Feedback is a gift. Good or bad, we need it from other people. We need to know how other people are thinking or feeling. We need feedback to understand certain situations, to figure out how to do new things or to know if we are on the same page. We need feedback to validate ourselves. We may think we don’t – that we don’t need anybody, that we are a rock, an island – but in fact, we all do at some time.

Some of us have a hard time receiving feedback. I always felt uncomfortable hearing negative feedback, or “constructive criticism” as it is oft called. If I was criticized, I always had a tendency to take it to heart and to think of myself as a bad person or that I had failed in some way. Even minor criticism could bring tears to my eyes. Still does, some times. I tend to be too hard on myself.

I have been much better at receiving and giving feedback over the last several years, as I began to let it in and allow myself to actually feel the emotions that comes with feedback. For not only did I have trouble accepting negative feedback, but I had the same trouble receiving positive feedback. I never thought I deserved praise or compliments. Much of that goes back to my childhood, when I really only got negative feedback and grew up thinking I was bad, flawed, inferior. It takes a long time to break away from internalizing bad stuff. These days, I can and do allow positive feedback in, but very often it still brings me to tears, because it is so new and parts of me still doesn’t quite believe I deserve it.

I gave a speech last night to my Toastmasters club on how to give feedback and quality evaluations. People have a hard time doing this. I asked the audience to come up with some of the reasons why people struggle with offering feedback. We sometimes feel unqualified, we might be afraid of hurting the speaker’s feelings, or we worry that being honest will not be encouraging for the speaker. When I first joined Toastmasters, I never would have guessed that some three years later I would feel comfortable enough to share some advice on how to offer feedback.

Everybody thought I did a good job. I got a good evaluation from a veteran Toastmaster. He did remind me that I shouldn’t have concluded by saying “thanks”. The audience should have thanked me. I know that – I have shared that with other people. I felt good after hearing positive feedback.

The person who served as grammarian reported that there were a few filler words during the evening, and that some of us repeated some words. He specifically commented that I had repeated several words – “Toastmaster, Toastmaster”, “feedback, feedback”, “language, language”, “chose, chose”.

Guess what I immediately thought as I heard this? Did I stutter on those words? He doesn’t know I stutter. He is a second-time visitor from another club. Did I really do whole word repetitions like that? Was it obvious enough that he felt he needed to take note of it like he did? Amazingly, I let his 15-second report make me second guess how good I had felt about nailing my speech and sharing something valuable with the group.

I even found myself wondering as I left: “Hmmmm, I wonder if any of the regulars in my club will go up to him and let him know I stutter? I think its possible someone might have felt obliged to do that. I hoped no one did. I don’t want to be “judged” any differently than any other person taking a risk and giving a Toastmaster’s speech. I want to be able to take feedback in the spirit it is meant. To help us be aware of things we may want to work on or improve or just be aware of.

What do you think about feedback? How do you receive it? Do you think it was OK for me to ponder what he said the way I did? Or am I just way too sensitive to my stuttering?