Make Room For The Stuttering

Looking in the Mirror

Posted on: October 3, 2009

Sometime ago I wrote about how it feels to be out of balance and feel like I lead two lives. It was in the post called Duplicity. I ended that post with this line: I really want my two worlds to become one, and find that balance. At the time, I was talking about covert stuttering, and admitting to myself, and to whoever reads this, that I still find it hard sometimes to share my stuttering with some people. I still feel shame and embarrassment. Maybe those feelings will never totally leave me.

My sense of unbalance relates to more than just stuttering. Someone pointed out to me that my affirmation of self seems to have to come from others, and that it does not come from within. He asked why is it so important for me to be affirmed by others? It felt like he was questioning my integrity. Maybe he is right.

I write and share my feelings and project this Rock Star persona.  But, am I really that person? Do I walk the walk? Am I honest enough with myself? Am I REAL?

I remember at last year’s NSA conference, Mary and I did a workshop called, “Letting It All Hang Out: Being Real With Our Stuttering.” We got so much positive feedback, as we both took risks and shared our emotional journey. We paralleled becoming real with our stuttering to the story of “The Velveteen Rabbit”, the classic tale of what it takes to become real. It’s a process, and a journey. I remember feeling so proud after doing that workshop. I had really shared parts of myself and allowed pieces out that had not seen the light of day in a long time. I had also allowed my emotions to come out and felt connected with the listeners. At one point, both Mary and I were choked up, and I remember seeing people in the audience getting misty-eyed too.

So now I find myself wondering – am I only real at certain times? When its convenient for me? When I need affirmation? This person’s probing questions made me feel like a hypocrite.

I know we all doubt ourselves from time to time. It is normal. Right? Do you ever feel like this? That our willingness to be real varies from time and place, person to person?

4 Responses to "Looking in the Mirror"

Yes, I totally feel like that at times and I do understand what you are talking about.

Sometimes I feel like I can almost exist with my stuttering and then another time I want to just run and run and never look back.

That is why it so hard for us to be our true authentic self, because it is so unpredictable when one self or the other will show up.

Why is stuttering so hard to figure out?

Hi, its stutterrockstars, sister, just want to say, are you nuts! As far as i know you always keep it real. Alright you didnt always keep it real, but you do now! I think you have come so far in your journey, it is incredible! I think we all sometimes have trouble keeping it real, dont you all agree? We all want everything to all sweet and nice, but the real world doesnt work that way. In fact, if we all kept it real, there wouldnt anything but raw emotion! And the world is not set up that way! So we just keep on keeping on! However, I do believe that people who stutter have an innate ability to get across their point regardless, an i admire that! I do believe that my sister has come so far because she found the strengh she needed in herself!! Of course, I think also, that she went thru changes that needed to happen so she could find the wonderful person that she is!!! My sister has made so proud, I value her so much, she has come so far, I dont think she even realizes her contribibution that she gives to the world around her! She is one of my Heroes! And one more thing, As long as celebs keep putting themselves out there, whether they are hiding it or embracing it, it does put out it out there! which is important. Again, We all talk the same, you guys get to be different! To me You are all stutterrockstars!! LUV you all! Bye BYE

Amazing post.

There is always this kinda Tennis match that goes on in myself. For 1 minute, I feel so positive, pumped up to rock the world. And within a second of my stutter, I feel beaten up and let down.

In spite of all the setbacks, the naive feeling of hope and a pat on my back always keeps me going.


Hello from Russia!
Can I quote a post in your blog with the link to you?

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© Pamela A Mertz and Make Room For The Stuttering, 2009 - 2022. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Pamela A Mertz and Make Room For The Stuttering with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. Same protection applies to the podcasts linked to this blog, "Women Who Stutter: Our Stories" and "He Stutters: She Asks Him." Please give credit to owner/author Pamela A Mertz 2022.
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