Make Room For The Stuttering

In preparation for a talk I am doing next week to SLPs, I have done some extra reading of blogs and professional papers on stuttering. Not that I am not already an expert. An expert on my own stuttering, of course! I just like to have fresh ideas on my mind.

I have thought, what influences us when it comes to our stuttering or fluency? Is there certain environments or people who influence us in some way, or that we remember having some sort of impact on us? Even not specifically speech related, I have thought about some of the people or situations that have influenced my life in some way.

I feel like sharing them today. These are some significant people or instances that have made a real impact on me.

My father – my earliest memories are of him yelling at me for the way I talked, or for crying, or for not doing something good enough.

Sr Eleanor – a high school teacher who showed interest and cared about me and even came to my house once to meet my parents to help me figure out what was going on at home.

Wally – a counselor at the Catholic camp that I worked at for two summers (far away from home). Wally escorted me to my Senior prom.

Sonia – my first room-mate at college, who made me realize it was OK to be who I was, because try as I did, I couldn’t be her.

Latourian – the first kid I ever worked with that I just did not like and she did not like me. It was OK – neither of us died from the experience.

Mary – the first person I met at my very first NSA meeting. Listening to someone who talked like me and realizing she was like me, and totally normal, was very reassuring.

Peter – one of the first people who talked openly about the covert struggle. His openness inspired me to be more open about my “secret”.

Jim B- he publicly ridiculed me at work about my stuttering, propelling me to finally want to stand up and speak up for myself

Jean- a wonderful counselor, person and gift. She helped me through some dark times, and then faced her own. She is with the angels now, still watching over me.

Jay – he walks with me on this journey, helping me to see myself and feel my feelings. He allows me to be me when we are together and is not afraid to explore tough stuff.

Rich – my best friend for 23 years. We love and support each other unconditionally. He has helped me understand emotional intimacy.

Kim and Trish – two of my sisters. We have reconnected in a real way after so many years of absence. We lived the same childhoods, yet we are uniquely unique.

My mother – her sickness made me grow up so much faster than I would have had I had a choice.

Me – I have made many changes in the past several years. Sometimes I don’t even recognize  myself anymore. I ask. “Who’s that?”

Who has significantly impacted your life? How does it feel to think about these important people? I feel I have paid tribute to them, in some respect, even if the experience was not entirely positive.

Well, this is odd. I have stuttered much more lately, especially when talking on the phone. I am noticing definite blocks and regular repetitions, even on words that I don’t typically repeat. I am pretty sure this increase is due to more stress in my life, as I know my stuttering pattern most definitely follows the ebbs and flow of my life. And stress is not always bad. I have been busier, trying new things, meeting new people and not getting much sleep.

I do not like when I am stuttering more pronouncedly. I notice it much more and I am aware that I feel more tense when I am stuttering regularly, even when the stuttering is fairly relaxed and easy. When I can hear the stuttering, even if it does not sound particularly unpleasant, I find myself getting more tensed up.

What’s funny right now is that my stuttering support group started up last week after an almost two month hiatus. I have come to enjoy the support and good feelings that comes with hanging out with other people who stutter. It is reassuring to be with a group of people who “get it”, and are safe and nonjudgmental.

But I have intentionally missed the first two weeks of group. Why? I have no idea. This would seem to be the perfect time to “work on” my stuttering or at least be in a very supportive environment. But noooooo! For some reason, I have been resistant and have not wanted to go.

Maybe I so uncomfortable with my increased stuttering that I don’t even want other people who stutter to hear me? Maybe I don’t want to hear me publicly stutter? Maybe it is easier for me to stutter around people who don’t stutter now? I wish I knew. I do want to go to group next week. I talked with a friend last night who went and he of course wanted to know where I was and why did I miss the group?

I told him I was in a funk and didn’t feel in the right place to “deal with” stuttering. So now I must have a right place, huh? As if life is not complicated enough, now I need to be in a certain place. Maybe I am feeling some shame here, due to the increased stuttering. Maybe the old comfortable avoidance associated with my long-standing covert behavior is kicking back in. Maybe I am secretly anxious about a big talk I am doing next week to school-based SLPs and I want to be in a real good stuttering groove.

Geez!  What is going on? Does anyone else ever get in a funk like this? Where you are just kind of going through the motions? If you have an answer, please let me know!

Oh, the absolute irony. I finally felt awakened in a special way and had a smidgen of happiness, and then, just like that, it was taken  from me. Pouf, just gone, in an instant.

I had no idea how to react, except with much sadness and grieving. I found gentle, tender intimacy for a short time and it was beautiful and special and right. So when it left as quickly as it arrived, I felt hurt and pain and sadness.

My sister told me it was better to have experienced that, and lost it, than to not have experienced it at all. Sounds like a song. Not sure if it is true. Maybe.

Speaking of a song, this reminds me of one by Alanis Morissette called, “You Learn”.  She tells us that we learn through every life experience. We laugh, we learn; we cry, we learn; we hurt, we learn.

I know all that intellectually. It’s just that emotionally it is still hard to deal with pain and loss, no matter how old we are and no matter how accustomed to it we are. I am an old hand at rejection. It’s happened my whole life. I should be hardened to it.

But I am not. I feel deeply and am moved by both good and bad. Probably the result of not giving my self permission to feel for so long, and now the floodgates have been unleashed and I can’t stop the feelings anymore. Just like Alanis says, “I laugh, I hurt, I smile, I cry” and I learn. I learn how crazy vulnerable I am, and how much tender intimacy really means to me.

I am not sure if this has much to do with stuttering. It doesn’t have to. I know I am a totally different person now that I don’t keep the stuttering hidden anymore. I am more open, honest, and willing to take risks. My stuttering is part of the fabric of my life. So are my emotions. Finally. And hurt hurts. I am learning.

Have you ever experienced something like this, so quickly, so suddenly? And you had no idea what to make of it?

Feedback is a gift. Good or bad, we need it from other people. We need to know how other people are thinking or feeling. We need feedback to understand certain situations, to figure out how to do new things or to know if we are on the same page. We need feedback to validate ourselves. We may think we don’t – that we don’t need anybody, that we are a rock, an island – but in fact, we all do at some time.

Some of us have a hard time receiving feedback. I always felt uncomfortable hearing negative feedback, or “constructive criticism” as it is oft called. If I was criticized, I always had a tendency to take it to heart and to think of myself as a bad person or that I had failed in some way. Even minor criticism could bring tears to my eyes. Still does, some times. I tend to be too hard on myself.

I have been much better at receiving and giving feedback over the last several years, as I began to let it in and allow myself to actually feel the emotions that comes with feedback. For not only did I have trouble accepting negative feedback, but I had the same trouble receiving positive feedback. I never thought I deserved praise or compliments. Much of that goes back to my childhood, when I really only got negative feedback and grew up thinking I was bad, flawed, inferior. It takes a long time to break away from internalizing bad stuff. These days, I can and do allow positive feedback in, but very often it still brings me to tears, because it is so new and parts of me still doesn’t quite believe I deserve it.

I gave a speech last night to my Toastmasters club on how to give feedback and quality evaluations. People have a hard time doing this. I asked the audience to come up with some of the reasons why people struggle with offering feedback. We sometimes feel unqualified, we might be afraid of hurting the speaker’s feelings, or we worry that being honest will not be encouraging for the speaker. When I first joined Toastmasters, I never would have guessed that some three years later I would feel comfortable enough to share some advice on how to offer feedback.

Everybody thought I did a good job. I got a good evaluation from a veteran Toastmaster. He did remind me that I shouldn’t have concluded by saying “thanks”. The audience should have thanked me. I know that – I have shared that with other people. I felt good after hearing positive feedback.

The person who served as grammarian reported that there were a few filler words during the evening, and that some of us repeated some words. He specifically commented that I had repeated several words – “Toastmaster, Toastmaster”, “feedback, feedback”, “language, language”, “chose, chose”.

Guess what I immediately thought as I heard this? Did I stutter on those words? He doesn’t know I stutter. He is a second-time visitor from another club. Did I really do whole word repetitions like that? Was it obvious enough that he felt he needed to take note of it like he did? Amazingly, I let his 15-second report make me second guess how good I had felt about nailing my speech and sharing something valuable with the group.

I even found myself wondering as I left: “Hmmmm, I wonder if any of the regulars in my club will go up to him and let him know I stutter? I think its possible someone might have felt obliged to do that. I hoped no one did. I don’t want to be “judged” any differently than any other person taking a risk and giving a Toastmaster’s speech. I want to be able to take feedback in the spirit it is meant. To help us be aware of things we may want to work on or improve or just be aware of.

What do you think about feedback? How do you receive it? Do you think it was OK for me to ponder what he said the way I did? Or am I just way too sensitive to my stuttering?

It has happened all week. Every time I have answered the front desk phones, I have stuttered on the word “help”. Every time. It is usually an easy, relaxed double or triple repetition of the “h”. No other word, just that one. And I knew I would stutter on it each time.

It hasn’t bothered me too much, because no one on the other end of the phone has reacted in any way. It has just been a little blip. But what has bothered me has been when anyone from the office has heard me stutter or someone walked by when I was on the phone and waved or something, at the exact minute I stuttered. That made me feel self-conscious. I am not sure why – it just has.

I found myself actually trying to use a speech target a couple of times. Can you believe it? I was feeling so self-conscious about it that I intentionally tried to slow down before saying “help” or gently trying to slide into the “h”. Nope – didn’t work! All week it has been “h-h-help”.

I just answered the phone now and did the usual, “May I h-help you?” I found myself rolling my eyes at myself. And I surprised myself doing that. Why has it bothered me all week? Who cares? I shouldn’t. But I do.

It is part of human nature to be aware of doing something we wish we didn’t, whether we have control over it or not. Most of the time, I am pretty OK with my stuttering, but I did find myself wishing that I didn’t answer the phone like this EVERY time this week. I did briefly think of changing what I should say, to drop the dreaded “h” sound, but quickly decided against that.

I am not going to do that. Then I wouldn’t be saying what I want or need to say. And thats what it is all about, right?

What do you think? Do you still find yourself feeling self-conscious sometimes, foolishly? What kind of conversation do you have with your self when this happens? Please share your thoughts.

I started writing this post a while ago. It may have been while watching “Dancing With The Stars”. I heard this phrase somewhere or made some connection with the differences in dance styles. My life was starting to feel too much like a tango for a while – tense, terse, tight. Everything. My schedule, my reactions, my speech, my relationship, just everything. I didn’t realize for a long time that I simply wanted to waltz – slowly, smoothly, simply, and enjoy the music and the dance at the same time.

I never learned to dance. I always feel awkward at a wedding or a party. I don’t dance, for fear of looking silly or vulnerable. But I know now that I have really wanted to dance gracefully through my life, and I think I am finally doing it.

My life changed completely when I let my stuttering out and began to openly acknowledge and accept. I just didn’t realize it right away. That was the window opening, and now the door has opened as well. I am finally doing things I want to do, and not feeling guilty. I am getting pleasure out of simple things, and realizing how nice that really is.

I didn’t even realize I was doing the tango all the time. Now that I am waltzing, I can feel the difference. I feel free and relaxed. Happier. I still don’t know exactly what I want, but I sure am enjoying figuring things out.

Waltzing is far easier on the feet and soul and heart. I don’t have to waltz perfectly, I can just sort of sway to life’s  music and enjoy it. Waltz or tango? I think it has a lot to do with acceptance. The more I accept my self for who I am, the more I am willing to take chances.

Yeah, I like waltzing. It seems much more peaceful.

Speaking of peace, my dove of peace looks really good now. All healed. Kind of a signal. That I am finally finding peace. And as a reminder it sits on my shoulder.

Which would you rather do? Waltz or tango? Both forms of dance have their benefits, and maybe a place in our lives. Right? I just happen to want to waltz at this time in my life.

My friend Loretta gave a heartfelt, inspiring speech at our Toastmaster’s club meeting last Tuesday. It was her milestone 10th speech, earning her CC (Competent Communicator) designation. I remember when Loretta first joined our club about a year ago. We hit it off right away.

She shared being terrified of public speaking, despite having a very visible job in Human Resources.  When she gave her first ice breaker speech, I felt for her, as her anxiety reminded me of how I felt when I gave my first speech.

I remember feeling scared, inadequate, vulnerable and embarrassed. My first speech was the first time I would acknowledge my stuttering to a group, and I was choosing a group of strangers at Toastmasters. But doing it gave me the courage and confidence to keep going, and continue talking.

Loretta had asked me almost immediately if I would mentor her. I felt so honored that she thought enough of me to want me to help her through the first couple months of  Toastmasters and help her prepare for the first 3 speeches. To myself, I thought, “oh wow, I might not be good enough. Does she really want someone who stutters to be her mentor? Will I do a good enough job?”

I used to have self-defeating nergative self-talk with myself all the time. Thankfully, I don’t do that much any more!

Back to her speech! Loretta challenged everyone to look at their lives, and see if we are really living the life we want  to live. If we are not, then we need to ask ourselves why. What is standing in the way? What is limiting us from being who we want to be?

All of us hung on every word as Loretta spoke. She chose the right words, emphasized with tone at the right times, and really had us thinking. She offered several tips for what we could do if we realize that we are “settling”. Things like unbundling, recognizing excuses, and fear of failure.

Have you ever settled? Have you ever thought that you don’t deserve more or better, so what you have is good enough?

All of us have a right to  live the life we want to lead. It is up to us to honestly look at what we want and what stands in the way. Her four simple words in her title resounded throughout her talk – “If Not Now, When?”

Settling! Sometimes we don’t pursue our dream job, for fear that we are not good enough, or if we stutter, no one would want us. Sometimes we fear pursuing the relationship we want, being afraid to tell a person how we really feel, or again, because of some imperfection, we may not be wanted. Fear of rejection often has us settling for far less than we really want.

Loretta’s question was really asking: “What are we waiting for?” We can’t let life pass us by. I have been doing that. I don’t want to anymore. What about you?

Life is full of expectations. We expect something from everyone, from every situation we enter into, and we often have very high expectations of ourselves. 

At Christmas time, children expect that Santa will know where they live to leave the coveted toys they had wanted under the tree. As they eagerly unwrap the present, their anticipation is palpable. You can see their excitement as they impatiently tear open the package and dive in. The belief in Santa Claus remains affirmed for at least one more year. But if the package holds something not anticipated, the expectant glow can quickly turn to disappointment.

Yes, expectations can lead to disappointment. And disappointment does not feel good. In fact, it hurts. Hard to swallow. We have all been disappointed. Some examples in my life: being passed over for a job that I felt I should have had; not being with the one person who I truly loved; my parents weren’t like “The Brady Bunch” parents – they let me down a lot.

I have also been disappointed time and again with my speech. I expect to be able to maintain my managed fluency and it sometimes doesn’t happen. Then I feel let down. I let myself down, I couldn’t keep up. I feel disappointed when I get puzzled looks or nervous laughter from listeners, and then I feel I let them down, by not being honest. By trying to pull off something.

That’s the thing with expectations. We need expectations to have something to look forward to, to be excited about, to have hope. But inevitably, something doesn’t work out and we feel disappointment.

I have been in a mind-set lately that I should not try so hard to over-analyze things and raise my expectations too high, to ward off that disappointment and hurt. I tend to over-anaylyze, so letting that go a bit is a good thing. I would rather just go with how something feels and see how it may unfold and just try to be. 

But I shouldn’t try to lower my expectations, just to avoid hurt, right?  Because then I miss out on that giddy, exciting feeling of anticipation. Like with exploring a new relationship – why shouldn’t I think, “hmmmm, maybe this is the one?” Because maybe it is.

If we automatically think that our expectations will lead to hurt and disappointment, then they will, right? Like the self-fulfilling prophesy.

I should expect that I will be ok with my stuttered speech every day. I should expect to find happiness if I allow myself to feel and be. I should expect that good things can and will happen for good people. I should expect that life will have its ups and downs, and that I will survive the bumps in the road. That I can bounce back and won’t fall apart. Having expectations means taking a certain amount of risk!

How have you handled disappointments in your life? What helps you through it?

Well, I am not sure how I felt about this one. In my mind, making room for the stuttering means that I am supposed to be able to take both the good and the bad. Take it in stride. Listen, let it in, see what it can teach me.

One of my office mates, Pat, casually mentioned a comment that a friend had shared with her. Her friend had called Pat at the office and while chatting asked if we had a new receptionist. Pat said she explained no, there wasn’t a new receptionist. That I (me!) was helping out by answering the phones. Pat’s friend asked her if I was OK, as I had “sounded flustered” when I answered her call. Pat said she explained to her friend that I was just new to answering the phones and that I was doing fine.

I remember Friday afternoon was very busy, but I actually felt more at ease handling the phones as I had done it for most of the week. I was pretty sure that I had stuttered while answering her call.  As Pat told me this, rather out of the blue, I remember thinking, “what did Pat think” when her friend said I sounded flustered. Did Pat tell her friend that I stutter, and that was probably what she heard? Or did she not mention it because she was embarrassed? Or did the friend mention it and Pat didn’t want to tell me?

I found myself thinking about this much more than I probably should have. Obviously, since I am also writing about it. Is that how stuttering on the phone sounds? Like I am flustered? Why didn’t she tell me Friday? Why did she tell me at all?

Aye aye . . . . every time I think I am close to figuring it out, something reminds me that I still need to make room for it, all of it.

Have you ever had someone make a comment like this? Do you agree with my assessment that I read way too much into this? Why do I still keep doing this? Do you know?

A school is a very busy place to work. Our main office is often like grand central station sometimes – students in and out, phones and bells ringing all the time and lots of multi-tasking. Our front desk receptionist retired before Christmas, and the two office staff, who essentially keep the school running, have been overwhelmed. The phones are constant, as well as students arriving late all day, who must be signed in and issued a pass to enter the classroom late.

I offered to help out because my schedule is slow until next week. Before I could re-think it, I found myself at the front desk, answering all the lines, routing them to the right offices and dealing with student traffic.

It’s really not that big of a deal, because I am very patient and don’t get too flustered easily. Except, I really hate using the phone so much. I used to avoid the phone as much as possible and this week I have been answering the phones all day and fielding questions from parents, prospective students, bus garages and school districts. In over-analyzing the situation, which I tend to do, I noticed something quite profound: sometimes I stuttered and sometimes I didn’t.

When it comes right down to it, that’s the story with my stuttering. Sometimes I stutter and sometimes I don’t. I don’t think much about my stuttering when I don’t stutter a lot. But when I am stuttering quite a bit, I think about it more. I guess that’s the same with most things. I don’t much think about pimples until I get one! I don’t really think about my hair until I am having a bad hair day. And I hardly ever think about socks until I glance down and realize that, once again, I have two different colored ones on.

I have actually done fine on the phones this week. The stuttering I did was relaxed and easy, and I found myself sliding into the “R” word that I sometimes have trouble with, as that is how I have to answer the phone every time – “R . . . .  Ed Center, how may I help you?” Once I slid out the “r”, I had only a few minor repetitions.

I got to see most of the staff everyday and a lot more students than I usually see, as quite a few come late and need late passes issued. And I got to put up with a lot of goodhearted teasing from a lot of staff who thought it was great that I was working the front reception desk. I think they feel I am more approachable that the other woman was. I talk to everybody, I mean everybody.

Aside from the phones, I had one other scenario worth mentioning. As visitors come in and out, they sign in with me, take a visitors badge, and sign out and return the badge to me upon leaving. I found myself making small talk with just about everyone. One person was leaving, and said good-bye. I yelled, “Take Care”, but it came out “T-t-t-t-t-t-take”. The other person looked puzzled, but waited my stutter out before turning to leave. It was OK.

Yes, this week, I came way out of my comfort zone and it felt OK.  Kind of makes me think that I might even be able to use the Public Address system if I need to at some point to make an announcement, instead of asking someone else to do it.Maybe before the end of the school year. I know! I’ll set that as a goal.

Do you take opportunities to push yourself outside of your own comfort zones? How does it feel? Do you feel good when you are able to do one of the things you always used to dread?

My sister Trish and I have not been especially close over the years. In fact, there  was a period of several years where we didn’t even talk and had no idea what was going on in each other’s lives. For some people, that may be hard to imagine. For my family, that is what is has been like.

Trish and I started re-connecting in 2009, and I have to admit, its been nice. We both have experienced major transitions and seemed to need to re-ignite our sisterhood. She has come over a few times,and we have been helping each other out.

We had a New Year’s Day brunch at my place, something I don’t ever remember me and my sister doing. Never! We shared a meal – homemade waffles – and enjoyed hanging out. And we exchanged gifts for the first time in over 20 years.

Trish gave me this stone-ware art piece to hang on my wall. I guess she has figured out that I am into “sayings.” This was perfect. Meaningful! Appropriate!

“It Takes Courage To Grow Up And Become Who You Really Are”

E.E. Cummings

It seems it has taken me and my sister 40- something years to grow up and find the courage to deal with difficult things in our lives. We both have made choices that maybe we were not happy with, and now we are playing out the consequences of those choices. It’s not easy, that’s for sure, but it is easier when you know a family member is rooting for you.

I have found the courage to grow up and start becoming the person I really am. I know I am not there yet. I may not know when I have arrived. But I do know that finally dealing with some of the things I always kept hidden – my stuttering, my feelings, shame about the past, fear for the future – is taking me steps closer to being that person I really am.

And my sister Trish is doing the same thing. Not in exactly the same way, but in her way. She is facing some of her demons, and becoming the person she wants to be. Who knows. Maybe we will both arrive at around the same time and have a celebration.

Do you find it takes courage to grow up and become who you really want to be? Do you know who that is?

My friend Yara and I got together a few nights ago. We experimented with her new Wii system, and shared a lot of laughs. Mostly because I am very uncoordinated and had a hard time figuring out how to use the Wii remote and generally getting anywhere with it. But it was fun and it’s always nice to make time for fun with a good friend.

We also spent a lot of time talking about our stuttering. We both have shared the covert experience, and at certain times, we still choose to be covert. Yara decided to share something with me that she felt she couldn’t with anyone else. Once again, she felt safe and comfortable enough to share her inner thoughts, and for that, I felt deeply honored and touched.

Yara said that she doesn’t like to be around other people who stutter. At first, I was a little bewildered. We attend a support group together and have gone out socially with other people who stutter. Just last week, we went to lunch with two friends who stutter. Yara admitted that she was extremely uncomfortable with them. That being around other people who stutter is just too difficult – it reminds her too much of herself.

Wow, I thought. So where did that leave me, because I stutter and we hang out together. I felt a bit uncomfortable, but asked anyway. I asked her if I was included in that group of stutterers who make her uncomfortable. Yara said, “well, no, because I don’t see you as a person who stutters. I don’t hear you stutter. You don’t stutter. You’re just like me.”

This kind of threw me for a loop. I didn’t say anything for a minute, couldn’t, didn’t know what to say. Yara just looked at me and smiled and said, “doesn’t make much sense, huh? I always hated being around other people who stutter because I thought if I worked on my speech, I would sound like them. Then you come along and you stutter like me and what I get from that is it is OK. You are the first person who has sounded OK to me. So I don’t hear you stutter. I just hear you.”

This so moved me, of course, I got choked up and got teary. We both know what it is like to stutter and try to hide it and think that we have when we really haven’t. Sometimes the only person we have hidden our stuttering from is ourselves. And now we both know that it is OK to talk like this, on this deeper level, about how we FEEL about stuttering.

It felt so good to be able to talk about this and know that we understand each other. Thanks Yara!

What do you think? If you are a person who stutters, have you ever felt uncomfortable being around other people who stutter? Do you worry, “is that how I sound?” If you don’t stutter, honestly, does it bother you to be around those who do?

I had the opportunity and pleasure last night to have dinner at a good friend’s house. We have become friends through Toastmasters. She has heard me speak many times about stuttering and my belief that people who stutter can be effective communicators.

She invited me to speak to her school’s parents group a few months ago, and last night wanted me to speak to high school girls about differences, respect and tolerance. So I had dinner with her family first and then spoke with the teen age girls for about an hour or so after dinner.

Her family is Orthodox Jewish and welcomed me into their home. Her many children are used to having guests share dinner. We had a traditional kosher meal, and shared good conversation over the dinner table.

When the high school girls piled in, at first I was a little nervous. My friend had assured me that my story would have an impact, and she especially wanted me to share how it has felt to be teased over the years about my stuttering. Fortunately (I guess), I was having an especially “stutter-eze” day. Maybe it was nerves, maybe it was excitement to share my story, and maybe it was because my stuttering just wanted to be center stage last night. Who knows, but the girls got a good example of how one stutters and the different ways.

As I told my story, I was very aware of my voice. I could hear my stuttering as the girls and adults listened intently. I relaxed and shared. I told a few stories of how I hated to use drive-throughs and sometimes would order coffee or food I didn’t like to avoid stuttering. I explained it was like my way of protecting myself. They seemed to get that.

The girls had some questions and comments throughout, and I was comfortable answering. Afterwards, a couple of the girls shared experiences where they have made fun of someone or been made fun of themselves.

The girls’ teacher asked some general discussion questions at the end, but by that time, clearly their attention span had waned and we were ready to call it a night. Someone had made kosher chocolate chip cookies, and the girls were ready to dive in to them.

 But I know they listened. I know they heard my message. I could tell.

One 14-year old girl came up to me as I was getting my coat and wanted to share something. She said she knew a speech therapist that had totally changed her life. She used to have a “speech issue” when she was younger. The same therapist also helped a friend of hers who has Down syndrome and also had stuttered. She said the friend still stutters a bit, but “not as bad as yours though”. At that, I just smiled.

I had made an impact on this cold Monday night. I am glad I shared my story with a bunch of teen age girls. I think they will remember the lady who stuttered and ate kosher food for the first time. And I think maybe, just maybe, they learned a little about an experience different from their own, and maybe won’t be so quick to make fun of someone.

What do you think? Have you ever had the chance to use your stuttering in such a way to help teach a lesson to young people? It felt really, really good!

Sometimes I just can’t figure out what I am supposed to do. Everybody keeps telling me what is meant to be, will be.  I guess that means that I should just keep on living life the best way I know how. Which means honestly. Which means doing what feels right. Which means continuing to always try to do right by people.

Sometimes though, I wish things were a little easier. I don’t always want to be the one reassuring someone everything will be all right. I don’t want to always be the one telling someone, this too shall pass.  Sometimes I want someone doing that for me. I wish sometimes there was someone who could just take one look at me and just know that I need a hug and give me that hug. Or just give me that look, the one that says, “yeah, I know, I’ve been there, it sucks, but it will get better”.

I didn’t plan to be where I am right now. It just happened. I am living alone for the first time in a long time. I know that it needed to happen and that I will land on my feet. People don’t have to reassure me of that. That I know already. But even knowing that, I am still having a hard time figuring this all out. It doesn’t always make sense.

Meeting people is hard. I feel like I want to be with someone, but just don’t know how to go about doing it anymore. I am very social and involved in a lot of things, but don’t have that special somebody. It definitely does not make a whole lot of sense right now.

I am very upfront about my stuttering, but it’s not something that I feel I should be advertising when meeting someone socially for the first time. I went out with someone last week,and found myself hoping that the stutters that I did let out would come off sounding like I was just nervous. After all, people get nervous when interacting with someone new for the first time. It’s only natural that you want them to like you enough to want to spend time getting to know you better. Then, I figure I can let the stuttering out.

But for now, its hard and doesn’t always make sense. Oh, and it is my first holiday season doing the single thing. And that definitely doesn’t make much sense. As worth it as it is to be free of a bad relationship that was going nowhere, it is harder than I thought it would be.

Happy Holidays everyone! This too shall pass!

On the covert list serv , there has recently been a lively discussion about public speaking and making presentations. It seems like a lot of us have to do this regularly for our jobs. Why does it always seem that the person who stutters is the one responsible for giving presentations in the workplace?

One person wrote in to say she had a presentation coming up in the next several months and she was already anxious about it. Many people responded with advice, os simply sharing what has worked for them. Some people took the time to post who have never done so before, making this one of the most interactive threaded discussions on the group in a great while. Lurkers were feeling comfortable enough to share their stories. That’s the power of even internet self-help.

Lots of people thought that we should allow people to see our true selves, not be afraid to stutter publicly and to try a little advertising before the presentation, to reduce personal anxiety. Quite a few people allowed for the fact since we are on a covert list, talking about covert behaviors, it is very difficult to allow our stuttering out.

Liz posed a great question. I can’t say it any better than she did. I contacted her off-list and asked if she would be OK if I discussed this topic here and credit her. So here’s her thought:

I am wondering if sometimes in some circumstances it is OK to just say, “You know, I have come so far from where I started as a child, I can do so many more things than I used to be able to, but some things are just too hard. I can let go of them, and give myself a break. I don’t have to do them, to “make myself do them, right”? I realize this goes against what most people post here (on the covert list) which tends to be “I stutter, but I still do presentations, speeches, etc, and if I stutter that is OK, my audience doesn’t mind all that much. I refuse to let my stuttering define who I am. I encourage everyone else to do the same.”

Please don’t tell me I should just tackle the really really hard things….the way many of you do! I do salute you for this, by the way! — Liz

I thought this was great. I wrote back to Liz, as did several others. Basically what she is saying, and reminding us in a very matter-of-fact way is this: there are no rules with stuttering. We can choose to do what ever we feel comfortable with. Of course it is OK to choose to NOT tell an audience that we stutter and we are proud of it or are OK with it. What works for some won’t work for others.  And Liz says this beautifully. “I can let go of the hard stuff and give myself a break.” Absolutely! It is a way of being kind to ourselves, as several people note in numerous responses back to Liz.

I have been thinking of this myself for a while. Sometimes I do beat myself up, needlessly. I do not have to do everything. I don’t have to be up on a pedestal, proclaiming to anyone who will listen that I stutter and I am OK with it. Because sometimes I am not. Sometimes, as I have written here before, I still feel embarrassed and ashamed. Sometimes I find myself kicking myself for not explaining that I stutter when I have bad speech moments and someone smirks or giggles. I get down on myself for not “owning up” to my stuttering.

But I don’t have to. As Liz and others say, it is OK. We need to give ourselves a break and be kind and gentle with our Self. If we don’t, who will?  I don’t think it is “wimping out” at all to choose to do or not to do something. It is just that – a choice. As long as we are in control and making the choices we feel comfortable with, then so be it. IT IS WHAT IT IS. ( I actually found this saying embroidered on a pretty fabric and framed. I picked it up and now it is displayed in my living room. I have it in my office at work too!)

Thanks Liz for daring to pose an honest thought and asking a question that I am sure most covert stutterers have thought about at one time or another.

What do you think? Have you ever “wimped out” or “opted out” of a situation because you knew it was best to give yourself a break? Do you consider yourself a wimp when you do that?