Make Room For The Stuttering

Not Sure What I Want

Posted on: February 2, 2010

Well, this is odd. I have stuttered much more lately, especially when talking on the phone. I am noticing definite blocks and regular repetitions, even on words that I don’t typically repeat. I am pretty sure this increase is due to more stress in my life, as I know my stuttering pattern most definitely follows the ebbs and flow of my life. And stress is not always bad. I have been busier, trying new things, meeting new people and not getting much sleep.

I do not like when I am stuttering more pronouncedly. I notice it much more and I am aware that I feel more tense when I am stuttering regularly, even when the stuttering is fairly relaxed and easy. When I can hear the stuttering, even if it does not sound particularly unpleasant, I find myself getting more tensed up.

What’s funny right now is that my stuttering support group started up last week after an almost two month hiatus. I have come to enjoy the support and good feelings that comes with hanging out with other people who stutter. It is reassuring to be with a group of people who “get it”, and are safe and nonjudgmental.

But I have intentionally missed the first two weeks of group. Why? I have no idea. This would seem to be the perfect time to “work on” my stuttering or at least be in a very supportive environment. But noooooo! For some reason, I have been resistant and have not wanted to go.

Maybe I so uncomfortable with my increased stuttering that I don’t even want other people who stutter to hear me? Maybe I don’t want to hear me publicly stutter? Maybe it is easier for me to stutter around people who don’t stutter now? I wish I knew. I do want to go to group next week. I talked with a friend last night who went and he of course wanted to know where I was and why did I miss the group?

I told him I was in a funk and didn’t feel in the right place to “deal with” stuttering. So now I must have a right place, huh? As if life is not complicated enough, now I need to be in a certain place. Maybe I am feeling some shame here, due to the increased stuttering. Maybe the old comfortable avoidance associated with my long-standing covert behavior is kicking back in. Maybe I am secretly anxious about a big talk I am doing next week to school-based SLPs and I want to be in a real good stuttering groove.

Geez!  What is going on? Does anyone else ever get in a funk like this? Where you are just kind of going through the motions? If you have an answer, please let me know!

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2 Responses to "Not Sure What I Want"

Pam,

I personally have never had a real change in my stuttering pattern (always have blocked), but I think that would be hard to go from easier stuttering to more struggled speech. I would encourage you to go to your group. Who else better to understand than other PWS.

When you talked about having your stuttering be pronounced and feeling the tension that made me think of my pattern. I blocked mostly and therefore, there can be a lot of tension. Which my mom asked one day, can you feel that tension? I said yes I can. She asked because sometimes she can see the tension. Right now, my pattern can be very struggled, but I am working on changing that.

My goal is definitely an easier way of stuttering . As you put it “fairly relaxed and easy.”

I have been there as I defiinitely have moments when I stutter more and this is when I have more stress in my life.

I definitely understand the funk thing, because I have moments when I just want to run and hide in a cave from the world so that I do not have to talk to anyone.

What I have noticed in life is that when you do not feel like doing something, this is when you need to make the effort to do it, because who knows, this probably could be when you make some breakthrough with understanding yourself more and therefore is better able to deal with these moments when they come.

I understand too the anxiety you are facing as a result of your upcoming speech assignment and this is normal I beleive.

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