Make Room For The Stuttering

Lisa and I had a poignant, emotional discussion the other night about what happens with the people around us when we change the way we stutter.

For example, when I first started stuttering more openly after years of trying to hide it, people closest to me were clearly impacted. They had been used to me one way, and now I was talking another way. My ex-partner had never heard me stutter openly, so he  didn’t get what I was doing. He never knew I stuttered, and it caused tension between us when I finally let my stuttering out.

Most recently, he commented that I must be stuttering like this because I hang around other people who stutter. He would also say, after overhearing me on the phone, things like, “No offense, but you sounded really awful. Are you OK?” Some of my family was uncomfortable too. They would get nervous-looking and avoid eye contact with me. One sister thought it was cool, though. She would say, “Finally, your being yourself.” Stuttering differently certainly brings various reactions from those around us.

Lisa wanted to talk about what has been going on with her pre-teen daughter, who had always been supportive and understanding of her mum’s stuttering. Lisa shared that her daughter would supply words for her when they ordered in restaurants, as a help for her mum. And the younger girl would as well. They really didn’t have any problem’s with mummy stuttering, because it was usually well hidden.

Well, as Lisa has been stuttering more overtly, the people around her have reacted. Her sister shared that she was so proud and inspired by Lisa’s choice to be “true to herself.” Her partner has been supportive and interested in learning more about stuttering.

Lisa’s pre-teen daughter has reacted a little differently. One day last week, Lisa reprimanded her daughter, and for the first time, daughter mimicked mum’s stuttering, saying “a-a-a-a-a-actually.’ Lisa was stunned and hurt, as her daughter had never done that. Lisa shared with me that her daughter realized she had hurt her mum’s feelings, as she voluntarily came back to mum and apologized. Still, the mimicking, and hurt, had happened.  Lisa has an amazingly close relationship with her daughter. That’s why she was so surprised and hurt when this happened. And it also explains why Lisa’s daughter knew instinctively she had hurt her mum and apologized right away.

Moreover, in the same week, Lisa learned that her daughter had not told her about a parent-teacher conference at the school. Lisa fears it was because her mum’s new open stuttering embarrasses her daughter.

We talked about it, and agreed that our changing stuttering affects those around us. Of course, it is going to. It’s almost like meeting a new person. Lisa asked what I thought. I do not have my own children, but I shared that I would have probably felt bad and hurt too I also reminded Lisa that something or another that their parents do or say embarrasses teenagers all over. It’s a universal part of the teenage angst process.

If it wasn’t Lisa’s stuttering, it would surely be something else. Not that it makes it any easier. We don’t like it when our feelings are hurt, especially by our loved ones. But it happens. Sometimes the people closest to us say mean and hurtful things. In Lisa’s case, I shared my opinion that she should continue to talk with her children about her stuttering, encourage them to ask questions and express their feelings. And keep communication open. We all have differences that we need to tolerate and respect.

Lisa still hasn’t told her mom about her stuttering secret. She had thought about asking her sister to do it for her, but thinks it best that she do this herself. When she finds the courage. Sometimes it is our closest family members that we have the hardest time with being open and honest.

This reminds me of when I was child. I always felt that I embarrassed my father. That is why he was so critical of me when I did stutter. That’s why I chose not to talk most of the time, so I wouldn’t stutter and be an embarrassment to my family. That was a heavy burden to carry around for a kid. I am glad the burden has got lighter recently.

What do you think? How would have responded to a similar situation? Have you ever felt you were an embarrassment to your family?

I never get tired of hearing about someone’s acceptance story, and how it can change lives forever. This one really needs sharing.

I received something in the mail yesterday from FRIENDS – the National Association of Young People Who Stutter. It was a letter from a parent who had attended her first FRIENDS conference this summer in Tampa. A grateful mom wrote this letter to Lee Caggiano, the co-founder and Director of FRIENDS. Lee saw the tremendous value in sharing this letter with the entire FRIENDS family. I hope that by sharing excerpts here on this blog, the message of hope and acceptance will reach even more people.

Mom wrote that before finding Lee Caggiano as a speech therapist for her 7 year old son,and subsequently attending their first FRIENDS conference, that the family home was full of avoidance,pain, attempts at quick fixes, and overwhelming fear. The parents never acknowledged their child’s stuttering. He knew something was wrong, for he saw people around him look away in discomfort when he spoke. But his parents could not, would not, confirm it for him, because they had always been told to avoid the word stuttering.

Mom found about Lee from a friend who also has a son who stutters. Mom says her “path of denial” (sound familiar) led her to a good speech therapist and Friends. Mom goes on to write:

“I will never forget the day my husband and I sat our child down and actually said to him: ‘ we know that you have been struggling with your stuttering and we are sorry. We don’t care if you stutter, but we never want you to struggle. We promise to help you with it.’  The look of relief in our son’s beautiful blue eyes will never leave my memory. Its as if a cloud lifted from all of us. You can feel the difference in our home. The dirty secret, that everyone knew, was out”.

Mom also enclosed a note from her mom, the child’s grandmother, who had also attended the 2009 FRIENDS conference. She writes:

“I can’t contain the tears that are still flowing after reading the letter you wrote about your experience at the FRIENDS conference. But my tears are very different than the ones before the convention. I used to cry when I heard my grandson struggling to get out the words he wanted so desperately to say and the look of pain on your face. When I went to Tampa to meet you and my grandson, I was so afraid to look you and him in the eyes because I didn’t want to see pain and struggle. Instead, while there, I slowly  became aware of the acceptance between the two of you, I was so moved by the courage of the individuals who stutter, children, teens as well as adults. How they got up and spoke proudly to everyone from a podium, with humor and intelligence, and some yes, with more difficulty than others. They made me feel comfortable with stuttering for the first time”.

When I opened this letter and read it once through, I had to put it down for a minute and catch my breath. I was so incredibly moved by it myself. My eyes welled up as I remembered seeing this mom at the conference in Tampa. I had no idea that she and her family were so profoundly effected by the power of FRIENDS. I read the letter again two more times, and remembered how impacted I felt by attending my first FRIENDS conference as an adult who stutters in New Orleans in 2008, and helping out in Tampa in 2009.

Self help, acceptance and support really does change lives. This seven-year old boy’s experience with stuttering will be forever changed by the love,  support and acceptance that he and his family has found through FRIENDS. How beautiful for them. How wonderful that Lee and FRIENDS continues to provide this lifeline of acceptance and love for the kids and parents affected by stuttering. Stuttering can and should be accepted, so our children will grow up feeling loved and supported and special.

What do you think? Wouldn’t you like to meet this mom and say thank you for sharing this letter? I know I would like to give her and her son a huge hug!

Wow! I started this blog post about a week ago, after reflecting on some things going on in my life and talking with several people who stutter (and one who doesn’t) about whether people who stutter are more prone to depression. I talked to good friend Jamie yesterday, and in asking how she has been doing, she told me to check out the latest episode of Stutter Talk.

I couldn’t believe it when the episode had the exact same title,” Stuttering and Depression” as this blog post. I toyed with the idea of changing my title, but then figured, “Nah, I don’t have to.” I will link the Stutter Talk guys and episode over here. There’s more than enough to go around when we confront and acknowledge our fears about depression.

Several people I know who stutter have also struggled with depression at various times. We have talked about it. Low self-esteem, constant fear of judgment, anxiety and stress related to the stuttering experience can definitely contribute to, or exasperate depression. Feeling isolated can also be depressing. And trying to keep stuttering hidden can heighten depression.

I have grappled with depression over the years, and finally feel comfortable enough to talk about it. The social punishment that greeted my stuttering, especially the negative feedback from my father, really got to me.  I always felt shame about my stuttering. For a long time I didn’t realize what an effect that was having on me. The more I explore my stuttering, especially my deeply ingrained covert behaviors, the more I realize how my depression and stuttering were tied together. I didn’t like to acknowledge I stuttered. And I never wanted to acknowledge my depression either. That seemed shameful as well. Made me even more imperfect.

What a relief it has to been to realize that I am not the only one who stutters and has dealt with depression. Both have long had negative stigma. Anything that makes me feel more prone to judgment by others has always been difficult to surface and talk about. But the more we talk about things, the less awful they become and the more we are just reminded of our humanity. And our need to share our lives with each other.

I am in awe of how honest and courageous Jamie is in this episode of Stutter Talk. Listen and learn. I certainly have. I consider myself so very lucky to have friends who are willing to walk with me as I explore more and more of my tough stuff, and are OK as I let it out. I am reminded that is one of the greatest gifts – sharing and listening and taking time for each other.

Also, today is Friday the 13th. Good friend Daniele Rossi, of  StutteringIsCool, has declared today as Stuttering Appreciation Day. So, if you stutter, appreciate yourself for the gifts that you have and bring to the world. And if you know someone who stutters, tell them how special they are, especially a kid.

I have written before that I participate in a therapeutic support group for people who stutter on Monday nights. After group, I spend time with one or two student SLPs, as part of individual therapy for me and practical work for them. This program favors fluency shaping, although they do combine stuttering modification as well. I have generally resisted fluency shaping techniques, because I see them as making me covert again. Given that, I have never really internalized any fluency techniques and so never really practiced them.

I have used this time (quite productively, I think) to work on acceptance issues and explore attitudes and feelings. I have been honest about how it feels to have had changes in my stuttering pattern, which has resulted in more overt stuttering, including blocks. Which I don’t like! No kidding, right? No one likes getting stuck! Unless you stutter, you probably do not know what that truly feels like. So I have been working hard to accept this new pattern. I have tried volitional blocking, to be more aware of where I am getting stuck. It is hard enough to block, but to try and do it purposely is tough. Especially with someone watching me. I’ll get to that in a minute.

A critic of mine tells me that I talk too much about acceptance. That people who have really accepted stuttering don’t talk about it or write about it as much as I do. He says I shouldn’t be just enduring stuttering, I should be doing something to overcome it, then acceptance wouldn’t be an issue that needs talking about. No kidding? If it were that easy, parents and kids would have no problem whatsoever with stuttering, right?

So anyway, in my individual session Monday night, the two students and I got to work on attempting to feel and see where my blocks occur. Both students say they can see when I block – in my shoulders especially and even in my abdomen when I tense up and lose air flow. I did not realize that. I try to pay as little attention as I can to what the blocks look like. But I guess I wasn’t really “feeling” them either. So even though I felt very self-conscious, I allowed myself to stutter freely to “catch” the blocking. I used a word that I get stuck on a lot. “Quick”. While stuttering naturally on “qu-qu-qu-quick” and really paying attention, I was able to feel my throat constrict and felt the lack of air flow.

So then I was encouraged to voluntarily block on “quick”, and no kidding, I felt it. I really felt the block.  I was totally aware of my air flow being momentarily cut off, and I was doing it purposely! Yikes! I did it several more times, and was amazed to see that I could finally block purposely for the express purpose of feeling what it felt like. The students commented that again they could see the tension in my shoulders and abdomen when the air flow was squeezed off and I tried pushing the sound out.

I learned a lesson. I can really learn to desensitize myself by blocking purposely,and not feeling so flustered when it happens. Good friend Greg at stuttering.me has encouraged me to do volitional blocking as much as I can. I really didn’t think I could do it. But now I know I can. I need to know how it feels. Greg has also suggested negative practice, where I block as hard and as much as I can, in an effort to eventually be able to “turn off” the block. No kidding!

What do you think of the idea of blocking on purpose? Have you tried it? Can you see some benefit? Do you think it’s a bad thing to encourage acceptance?

One of the things that I had always wanted to do was teach. But I thought I couldn’t because of stuttering. When choosing a career path in college, I remember thinking that teaching was out of the question.  It would require too much talking and who would want to hear a stutterer?  So I chose a field that I thought would entail less talking- social work. Well, it didn’t quite turn out to be less talking, because as we know, social workers/counselors talk to people every day. I had thought that at least I wouldn’t have to stand up in front of groups and talk, and risk stuttering.

Now, some twenty years later, I am doing exactly what I thought I could never do, and in a way, I am teaching. I consider myself to be very lucky. I have put myself in a position to be talking to different groups about the stuttering experience and acceptance.  And I really love doing it. It is a way for me to give and do volunteer work about something I am passionate about.  Over the last two years, I have facilitated several workshops and presentations on acceptance of stuttering and how we can manage it in our lives. Something I never would have dreamed was possible. And I don’t have to be a certified teacher to teach.

Two weeks ago, I helped to present a 6 hour workshop to speech language pathologists, with two other people who stutter. Our workshop covered therapy approaches for pre-school and older kids and teens, and adult considerations. I covered the section on adult issues and spent considerable time discussing covert stuttering. There were over 120 SLPs in attendance,and we received excellent feedback about our presentation. The day proved that there needs to be a partnership between professionals and people who live the stuttering experience.

Two days ago, I participated in a NSA Youth Day in Syracuse NY. I volunteered to present a workshop for parents. As it turned out, me and my friend Joe actually co-facilitated the presentation for a group that included both parents, students and professional SLPs. This was one of the most moving experiences I have had. We talked about stuttering being OK and acceptance. Parents shared their worries and fears and their hopes for their kids. Some shared that this was their first experience talking openly about stuttering, and hearing adults who stutter do so freely. Parents commented that they wished they had knew about resources like this long ago.

Some parents openly showed emotion throughout,  and especially when we had everyone practice voluntary stuttering. For some parents, it was the first time they had experienced what their child experienced. Two moms who had just met practiced voluntary stuttering with each other and both were visibly moved and teary eyed. They felt a powerful connection. We then finished with having everyone try a Chinese finger trap and feel how it feels to get stuck during a block. It was a good way to end the adult workshop. We had all shared powerful emotional moments with each other. I felt very proud and honored to be a part of that with my friend Joe and new friends from Syracuse.

The kids joined the adults as we concluded the day and shared with us what they had worked on during their workshop. Some of these kids had NOT wanted to be at this workshop. Their parents had strongly encouraged them to come. The kids made a video of what its’ like to stutter in public and get made fun of. It was amazing to see this, and listen as the kids excitedly answered questions about how they worked together to act this out. The kids were grinning from ear to ear. They had learned something about their own stuttering on this sunny Saturday. And the looks of pride on the adult faces was unmistakable.

A mom came up to me as we were leaving and asked if it was OK to give me a hug. She said she always thought it was her job to fix her kid. She said she feels relief to know that acceptance can be part of her job too. My eyes welled up along with hers.

Yep, it was a great way to spend a Saturday. I feel lucky to be a part of something I never thought I could do. All the smiles and tears will stay with me for a long time.

Has stuttering ever held you back? Have you ever been surprised to see that you CAN do something you never thought you  could?  Do you think its important for parents of kids who stutter to talk to and listen to adults who stutter?

I had a great phone conversation last night with a person who stutters who is preparing for and participating in job interviews. We talked about how important it is to communicate with confidence, even on words that we may stutter on. This person has finished his medical training to become a doctor and he is interviewing for residencies at hospitals.

He uses speech tools to manage his blocks, which he feels is very important in presenting himself at interviews. He finds the use of bouncing and prolongation to be most helpful in managing his speech, but mostly, helping him feel confident as he goes into interview situations, which we know are highly anxious situations anyway, but especially for a person who stutters.

He practices his speech tools every day, and was eager to explain bouncing to me. He started off by bouncing 4 or 5 times on the beginning part of every word until he was feeling no tension. He then reduced the bouncing to one or two times per word, and now only uses it when he feels a block coming on, He also uses some prolongations as well, again, to help him produce difficult words confidently.

He encouraged me to try it with him over the phone. He asked me to say 5 sentences and bounce at least 4 times at the beginning of each word. I felt VERY self-conscious doing this. I explained that I tend to stutter more on the phone than I do face-to-face. I am also uncomfortable using speech tools, because in a way I feel tools make me covert again.

This conversation reminded me of two similar discussions this past week. On Sunday, I spoke with friend Ridwan  who is feeling very frustrated about his lack of success on many recent interviews. He has a Masters degree in engineering and has interviewed with many employers, but so far, has had no call backs for a second interview or no job offers.

He feels very discouraged and wonders if his stuttering is getting in the way. Ridwan and I did a mock interview over the phone, and we focused on preparing answers to questions about strengths, leadership ability and career goals. We also discussed when in the interview you should bring up stuttering and how much emphasis one should place on this. After all, employers are hiring people who can do the engineering job, not who happen to stutter. We concluded with Ridwan mulling over the possibilities of calling potential employers and asking if he could do an internship with them, to get his foot in the door and acquire needed experience.

On Monday night, in self-help group, one member was talking about his lack of success in job interviews. He too stutters, and feels very discouraged and frustrated by the lack of offers coming his way. He went so far as to say he “hates his stutter” and that for him, “stuttering is a nightmare”. Fellow support group members offered him advice and support.

Today’s job market is challenging and daunting. Many people are out of work, struggling to find jobs that were once plentiful. A person who stutters has to carefully analyze interview preparations and be sure he or she is absolutely putting their best foot forward. One of the best tools might just be practicing interview questions with a trusted friend or family member, and working on sounding assertive and confident.

It is not easy, this economic and employment situation we find ourselves in. As a career counselor in a high school, it is tough for me to offer good advice to students who are on the cusp of transition from school to work or higher education. I encourage many of my students to go on to college. More education is proven to help advance people in their particular career pathways.

I also encourage students and job seekers to fully examine their transferable skills. Being able to communicate with confidence and conviction during interviews is critical. But remember, communication does not include 100% fluency. We can stutter and still be very effective communicators.

What advice would you offer to people seeking employment in today’s job market? Can stuttering be an asset?  How can you best disclose stuttering in a job interview?

Yesterday, I talked with two very special people. In both conversations, I felt very safe. Both people’s names begin with J, so I will try to distinguish our conversations.

Late in the afternoon, I spoke with mentor J. He helped me process some confusion I felt recently over being too trusting with people and letting my guard down. I am trying to understand why I do that so quickly. We talked about the very human desire to connect with other people, and feel safe when doing it.

For so long, I did not trust myself enough to let go and be honest with people. I always censored what I was going to say. Sometimes, it was because I was afraid of how I would sound (literally) and sometimes I was afraid what would happen if I let people get too close. Part of that comes from being disappointed over and over again in relationships, but not seeing how to re-frame that so I wouldn’t get burned.

When my feelings started thawing, I realized how much I want and need to be connected with other people. So I have sometimes rushed in and let my guard down too much. In my eagerness to connect, I trusted too much and sometimes got burned. And was reminded of the basic need we all have not only to be connected but to feel safe.

Our discussion reminded me of the basic premise of human development from Psychology classes. I am sure we all remember Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. The very basic of human needs is safety. And that includes both physical and emotional safety. Even when we are sharing emotional stuff with each other, we have to remember to establish boundaries and recognize red flags.

The other person I talked to last night was special friend JR. She called me, to reach out and share (like the old telephone commercial 🙂 ). We both have been going through some tough stuff and we both felt OK admitting that to each other and talking about how it feels to be down. We shared some good stuff and not so good stuff. And felt safe doing it.

We all need that from someone. To be able to connect deeply and without shame, and feel safe doing it. Even in an unsafe world, it feels good that we can still have that. But we have to be smart and realize that trust has to be earned, and that it is a two-way street. When you get burned, it stings for a while and you pull back.

Do you have people who you feel safe with? And do you know what to do when you don’t? Usually, it is best to trust your instincts.

This entry has nothing to do with stuttering but everything to do with life. It’s about how precious life is and how one can find meaning and beauty everywhere, even when we are not looking and our eyes are closed.  Today I want to share about a powerful book and encourage you to read it. It is about how one man is transformed by an unlikely encounter with God (whoever that means to you), after a very traumatic life event.  As my post title tells us, the book is The Shack by Wm Paul Young.

I am not a deeply religious person, but I believe that spirituality is connected to how we live our life and the people who we meet. I signed up for a workshop to be held next week. The workshop is on exploring friendships, and mentioned that this book would be the springboard for the discussion. I had not heard of  The Shack, so I  looked it up on-line and was intrigued. I started reading it last night and was immediately pulled in.

If you at all question why certain things happen or why we sometimes have to endure very painful situations, this book provides answers. It also provides ample opportunity to think, reflect, look into your own heart and soul, and put voice to the questions you may have deeply hidden.

One of the most stunning aspects of this story to me is how God is revealed to the main character, Mack. It is done in a surprising way, that “mixes metaphors and keeps Mack (and you, the reader) from falling so easily back into our religious conditioning”. The author removes stereotypes so that we are free to  consider possibilities and explore the relationships we have, and want to have.

I have not finished reading yet, as I am savoring every word. It is a work of fiction, but clearly an important one that needs to be shared. The “after words” section of the book asks readers to pass this along. One of the suggestions was to post information about this incredible story on our blog or web sites. It is also suggested that we could write a review of the book, but then we risk spoiling it for first-time readers. So, I am sharing this with you in the hopes that you will be curious enough to find and read The Shack.

We all have questions about who we are and why we are, and about the context of our relationships. Right? Lately, I have been forced to look deep inside more and more.  That is OK. I am learning. We all can. It is never too late.

My sister came to visit me today. We are both going through changes in our lives. She needed some help and I was able to provide it to her. We had a simple lunch together and shared and talked. She noticed something on my coffee table about stuttering and asked if I thought my stuttering had anything to do with the chaos we grew up with.

I told her that it is thought that stuttering is genetic and neurologically based, but that indeed environment plays a role in whether a child predisposed to stutter will stutter. She said she thought she had some of the problems she does due to the environment we grew up in.

My sister also left some books with me. She knows I love to read. I really need to get back to that. It is so pleasurable to read and get lost in the beauty of words.

One of the books she gave me is called “Daily Affirmations”. I turned to the page for today, October 31, and cried as I read this, as it fit perfectly for me today.

It resonated with me so much, I want to share it here.

On this day, I affirm what I see, what I feel and what I sense are real – I can trust myself. I validate my experiences, my senses and my intuition.

As a child, I was influenced by the “no talk” rule in my family,and I came to mistrust my perceptions. The constant denial that there was a problem in my home led me to believe that I was the one who was crazy. This pattern, more than any other, has caused me hurt and disappointment.

How many times have I disregarded my own warning signals? I have entered relationships that I knew were bad for me. I have rushed into situations that I knew were dangerous. How many times must I continue to walk into the same brick wall and bruise myself?

For years I’ve tried to move the wall. Today I will walk in a different direction. I am learning to avoid hurt by seeing people and situations for what they are – not for what I wish them to be. I am extremely capable of perceiving what is real. I will judge what lies ahead of me and make decisions in my own best interest. (Copyright 1985, Rokelle Lerner).

Wow! I read and re-read this several times. I have had many brick walls. Some I have climbed over, some are still in my way.

I recognize that so many times I have let my past, my stuttering, and fear make decisions for me. I cannot allow that. As I said in a post many months ago, I have “to do me”.  It is OK to do me. I seem to have lost sight of that. This affirmation reminded me that I need to get on course. The words tore into me and really got me thinking. Thanks Trish! (another sister I am getting a little closer with).

What about you?  Can you trust your perceptions?  Do you make decisions based on your needs or based on what you think others want you to do?

“Beyond the gates of right and wrong, there is a field. I will meet you there.”  (Rumi – sometime many years ago)

When I heard this recently, it resonated so deeply. I had a friend who lived by this every day. She is no longer with us, but she was one of those special people who believed in each person’s innate goodness, unconditionally. She never judged, and never saw life in absolute rights and wrongs. She lived in that field, and invited people to join her there.

The world is full of people who judge, and who can’t look beyond something we did or said, and hold that against us. Just as the world is full of people who judge us on how we sound or how we look or how measure up or don’t. And when we are judged, it is hard not to take it personally.  At one time or another all of us may have allowed another person’s judgement of us, right or wrong, to sully how we think of ourselves. As much as we know we should not, we internalize when people judge us from what they see or hear or interpret.

People who stutter are often judged unfairly. We are often presumed to be anxious, nervous, shy, emotional or less intelligent. If we internalize that, we can come to believe that we really are inferior to others. Many myths still abound about stuttering, because not enough of us who stutter do what we can to raise awareness and educate others. Each time that we stutter openly and with courage, we are educating someone who may not understand that experience. It is up to us be upfront, explain what stuttering is, encourage questions and be assertive. That also helps tremendously with our desensitization and helps us overcome fear of stuttering openly.

If we are judged negatively, we should try to take it in stride and not let it get under our skin. I did that for a long time, let it bother me, almost let it consume me. Not just stuttering, other things as well, but stuttering was certainly part of the formula.  There is no right or wrong with stuttering. It is part of who we are and part of what makes us so unique.

Negativity begets negativity,and being positive does the same. A very wise person recently gave me some simple, sage advice on how to handle negative energy, criticism and judgment. He said:

Remain “conscious” and fully “present”.. don’t panic.  Remember, your calmness can engulf the whole cosmos, if it is “total”, if it is “spontaneous”..

None of us are perfect. We need to remember that in a world that strives to be perfect. None of us should cast the first stone. My friend is surely looking down and smiling in approval as she realizes I remember her belief in people’s goodness. Rumi said it best – lets meet in the field. There is plenty of room.

What do you do when you are judged negatively? Can you let it go, with grace? I am going to continue to strive to do that.

Just a quick note . . . . . I have a good friend that I used to work with about two years ago. We keep in touch more now that we don’t work together than when we saw each other every day at work. She was always very comfortable with my stuttering in the work place, and would ask me questions sometimes, like did my stuttering vary or increase according to certain circumstances.

I remember one time she commented to me (and prefaced it with, “no offense intended”), after being with you for a while, I notice that I stutter a little bit for a day or two afterwards. At first, I didn’t know what to make of her mentioning that my stuttering was “rubbing off on her”, but then I just laughed, because it was kind of funny. And I actually noticed her stutter a bit sometimes after hanging out with me.

It also reminded me of when I myself have visited Southern states – Louisiana or Texas – that for a day or two afterward,  I find myself speaking with a bit of a southern drawl! What’s up with that? And I’ve had people ask, “do you realize that you’re talking with an accent?”

What do you think? Do you think its possible that someone can “pick up”another’s stuttering? Do you think a person who stutters might be offended by this? Or think they are being made fun of? Can speech patterns rub off on others?

Some of you may recall that good friend Lisa was recently a guest blogger here. She shared her story of her covert stuttering secret and how it impacted her life. As we all know, keeping our stuttering hidden takes an enormous amount of energy. We very often pay a huge emotional price as well for lugging around this big heavy secret.

Lisa has shared that bit by bit, she has been taking risks and being more open with her stuttering. And she has realized that she feels lighter when she is stuttering openly and just being herself. Well, she wrote to me last week and shared a wonderful story with me. It was so special, and caught at my heart right away. I felt so proud of Lisa, and asked her if we could share this chapter here on the Blog. Lisa was more than willing – she too thought it would be special to share this story of pride and triumph.

Here is what Lisa shared about a conversation she had with her sister.

Hi Pam, this is my sister’s response after reading the same ‘my feelings about my speech’ that I shared with you . . . . I told her everything(about my stuttering) last night and then explained all about you and what I wrote to you and she asked to read it . . . . I sobbed my eyes out, hope you don’t mind me sharing this with you . . . . .

Lisa’s sister, Leanne Robison October 19, 11:16pm, shares:

I read my sister’s speech that explained her feelings about her stuttering. . . . . I will admit I have only just found out the extent to which this secret has been going on. . . . after reading and talking to her,  I am soooo proud to call Lisa my sister. I have always looked up to my big sister. She has been my rock many times in my life. . . .  I have always gone to her with my problems and woes. She is my big sister and I would never ask about her issues or worries, but now I am a grown woman and  I am here for her. . . .  She has great courage and strength and for all that she has been through in her life this is just a blip!!  It doesn’t change her personality or ability to make people feel better. It doesn’t change the fact that she is a wonderful mother, friend, sister, auntie and daughter.  She is a fighter and healer. Lisa is my sister and MY inspiration. I AM PROUD OF HER. The mis-wording doesn’t change her. She will always be the person that tells me off, the person that I look up to. She will always be my sister and I love her more than I can tell her. I just hope she understands this. . . . . Lisa just be yourself…… you are unique, don’t try and change or hide this anymore.

This brought tears to my eyes when I read it the first several times. It was so beautiful and inspiring and shows how much courage and character Lisa has. I am proud to know her. She is doing wonderful things, and it is wonderful that she wanted to share. Lisa is making room for the stuttering in her life.

Lisa took another big step recently too. She is heard telling some of her story on how it felt to stutter on her name, on Danny’s wonderful podcast, “Stuttering Is Cool”. There are some other familiar voices here as well, but Lisa particularly shares her heart with us. Listen here!

Please be sure to leave a comment here, and share your thoughts with her. I have a feeling that stuttering is not going to make decisions for Lisa anymore. You Go Girl!

Adam wrote back to me and asked me to run another section of his story that he wanted told. He also commented on how much he appreciated the very positive support he received from many readers who took the time to respond and I wanted to share that as well.

I think Adam’s story is important enough to share again here. His perspective on what it’s like to feel imprisoned by severe stuttering needs to be shared. I hope his confidence is growing from the support he is getting here. I really would love to see Adam share more of his story on his own blog, or consider doing a guest segment on a podcast. Adam, you have a lot to share with the world.

I just wish everybody who responded to my first entry on Pam’s blog were my family. You guys are the best family I could ever ask for….

The only way a stutterer will be understood, no matter what degree their stuttering, is with other stutterers because we all share a common bond…..

Ever since you mentioned me calling you, Pam or you calling me to speak or stutter, I have wanted to contact you verbally very much. But the thing is, I just can’t. I want to have a MEANINGFUL CONVERSATION on the phone with anyone at anytime. I stutter so horrendously awful, that I couldn’t do it. I would not be able to make a call to you or anyone who I miss without a stuttering device or speech therapy that would work or is right.

I would love to call you, but it would need to be with an anti-stuttering device, or someone else would need to be able to verbalize my thoughts because I sure can’t verbalize them. It kills me to think someone needs to say what I want to . . . .because of the fact I can’t on my own.

Another situation. I had this incredible lovable best friend science teacher in 8th grade. And to this day, she is still very dear to me, and I have not forgotten her. She saw so much good in me, and I felt the same way about her. Her personality could melt a Scrooge’s heart.

I have wanted to call her SO BAD because I miss her dearly. Do you know why I don’t call her?  My extreme stuttering would destroy a heartfelt and meaningful conversation with this dear friend and former teacher who changed my life.

I simply want to call her to ask if she has my address so she can send me a Christmas card and a birthday card in July. But how will she understand what I am asking when I can’t verbalize it?

I feel that my own severe stuttering is isolating me from the things that I really want to do. Such as this call to my 8th grade science teacher. I want her to hear the happy jubilant young man who made her glad to be a friend and teacher to others. I don’t want her to hear a verbally messed up person. Because that’s how I think of myself.

If I stuttered far less, and was adequately clear, I would do SO much more,  like ask girls out, go on dates, call this special teacher of mine.  This teacher needs to know how much her family is important to others and me. But extreme stuttering just makes me re-coil. I want to do something but I know I can’t.

I have tried calling her, but LUCKILY, and I mean LUCKILY, no one picks up the phone. I get the answering machine. I never ever leave a message, because I don’t want her or her equally hilarious husband to think there is someone drunk or nuts on the machine.

So making a call to Susie Q, as I endearingly call her, or Mrs. Potrikus or Mrs Po. as me and students called her as students, is out for now. I need a better way to express myself via a device or some meaningful therapy that I can’t afford.

So as you can see, I am in a social and emotional bind because of this extreme stuttering. It’s not today or yesterday or the day before, Pam. It’s weeks, months, and YEARS of stuttering and with no resolve for it. It’s wanting something others take for granted and something that comes easily and readily. Self-expression.

Every Monday night I go to a group for adults who stutter, which is then followed by therapy provided by graduate student clinicians. I came to the college early Monday because I had been asked to speak to one of the Fluency classes about my experiences with stuttering. I always enjoy doing that and think its a mutual learning process.

After speaking to the class, we had an hour until the adult group started. I had brought a book with me and planned to snatch some reading time for a few minutes. But something better happened.

A couple of people who had been in the Fluency class came over and sat with me. One guy, Brandon, had also talked with the class and shared his stuttering story. He always prepares so well and takes the opportunity so seriously. He and I started talking a bit about what we shared and why we feel it is so important to do so.

We then started talking about feelings and challenges that we still find ourselves faced with. Brandon said he likes to listen to how I describe my stuttering. He said the feelings are always so genuine and he appreciates hearing the realness. I said something like, “well, sure I’m real, there’s no other way to be, right?’ Brandon went on to say: “Pam, it’s really special how you describe your experiences. With all the stuff that you do, reaching out, putting stuttering out there, volunteering, I always thought you went from point A one day to being totally OK with stuttering the next day. Like it was an overnight process. It’s good for me to hear that it wasn’t like that, that you still deal with ‘the stuff’  too. It reinforces that there’s no magic involved, that its hard work, and that it takes time. It’s a process. It’s just so good for me to hear that you go through ‘the stuff’ too. Its inspiring!”

I just looked at Brandon and thanked him. At first, I was kind of embarrassed, but then I felt really good that he shared that with me. It’s not magic. This journey sure is hard work. We have our ups and downs. Sometimes, it seems like we have more downs than up. But the journey is infinitely easier when we can share it with each other.

Thanks Brandon! It feels special when someone chooses to share something this honest.

What about you? Is it easier for you to share this journey with someone else? Does it have to be another person who stutters?

As many of you know, I have had a major transition in my life. With that comes change. Change is often scary and overwhelming, and many people resist change, even when we know it will be better for us.

It took me a long time to find the courage and confidence to make a needed change in my life. I feel in my heart that I did the right thing, even though I am very much experiencing varied emotions. But this is how change works. It takes us for a ride, and has us up and down for a while, until things level out.

All of this change has had an impact on my stuttering. I have noticed more repetitions and stoppages. I have definitely been more tired, stressed and emotional lately, which I know increases my rate of speech, which means more stuttering. I am sure we all can relate to this.

I did a quick video update to share with you, because, well, I was in the mood to and I think I can explain what has been going on maybe a little better verbally than in writing this time.

What do you think? Does stress and change increase your stuttering moments? Or do you think, like Danny (www.stutteringiscool.com) mentioned, that it’s just “mercury being in retrograde” that spells more stuttering moments? Please share your thoughts.