Sometime ago I wrote about how it feels to be out of balance and feel like I lead two lives. It was in the post called Duplicity. I ended that post with this line: I really want my two worlds to become one, and find that balance. At the time, I was talking about covert stuttering, and admitting to myself, and to whoever reads this, that I still find it hard sometimes to share my stuttering with some people. I still feel shame and embarrassment. Maybe those feelings will never totally leave me.

My sense of unbalance relates to more than just stuttering. Someone pointed out to me that my affirmation of self seems to have to come from others, and that it does not come from within. He asked why is it so important for me to be affirmed by others? It felt like he was questioning my integrity. Maybe he is right.

I write and share my feelings and project this Rock Star persona.  But, am I really that person? Do I walk the walk? Am I honest enough with myself? Am I REAL?

I remember at last year’s NSA conference, Mary and I did a workshop called, “Letting It All Hang Out: Being Real With Our Stuttering.” We got so much positive feedback, as we both took risks and shared our emotional journey. We paralleled becoming real with our stuttering to the story of “The Velveteen Rabbit”, the classic tale of what it takes to become real. It’s a process, and a journey. I remember feeling so proud after doing that workshop. I had really shared parts of myself and allowed pieces out that had not seen the light of day in a long time. I had also allowed my emotions to come out and felt connected with the listeners. At one point, both Mary and I were choked up, and I remember seeing people in the audience getting misty-eyed too.

So now I find myself wondering – am I only real at certain times? When its convenient for me? When I need affirmation? This person’s probing questions made me feel like a hypocrite.

I know we all doubt ourselves from time to time. It is normal. Right? Do you ever feel like this? That our willingness to be real varies from time and place, person to person?