Oh, the absolute irony. I finally felt awakened in a special way and had a smidgen of happiness, and then, just like that, it was taken  from me. Pouf, just gone, in an instant.

I had no idea how to react, except with much sadness and grieving. I found gentle, tender intimacy for a short time and it was beautiful and special and right. So when it left as quickly as it arrived, I felt hurt and pain and sadness.

My sister told me it was better to have experienced that, and lost it, than to not have experienced it at all. Sounds like a song. Not sure if it is true. Maybe.

Speaking of a song, this reminds me of one by Alanis Morissette called, “You Learn”.  She tells us that we learn through every life experience. We laugh, we learn; we cry, we learn; we hurt, we learn.

I know all that intellectually. It’s just that emotionally it is still hard to deal with pain and loss, no matter how old we are and no matter how accustomed to it we are. I am an old hand at rejection. It’s happened my whole life. I should be hardened to it.

But I am not. I feel deeply and am moved by both good and bad. Probably the result of not giving my self permission to feel for so long, and now the floodgates have been unleashed and I can’t stop the feelings anymore. Just like Alanis says, “I laugh, I hurt, I smile, I cry” and I learn. I learn how crazy vulnerable I am, and how much tender intimacy really means to me.

I am not sure if this has much to do with stuttering. It doesn’t have to. I know I am a totally different person now that I don’t keep the stuttering hidden anymore. I am more open, honest, and willing to take risks. My stuttering is part of the fabric of my life. So are my emotions. Finally. And hurt hurts. I am learning.

Have you ever experienced something like this, so quickly, so suddenly? And you had no idea what to make of it?