Lisa and I had a poignant, emotional discussion the other night about what happens with the people around us when we change the way we stutter.

For example, when I first started stuttering more openly after years of trying to hide it, people closest to me were clearly impacted. They had been used to me one way, and now I was talking another way. My ex-partner had never heard me stutter openly, so he  didn’t get what I was doing. He never knew I stuttered, and it caused tension between us when I finally let my stuttering out.

Most recently, he commented that I must be stuttering like this because I hang around other people who stutter. He would also say, after overhearing me on the phone, things like, “No offense, but you sounded really awful. Are you OK?” Some of my family was uncomfortable too. They would get nervous-looking and avoid eye contact with me. One sister thought it was cool, though. She would say, “Finally, your being yourself.” Stuttering differently certainly brings various reactions from those around us.

Lisa wanted to talk about what has been going on with her pre-teen daughter, who had always been supportive and understanding of her mum’s stuttering. Lisa shared that her daughter would supply words for her when they ordered in restaurants, as a help for her mum. And the younger girl would as well. They really didn’t have any problem’s with mummy stuttering, because it was usually well hidden.

Well, as Lisa has been stuttering more overtly, the people around her have reacted. Her sister shared that she was so proud and inspired by Lisa’s choice to be “true to herself.” Her partner has been supportive and interested in learning more about stuttering.

Lisa’s pre-teen daughter has reacted a little differently. One day last week, Lisa reprimanded her daughter, and for the first time, daughter mimicked mum’s stuttering, saying “a-a-a-a-a-actually.’ Lisa was stunned and hurt, as her daughter had never done that. Lisa shared with me that her daughter realized she had hurt her mum’s feelings, as she voluntarily came back to mum and apologized. Still, the mimicking, and hurt, had happened.  Lisa has an amazingly close relationship with her daughter. That’s why she was so surprised and hurt when this happened. And it also explains why Lisa’s daughter knew instinctively she had hurt her mum and apologized right away.

Moreover, in the same week, Lisa learned that her daughter had not told her about a parent-teacher conference at the school. Lisa fears it was because her mum’s new open stuttering embarrasses her daughter.

We talked about it, and agreed that our changing stuttering affects those around us. Of course, it is going to. It’s almost like meeting a new person. Lisa asked what I thought. I do not have my own children, but I shared that I would have probably felt bad and hurt too I also reminded Lisa that something or another that their parents do or say embarrasses teenagers all over. It’s a universal part of the teenage angst process.

If it wasn’t Lisa’s stuttering, it would surely be something else. Not that it makes it any easier. We don’t like it when our feelings are hurt, especially by our loved ones. But it happens. Sometimes the people closest to us say mean and hurtful things. In Lisa’s case, I shared my opinion that she should continue to talk with her children about her stuttering, encourage them to ask questions and express their feelings. And keep communication open. We all have differences that we need to tolerate and respect.

Lisa still hasn’t told her mom about her stuttering secret. She had thought about asking her sister to do it for her, but thinks it best that she do this herself. When she finds the courage. Sometimes it is our closest family members that we have the hardest time with being open and honest.

This reminds me of when I was child. I always felt that I embarrassed my father. That is why he was so critical of me when I did stutter. That’s why I chose not to talk most of the time, so I wouldn’t stutter and be an embarrassment to my family. That was a heavy burden to carry around for a kid. I am glad the burden has got lighter recently.

What do you think? How would have responded to a similar situation? Have you ever felt you were an embarrassment to your family?