Make Room For The Stuttering

My sister came to visit me today. We are both going through changes in our lives. She needed some help and I was able to provide it to her. We had a simple lunch together and shared and talked. She noticed something on my coffee table about stuttering and asked if I thought my stuttering had anything to do with the chaos we grew up with.

I told her that it is thought that stuttering is genetic and neurologically based, but that indeed environment plays a role in whether a child predisposed to stutter will stutter. She said she thought she had some of the problems she does due to the environment we grew up in.

My sister also left some books with me. She knows I love to read. I really need to get back to that. It is so pleasurable to read and get lost in the beauty of words.

One of the books she gave me is called “Daily Affirmations”. I turned to the page for today, October 31, and cried as I read this, as it fit perfectly for me today.

It resonated with me so much, I want to share it here.

On this day, I affirm what I see, what I feel and what I sense are real – I can trust myself. I validate my experiences, my senses and my intuition.

As a child, I was influenced by the “no talk” rule in my family,and I came to mistrust my perceptions. The constant denial that there was a problem in my home led me to believe that I was the one who was crazy. This pattern, more than any other, has caused me hurt and disappointment.

How many times have I disregarded my own warning signals? I have entered relationships that I knew were bad for me. I have rushed into situations that I knew were dangerous. How many times must I continue to walk into the same brick wall and bruise myself?

For years I’ve tried to move the wall. Today I will walk in a different direction. I am learning to avoid hurt by seeing people and situations for what they are – not for what I wish them to be. I am extremely capable of perceiving what is real. I will judge what lies ahead of me and make decisions in my own best interest. (Copyright 1985, Rokelle Lerner).

Wow! I read and re-read this several times. I have had many brick walls. Some I have climbed over, some are still in my way.

I recognize that so many times I have let my past, my stuttering, and fear make decisions for me. I cannot allow that. As I said in a post many months ago, I have “to do me”.  It is OK to do me. I seem to have lost sight of that. This affirmation reminded me that I need to get on course. The words tore into me and really got me thinking. Thanks Trish! (another sister I am getting a little closer with).

What about you?  Can you trust your perceptions?  Do you make decisions based on your needs or based on what you think others want you to do?

“Beyond the gates of right and wrong, there is a field. I will meet you there.”  (Rumi – sometime many years ago)

When I heard this recently, it resonated so deeply. I had a friend who lived by this every day. She is no longer with us, but she was one of those special people who believed in each person’s innate goodness, unconditionally. She never judged, and never saw life in absolute rights and wrongs. She lived in that field, and invited people to join her there.

The world is full of people who judge, and who can’t look beyond something we did or said, and hold that against us. Just as the world is full of people who judge us on how we sound or how we look or how measure up or don’t. And when we are judged, it is hard not to take it personally.  At one time or another all of us may have allowed another person’s judgement of us, right or wrong, to sully how we think of ourselves. As much as we know we should not, we internalize when people judge us from what they see or hear or interpret.

People who stutter are often judged unfairly. We are often presumed to be anxious, nervous, shy, emotional or less intelligent. If we internalize that, we can come to believe that we really are inferior to others. Many myths still abound about stuttering, because not enough of us who stutter do what we can to raise awareness and educate others. Each time that we stutter openly and with courage, we are educating someone who may not understand that experience. It is up to us be upfront, explain what stuttering is, encourage questions and be assertive. That also helps tremendously with our desensitization and helps us overcome fear of stuttering openly.

If we are judged negatively, we should try to take it in stride and not let it get under our skin. I did that for a long time, let it bother me, almost let it consume me. Not just stuttering, other things as well, but stuttering was certainly part of the formula.  There is no right or wrong with stuttering. It is part of who we are and part of what makes us so unique.

Negativity begets negativity,and being positive does the same. A very wise person recently gave me some simple, sage advice on how to handle negative energy, criticism and judgment. He said:

Remain “conscious” and fully “present”.. don’t panic.  Remember, your calmness can engulf the whole cosmos, if it is “total”, if it is “spontaneous”..

None of us are perfect. We need to remember that in a world that strives to be perfect. None of us should cast the first stone. My friend is surely looking down and smiling in approval as she realizes I remember her belief in people’s goodness. Rumi said it best – lets meet in the field. There is plenty of room.

What do you do when you are judged negatively? Can you let it go, with grace? I am going to continue to strive to do that.

Just a quick note . . . . . I have a good friend that I used to work with about two years ago. We keep in touch more now that we don’t work together than when we saw each other every day at work. She was always very comfortable with my stuttering in the work place, and would ask me questions sometimes, like did my stuttering vary or increase according to certain circumstances.

I remember one time she commented to me (and prefaced it with, “no offense intended”), after being with you for a while, I notice that I stutter a little bit for a day or two afterwards. At first, I didn’t know what to make of her mentioning that my stuttering was “rubbing off on her”, but then I just laughed, because it was kind of funny. And I actually noticed her stutter a bit sometimes after hanging out with me.

It also reminded me of when I myself have visited Southern states – Louisiana or Texas – that for a day or two afterward,  I find myself speaking with a bit of a southern drawl! What’s up with that? And I’ve had people ask, “do you realize that you’re talking with an accent?”

What do you think? Do you think its possible that someone can “pick up”another’s stuttering? Do you think a person who stutters might be offended by this? Or think they are being made fun of? Can speech patterns rub off on others?

Some of you may recall that good friend Lisa was recently a guest blogger here. She shared her story of her covert stuttering secret and how it impacted her life. As we all know, keeping our stuttering hidden takes an enormous amount of energy. We very often pay a huge emotional price as well for lugging around this big heavy secret.

Lisa has shared that bit by bit, she has been taking risks and being more open with her stuttering. And she has realized that she feels lighter when she is stuttering openly and just being herself. Well, she wrote to me last week and shared a wonderful story with me. It was so special, and caught at my heart right away. I felt so proud of Lisa, and asked her if we could share this chapter here on the Blog. Lisa was more than willing – she too thought it would be special to share this story of pride and triumph.

Here is what Lisa shared about a conversation she had with her sister.

Hi Pam, this is my sister’s response after reading the same ‘my feelings about my speech’ that I shared with you . . . . I told her everything(about my stuttering) last night and then explained all about you and what I wrote to you and she asked to read it . . . . I sobbed my eyes out, hope you don’t mind me sharing this with you . . . . .

Lisa’s sister, Leanne Robison October 19, 11:16pm, shares:

I read my sister’s speech that explained her feelings about her stuttering. . . . . I will admit I have only just found out the extent to which this secret has been going on. . . . after reading and talking to her,  I am soooo proud to call Lisa my sister. I have always looked up to my big sister. She has been my rock many times in my life. . . .  I have always gone to her with my problems and woes. She is my big sister and I would never ask about her issues or worries, but now I am a grown woman and  I am here for her. . . .  She has great courage and strength and for all that she has been through in her life this is just a blip!!  It doesn’t change her personality or ability to make people feel better. It doesn’t change the fact that she is a wonderful mother, friend, sister, auntie and daughter.  She is a fighter and healer. Lisa is my sister and MY inspiration. I AM PROUD OF HER. The mis-wording doesn’t change her. She will always be the person that tells me off, the person that I look up to. She will always be my sister and I love her more than I can tell her. I just hope she understands this. . . . . Lisa just be yourself…… you are unique, don’t try and change or hide this anymore.

This brought tears to my eyes when I read it the first several times. It was so beautiful and inspiring and shows how much courage and character Lisa has. I am proud to know her. She is doing wonderful things, and it is wonderful that she wanted to share. Lisa is making room for the stuttering in her life.

Lisa took another big step recently too. She is heard telling some of her story on how it felt to stutter on her name, on Danny’s wonderful podcast, “Stuttering Is Cool”. There are some other familiar voices here as well, but Lisa particularly shares her heart with us. Listen here!

Please be sure to leave a comment here, and share your thoughts with her. I have a feeling that stuttering is not going to make decisions for Lisa anymore. You Go Girl!

Adam wrote back to me and asked me to run another section of his story that he wanted told. He also commented on how much he appreciated the very positive support he received from many readers who took the time to respond and I wanted to share that as well.

I think Adam’s story is important enough to share again here. His perspective on what it’s like to feel imprisoned by severe stuttering needs to be shared. I hope his confidence is growing from the support he is getting here. I really would love to see Adam share more of his story on his own blog, or consider doing a guest segment on a podcast. Adam, you have a lot to share with the world.

I just wish everybody who responded to my first entry on Pam’s blog were my family. You guys are the best family I could ever ask for….

The only way a stutterer will be understood, no matter what degree their stuttering, is with other stutterers because we all share a common bond…..

Ever since you mentioned me calling you, Pam or you calling me to speak or stutter, I have wanted to contact you verbally very much. But the thing is, I just can’t. I want to have a MEANINGFUL CONVERSATION on the phone with anyone at anytime. I stutter so horrendously awful, that I couldn’t do it. I would not be able to make a call to you or anyone who I miss without a stuttering device or speech therapy that would work or is right.

I would love to call you, but it would need to be with an anti-stuttering device, or someone else would need to be able to verbalize my thoughts because I sure can’t verbalize them. It kills me to think someone needs to say what I want to . . . .because of the fact I can’t on my own.

Another situation. I had this incredible lovable best friend science teacher in 8th grade. And to this day, she is still very dear to me, and I have not forgotten her. She saw so much good in me, and I felt the same way about her. Her personality could melt a Scrooge’s heart.

I have wanted to call her SO BAD because I miss her dearly. Do you know why I don’t call her?  My extreme stuttering would destroy a heartfelt and meaningful conversation with this dear friend and former teacher who changed my life.

I simply want to call her to ask if she has my address so she can send me a Christmas card and a birthday card in July. But how will she understand what I am asking when I can’t verbalize it?

I feel that my own severe stuttering is isolating me from the things that I really want to do. Such as this call to my 8th grade science teacher. I want her to hear the happy jubilant young man who made her glad to be a friend and teacher to others. I don’t want her to hear a verbally messed up person. Because that’s how I think of myself.

If I stuttered far less, and was adequately clear, I would do SO much more,  like ask girls out, go on dates, call this special teacher of mine.  This teacher needs to know how much her family is important to others and me. But extreme stuttering just makes me re-coil. I want to do something but I know I can’t.

I have tried calling her, but LUCKILY, and I mean LUCKILY, no one picks up the phone. I get the answering machine. I never ever leave a message, because I don’t want her or her equally hilarious husband to think there is someone drunk or nuts on the machine.

So making a call to Susie Q, as I endearingly call her, or Mrs. Potrikus or Mrs Po. as me and students called her as students, is out for now. I need a better way to express myself via a device or some meaningful therapy that I can’t afford.

So as you can see, I am in a social and emotional bind because of this extreme stuttering. It’s not today or yesterday or the day before, Pam. It’s weeks, months, and YEARS of stuttering and with no resolve for it. It’s wanting something others take for granted and something that comes easily and readily. Self-expression.

Every Monday night I go to a group for adults who stutter, which is then followed by therapy provided by graduate student clinicians. I came to the college early Monday because I had been asked to speak to one of the Fluency classes about my experiences with stuttering. I always enjoy doing that and think its a mutual learning process.

After speaking to the class, we had an hour until the adult group started. I had brought a book with me and planned to snatch some reading time for a few minutes. But something better happened.

A couple of people who had been in the Fluency class came over and sat with me. One guy, Brandon, had also talked with the class and shared his stuttering story. He always prepares so well and takes the opportunity so seriously. He and I started talking a bit about what we shared and why we feel it is so important to do so.

We then started talking about feelings and challenges that we still find ourselves faced with. Brandon said he likes to listen to how I describe my stuttering. He said the feelings are always so genuine and he appreciates hearing the realness. I said something like, “well, sure I’m real, there’s no other way to be, right?’ Brandon went on to say: “Pam, it’s really special how you describe your experiences. With all the stuff that you do, reaching out, putting stuttering out there, volunteering, I always thought you went from point A one day to being totally OK with stuttering the next day. Like it was an overnight process. It’s good for me to hear that it wasn’t like that, that you still deal with ‘the stuff’  too. It reinforces that there’s no magic involved, that its hard work, and that it takes time. It’s a process. It’s just so good for me to hear that you go through ‘the stuff’ too. Its inspiring!”

I just looked at Brandon and thanked him. At first, I was kind of embarrassed, but then I felt really good that he shared that with me. It’s not magic. This journey sure is hard work. We have our ups and downs. Sometimes, it seems like we have more downs than up. But the journey is infinitely easier when we can share it with each other.

Thanks Brandon! It feels special when someone chooses to share something this honest.

What about you? Is it easier for you to share this journey with someone else? Does it have to be another person who stutters?

As many of you know, I have had a major transition in my life. With that comes change. Change is often scary and overwhelming, and many people resist change, even when we know it will be better for us.

It took me a long time to find the courage and confidence to make a needed change in my life. I feel in my heart that I did the right thing, even though I am very much experiencing varied emotions. But this is how change works. It takes us for a ride, and has us up and down for a while, until things level out.

All of this change has had an impact on my stuttering. I have noticed more repetitions and stoppages. I have definitely been more tired, stressed and emotional lately, which I know increases my rate of speech, which means more stuttering. I am sure we all can relate to this.

I did a quick video update to share with you, because, well, I was in the mood to and I think I can explain what has been going on maybe a little better verbally than in writing this time.

What do you think? Does stress and change increase your stuttering moments? Or do you think, like Danny (www.stutteringiscool.com) mentioned, that it’s just “mercury being in retrograde” that spells more stuttering moments? Please share your thoughts.

Earlier in the week, I had to meet with a student and the assistant principal regarding a fairly serious rules infraction the kid had. I had taken a statement earlier from the other student involved. During the statement taking, it was just me and the student and I was mostly fluent.

In the assistant principal’s office, she sat behind her desk and I sat fairly close to the young man. He was being cooperative and respectful. I think he was in a little bit of shock that the other student had actually “told on him.” He may have thought he was going to get away with it.

Anyway, while talking, I was making good eye contact and the kid was acknowledging that he understood what he did was inappropriate and what the consequences would be if the infraction persisted.

Towards the end of the conversation, I said something that I blocked very hard on.I don’t remember the word, but it began with k, and came out, “k-k-k-k-k-k-k, then the word”. It was a very “dragged” block, but I was able to finish the word. I then finished my thoughts, and had a couple of minor repetitions there as well.

The assistant principal knows I stutter, but this kid didn’t. It was the first time this kid and I had interacted. He didn’t say anything when I blocked, but a look of surprise washed over his face, and he looked like he was trying to figure out what was going on.

I didn’t say anything. I didn’t acknowledge that what had happened was stuttering. I felt slightly self-conscious and uncomfortable, but I just let the moment pass. I felt that was OK to do.

Soon after, we dismissed the kid and had him return to class. The assistant principal didn’t say anything to me about the stuttering moment either.

But then I had second thoughts. Should I have said something after the block? Would it have helped educate the kid? Would I have felt less self-conscious? What would you have done?

Has this ever happened to you, and you chose not to acknowledge the moment?

Adam keeps in touch with me sometimes on this blog or through Face book. Adam identifies as a severe stutterer, and believes any one with a mild to moderate stutter is really fluent compared to him. We have debated this several times. There shouldn’t be a measure to see who stutters worse. It’s all about how we feel, whether we feel handcuffed by our stuttering. Adam does – he feels he cannot communicate with anyone because his stutter is so severe, and he does not want to subject anyone to the agony of listening to him.

Last night, Adam wrote to me. He needed to vent. He had experienced a very difficult time while out with his parents. His written account touched me: his heartfelt emotions, his pain, his frustration with stuttering. I asked him if I could print excerpts of his piece here on this blog. He consented – so here is Adam’s story.  If you want to leave a comment, please direct it to Adam. He will be following!

I love people, Pam. I love my parents and I always have. I have dealt blow by blow with extreme stuttering day by day with some will power- will power that I don’t know where it comes from.

Tonight eating out with my family was enjoyable, but my stuttering and the fact I could not control it made it another stuttering train wreck of an evening I’d like to forget.

It’s not just tonight though. It’s days, weeks, months and years of this ordeal I endure every waking hour. Honestly, I don’t feel the will to try to talk for myself is even there anymore. Speaking has never been successful and never will be for me.

Every day I fight to make it through extreme talking troubles, and tonight at dinner I just couldn’t do it. Everyday I barely make it stuttering wise. I come through, but as always I come through at the end as an emotional wreck because of the constant daily torture of not being able to communicate.

At one point while eating and extremely struggling and stuttering, I felt like crying during dinner. I didn’t want to embarrass my folks or myself or ruin the evening, so I held my head down due to the agony I felt. I even felt my throat getting choked up because of the torment and trouble I felt while trying to say the simplest things. Imagine wanting to have a simple conversation, and one just can’t. Every day is an emotional and verbal rollercoaster.

Picture being locked in a green-house if you will, one can see all the opportunities and flowers outside of that greenhouse, but the way out the door to the land of grass and trees is locked forever. And the lock is the inability to communicate. The lock can only be turned with a device or help from others. The person who can’t express themself is trapped in an empty greenhouse. Others can look in the greenhouse and see the person, but the afflicted person can’t see them or walk outside because they are locked in by anguish and frustration.

My mom had jokingly suggested years ago that I learn sign language, and use that  instead of talking. I just rubbed it off, but over these past 5 yrs. I didn’t know how serious that suggestion was. Maybe it would be better if I learned sign language. I honestly wish I was mute, or was a deaf-mute in these every day times of extreme stuttering.

Too add salt to the wound to make it hurt even more, I wanted my mom or dad to finish my words that I knew I was trying to say myself, but I just couldn’t. They refused to finish my words and sentences. When the question was obvious that I had to ask in my stuttering way–they knew what I was so desperately trying to ask. They just wouldn’t answer me. They insisted I stutter through myself. They insisted I endure trying to talk myself when I already know I am unable to in a way that is favorable to others.

My parents will never understand me verbally– and it’s all because they have done all the wrong things to try to help me. It’s because listeners have done all the wrong things to help me in my verbal frustrations.

I stutter so much, and my parents never understand what I am trying to say. Yet they never jump in to help me when I am always having extreme frustration. They assume I can say something on my own, but in fact I know I can’t.

I love my parents, but I also hate them too. When it comes to my own extreme stuttering and the fact I have no device to slow my mind down and to help me communicate, and they won’t help me in my daily ordeal to communicate– that’s when I do hate them.

I still have no anti-stuttering device- and it may take a few anti-stuttering devices to get my life and speaking under control, because if one device breaks or does not work, well that means we buy another one.

The thing is these devices are only what will help me in my daily extreme effort to try to talk….not having something to help one live a better life is like well living a life as a very small inferior person.

And there are ways out when the pain of something gets to great over the days , months, and years…….

“Stuttering shouldn’t stop a person from achieving their dreams” . I kindly and nicely disagree there.

Powerful stuff, huh? Have you ever felt so bad about your stuttering that you wished you were mute? Or should communicate using sign language? What would you like to say to Adam? Any thoughts? What might help? Thank you Adam for sharing this story with us!

While chatting with friend Ramma, he made a comment about my good writing skills. I thanked him, and shared with him that I always thought I could write better than I could speak. I started writing long ago, when I avoided most speaking situations. I always enjoyed writing. It made me feel good to see what I could do with written words. I could string words together and make them sound magical sometimes. I thought I couldn’t do that verbally.

Ramma said maybe there was a reason I stutter. Of course, I asked what he meant. He said maybe it was God’s plan that I write. That if I was fluent, maybe I wouldn’t have had the interest in writing that I do. That made me think.  Of a lot of things. Like what really is God’s plan for me, for us. Is there a pre-determined plan? I am not so sure of this, as I haven’t really had much of a relationship with God. And I also thought that if that was indeed the plan, that I was supposed to stutter so I would write, then maybe this is why it feels so right to write!

I went to a workshop last week on Theological Reflections. A small group of us talked of experiences that have shaped us, and how we are called to see spirituality in our unique life stories. We were asked to ponder if maybe we felt any of us were called to our current work or some other passion.

I felt uncomfortable sharing this with a group I didn’t know.  I feel the reasons why I write are highly personal. Yet, I post a very public internet blog. Doesn’t make much sense, huh?

I think we sometimes develop skills to compensate for areas that we think we are lacking. For years, I thought I shouldn’t let my voice be  heard because the words came out stuttered or blocked. I thought no one would want to listen. But I kept my journals and diaries private too, for the same reason. I thought I wasn’t a good enough writer that anyone would be interested in reading my words. Funny how we get so stuck. I was afraid to let anyone hear me – either my spoken or written word.

And now I am pondering if maybe writing is part of the plan for me, in the grand universal scheme. Is this my calling, like I was asked last week at the workshop? Was this God’s plan, that I not be fluent so that I would write, as Ramma posed?  Hmmmm. Just today I read an article about a workshop being held in my community about journal writing  for healing. It is being held in a place called The Center for Integrated and Holistic Health, and the workshop will help participants channel difficult experiences into transformative ones through journal writing.

I think thats what I have been doing with this blog.

What about you? Have you excelled in some areas because you think you are weak in others? Do you think the universe designed that to be so, for us to maximize our strengths?

I am really pleased to report on a great newspaper article that was printed in my local Times Union, Albany NY on Friday October 9. Perfect timing for Stuttering Awareness going on this month.

This is an article and video clip about our local middle school that was having auditions to be “The Voice of Meyers” at Myers Middle School. This person,” The Voice” gets to read the morning announcements every day at school over the public address system.  For middle school students, this is a big deal. It adds prestige to the otherwise pre-pubescent, stressful daily grind of 12-14 year old kids.

What caught my eye about this article was one of the students, a 14 year old named William, stutters and felt confident enough to audition and raise his voice. The first lines read, “William Williams does not want to stutter in front of 700 people. He inhales sharply so he has enough air and grabs the microphone.” At first, I thought maybe the use of the word stutter was arbitrary and might be used negatively, but as it turns out, the kids stutters and his story was positively showcased in this article and video clip. It’s a great story of courage by William and encouragement by school staff.

William was not chosen to be the voice of Myers Middle school, but he is eyeing a future in student government. Kudos to him. And the school. And the local media for running this story, and showing living with stuttering everday in a very positive light. 

Read the text of the newspaper article here. “Albany students raise a ‘voice’.”

Watch the clip of the video here!

Do we really do that? Apologize for stuttering?

Ramma and I talked last night and he told me that he had a couple of very tough speech days. I asked him what it was that frustrated him. Ramma said that while talking to an important authority figure, he had one of the longest blocks he has ever had. He was unable to get past an “m” and blocked on “mmmmmmmmmmmmm” for what seemed an eternity. His listener was patient, and eventually supplied the word. It was the correct word. Within the context of the scientific conversation, the listener was able to correctly guess what Ramma was trying to say.

Ramma went on to tell me that he then said “sorry” to his listener. I asked why he felt the need to apologize for his stuttering. Ramma  said he wasn’t really apologizing for stuttering, but for the inconvenience he had subjected the listener to. I asked him what he meant. He explained that there may be a cultural difference in how the word “sorry” is used here in America and in other countries.

In America, the act of apologizing is encouraged (certainly not always done!) when someone has done something wrong that may offend another. Saying “I am sorry” is a way to express regret for the decision or behavior. In other countries, saying “I’m sorry” means roughly the same as  “pardon me for holding you up.”  It is more like an acknowledgement, rather an apology.

I can remember apologizing for stuttering, and then feeling awful for doing that. At our school Open House last year, I remember chatting with the grandmother of a student. We were  making small talk while she waited for her grand-daughter to finish up a demonstration. While chatting, she asked me where I went to college. I attempted to say “Keuka College”, but couldn’t get past the “K”. It was coming out like, “Ka-ka-ka-ka . . . . . . . .”

She was being patient, and finally guessed  (wrongly), “Cayuga College.” I agreed with her, even though it was NOT the college I had attended. I then remember saying, ‘sorry about that.” I was indeed referring to my stuttering. She didn’t know I stutter. I didn’t disclose it. It didn’t feel right to do that.

After we parted, I felt so awful for apologizing. I knew I shouldn’t have, but something inside me felt guilty for subjecting her to that. I felt because she was at an open house at a high school, she certainly wasn’t expecting anyone to talk like that.

I remember talking about that at my next self-help support group meeting. Saying out loud that I had felt the need to apologize for my stuttering and how unhappy that made me feel. We should not apologize for who we are. We are all unique and different for a reason.

I think Ramma and I both experienced the same instinctual reaction to apologize, but with the apology having different meanings in different contexts. I stand firm in the belief that we should not apologize for stuttering, BUT I can understand where it comes from. Maybe from a place deep in our core that just wants to be loved and accepted for who we are.

Has this happened to you? Have you found yourself apologizing for a stuttering moment? One thing -we shouldn’t beat ourselves up over it. Our feelings, whatever they are and however they come out, are legitimate.

Remember the incredible on-line conference over on The Stuttering Home Page  is going on right now, through October 22, which is officially International Stuttering Awareness Day. On that day, people all over the world will educate and raise awareness about stuttering and stammering.

It is up to us, people who stutter, to educate the larger community. We can do that by being up front about stuttering, talking about it,and being honest about our feelings.

There are some excellent papers over on the conference, covering all things stuttering related. And the interactive comment section features questions and comments from all over.

There are several papers on the Covert Stuttering experience.

Please read Cathy Olish’s paper on her stuttering journey. She still very much uses covert behaviors to keep her stuttering hidden. Her story is heartfelt and poignant.

I will also shamelessly plug mine, Things I Learned In Therapy. Please read and leave comments on all the papers that interest you.

Another one I found interesting, that maybe will result in more research, Understanding Sex Differences in Developmental Stuttering.

Please read, comment, and ask questions on these papers or at “The Professor is In”.  We  learn so much from each other.

The innovative Tech Valley High School in my area held their Open House recently to celebrate their opening in their own new space. For the past two years, the school has been operating in shared space. The creators of this school always visualized the school having a place of its own. It is now housed in a building on the Albany State University campus, and also has as neighbors many of the emerging, high tech businesses that one day hope to employ these kids.

The Open House was celebrated by school leaders, parents, the community and business. It was a huge celebration that concluded with a dramatic Chinese Lion Dance. In the Chinese tradition, the lion dance signifies new beginnings, happiness and good luck. Indeed this school is celebrating its new beginnings in a home of their own. They are also celebrating being on the cusp of exciting new technologies that will attract more business and jobs to the upstate New York area.

I too am celebrating new beginnings. I want to dance the Chinese Lion Dance  myself. This video will have to do! Please watch for a minute and see how exciting the dance is.

I have entered a new part of my life. Just as I did three years ago, when I stopped denying my stuttering and started welcoming it into my life. It was hard and scary and emotional to do that. Change is like that. Sometimes we would rather stay stuck and miserable, because it’s what we know and we fear the change and the uncertainty.

It was the same in my relationship. I stayed stuck in a relationship that had ceased to fulfill me a long time ago. I was afraid to leave. Guilt and obligation held me hostage for a long time. Slowly, I felt my very spirit being sucked right of me and I knew I had to make a change, as scary and overwhelming as it would be. I had long felt that I wasn’t good enough and would never find the right person to share my heart with. I felt I didn’t deserve happiness. Part of that came from a difficult, loveless childhood. Part came from my own feelings of self-contempt because of my stuttering. And part came from a deep fear of being alone.

But this person was smothering and hurting me and I felt it more and more everyday. My feelings for him had long ago been extinguished. I was numb, just as I had been for years as a child. I stayed in this bad relationship out of fear and financial dependence. Wrong reasons to stay with anyone! I knew it for a long time and just needed a bolt of courage to finally “walk the walk” and do what is right for me, for my soul. I found the courage to embrace my stuttering and slowly that ignited my inner reserves of strength regarding other things. I deserve to be happy. We all deserve to be happy. And I do not need another person for that. Sure, its nice to share your heart and soul with another person, but it has to be the right person,and for the right reasons. There has to be a connection. A real one, not one that I thought there should be.

I made a decision about my life. I am responsible for me. I am now living alone. I control my destiny and my life. I am responsible for me. Sure, its scary. I worry about finances and having to cut back, like everyone else. But it is liberating and empowering to know that I did it!  I ACTUALLY DID IT! I found the courage and power to take control of my life, and who I am. I am going to watch the Chinese Lion Dance over and over again, and remind myself that I am who I am, and that I am OK.

Have you ever faced a momentous change in your life, and felt the fear grip you tight? Did you do it anyway? How did it feel? Special, I am sure. It is special.

Sometime ago I wrote about how it feels to be out of balance and feel like I lead two lives. It was in the post called Duplicity. I ended that post with this line: I really want my two worlds to become one, and find that balance. At the time, I was talking about covert stuttering, and admitting to myself, and to whoever reads this, that I still find it hard sometimes to share my stuttering with some people. I still feel shame and embarrassment. Maybe those feelings will never totally leave me.

My sense of unbalance relates to more than just stuttering. Someone pointed out to me that my affirmation of self seems to have to come from others, and that it does not come from within. He asked why is it so important for me to be affirmed by others? It felt like he was questioning my integrity. Maybe he is right.

I write and share my feelings and project this Rock Star persona.  But, am I really that person? Do I walk the walk? Am I honest enough with myself? Am I REAL?

I remember at last year’s NSA conference, Mary and I did a workshop called, “Letting It All Hang Out: Being Real With Our Stuttering.” We got so much positive feedback, as we both took risks and shared our emotional journey. We paralleled becoming real with our stuttering to the story of “The Velveteen Rabbit”, the classic tale of what it takes to become real. It’s a process, and a journey. I remember feeling so proud after doing that workshop. I had really shared parts of myself and allowed pieces out that had not seen the light of day in a long time. I had also allowed my emotions to come out and felt connected with the listeners. At one point, both Mary and I were choked up, and I remember seeing people in the audience getting misty-eyed too.

So now I find myself wondering – am I only real at certain times? When its convenient for me? When I need affirmation? This person’s probing questions made me feel like a hypocrite.

I know we all doubt ourselves from time to time. It is normal. Right? Do you ever feel like this? That our willingness to be real varies from time and place, person to person?