Make Room For The Stuttering

Rude Awakening

Posted on: January 30, 2010

Oh, the absolute irony. I finally felt awakened in a special way and had a smidgen of happiness, and then, just like that, it was taken  from me. Pouf, just gone, in an instant.

I had no idea how to react, except with much sadness and grieving. I found gentle, tender intimacy for a short time and it was beautiful and special and right. So when it left as quickly as it arrived, I felt hurt and pain and sadness.

My sister told me it was better to have experienced that, and lost it, than to not have experienced it at all. Sounds like a song. Not sure if it is true. Maybe.

Speaking of a song, this reminds me of one by Alanis Morissette called, “You Learn”.  She tells us that we learn through every life experience. We laugh, we learn; we cry, we learn; we hurt, we learn.

I know all that intellectually. It’s just that emotionally it is still hard to deal with pain and loss, no matter how old we are and no matter how accustomed to it we are. I am an old hand at rejection. It’s happened my whole life. I should be hardened to it.

But I am not. I feel deeply and am moved by both good and bad. Probably the result of not giving my self permission to feel for so long, and now the floodgates have been unleashed and I can’t stop the feelings anymore. Just like Alanis says, “I laugh, I hurt, I smile, I cry” and I learn. I learn how crazy vulnerable I am, and how much tender intimacy really means to me.

I am not sure if this has much to do with stuttering. It doesn’t have to. I know I am a totally different person now that I don’t keep the stuttering hidden anymore. I am more open, honest, and willing to take risks. My stuttering is part of the fabric of my life. So are my emotions. Finally. And hurt hurts. I am learning.

Have you ever experienced something like this, so quickly, so suddenly? And you had no idea what to make of it?

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3 Responses to "Rude Awakening"

Pam,
This made me think of how I think I’ve learned to sorta detach myself from my emotions, especially at times when I fill they welling up inside me (i.e. cry ), but because of being a PWS I learned to suppress them as quickly as I felt them. I can think of several examples of when my blocking was so badly I really wanted to cry. Instead, I quickly concentrated on something else to keep from feeling that emotion I am afraid people will think I am weak and they won’t understand why I am upset. Also, sometimes I am afraid if I start crying I won’t be able to stop. I don’t think many people understand how emotionally draining stuttering can be in a person’s life.

I am sorry you are hurting but I know you are learning as you hurt.

Hope you will make sense of it soon.

Somehow as strange as this may sound I would rather hurt then not experience life. Some feelings are uncomfortable and painful but they are far outweighed by those that are wonderful, carefree and intimate

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