Archive for October 2012
Falling Off A Cliff
Posted on: October 27, 2012
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What does the actual moment of stuttering feel like to you?
Yesterday in a training, we were talking about metaphors and the trainer was asking us to apply metaphors for things we were feeling.
We were then to dig deep to see if we could identify the feelings behind the metaphor we chose. No one volunteered, so I took a chance.
I shared that a common metaphor for me is that I often feel like I’ve fallen off a cliff and no one has even noticed. As this was a work training on change, everyone believed I was referring to a work situation. I was not. I was referring to how I sometimes feel when I get caught in a good stuttering block.
However, since it was change we were refferring to, I let the trainer dig deeper with me and allowed her to think it was a work issue. It could have been.
She asked how it feels when I fall off the cliff. I said it feels scary and helpless. She asked if there was anything that let me know I was about to fall of the cliff. I said anxiety usually triggered it.
She asked if I knew why I was falling. I said because I wasn’t in control. Everyone was believing this was a work situation. She asked what I could do to prevent the fall. I said I could talk to someone about how I feel before the anxiety tips me over the edge.
She asked what kept me from talking about the way I felt. I said it was fear of being laughed at. She asked who was my direct report. I told her the guys name – he was right in the room. She asked what could I do to feel comfortable talking with him.
I told her I felt comfortable talking with him – that wasn’t it. She kept pushing for me to dig. I didn’t want to admit I was talking about stuttering. She asked again what was I really afraid of, still thinking I was referring to work.
I finally surprised myself and said judgement. There, I had said it. I feel like I am falling off a cliff when blocking and I fear someone is negatively judging me.
But the metaphor surprisingly fit into a pretend work scenario too. I get anxious when I feel someone at work is judging me.
The trainer felt good that I had risked and shared and felt my colleagues had learned from my share. She encouraged us to dig deep when we are feeling the impact of change in our lives. And to use metaphors to help us dig deeper.
I thought long and hard after the training and was happy that I shared this metaphor that I often feel – even though I didn’t come out and directly say I was talking about stuttering. I didn’t have to – it still related to a general fear of judgement, which is a universal fear. We all want to be accepted and not seen as different from the norm.
What about you? How do you feel in the stuttering moment? Is there a metaphor you could use to describe that feeling?
Are We Better Off? -Episode 94
Posted on: October 22, 2012
Episode 94 is a special “monologue” version, where it’s just me, without a guest. Today, on International Stuttering Awareness Day, I offer my thoughts on a question I have pondered.
Are we, as a stuttering community, better off than we were before we had so many support and self-help resources available?
We can answer that two ways. From an individual perspective and from a larger perspective. I’m interested in knowing if you think the world, our little corner, is more knowledgeable about stuttering since there has been an increase in stuttering awareness over, say, the last 5 years.
Or are our awareness efforts only benefiting the stuttering community?
What do you think? I’m really interested in hearing your thoughts.
The music clip used in this episode is credited to ccMixter, where podcast safe, creative commons music can be found and freely used.
Episode 93 features Barbara Dahm, a Board Recognized Specialist in Fluency Disorders, who alternates between New Jersey and Israel. She has been a speech clinician for 40+ years.
Barbara talks about a 17-year old girl she worked with early in her career who had a severe stutter. She talks about trying to find the answer to help people who stutter.
Her present work is rooted in Gestalt therapy. Barbara believes that neurological function and habits cannot be separated from how the mind works. She also thinks that feelings, thoughts and behaviors are all linked together. Traditional therapies seem to overlook that stuttering is a systems problem.
We discuss Barbara’s belief that stuttering is “over control.” She works with people on thinking about speech as automatic and as a natural process. She helps people to try not to be fluent. But the result IS fluency.
“It’s not just that I’m not stuttering, it’s a different experience.” Barbara wants to help people “quiet the editor” in their brains.
This was a great conversation. For more information on Barbara’s work, please see her website, Stuttering Online Therapy. Barbara would love for people to study, research and critique her program.
Feel free to leave comments or questions for Barbara. Feedback is a gift. Music used in this episode is credited to ccMixter.
The Devil You Know
Posted on: October 8, 2012
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One of the papers on this year’s International Stuttering Awareness Day (ISAD) online conference resonated strongly with me. ISAD 2012 presentations can be found on The Stuttering Homepage.
The paper is titled Relapse Following Successful Stuttering Therapy: The Problem of Choice, by Ryan Pollard. In it, he discusses how difficult it is to change our identity, even after successful therapy for whatever the issue is-stuttering, overeating, or leaving an abusive relationship.
I commented on Pollard’s paper with a post that I titled “The Devil You Know.” People often stay in bad situations because we believe what we know may be better than the unknown. Change is scary, as is uncertainty and second guessing whether we can survive whatever change it is that may (or may not) need to be made.
I went through all of that, 3 and 4 times over. I am an adult child of an alcoholic, and as with many ACOAs, it was hard to let go of invalid beliefs, self-criticism and the constant need to please others.
I also began my journey to accept myself as a person who stutters several years ago, after spending a lifetime trying to pretend I didn’t stutter and denying how much it bothered me that I wasn’t being true to myself. As I grew to like myself more, I grew more confident and began to shed the need to defer to others and pretend to be someone I was not.
And I stayed in an abusive relationship for many years, as I thought I couldn’t ever leave and be happy, or that I just couldn’t make it on my own. I preferred the devil I was living with to the devil I didn’t know yet.
All of this leads to this: just knowing the alternatives we have in our life is often not enough for a person to make a change. I knew there was help available to leave a bad relationship, but I stayed. I knew my parents’ alcoholism was not my fault, yet I believed that for many years. I knew I could learn tools in speech therapy which would greatly minimize my stuttering, yet I chose to allow myself to stutter openly.
I remember several years ago writing a piece about “my arrival.” How would I know when I had arrived at the place in life where I would truly be happy. I also wrote about changing, and asked myself 2 questions: “what if I didn’t like the person I might become if I changed? what if I didn’t even recognize her?”
Sometimes if easy to see why we might stay with the devil we know.
What do you think?
The River’s Flow – Episode 92
Posted on: October 2, 2012
Episode 92 features Ruth Mead, who hails from Dallas, Texas. Ruth is a writer, and before that she ran a car business.
Ruth started writing when she was 33, and wrote non-stop for 3 months. She reached the point where she had entered “the flow,” meaning that she was just free writing and not having to change anything.
Ruth feels that writing helped improve her speech, as she began to think about this flow. She wasn’t thinking about changing anything when she wrote and she began to realize the same was possible when speaking.
You can read Ruth’s book “Speech Is a River” here, which as you can see, is freely available. You can also read this review of Ruth’s book by Barbara Dahm.
Listen in as we talk about effortless talking, what being “cured” and “transformation” means, holding back, humor and so much more. Ruth gets me talking a little about my feelings growing up thinking my father was ashamed of me.
This was a great conversation. Feel free to leave comments or questions for Ruth or both of us. Feedback is a gift.
Music used in this episode is credited to Dano Songs.
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