Do we really do that? Apologize for stuttering?

Ramma and I talked last night and he told me that he had a couple of very tough speech days. I asked him what it was that frustrated him. Ramma said that while talking to an important authority figure, he had one of the longest blocks he has ever had. He was unable to get past an “m” and blocked on “mmmmmmmmmmmmm” for what seemed an eternity. His listener was patient, and eventually supplied the word. It was the correct word. Within the context of the scientific conversation, the listener was able to correctly guess what Ramma was trying to say.

Ramma went on to tell me that he then said “sorry” to his listener. I asked why he felt the need to apologize for his stuttering. Ramma  said he wasn’t really apologizing for stuttering, but for the inconvenience he had subjected the listener to. I asked him what he meant. He explained that there may be a cultural difference in how the word “sorry” is used here in America and in other countries.

In America, the act of apologizing is encouraged (certainly not always done!) when someone has done something wrong that may offend another. Saying “I am sorry” is a way to express regret for the decision or behavior. In other countries, saying “I’m sorry” means roughly the same as  “pardon me for holding you up.”  It is more like an acknowledgement, rather an apology.

I can remember apologizing for stuttering, and then feeling awful for doing that. At our school Open House last year, I remember chatting with the grandmother of a student. We were  making small talk while she waited for her grand-daughter to finish up a demonstration. While chatting, she asked me where I went to college. I attempted to say “Keuka College”, but couldn’t get past the “K”. It was coming out like, “Ka-ka-ka-ka . . . . . . . .”

She was being patient, and finally guessed  (wrongly), “Cayuga College.” I agreed with her, even though it was NOT the college I had attended. I then remember saying, ‘sorry about that.” I was indeed referring to my stuttering. She didn’t know I stutter. I didn’t disclose it. It didn’t feel right to do that.

After we parted, I felt so awful for apologizing. I knew I shouldn’t have, but something inside me felt guilty for subjecting her to that. I felt because she was at an open house at a high school, she certainly wasn’t expecting anyone to talk like that.

I remember talking about that at my next self-help support group meeting. Saying out loud that I had felt the need to apologize for my stuttering and how unhappy that made me feel. We should not apologize for who we are. We are all unique and different for a reason.

I think Ramma and I both experienced the same instinctual reaction to apologize, but with the apology having different meanings in different contexts. I stand firm in the belief that we should not apologize for stuttering, BUT I can understand where it comes from. Maybe from a place deep in our core that just wants to be loved and accepted for who we are.

Has this happened to you? Have you found yourself apologizing for a stuttering moment? One thing -we shouldn’t beat ourselves up over it. Our feelings, whatever they are and however they come out, are legitimate.