Make Room For The Stuttering

As I wrote in my last post, I have been reflecting so much more recently on my stuttering journey. Maybe it’s because somehow I feel I have not been as helpful to others as I once was. I have not been as active in the community as I once was. I have had other BIG issues this year that have taken up more headspace. I have not been thinking as much about stuttering as I used too.

But, I have allowed myself to jump into spaces where there are other people who stutter. I am still really involved with the NSA and I help create some great virtual events. I try to attend them every chance I get. And as I used to be a host for Stutter Social, I have been trying to jump in on those conversations once in a while.

Something that was recently discussed at one of those stutter social hangouts was the idea of how people who stutter feel when they get caught in a long block, trying to say something and nothing comes out. I don’t experience intense blocks where my mouth hangs open when I am waiting for my word or sound to come out, but I definitely do experience blocks.

I know of a lot of people who do experience much more intense blocks, who have told me they absolutely hate it when they are in mid thought or mid sentence and then wham, they stop and are stuck. They describe the “stuckness” as mouth wide open, gaping, utter silence. They describe their listeners as impatient shrews, who can’t or won’t wait, who just walk away while the person stuck in the block just stands there, embarrassed once again that they couldn’t get a word out fast enough before someone walked away.

What came to mind when thinking about this recently was that we who stutter have choices. We can choose to stutter well. That sounds ridiculous, right? But it’s not. I have stuttered for more than 50 years so I am very good at it, in fact I am an expert at my stuttering. Of course I stutter well, it’s what I do. When we choose to adopt the mindset of stuttering well, we can choose to not let other people dictate how we feel about stuttering. If someone else doesn’t like my stuttering, fine. So be it. There’s nothing I can do about that. Because I stutter and I stutter very well.

I also struggle well. I didn’t always used to think that. If I got caught up in a huge stuttering moment, with a long block or many repetitions, I would do my best to duck my head, pretend to cough, and get out of the situation as quick as possible. Many times, I’d find myself going out to my car and crying.

But not anymore. Struggling is part of life. It’s part of stuttering. When I struggle, I don’t run away from it anymore, I run towards it. Struggling well helps me figure out what to do best in a situation that will leave me feeling intact and whole and equipped to handle the next challenge.

Stutter Well. Struggle Well. Sometimes that’s all we can do.