Archive for the ‘Posts’ Category
Wounded Inner Child
Posted on: May 14, 2012
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Sometimes I think about that sad, frightened little girl who stuttered and wish I could just give her a great big hug and tell her everything would be OK. If someone had told her that, things certainly would have been different.
She wouldn’t have grown up feeling so insecure, afraid and ashamed. Insecurity, fear and shame stays with those who don’t get early positive messages. How can we change that?
One of the earliest memories I have of stuttering is my father yelling at me to, “Stop that,” “no one talks like that,” or “Jesus Christ, shut up.” I don’t necessarily remember the stuttering, but I vividly remember how that criticism felt, stung!
I didn’t know how to cope. I was afraid of my father and his deep disapproval. He was ashamed of me. He never said that. He didn’t have to.
I wanted my father to love me and be proud of me. I never, ever felt I measured up in his eyes, not as that little girl and not as an adult.
Those feelings of hurt, of being a disappointment, and being disappointed, of not feeling loved, stayed with me a long time. Those early moments drove me to try and hide my stuttering.
I always tried to find that love and approval, which I didn’t think I could as a stutterer.
As an adult, I often still feel the pain and loneliness of that wounded little girl. The shame that still creeps in sometimes when I stutter leads right back to my 5 year old’s shame. I tell myself I am over it, but it comes back to remind me, haunt me, actually.
What can be done to ease the pain that is still there of the wounded inner child? Do you have a wounded inner child that you do not acknowledge, or tend to?
I try to be kind and gentle when she pops in unannounced! I wish I could give her that warm hug and tell her everything will be OK. I wish I could dry her tears and take the pain away.
The closest I can come is to try and embrace myself and remind myself that I am good and special and loved, just the way I am. Stuttering and all!
Can you do that?
Being Anonymous
Posted on: May 10, 2012
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Many of us who stutter choose to be anonymous. We don’t want anyone to know we stutter, so we do everything we can to keep our light from shining.
We don’t want to draw attention to ourselves, so we figure out ways to hide, stay quiet, keep in the background. And it’s not just with covert stutterers. Even people whose stutter is very obvious often try to remain anonymous when possible.
It’s safer (we think.) If we don’t get noticed, we don’t expose ourselves to negative feedback. We shield our self from being made fun of, teased or excluded.
But we also fail to get noticed positively, because we often make that choice to be anonymous.
I find it very interesting as a blogger to see how many people comment on blogs as “anonymous” or with just their initials. Especially on stuttering blogs. People who stutter often don’t want their name linked with anything related to stuttering. It seems to be fear based.
Fear of not getting a job. Fear of a girlfriend or boyfriend dumping you. Fear of not finding a girlfriend or boyfriend because you stutter.
Being anonymous also seems to give people a freedom to express themselves more honestly or critically, because they think it can’t be traced back to them.
I heard someone say last week that we should try to look at the light, not the lampshade. But it’s hard to do that when we’re anonymous.
Thoughts?
Saying It
Posted on: May 5, 2012
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Recently, a friend shared a favorite poem as the invocation at our Toastmasters meeting. She read “Saying It” by Phillip Booth. As I listened, the first lines really spoke to me.
Saying it. Trying to say it.
Not to answer to logic, but leaving our very lives open to how we have to hear ourselves say what we mean.
The first part of this poem could have been written about stuttering. That’s not why a fellow Toastmaster chose to share this at our meeting. She was no doubt relating to how we communicate and choose our words, as that is a focus in Toastmasters.
But I heard struggle, vulnerability, and guilt. I wasn’t just listening, I was relating and processing, on a deep, personal level.
Maybe other Toastmasters heard the same, for of course it’s not only stutterers who struggle with saying what they want to say.
As a person who stutters, those simple words – “Saying It” – struck such a chord with me. Sometimes we can’t say it, or don’t say it, or change what we were going to say.
We are afraid of what the struggle will look like as we try to say it, and how we, and our listeners, have to hear ourselves say what we mean. I know I have been afraid to just “say it.” I worry about what others will think, still.
And there are times when I really don’t like having to hear myself say what I mean.
What about you? What do you think?
Do We Obsess Too Much?
Posted on: April 26, 2012
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Yep, I obsess sometimes. I know I do. When I speak publicly and communicate very well, I almost never focus on how well I did if I also stuttered. Like many of us, I tend to focus on the one tiny little thing that I didn’t like instead of all the good things that did happen.
Take last night, for example. I was at a Toastmasters meeting and volunteered to facilitate the Table Topics section of the meeting. This is the part of Toastmasters meetings where we practice impromptu speaking.
I thought of some questions during break and proceeded to skillfully carry out this part of the meeting. I also had a couple of moments where I had an uncomfortable block. Where nothing came out for about 20 seconds and I also squeezed one eye shut at the moment of the block.
As I drove home from the meeting, that’s what I thought about. Not how great I did at filling the role at the last-minute, but what did the two visitors think of me when they saw that weird blocking behavior? I obsessed about whether I should have said anything to acknowledge that I had stuttered.
As people who stutter, we also seem to obsess a lot over the conversational use of the word stuttering when it does not apply to what we know as a speech disorder.
For example, recently on the popular TV show “American Idol,” a 16 year-old contestant sang a song called Stuttering. She has a beautiful voice and sang the hell out of the song.
The next day, the Facebook forums were full of comments from people who stutter who felt offended by the song. Many stated they didn’t like the song because it implied the wrong reasons why people stutter.
Often in the news, especially regarding sports, we will hear or read accounts of a team or player getting off to a “stuttering start.” I have heard people who stutter comment that they are offended by these casual uses of the term stuttering, as it implies negativity about stuttering.
I understand (to a degree) why I sometimes obsess about my own speech and focus more on when I have had uncomfortable stuttering moments and blocks. I always wish it hadn’t happened at that particular time.
But I don’t always understand the reactions the stuttering community has when the non-stuttering public uses “our” word for our speech in another context.
What do you think?
Did I Stutter?
Posted on: April 6, 2012
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I have been attending a lot of Toastmasters meetings lately. As part of my role as Area Governor, I visit each of the clubs in my area at least twice a year, as monitoring visits. This means offering support and guidance so club leaders can make their clubs the very best they can.
I have tried to visit each of my clubs more than the minimum required. That’s the best way to lend support and see what the pulse of the club really is.
Last week, I visited a corporate noon time club. Corporate clubs in Toastmasters are unique in that they are only open to employees of the sponsor organization. Many companies pay part of member dues, and let them conduct (and attend) meetings during the work day, usually lunch time.
This meeting was to have two planned speakers. The first person was planning to do a Powerpoint presentation and was trying to get it ready before the meeting actually commenced. The technology wasn’t cooperating and she was unable to get her images to project on the screen.
After several attempts, finally something appeared on the screen. But it wasn’t what she was expecting. The screen was flashing very fast and the images were jumping all across the screen. She was getting frustrated, and finally someone else came up and tried to help her.
He did something and the screen continued freezing up and jumping back and forth, all staggered and unclear. Someone from the audience found this particularly funny and yelled out, “Did I stutter?” and laughed out loud, poking the guy next to him, getting him to laugh too.
I was sitting across from these two guys and felt my face flush and my chest and shoulders tensed up. I did not like what I had just heard. It was just an innocent, ignorant comment, using the phrase “stutter” to denote something negative, to be laughed at.
I didn’t say anything, as I didn’t want to draw attention to myself nor embarrass this guy.
What would you have done?
Out Of The Mouths Of Babes
Posted on: April 2, 2012
Friday night I went to a youth public speaking event. Sixth grade kids have spent the last 21 weeks working with two Toastmasters on developing confident communication skills. This night was their final night and their chance to show off their skills to friends, teachers and parents.
These kids were all 10 or 11 years old and have been willingly learning public speaking skills that will be lifetime tools for success.
This was such an exciting event. The program was facilitated by two veteran adult Toastmasters who volunteered to work with these kids over the last five months. The kids learned how to deliver planned speeches, impromptu speeches and how to offer valuable feedback.
Toastmasters offers a program called Youth Leadership that is offered to high school students. That this program was offered to sixth grade students was so impressive.
I was invited to attend as an area leader in Toastmasters.
I was so impressed with what I saw on several levels. The kids were enthusiastic, proud, and supportive of each other. They were all dressed for success. The girls wore dresses or skirts, the boys dress shirts and ties!
The school encouraged and fostered this partnership with Toastmasters. The parents were obviously thrilled that their kids had developed such confidence. I knew this because several parents shared feedback at the end, and two said they wished they had this kind of program when they were this young. One mom got choked up with emotional pride.
I was not sure if I was going to be asked to say a few words or not at the event. I was prepared to if asked. As it turns out, there wasn’t time at the end, so I did not speak.
If I had, I probably would have stuttered, naturally or voluntarily, or mentioned something about stuttering. Would that have been appropriate? Maybe, maybe not.
One of the kids said something that struck a chord with me when she was evaluating (offering feedback) another kid who had delivered a prepared speech. All the kids had a speaking role.
This young girl said something like, “In Toastmasters, we know there is always room for improvement. I noticed that you seemed to stutter on a couple of words. Try not to do that next time.”
I tensed up as I heard that. I shouldn’t have, because it was a totally innocent comment made by an 11-year old girl who was offering feedback to another 11-year old girl. They were all nervous. And giving feedback is hard to do. You want to be positive, but you also want to give the speaker something they can take away and grow from for the next time they speak.
I found myself having an inner dialogue with my self. I thought, “wow, this kid is using the word stutter to connote something negative. We don’t want that. But what can I do?”
Then I thought, “well, if I have to say anything, and I stutter and wind up acknowledging that I stutter, that little girl might feel bad, so if I do have to speak, I hope I don’t stutter.”
Then I thought,” you idiot. This would be the perfect time to educate people quickly about stuttering. What if one of those kids actually stutters and no one knows, because like I did, the kid tries to hide it in school?”
Then I thought, “Stop talking to yourself, Pam. You are making too much of this. It’s not that big of a deal. You are taking yourself way too seriously.”
I was glad that they ran out of time and I was not asked to say anything on behalf of Toastmasters.
What do you think?
She Actually Stutters
Posted on: March 30, 2012
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Finally, a person getting media attention who actually stutters! And she’s a SHE!
Swedish golfer Sophie Gustafson did a media interview that got lots of attention from the stuttering community this week. This was a big deal for her, as she has shied away from most public speaking due to her stuttering.
It is refreshing to see someone who has dealt with the physical, emotional and social aspects of stuttering actually talk about it, and stutter. She is not one of those who miraculously outgrew or overcame her stuttering.
She still stutters and lets it be known in this NY Times article published March 27 and her television interview (which made the rounds this week on social media, even though it aired back in November 2011.)
In this 2002 Sports Illustrated interview, she talks about how she has tried to manage her stuttering throughout her life, including therapy at the Hollins Institute.
A couple of my friends suggested I try to contact Sophie and see if she would consider being a guest on the Women Who Stutter: Our Stories podcast. I contacted her through her Twitter account, and she actually responded. When I asked her if she would consider being a guest and sharing her story, she said she wasn’t ready for that.
Those of us who stutter can certainly understand that!
What It Feels Like To Be Covert
Posted on: March 22, 2012
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Like a swan . . . . graceful and elegant on the surface, but frantically thrashing and kicking below the surface to keep it looking that way.
Like I fell off a cliff in mid-sentence . . . . and no one even noticed.
Like observing life through a two way mirror . . . . seeing and hearing everything other people are doing and saying, but feeling unable to participate in the conversation.
Like playing a game of hide and seek . . . . and always being terrifed that my hiding place would be discovered.
I gave a talk last week to master level SLP students. I was asked to talk about what it felt like to be covert.
I used some of these examples, and also talked about the shame involved with stuttering and trying to cover it up.
I don’t think the SLP students got it. I don’t think SLP students get enough information on what it’s like to cover up stuttering.
Have you ever tried to cover up your stuttering? How did it feel?
I got some of these examples from some of my friends who share the covert experience. Thank you!
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The story about Shaq (Shaquille O’Neal – former US basketball player) coming out as a person who stutters has got a lot of attention on the blogs and social media.
On March 3, a video clip was released featuring Shaq discussing that he stutters for a Dove (soap) commercial. I didn’t like it! I don’t buy it! Shaq was a huge media presence in his basketball prime and he never spoke about stuttering when legions of kids adored him and looked up to him. He would have ramped up his role model status if he had “come out” when he was actively playing hoops!
My fellow blogger and mentor Daniele Rossi, of Stuttering Is Cool writes his reflection about another famous stutterer getting attention, even though he doesn’t stutter. Daniele and I appear to agree on this issue.
I think if famous people are going to be asked to promote stuttering awareness, then they should stutter. At least on one or two words. Or have at least one person who actually stutters be a spokesperson for something. Hey, maybe even a woman!
I posted my thoughts about this on one of the stuttering Facebook groups, and I got a lot of heat. People said I should give him a break – that it’s great that there is one more avenue for stuttering awareness.
Here’s what my comment was:
Sorry Shaq! I don’t buy it! Ordinary people who stutter (and use Dove soap) can also be comfortable in our own skin!
Here are some of the responses:
Love this clip, any one that puts themselves forward to talk and advertise their own stuttering, as Americans call it, deserves applause in my eyes, whether they are celebs or ordinary folk. In fact celebs can get criticised and people assume its for their own gains, which is often wrong. The way the media has spun it about being comfortable in his own skin is just advertising, that’s the way I look at it.
Pam- I think you are over thinking this. Remember it is after all an ad campaign. Remember he is being paid to use Dove products, of which there are many besides soap. Is anyone trashing Vice President Biden because he came out of the stuttering closet later in life, as did James Earl Jones? I for one think it’s great that he’s out of that closet. The youths out there love him and he is a wonderful role model, far better than Kobe Bryant, Charles Barkley or the other bad boys of basketball. This man is a gentle giant and I applaud him.
I’m thinking that you would like to see “regular” people cast in the limelight as people who stutter and “overcame” stuttering, correct?
Not sure what the big hooplah is…yes, celebrities endorsing a product is always a bit cheesy, but I think that the ad raises stuttering awareness in a light-hearted and approachable way to a mass audience. I applaud him and I make no claims to know whether or not he uses Dove soap or truly stutters, and find myself truly concerned with neither. I suppose we could raid his shower in a soap detection effort and personal files for formal diagnosis documentation, but why? He’s a relatively positive public figure and he’s not only raising awareness, but also promoting positive self-image and self-acceptance. A bit kitschy? Maybe. But, effective, nonetheless.
I understand the frustration regarding predominantly male PWS role models who are mostly/completely recovered. It’s definitely a sore point–however, since there tend to be more males who stutter than females [to our current knowledge], I suppose I have come to just not fixate on that particular disparity in public portrayals of stuttering. And, yes, it would be desirable and healthy and refreshing to see someone stutter openly–onscreen, on camera, etc. Perhaps, one day we will arrive at that point. For now, I suppose that any progress toward giving stuttering a somewhat positive, vocal, national, viral platform is progress in my book.
I like the fact that he said he was comfortable in his skin, AND he still stutters. It’s Dove’s tag line, but I think it’s a great message for PWS – that we can be comfortable in our skin AND stutter. Being comfortable with our speech is part of being comfortable in our skin. This may be the first time he’s talked about it, and I think it’s a great thing.
The last comment reflects that Shaq says he is comfortable in his own skin and he still stutters. Wouldn’t it have been great if he had stuttered, just once, in this clip?
What do you think?
International Women’s Day
Posted on: March 8, 2012
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Today is International Women’s Day. This year’s theme is “Connecting Girls, Inspiring Futures.”
Each year around the world, International Women’s Day is celebrated on March 8. Thousands of events occur not just on this day but throughout March to mark the economic, political and social achievements of women.
The achievements of women and girls who stutter have been celebrated on the podcast Women Who Stutter: Our Stories for almost two years.
We have heard courageous and previously hidden stories from women who stutter from all over the world. This is truly an international community of women, and we happen to stutter. We have heard from Sweden, Mexico, Ireland, Croatia, Bulgaria, Iceland, Canada, New Zealand, Slovenia, Australia, West Africa, Trinidad & Tobago, England, The Netherlands and The United States. We have also recorded from Poland and China.
These are stories of shame, discrimination, isolation, perseverance, triumph and acceptance. These are stories of ordinary women doing extraordinary things.
Several young girls have shared their stories here, which IS inspiration and connection. If you want to hear inspiration, listen to Aileen and Claire.
Today is International Women’s Day and March is Women’s History Month. Celebrate the accomplishments of the girls and women in your life, our daughters, sisters, mothers and friends.
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A SLP friend emailed me the following article that was printed last month in the ASHA Leader, the newsletter of the American Speech and Hearing Association. The article is entitled “Perspective: A Minority Within A Minority” and written by a professor and a doctoral student from the University of North Carolina at Greensboro.
I was excited to read the article, at first.
The article discusses the lack of research about women who stutter, and cites the only research done in the field was in the 1970’s and 1980’s, by just ONE researcher. Of course, a lot has changed in 30 years in the world that exists for women who stutter.
What has not changed is that we women who stutter continue to feel very underrepresented, isolated and misunderstood, both in the world in general and in the speech therapy world.
This article points to the woeful lack of resources and support for women who stutter, because, YES, there are gender differences. Ask any woman who stutters!
And there are even research studies starting to surface about brain differences between men and women who stutter. I participated in this brain study at the NIH in 2006. I blogged about this last January (here!)
The main reason I was not excited with this article was that the authors failed to specifically mention, and credit, what is out there in the grass-roots world of support for women who stutter.
The authors mention that electronic blogs and podcasts have become an acceptable source of support for women who stutter. I have been hosting the ONLY podcast for women who stutter since May 2010. It would have been nice if the authors cited this as a reference, instead of just allude to it.
As we know, training programs for SLPs often only require graduate students to take one course on fluency, and sometimes even that is not required. Generations of future SLPs have no idea that women who stutter feel unheard and hugely isolated. What about little girls who stutter? Where will they get the support and inspiration they need? And hope?
I believe we will continue to see a widening gap between the speech therapy field and organic, grassroots venues where women who stutter are given a voice.
More research is needed. I hope when the next professional article is written about women who stutter that the author (s) will talk to some of the women who stutter who are already telling our stories that need to be heard.
What do you think? I’d love to know!
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