Thank you for your paper and your contributions of the stuttering community. It presents a thoughtful and interesting adaptation of the theme of a classic piece of literature. Could there be a Martian Venusian? Consider it like the case of having two passports. The person is a Venusian by heritage but is a Martian by birth. This person has been to Venus and has many Veniusian friends but was dismayed and discouraged by a culture that emphasized expression of feelings, acceptance of difference and empathy rather than a results orientation and survival of the fittest. Therefore, the person stayed a Martian because Martians emphasize achievement, survival, and independence. Three of the most prominent and most cited examples of overcoming stuttering are by Martians, James Earl Jones, John Stossel, and Jack Welch. Likewise, many of the non-SLP leaders in the stuttering community are Martians. Should overcoming stuttering be a goal and if so what role does being a Martian (either native or naturalized) play in one’s ability to do so? What is the role of the stuttering community in teaching Venusians Martian-like behaviors to become a leader and thereby overcome stuttering? Also, as you rightly point out, there are Martians who feel more comfortable with a Venusian existence. Should that be encouraged at the expense of achievement?
Author Archive
Don’t Choose Silence
Posted on: October 22, 2013
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Today is International Stuttering Awareness Day, a day that recognizes the 1% of the global population that stutters or stammers.
Stuttering is a complicated speech disorder that involves so much more than what (or what does not) come out of our mouths. Stuttering is defined as the involuntary disruption of the normal flow of speech.
It can be characterized by sound repetitions, hesitations, prolongations and blocking, where no sound comes out when the speaker tries to speak. A person who stutters may also exhibit struggle behavior, such as tension or facial grimaces when trying to get their words out.
Stuttering also involves the feelings that go along with not being able to speak fluently. People who stutter often feel enormous shame, fear, guilt, and inadequacy. People who listen to those who stutter often don’t know how to react – and may react negatively, such as roll their eyes, laugh, mock or mimic or walk away.
When those negative listener reactions happen, a person who stutters may feel humiliated or demoralized.
Very often, people who stutter will try to do everything they can to not stutter, because of poor social reactions and those complex feelings under the surface.
Sometimes, people will choose not to speak. They may avoid speaking situations purposely. They may feel they shouldn’t burden others with how they sound or how long it takes for them to speak. They may feel so ashamed that they feel they don’t deserve to speak.
I stutter and have for many years. I have experienced the complicated feelings of fear, shame and embarrassment. I have purposely avoided speaking situations and missed out on life opportunities. Fortunately, I don’t do that anymore.
Don’t you do that either. Whatever you do, don’t choose silence. When we’re silent, we are not connected and engaged with the world. Use your voice and make it be heard. Use speech tools if it helps you, and talk to other people who stutter. But just don’t choose silence. The world needs your voice.
There are many resources available for people who stutter. Here are just a few.
National Stuttering Association
FRIENDS – The National Association for Young People Who Stutter
The British Stammering Association
Again, whatever you do, don’t choose silence. Choose to make your voice heard.
Women Who Stutter Are From Venus
Posted on: October 17, 2013
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If you get a chance, please read my paper called “What Women Who Stutter Want To Talk About” that has been presented at this year’s ISAD Conference.
In my paper, I talk about John Gray’s classic book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus., where Gray suggests there are differences between the communication styles and emotional needs of men and women.
I draw some parallels to how this fits with the stuttering experience.
I have received many interesting comments from readers, mostly graduate students aspiring to be SLPs. Most note appreciation that this paper gave people something to think about when considering the different needs of people who stutter.
One comment however suggests that women should be taught to be more like men, so that stuttering can be overcome and so that women can be leaders. I was a bit concerned about this comment and its implications. Here’s the comment – what do you think?
Speaking Of Being Assertive
Posted on: October 10, 2013
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I missed a good opportunity to practice being assertive last week and seize a chance to raise some stuttering awareness.
I am participating in my Toastmaster’s club’s Fall Contest this session, and at last week’s meeting, I had to give an evaluation of a target speech. My evaluation “speech” was to go for 2-3 minutes, with a 30 second grace period. I clocked in at 3:11.
To help the contestants get good feedback and prepare for the next round of competition, everyone at the meeting was asked to give us speakers some verbal feedback. It’s called “Round Robin Evaluation.”
It’s a bit intimidating to have 10-12 people go around and share what they thought on how you performed. But it’s also excellent practice on how to receive constructive feedback. No one really wants to hear that you did something wrong or should improve this or that, but that is the whole point of Toastmasters, to help us learn and grow. If no one is brave enough to give honest feedback, then we miss opportunities to learn.
Mot people said I did a fine job – they highlighted the strong parts and several people mentioned one particular good idea I had suggested to the target speaker.
One guy shared his opinion that I seemed nervous and lacked the usual. confidence that I have. He noted that I tripped and stumbled over several words and knew that I “could do better, because he’s heard me do better.”
He was talking about my stuttering, which had been more pronounced than usual. I am usually very fluent at Toastmasters, because I project my voice and that seems to help with my fluency. But not that night. I was stuttering and he pointed it out as part of his feedback.
I was embarrassed, but don’t think I showed it. Not everyone in my club knows that I stutter, because there has been a lot of new people and I haven’t talked about it in a while.
My mind whirled after the feedback session. I didn’t want to be “judged” on my stuttering – but if he didn’t know, he could have attributed it to nerves.
I wanted to say something to him after the meeting, like “hey, I stutter!” But it didn’t seem appropriate. It was a Toastmasters meeting, not a meeting about stuttering. But it bothered me, and I feel like I missed an opportunity.
What do you think?
Stuttering And Assertiveness
Posted on: October 3, 2013
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A reader asked me if could write about assertiveness and offer some tips about how to be assertive while stuttering. Good topic, as we all might need gentle reminders about what being assertive really is.
Being assertive involves advocating for yourself in a way that is positive, proactive and respectful. It also means being clear, direct and honest.
It’s not always easy to be assertive. We may have been raised with stereotypical beliefs that men need to be aggressive and that women need to take care of others first. Or we might fear creating conflict, being criticized or rejected. Self esteem has a lot to do with how assertive we are.
I’ve had experience with not always “practicing what I preach.” I’ve encouraged individuals I’ve worked with for years to stand up and speak up for themselves. But it’s not easy. It’s a skill that takes practice. I still need to practice it.
It may be easier to scream at someone or swallow our feelings and not say anything, but being assertive is better because it respects you and others. It also helps us to stay calm and relaxed in stressful situations.
Stuttering openly can be stressful. We become vulnerable. Being comfortable and assertive and letting your needs be known can relieve stress.
Here are some tips for stuttering assertively:
Use “I” statements. Practice using “I” statements with someone you feel comfortable with. Saying “I stutter. I am OK with it and hope you are too” puts you comfortably in control of the communication encounter and gives your listener a cue as to how to react.
Maintain good eye contact. Practice maintaining eye contact while doing some voluntary stuttering. Maintaining eye contact is a sign of self-confidence.
Be brave enough to respond even when someone reacts negatively to your stuttering. If someone laughs or makes fun of your stuttering, consider saying something like, “hey, I stutter, and I really don’t like it when someone laughs at me. It hurts my feelings.” Consider practicing saying that with someone you trust.
Reframe negative thoughts into positive ones. When your mind says you can’t do something because you stutter, turn that around into an opportunity for a challenge.
Being assertive means letting your voice be heard and seizing speaking opportunities.
It also means being kind to yourself – if an attempt at being assertive doesn’t work, don’t swallow your feelings and revert to silence. Try again the very next time the opportunity presents itself.
ISAD 2013
Posted on: September 25, 2013
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This year’s International Stuttering Awareness Day (ISAD) online conference begins on October 1, 2013 and runs for three weeks through October 22, 2013.
Authors will present papers on a variety of topics relating to stuttering – attitudes and feelings, therapy techniques, research updates and personal experiences.
Presenters are a mix of people from the international stuttering community – people who stutter, family members of people who stutter, clinical therapists and scientific researchers. This is an exciting conference where different voices from all over the world are heard.
This will be a treasure trove of information on stuttering, and you will have the opportunity to interact with the paper authors and ask questions of professionals in the field.
Plan to check out the conference and plan to learn a lot. Spread the word!
Vulnerability Of Stuttering
Posted on: September 19, 2013
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Katherine Preston hits it out of the park again with a wonderful essay about how talking about her book brings her face to face with the very vulnerability most of us stutterers avoid.
Read her essay “An Unlikely Speaker: On Stuttering and the Memoir.” She talks about how audiences expect her to stutter because she’s talking about her life experience as a stutterer, and the stark vulnerability that brings.
It is a great reminder how very personal, how intimate it is to share our stuttering with someone else, known to us or a stranger. We expose ourselves and leave our self open to reactions that we cannot control. We hope that listener reactions will be patient and compassionate. They are not always.
Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with others reminds us how messy life is, and that we all have struggles. Bravo to Katherine for putting it so eloquently.
Did You See That Movie?
Posted on: September 9, 2013
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This past Saturday I had an appointment at a tax office. That’s right, talking taxes on a Saturday in September. Not the ideal way to spend a Saturday. And I was there for more than three hours.
She was doing most of the work and I was trying to act like I knew what she was talking about. We got to some small talk eventually and talked about school starting up again. I mentioned that once or twice a year I went into schools and talked to kids about differences and bullying and tolerance.
She mentioned that her own daughter had had a hard time in school because of being different. She shared a story about a classmate approaching her daughter and asking her to join in an activity. This woman remembers to this day how grateful she was to that kid for making her daughter feel included. She apologized for tearing up a little as she told me this story.
The woman heard me stutter a couple of times, and looked like she wanted to say something about it. I shared that I’ve stuttered since I was a young kid and its easier for me now as an adult. She said my stuttering wasn’t too noticeable until we started talking about it.
Then she asked me if I had seen the movie “The King’s Speech.” She went on to say how she saw it and loved it, and what did I think.
Then she commented: “Do people ask you if you’ve seen that movie just because you stutter?” I replied, “Yep!”
We then drifted back into the awful reality of talking taxes on a Saturday.
Do people ask you if you have seen stuttering related movies when you’ve been found out as a stutterer?
Advice For Kids Who Stutter
Posted on: September 4, 2013
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I am thrilled to be featured this week on my friend Daniele’s site, Stuttering is Cool. Daniele is working on a book offering advice and coping strategies for people who stutter. He is aiming for a Spring 2014 release of his book.
Daniele interviews me on who I am, what I do, my stuttering history and what advice I offer to kids who stutter. Check it out HERE!
Check out the drawing of me Daniele has done. He has done caricatures of people in the stuttering community that will be included in his book.
Very cool!
Back To School
Posted on: August 27, 2013
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It’s that time of year when it’s back to school or college. For young people who stutter, this can be a tough time, as it means meeting new people and teachers and having to introduce yourself, which can be very difficult for people who stutter.
Many people who stutter have trouble saying their own name, which of course results in often dumb comments by listeners, like the famous, “did you forget your name?” That’s happened to me as an adult, and it’s hard to take, so for kids and teens who stutter, it can be particularly tough.
I know a lot of young people who stutter who have learned how to self advocate and talk to their teachers about their stuttering, what it is and what the young person needs from his/her teacher in order to be their most successful.
I heard today from the mom of one of these great kids who is starting high school this year. Transitioning to high school is tough enough but add stuttering to the mix and it can be a terrible experience for kids who stutter. Fear, embarrassment and avoidance can become the norm unless the kid knows good self-advocacy skills.
My young friend wrote a letter to her teachers and met with the vice principal of her new high school to let him know she stutters, what will make things easier for her throughout the year and to ask his support in getting her letter to her teachers. The letter basically states, “Hey, I’m Anna and I stutter” and goes on to state what stuttering is and how she and her teachers can work together to ensure Anna has a positive and productive year.
I am so proud to know this kid. Being able to self-advocate is a skill we all need in order to successfully navigate through life. And this kid is 14.
Good for her.
What are you doing to get ready for back to school or college? Not even as a student – are you an adult who stutters who works in education and maybe tries to hide your stuttering? We can all learn from Anna!
Episode 108 features Roisin McManus who hails from Brooklyn, NY. Roisin works as a Registered Nurse in a Manhattan Emergency Room and is pursuing her master’s degree to become a Nurse Practitioner.
Roisin also stays busy with her involvement in the stuttering community and the stuttering support group she helps lead in Brooklyn.
Listen in to a robust conversation about managing stuttering and the emotions around stuttering, being confident in the workplace, the importance of support and how shame can sneak in when we least expect it.
We also talk about the workshop Roisin helped with at least month’s NSA conference on authentic stuttering, and the distinction between authentic stuttering and authenticity and the price we sometimes pay for both.
Roisin also shares about what it means for her to want to be witness to her own stuttering. We have a meaningful discussion about how important that is.
This was a great, wide open, honest conversation with a woman who talks a lot about stuttering, as she is also a co-host on the Stuttertalk podcast. I was thrilled to have Roisin as a guest, as we’d been trying forever to make this happen. I am glad it did – it was worth the wait.
Music used in today’s episode is credited to ccMixter.
Her Second Language-Episode 107
Posted on: August 5, 2013
Episode 107 features Rachel Martinez, who hails from Albuquerque, NM. Rachel just recently moved to Los Angeles, CA in order to pursue her dream of becoming a professional dancer.
Rachel introduces herself as “I’m a person who stutters, but that’s definitely OK.”
Rachel is a self-taught dancer and dreams of dancing for her career. She explains that when she dances, she doesn’t stutter, and wants to be known for her dancing, not her stuttering. She feels a freedom of expression when dancing.
Listen in as we discuss meeting at the National Stuttering Association annual conference – Rachel’s first one – meeting other people who stutter and support group meetings. We also talk about fear, and revealing your true self under all that stuttering.
The podcast safe music clip used in this episode is credited to ccMixter.
Feel free to leave comments or just let Rachel know what a great job she did. Remember, feedback is a gift.
When We Are Offended
Posted on: July 26, 2013
I participated in a discussion this week in one of the stuttering groups about how we react when we are offended. Specifically, someone started a thread about how thick-skinned we are when it comes to negative reactions to our stuttering.
We can’t account for another person’s ignorance, stupidity or callousness, but we have a choice as to how we act or react.
Do we get defensive, defiant or confrontational? Or do we take offensive remarks and behavior in stride and take an opportunity to educate folks about something they may know nothing about?
In that discussion, I shared that I “choose my battles” wisely. If a stranger mocks or laughs at me, and I’m likely not to see that person ever again, I probably will not say anything and just let it go.
But if someone I know makes fun of my speech, or someone I know I’ll see again, then I may seize the opportunity to educate and raise awareness. But that does require a thick skin and right motive.
In the past, when someone has been rude or hurtful, I would get very upset, tear up and often be too embarrassed to say anything. As I’ve become more comfortable with my stuttering, I have found the courage to disclose that I stutter and that their comment or behavior offended me.
I try not to disclose just so that someone feels bad and apologizes profusely, but will admit on more than one occasion I didn’t mind seeing the person squirm in embarrassment.
I remember the time when I was signing up for a new job and an administrative assistant laughed at me during conversation. At first, I didn’t say anything, thinking I must have misunderstood. But when it happened a second time while I was still speaking, I knew I had to say something.
I told her I stutter, and she immediately looked embarrassed and apologized profusely. She even said she never would have reacted like she did had she known I stuttered. We finished our business and before I left, she apologized again. I believe I educated her that day about stuttering and she may have become just a bit more tolerant and patient.
How do you react when someone offends you, whether intentional or not?
We Got What We Needed
Posted on: July 19, 2013
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There were many great workshops and highlights at last weekend’s National Stuttering Association annual conference. Workshops were available on research, therapeutic approaches, social media and relationships.
There were two great keynote speakers, who both actually stutter. We heard from Trumain McBride of the NY Football Giants and Katherine Preston, who recently published a memoir about her journey with stuttering.
We also heard about Cameron Francek’s 100stutterproject and Morgan Lott shared his story about how thisisstuttering came to be.
We got what we needed from this conference. There were so many people who have brought positive attention to stuttering this year and many of them were at this conference all at the same time.
In years past, there has been disappointment that keynote speakers were often people who “used to stutter” and didn’t actually stutter when speaking to us. So this year was special, in that hundreds of stutterers got to hear inspiring speeches and stories from Trumain, Katherine, Cameron and Morgan, among others, who stuttered openly and with confidence.
We got what we needed. People who stutter – especially young people who stutter – need successful role models who actually stutter to help us normalize the experience.
We also heard stories from many others – at Open Mics and at The Stuttering Monologues.
The whole point of attending a stuttering conference is to learn and think and talk about stuttering.
We got what we needed.
Reentry Can Be Hard
Posted on: July 16, 2013
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Last week was the annual NSA conference held in Scottsdale, AZ. It was a wonderful week, filled with talking, stuttering, workshops, stuttering, socializing, stuttering, and keynote speakers who stuttered.
For me it was a great chance to recharge, spend quality time with good friends and revisit my relationship with my stuttering in a healthy way.
During the year, I don’t always engage with my stuttering like I do when attending a conference with hundreds of other people who also stutter. At the annual conference, I allow myself the time to think about my stuttering, talk about it with others, both the good parts and not so good parts, and I allow myself to stutter freely.
That is one of the strongest benefits of attending a 3 or 4 day conference about stuttering. We are free to stutter openly, free of techniques if we wish. With that freedom to stutter openly also is the freedom from judgment and fear that many of us feel during “everyday life.”
After returning home from the conference, I felt like I was on “cloud nine.” I still felt the energy of the support and camaraderie from the people at the conference, and the acceptance that is fostered at such an event. I watched all of the Facebook posts from friends who were posting that they were feeling the same way.
I messaged and texted a few friends and we “debriefed” a bit and talked about the recharge and energy we felt.
And we also talked about how the reentry was. Reentry back to the “fluent world,” and the world where stuttering is the minority once again, can feel like a huge letdown. All of a sudden we’re back to reality and the “high” of the conference has dissolved and we’re back to the sometimes isolating existence of being the only one who stutters.
Reentry can be hard. It’s important to stay in touch with people from the conference, through social media, texting, phone or Skype. Staying in touch allows us to keep the positive feelings of support and acceptance longer. I have been in touch with friends Annie and Hanan, which has helped me stay grounded.
How do you deal with reentry after returning from such an empowering, affirming conference?
It’s A New Life – Episode 106
Posted on: July 14, 2013
Episode 106 features Amey Herrin, who hails from McDonough, Georgia, where she lives with her husband and young daughter.
Amey has a BS degree in psychology and did graduate work in UTEP (Urban Teaching Education Program). She plans to finish her degree in counseling and become a psychologist when her daughter is older.
Amey has been actively involved in stuttering advocacy and education for many years, speaking to schools, universities and SLP groups. She takes great pride in representing the stuttering community and helping people.
Listen in as we discuss Amey’s experiences with intensive speech therapy, covert to overt stuttering, and confident stuttering. We also talk about fear and pride.
According to Amey, “we can choose what kind of stutterer we’re going to be.”
This was a great, robust conversation. Feel free to leave comments or just let Amey know what a great job she did.
The podcast safe music used in this episode is credited to ccMixter.
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