel that my stuttering has purpose, value – before her, no one had made me feel that way about stuttering.
I went to the Friends conference in New Orleans in 2008, and was warmly embraced. Literally. When I walked in to the Friends area in the hotel, a parent of two kids who stutter, Gloria, warmly embraced me and made me feel so welcome. I will never forget that. I have been hooked since.
Countless times I wonder what my life would have been like if I had something like this when I was little girl, feeling so alone and scared with my stuttering. If I had known other kids my age who sounded like me – I know things would have been very different for me. I would not have felt like I had to fight the demons all by my self.
If you stutter, even as a adult, or know someone who stutters, take an opportunity to check out Friends. You will see why it is such a special place for kids and thier families. There, they are not kids who stutter. They are just kids. And we adults become kids at heart.
Visit Friends today. You will be happy you did!
My First Solo Workshop
Posted on: July 16, 2010
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I did a solo workshop at the NSA conference last week, and also helped with the Toastmaster Demo meeting. Both of these workshops were back-to-back on Saturday afternoon.
On Saturday morning, I worked with a small group of teens. We did some video recording, which will be posted on YouTube and the NSA website (front page, I hope, as these young people’s messages are outstanding).
I gave a speech at the Toastmaster meeting, which I really enjoyed doing. I spoke about my recent visit to England and what it was like visiting a meeting of the British Stammering Association. I thought it was great to speak about this at a US stuttering convention, as it serves as a reminder how global stuttering is.
Doing a Toastmaster Demo meeting is a great opportunity for toastmasters. We get to explain what Toastmasters is all about and the benefits to be gained by becoming a member. It is also very empowering to facilitate a Toastmasters meeting where all the roles are filled by people who stutter.
Toastmasters is highly recommended for people who stutter to gain valuable experience with public and impromptu speaking. You also get meaningful feedback from others which helps you set goals for future improvement.
This workshop was recorded by Judy Kuster’s husband, Tom. (I did not know it would be recorded until I saw him setting up the recording equipment). Judy is the guru of The Stuttering Home Page. It will be available for sale on DVD. (Eeeeks!)
The other workshop I facilitated was called, “Ch-Ch-Ch- Changes: Sometimes Change Can Change Everything”. A friend and I had talked about wanting to do a workshop like this since last year. She was unable to attend this year’s workshop, so I did the workshop myself.
My focus was on how one little change in our lives can change everything in our world. And the change doesn’t only happen to us. People around us – family, friends, co-workers, significant others – can be profoundly affected by a change we make or that happens unexpectedly. Entire families are affected when a member is an alcoholic or drug addict. Everybody learns how to cope, or deny, in some way.
And when the alcoholic or drug addict enters recovery, that change again affects the whole family. Suddenly, you have to adapt to a whole new person and new family dynamics. It’s not easy – I speak from personal experience.
Same with stuttering. I behaved and thought one way when I was covert for so many years. When I finally embraced my stuttering and let it out, I changed completely. I grew stronger, more assertive and confident, and less fearful. I grew into another person, and people in my life had to learn how to relate to this new person. Or choose not to.
Profound change happened in my life in just four short years. Change that also affected everyone around me. I discussed this in my workshop and shared parts of my personal journey that I had not shared with too many people.
Change is hard. Change is scary. Change is part of life. Change can change everything in an instant. Be ready for it!
Make Room For The Stuttering 
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