Doesn’t Always Make Sense
Posted on: December 24, 2009
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- 3 Comments
Sometimes I just can’t figure out what I am supposed to do. Everybody keeps telling me what is meant to be, will be. I guess that means that I should just keep on living life the best way I know how. Which means honestly. Which means doing what feels right. Which means continuing to always try to do right by people.
Sometimes though, I wish things were a little easier. I don’t always want to be the one reassuring someone everything will be all right. I don’t want to always be the one telling someone, this too shall pass. Sometimes I want someone doing that for me. I wish sometimes there was someone who could just take one look at me and just know that I need a hug and give me that hug. Or just give me that look, the one that says, “yeah, I know, I’ve been there, it sucks, but it will get better”.
I didn’t plan to be where I am right now. It just happened. I am living alone for the first time in a long time. I know that it needed to happen and that I will land on my feet. People don’t have to reassure me of that. That I know already. But even knowing that, I am still having a hard time figuring this all out. It doesn’t always make sense.
Meeting people is hard. I feel like I want to be with someone, but just don’t know how to go about doing it anymore. I am very social and involved in a lot of things, but don’t have that special somebody. It definitely does not make a whole lot of sense right now.
I am very upfront about my stuttering, but it’s not something that I feel I should be advertising when meeting someone socially for the first time. I went out with someone last week,and found myself hoping that the stutters that I did let out would come off sounding like I was just nervous. After all, people get nervous when interacting with someone new for the first time. It’s only natural that you want them to like you enough to want to spend time getting to know you better. Then, I figure I can let the stuttering out.
But for now, its hard and doesn’t always make sense. Oh, and it is my first holiday season doing the single thing. And that definitely doesn’t make much sense. As worth it as it is to be free of a bad relationship that was going nowhere, it is harder than I thought it would be.
Happy Holidays everyone! This too shall pass!
3 Responses to "Doesn’t Always Make Sense"
December 27, 2009 at 7:15 PM
Just read that post Pam and I don’t really know what to say – but feel a need to say something.
I have been in similar situations to yours, staring into a sort of emptiness. It is a fact though Pam that you will come through it to be a happier and more fulfilled person.
These days, when I feel blue, I do understand that it is a transient state, and that understanding makes it not so bad. In past times I would let that sort of unhappiness really get to me and drag me down.
My first wife and I parted after a marriage of 19 years. The initial sense of lonely was strange to me. After six months I felt a sense of freedom that I had never had before ever(I got married when I was 20).
Yes, you have to do right by other people Pam but you also have to do right by yourself. You seem like a great person so you need to love yourself for that.
Pam, it feels like the pits now but I can assure you that you will out of this to have much happiness in your life. Just be yourslef, like yourself and enjoy yourself – there is a new year coming.
Oh yes, when I met Sharon, my partner, I wasn’t looking at all. I think it’s important to become comfortable with yourself before you start thinking about finding that special person.
For sure I would hug you and tell you all those things about having been there, and how it sucks, and yes it will pass, it will getter better dear.
You will have a happy new year Pam,
John x
December 27, 2009 at 8:18 PM
Hi Pam-
Holidays are difficult! I remember after my first husband and I separated. At first it was lonely and then as someone mentioned above I felt a sense of freedom that I had never felt. When I met my husband, I stuttered alot that first evening. It was late, but I never worried about my stuttering. In those days, I used to feel very inadequate about my speech. My now husband listened intently and I didn’t talk about my stuttering until much later on. Hang in there and know that you have alot to offer. When the time is right, you will meet someone who will accept you for the wonderful person you are!! Lori
Make Room For The Stuttering 
December 24, 2009 at 12:24 PM
What you’re saying reminds me of what my mom said after she and my father divorced. “Next time, I want to be the sick one.”
In other words, she knew how damaged/broken she was inside, and what she wanted was someone who accepted that and didn’t expect her to take care of him, cover things up, and smooth the road in front of him.
I’m sorry it’s so tough. Holidays intensify grieving, even if we’re only grieving for an unrealized potential. I’ll keep you in my prayers.
It does suck. It will get better. I wish I were there to give you a hug. If you lived closer, you could pop over for Christmas dinner, too. 🙂