Make Room For The Stuttering

Being on a journey of opening up means sometimes other people are going to point things out to me. I have long struggled with being too hard on my self. It obviously comes from feelings of shame associated with my stuttering and the other hard times I faced in childhood. I never learned how to accept compliments and let them in.

This is not just a stuttering thing. Women who have been abused have issues with self-worth and esteem. Sometimes to the point of feeling they deserved the abuse. In my case, I certainly thought since I wasn’t good enough, I deserved the criticism and negativity. That’s where I developed the negative self-talk.

As an adult, I have had such a hard time saying thank you when someone compliments or encourages me. I tend to shake it off, play modest, or say something like, “oh, you don’t mean that. You’re just saying that. That’s nice, but . . . .”  Always a but.

Anyway, as I spend more and more time on ME and being open to my feelings and how they feel (!), interesting things keep happening. I spent some time with J the other day, and we talked about feelings, and I got teary as I often do. Admitting that I have such feelings as sadness and longing, anger and loneliness, gets overwhelming. Why? When you have spent as much time as I have “blotting out” those feelings, I actually feel them when I talk about them now.

I was sharing a story with J, and I was cool and collected in the telling. I was sharing how smart I had been as a kid, but hid it because of the stuttering. I happened to say something like, “and I’m still smart.”  J stops me, with this weird smile on his face, and he doesn’t say anything for a moment. I felt uncomfortable. You know those uncomfortable, awkward silences. So I start thinking, ” Did I offend him? Did I say something he didn’t understand?”

He says, “That’s the first time you have ever complimented yourself with me.”  I choked up and got emotional. He says, “no one ever complimented you when you were a kid. That’s something you missed out on. That’s why its so hard to do it for yourself now. But you just did, and I caught you. I liked that. Hope you do too.” 

This was a bittersweet moment, like others I have had. It felt good having J point this out to me, but sad at the same time realizing that I had missed out on this.

That’s it – just wanted to share that brief moment my friend and I shared.

It really caught my attention. Yeah, it did!

Copyright © 2009

So I finally get it. Three years after coming out of the covert closet, I finally get what the chase has been all about. I’ve talked about it, I’ve lived it, I’ve modeled it, and I’ve shared the message with other people. But I never really internalized it for just me. Until now.

I have been on a chase, a hunt, for a long time. Not a treasure hunt, not a scavenger hunt, although it has certainly felt like that at times. All this time, its been freedom that I have been chasing, not fluency. I had not been running away, but actually running towards freedom. All this time. And I am just now really getting it. So there is something to all this journaling and writing. It is free-ing.

That’s why I have been so uncomfortable in the speech therapy program I have been attending for about three years. I have posted about some of this before. I don’t even like the name of the program, and have suggested that they consider changing it.

I began to feel uncomfortable wrapping my brain around fluency targets. I was uncomfortable introducing myself at every group meeting with “Hello, my name is and my target tonight is.” If I didn’t do it, someone always asked what my target was. I didn’t like that.  It felt like I was in a foreign country, and I didn’t know the language. I don’t like conformity. I did speak up about that at the group once, as hard as it was to express a contrary view. I was rather proud of myself!

My world has been expanding. I have been letting people in. I have let myself out. My world view has changed and I have been been so open to many new things and ideas.  Open seems like such a little word for what I have really become. I wrote previously about the experience of being “Broken Open” (see the book by Elizabeth Lesser). I have walked through some of the pain, limping sometimes, but have emerged strong and intact. And my mind is now open to this freedom.

I recently listened to Greg’s tiger analogy and have been reading the book Waking the Tiger, by Peter A. Levine. (Interestingly, I started reading this book before I had heard Greg’s tiger analogy -so I was obviously already on my way to this awakening).

Some people that stutter are chasing fluency. I have met them and talked with them. They believe that stuttering is bad and needs to be eliminated from their lives. I disagree with that, and I am comfortable saying it. It has indeed been freedom I have wanted all this time.

Not freedom from stuttering – not freedom even from some of the pain and trauma I have experienced. Because, indeed, there has been pain. But freedom to just be me. And to just be.

I loved the movie “The Wizard of Oz”, and that line that Dorothy says as she walks fearfully through the forest. She says, “Lions and Tigers and Bears, OH MY.”

OH, MY, the tiger is not such a bad thing – maybe it has been pushing me towards freedom. It has certainly helped to awaken me to all that is available in this big world of ours.

Copyright © 2009

Profound title, huh?

I am learning more than I ever thought I would from writing this blog. I really wasn’t sure if people would read my thoughts. A couple people had told me there might not be much of an audience for this topic. Of course, there are quite a few other stuttering blogs, but I like to think mine is a little different. This is very similar to the paper journal I used to keep, but a whole lot neater, much more legible, and very honest.

To my surprise, I am getting readers. Or hits, as I am learning they are called in the blog world. I know people are reading, because they are commenting. That interaction is really helping to propel this journey. For not only am I sharing, I am healing as well, and to know that others are getting something from this speaks very profoundly to me.

But there is something else going on here. I am getting quite a few email comments from folks who are reading and liking what they read. But they don’t want to post publicly on the site. They tell me that the Internet is, well, too public.

That really speaks volumes about the complexity of the covert struggle.  Here they are, reading about a covert’s experiences with stuttering (well, maybe I am officially a recovering covert now), but they are unwilling to make a public post. Are they afraid of being seen by someone who will assume they stutter if they are found to be reading this site? Am I right? Is this a correct assumption, or I am so close to the subject that I am making too much of this?

Some of the readers are stutterers, and some are not! Are those that don’t stutter afraid someone will assume they do if they post?

Was I ever that afraid? Yes, I was and still am sometimes. I would go to great lengths to keep my stuttering a secret, my little secret. Mostly, my fear is workplace related now, and to some degree, some fear of social punishment still persists. I want to feel accepted and loved, as we all do. Its human to fear rejection.

This covert thing is really remarkable, isn’t it?  Three years ago I had never even heard of the term “covert.”  And look at me now!

The journey continues!

Copyright © 2009

Stuttering sure has its moments! There are times when I feel really comfortable with stuttering freely, and feel like it is right to be authentic and let this part of me have free reign. (Not to be confused with Rainn – which is what I have named my stutter.  Hear more about that on stuttering is cool.) Anyway, as I have previously mentioned, there are times when I feel pressure not to stutter. I am sure we have all felt that way. And I stutter more on the phone. A shared phenomenon with many stutterers.

I feel pressure to sound smooth and measured when on the phone conducting Toastmaster business. Being President of my club means that my contact info is listed on our local club’s web page and people looking to visit can call me to get more information. I am pretty sure that when people call they don’t expect to hear a stutterer on the other end, promoting Toastmasters. I know this may sound contradictory since I talk about “me doing me”, but I can’t deny I still find myself wishing I was “more fluent” (whatever that really is for me) on the phone. This is me being honest. It’s not always hunky-dory in  my stuttering world.

Today, a nice guy named Jim called about Toastmasters. He had a lot of questions, including what makes my Toastmasters club unique. My first instinct was to say, “well, the President stutters”, but I curbed that urge. I patiently answered his questions and told him how cool our club is. I was stuttering really WELL.  He didn’t say anything, but I sensed a question in his voice. My self-talk started kicking in. I was self-conscious. I invited him to visit our club next week. I hope he does.

When I got off the phone, I sighed and took a deep breath. I had expended a lot of energy on that call. I felt tired. Maybe it was from fighting the pressure not to stutter. Maybe it was because I was actually stuttering more than I had all day. Maybe it was because this whole conversation took place within ear-shot of a colleague.

Yeah, stuttering can be so bittersweet. I can feel good and not so good about stuttering openly in the same instant. Its funny when that happens. So unpredictable. Competing feelings yelling for my attention. I have invited Rainn into my life and she’s there to stay. This much I know is true. She is not going anywhere. But sometimes I wish she wouldn’t be so “in your face” in my professional moments.

How much longer will it take? It’s the journey, not the destination. But how will I know when we have fully arrived?

Will that be a bittersweet moment too? What do you think? Please share your thoughts. We learn from each other.

I have to share this. It’s a story that needs to be told. I hope I didn’t screw it up. It brought tears to my eyes as I heard it, and as I wrote this. I had a great real-time conversation with Shaun. Facebook and email is great, but sometimes, you just have to talk to someone in real time. Shaun was the first SLP graduate student I let “work on me” three years ago. We clicked! It was her first time working with an adult who stutters and it was my first foray into dealing with being very covert.

I had just joined this group called “fluency council”, but I didn’t really want “fluency”. I wanted to begin the journey of finding me, and she got that. That’s why she is going to be a great SLP. She already is. She gets it.

We try to stay in touch, but it had been a while since we had talked over the phone. We treated ourselves to an hour.

She is currently working as a SLP in a middle school, and has three kids who stutter on her caseload. She told me a little about how these kids didn’t know much about their stuttering when she started with them at the beginning of the year. It seems their previous school therapists didn’t have much experience with stuttering. (Surprise, surprise).

One kid was having a particularly rough time, not only with his severe stuttering but his dad’s attitude was not positive. Dad was concerned that son wasn’t trying hard enough, and voiced to Shaun the lament that his son would be doomed because of his stuttering. He wouldn’t get a good job, what would happen to him, and so on. The son was picking up his dad’s shame.

Shaun goes on to tell me that she spoke to dad about this, how his son was picking up his dad’s cues and was beginning to internalize shame himself, despite the gains he was making in therapy. What courage it took for her to say this to dad! Shaun shared with dad her experience working with ME. She told him some of my story. How my early experiences with my dad being so negative and critical set the stage for my very painful journey. Shaun gently encouraged dad to see the value in his son’s stuttering and asked him to consider that among his child’s many gifts, maybe stuttering was one of them. OMG, I was getting goosebumps just listening to this.

One of the gains the kid had made was getting up on stage during a bullying assembly and participating in a skit. He role-played how it might be bullying for a kid to be made fun of for stuttering. This kid was 11 years old. Shaun shared that the whole room, peers and teachers, erupted into huge applause for this kid. It was a shining, special, always remember, proud moment. And his SLP (I had her first!) is a shining star,  for doing that kind of acceptance work with him. The really important stuff at that age.

Shaun told me that she shared with dad MY BLOG and sent him some posts by email to read. The tears were already starting to form when she was telling me this over the phone. She said the dad told her he was reading some of my blog posts. He told Shaun that he didn’t want to be that kind of father who was ashamed of his kid, and that he didn’t realize how his concerns and negativity might really be transferring to his son.

Ready for this? The son comes to therapy one day and brings a letter his dad wrote to him. In this letter, dad tells his son how proud he is of him, and that stuttering makes him special. Of course,the kid is thrilled. I sucked in my breath as I was listening to this and gasped.

So then the kid feels so much more accepting of his stuttering that he tells Shaun that he is OK. She tells him  he doesn’t have to return next year for therapy, that it is his choice. He chooses to continue. He wants to continue working on his stuttering journey.

By this time, tears are streaming down my face. I felt so honored. I am so glad she shared this story. Aren’t you? I asked her to tell the young man and his dad that I said Hi! Please be sure you do, Shaun.

And Dad, if you by chance read this post, I hope you don’t mind. This story had to be told.  Your letter has changed your son’s life. Forget about heroes you see on TV and in the news.  You are the real hero. I won’t soon forget this.  Congratulations!!

I was doing some reading for a professional development workshop that I will co-facilitate with a colleague at school. We are going to do a two-hour session on bullying for teachers and other staff. We plan to cover how bullying affects both children and adults.

Obviously there is a big problem with kids being bullied, both in and out of schools. In my community alone, there have been five teen suicides at one high school in this school year alone. FIVE!  That’s incredible.  Bullying has been mentioned in all five cases, that the girls had all been bullied by someone in school. The school, of course, has been hotly criticized and in the news.

Adults are also bullied. Workplace bullying is pervasive. It doesn’t get the same attention that bullied children get, and certainly not when kids wind up killing themselves. Kids who bully grow up to be adults who bully. I know! I’ve been there. I had a boss who was a bully. I didn’t see the warning signs until a whole lot of damage had already been done.

The colleague I am co-facilitating with has also been bullied. We’ve talked about it, and thought that this would be very relevant and useful to present.  Personally, its been very important to me for a long time. I have talked to dozens and dozens of kids about preventing teasing and bullying, using my stuttering experiences as a real example.

The proposal we submitted was approved within 24 hours. The superintendent of instruction asked us if we could present it before the end of the school year. She must think its really relevant! That’s not enough time. There are too many things on the calendar in the next four weeks. There’s a good chance we will present at All Staff Orientation in September, giving us the summer to really come up with meaningful stuff that will be useful. This will be a huge risk for both of us, but we’re ready!

We began looking at a few things this week.  My colleague sent me this link:  www.overcomebullying.org. This organization was founded by Anton Hout, who was bullied big-time in the workplace. There’s a 32-page handbook defining bullying, identifying signs, how rampant  it is in the workplace, etc. This booklet grabbed me immediately from the opening lines.

 “You are likely reading this because you have found yourself to be the target of a pervasive form of mental torture in the workplace known as psychological harassment, status-blind harassment, workplace bullying or where a group is engaged in a collective attack – mobbing.”

My boss at the job I was fired from did a lot of similar stuff described in this handbook. He humiliated me every chance he got if I slipped and stuttered at work. He would slap his face, point, roll his eyes, hold his face in his hands, sigh deeply, you name it, he did it. Lots of people saw this, and reassured me it was him, not me. He managed by intimidation. He got other staff to go along with him, or just be silent.

Once, when we were at an assembly, I had to make an announcement. I stuttered, some kids laughed and started called out my name, mockingly. This guy and several of his cronies were there on the sidelines laughing and pointing, listening and watching. No one corrected the kids or got them to settle down, as was done routinely when the kids got out of hand. I still remember how embarrassing that was.

Afterwards, I remember a couple of staff coming up to me, saying sorry you had to go through that. “He’s so awful to you.”  When I was fired and filed a complaint, only two people were willing to tell what they saw and heard. Others refused, saying they were afraid of losing their job. They told my lawyer that over the phone when she reached out to a few of them.

Anyway, I am reading this booklet, highlighting a couple of things, and come across this. I couldn’t believe what I was reading.

In one such case in Ottawa, Canada a worker at OC Transpo, Pierre Lebrun, was mocked incessantly about his stutter. It had gone well beyond any kind of fun (if it ever had been) and the bullies relentlessly humiliated Lebrun at every opportunity.

Finally, having taken all he could, he lashed out and hit one of the bullies. In spite of having pleaded with managers about stopping the abuse, due to this incident the tables were turned on him and he was made to apologize to the very bully who had delighted in tormenting him.

To underscore how serious bullying and mobbing can become, this story ended in tragedy. Lebrun eventually came to work with a high powered rifle and killed several people before taking his own life. (Read At The Mercy of The Mob for a more complete reference and info about “mobbing”.)

Who would have thought that the example used to highlight how bad bullying can be would be about stuttering?

Reading this convinced me that when I do this workshop, I will definitely talk about my stuttering experiences in the workplace. I have to, now, right? It was like an omen that I read this particular article.

I have engaged in a couple of very interesting on-line conversations lately on what degree of stuttering is socially acceptable and the very intriguing concept of stuttering being attractive. The issue of social acceptance is discussed on Tom’s site, The Stuttering Brain.

I really like Tom’s site and Greg’s Stuttering.Me, because these guys break down the complexities of stuttering into a language even I can understand.

I think stuttering is still very misunderstood by most people, and it is up to those of us who stutter to tell the world about it and make it less awful. I do think some people think stuttering is awful.

That’s why they get uncomfortable, look away, make dumb comments, etc. How will we change this mind-set if we don’t do something? Some people who stutter are afraid to be too public with their stuttering. I was like that for a long time.

I worried about rejection. My stutter is mild a lot of the time, and seems OK for people to listen to, especially once they get used to me. But when I go on a rip and REALLY stutter, I notice people get more uncomfortable. That’s usually my cue that I have to say something.

My own family has a hard time with my stuttering. It has to do with my being covert for so long – keeping it well hidden, keeping the taboo, well, taboo. As long as I  kept stuttering and the other family secrets, secret, everything was good.

Now, that I’m am open and talking, and heaven forbid, getting some media coverage, I think some of my family is embarrassed. My sister Kim stopped over Saturday night. She doesn’t have a computer, and wanted to see the video from last week. She watched it twice, and got teary-eyed. She said she was proud of me. I had to choke back my emotion. I asked her what was up with everyone else. She said my mother and two sisters “just aren’t interested” and that I shouldn’t even bother sending them stuff. They aren’t going to respond. The silence is deafening. I hear the silence, and it weighs as heavily as my own silence did for years.

Am I embarrassing them? Is it socially unacceptable for them to have a sibling in the news stuttering openly? It makes me feel they don’t care, or that I do embarass them. I do care. That actually kind of hurts.

I guess I should be lucky my stuttering is not more severe. At least I talk to my mom and sister once in awhile. If  I stuttered any more overtly, maybe I wouldn’t talk to them at all.

Now back to the issue of stuttering being attractive. I talked with friend Bob last week, who tells me that he finds women’s stuttering extremely attractive and almost sexy. I find that so intriguing, as another good friend – Richard – said my stuttering is attractive about two months ago. I was blown away with this, and now Bob says pretty much the same thing.

Bob shared that he can listen to women stutter all day. I wonder, do women feel the same way about men who stutter?  I did find my friend James’ speech pattern very soothing. Almost cute. It fits his personality. He stutters with repetitions and silent blocks, and I found myself really wanting to listen. He made me want to hear more, and his stuttering seems to positively accentuate his choice of words.

Its funny how we can relate to family and non-family so differently. We are more socially accepted by our community than our family, at least in my case.

Thoughts? Comments? Similar experiences?

A very brief but poignant post today. Last week, I spoke to middle school kids about stuttering, in an effort to teach so that teasing and bullying can be prevented. This was in honor of National Stuttering Awareness Week. I was fortunate to have a reporter and photographer there, and a nice article was written for both the print and online versions of my local newspaper. There was a video too.

Today, the reporter forwarded me an email he had received from a reader. She had asked the reporter to pass this note on to me. This is what was forwarded to me.

Hello,

This morning I read the article mentioned above.  I went to High School with Pam and am wondering if you would forward this to her?

Hi Pam,

I just wanted to let you know that I too have stuttered for most of my life.  I wish we had known that about each other at Mercy (High School).  Also, it made me feel proud for you that you are able to speak out about stuttering. I just wanted to touch base and let you know that.

Cindi

She provided her last name, her married name, and her email address in case I wanted to get in touch with her. (I did – emailed her).

This totally blew me away. If only I had known. I would not have felt so alone. I would have known someone else who stuttered. How wonderful that she took the time to write to the reporter, and that he took the time to forward this to me.  I really have to process this.

Things happen for a reason.

When I was asked to be a judge at a youth public speaking contest, I didn’t give it much thought. How hard could that be? It would be fun, and it was a worthy event. Kids under 16 were competing for scholarship money. It was a competition sponsored by an Optimist Club chapter, which is a civic organization that emphasizes service and working with youth. So I agreed to volunteer on a Saturday.

When I was asked to give the key address at that same event, I did have to ponder that.  One of my Toastmaster colleagues heard me speak a couple of weeks ago, and he thought it would be inspirational to share my “stuttering story” and promote Toastmasters at this competition. There would be the young participants, their parents and family and club members. I did not know any of these people, and wondered how talking about stuttering while promoting Toastmasters would go over in a fluent crowd.

I decided to do it – it would be a good challenge for me, and would offer another opportunity to de-mystify stuttering.

I didn’t prepare much, as I know “my story” well and have been a Toastmaster for  3 years, so I can enthusiastically talk up Toastmasters easily. I arrived at the hotel early Saturday morning, got my judge briefing and went to work. I was not going to be on until after all the kids had given their presentations. We wanted to have my spiel come before the winners were announced, so everybody would listen and no one would leave! Bribery always works, huh?!

I quickly became engrossed in the kids speeches. They were really amazing. These kids were  good! Each had won at their club and zone levels (similar to Toastmaster contests), so these kids were prepared and polished. They ranged in age from 9-16. There were eight girls and five boys, separated into one division for girls and one for the boys. The winners would receive a $1500 scholarship for college, a plaque, pride, yada yada.

Each young person had to speak for 4-5 minutes on the theme, “For Me, Optimism Is . . . . ”  They nailed it –  each youngster talked about significant things in their lives – family illness, sacrifice, death – or world issues, and how to stay optimistic and positive in challenging times. It was so hard to judge one better than another, because they were all winners in my book.

Then it was my turn. I was nervous and actually thought, “how can I possibly follow these amazingly bright, fluent youngsters?”

Well, I began with “Don’t Be Like Me” and wove that line throughout my 11 minute speech. (I went over – I always do. I Stutter!)  My message to the audience: I wasted a lot of time hiding and being ashamed of who I am because of stuttering. I didn’t want anyone else to do that. Whatever our “thing” is, (because we all have a “thing” we wish we could  wish away) we are all unique and talented beings that need to let our light shine. I told my stuttering story, how I let fear hold me back and how I knew I arrived at the place when I decided I didn’t want to do that any more. Then I launched into talking about how Toastmasters helped me become even better at the person I was always meant to be, and that we all need to tell our story.

I had notes, but barely used them. I found I was speaking from my authentic place, from my heart, and twice felt like I was going to choke up. But I was in control and my voice was strong and clear, and my stuttering was very natural. When I was done, I felt a strange feeling. My heart was fluttery and I felt warm inside – I felt like I had done right by telling this version of my story.

The audience applauded. Then I saw everyone rise to their feet and give me a standing ovation. I was overwhelmed in that moment. I felt embraced by the whole room – honestly, I felt embraced and held and awash with peace. It was a stunning moment.

Then I quickly re-joined the other judges and we went about our business of judging. When we had reached a decision, the competition chairperson joked that maybe we didn’t want to come in,that some parents attack the judges if their kid doesn’t win. But he said that if we could stick around afterwards, the contestants and parents would really like Toastmaster feedback as to what their kids could work on for next time. I liked that: next time. Because win or not, each of these kids were going to have a whole lot of  “next times”  in their lives.

The winners were announced, photos were taken, and we Toastmasters were formally thanked. Then it was like a receiving line. Kids and parents came up to us, thanked us, and asked for feedback. My Toastmaster buddy said to me, “Pam, they’re all going to want to talk to you. Your speech was amazing.”

People didn’t really want to talk to me – people came and hugged me. They said thanks for sharing. One woman had tears in her eyes and said. “Your story is my story. Our story. Don’t be like me? We should all be like you!” I cried then.

What a special day. We definitely have to seize those moments. There is a reason for everything.

Has anyone ever had a similiar moving experience? I swear, I still have goosebumps, and still feel the warm embrace of that room.

This past Tuesday ranks right up there in my list of top things I never thought I would do. But it also tops the list for being most special.

I had the opportunity, privilege, thrill to visit a middle school and talk to students as part of National Stuttering Awareness week. I had wanted to do this again, as I first had the idea in October and met with 330 kids in my school’s district in October, for International Stuttering Awareness Day. That day went went very well too, as the school embraced the whole theme. Because October is Disability Awareness Month, it fit nicely, and the school devoted a whole hallway to famous people who stutter and what stuttering is all about.

This day was even more special, because there were three kids in the school who stutter, one of whom has been getting teased and picked on by peers. My plan was to educate about stuttering, put it in the context of being a difference, and then work into teasing and bullying prevention. I met the kids who stutter before Tuesday’s presentation, so they could meet me and know what to expect. One of them told me he gets picked on and teased by kids in his class. I wasn’t sure if he/they would want to participate in the program.

I was wrong about that. They volunteered for everything. The one with the more severe stutter actually volunteered to do the “Coolest Stutter” in front of his whole class, which was a major risk for him, but he was beaming, especially when I gave him an award for doing it.

I told my personal story of stuttering to these kids, and I am not exaggerating by saying they sat in rapt attention. I had grabbed them immediately by stuttering openly right away. They had never heard an adult stutter while doing a talk. It was pretty cool.

We had reporters and photographers from two local newspapers. The kids in the school felt so special. Its awesome when we can spotlight kids and school for good things. And the principal was beyond awesome. She really embraced this and welcomed me with open arms. I met the superintendent, who also thought it was a wonderful thing to do. I don’t think most of the staff had ever interacted with an adult who stutters openly.

So, there was a nice newspaper article written up about this, and a video clip made and posted to the newspaper’s on-line site. The links are only good for two weeks, so won’t link them here. What I will do is list some of the awesome questions some of the kids asked me throughout presentation, and my attempts at answering them honestly.

“Have you ever been made fun of by an adult? ” I told them a few stories of when I’ve tripped over words while at a store and the clerk mimicked me.

“Is it worse to be copied or teased?” I said I don’t like either, but copied is hard. My face usually turns red.

“What do you say when someone teases you?” This was hard, because sometimes I am stunned or embarrassed, so I told the kids that, to be very honest.  I added that one time I said to someone, “you don’t stutter as good as me.”

“Is it hard to stutter with your students at school?” I said sometimes, but I try to be honest, and let people know I am comfortable with it by my actions.

“Does Tiger Woods really stutter?” I said he did when he was a kid.

“You squeeze your eyes sometimes when you stutter. Does everyone who stutters do that?” This was really good question from a very observant young person. It caught me off guard. I said, no not everyone does that, I think I do that to try to push the sound out.

I did five 42 minute presentations to grades 5-8 at a middle school in my community. I made a difference, using my stuttering, something I was always so afraid of and embarrassed about. Now I am using my experience to help others, maybe just one, develop more tolerance and respect for differences. I feel I truly made a difference.

But wait – the best part. When I was packing up to leave, a kid came out in the hall and asked me for my autograph. I couldn’t believe it. I asked him, “are you  serious?”. He said. “yes, Miss”. He had a piece of lined paper and a pencil. I signed and printed my name with a tear in my eye. He said, “thanks Miss, we are glad you came to our school.”

It was a good stuttering day!

I sure didn’t used to see humor in my stuttering or getting made fun of. But I guess as you get older, you see things differently, or should anyway. Otherwise, how do we de-mystify it for kids coming up behind us and impart to them that they shouldn’t take things too personally? It’s hard, but usually when I step away from the moment, its not all that bad.

So, I am going to see what humor can be found in these recent little blips on the radar.

I like to play lottery numbers. That is probably my worst vice these days. I spend a couple of bucks on a daily number and usually play the big jackpot games too. Hey, you gotta be in it to win it. I play numbers at the same store a few times a week. When I went in there recently, I  told the clerk what I wanted like I always do. The number was 992 – it came out n-n-n-nine-nine-two. The clerk laughed and repeated it back just like that, asking me if I was sure I wanted six numbers in a three number game. I got embarrassed, felt my face get red, and tried to repeat it. I stuttered again on the same sound. He laughed and mimicked me again.  Aaargh! So the humor in this was . . . . .  I should have told him I was bucking for three times the prize if I won!

When I went to the deli to order some american cheese, I blocked on the “A” and it came out like “ah-ah-ah-ah”- couldn’t get the word american out. The guy knew what I wanted – I get the same thing every week. 

Sometimes I say the brand first, to ease the words out. I didn’t this time, and he made me pay. He made some dumb comment like “Who ever heard of someone not being able to say what they want? Just for that, you will have to buy the chicken wings that are on sale tonight.” I was astonished that this guy actually said that. But, I have since shared this story with people who stutter and people who don’t, and the general reaction: people have burst out laughing. I guess its so hard to believe that someone said it, that its actually funny. So, now its my chicken wing story!

When I drove my partner’s car over to my mom’s house on Mother’s Day, her neighbors were walking in their house just as I drove up. My mom’s husband has a very similar car. Neighbor says, “whoa, you trying to compete with Paul? Where did you get the ride?”  I started to say, “Its my hus-hus-hus-husband’s car”. The guy busts out laughing, and says “How many husbands do you have? Tell us. We won’t tell.” I was embarrassed and just said Happy Mother’s Day. I should have said ” I have four husbands – do you want to take a number?”

Easier said than done – yes. But you can’t take this stuff too seriously. Its not worth it. We have to have a thick skin if we want kids and teens to stand up for themselves and not let little stuff get to them.

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff!  Happy Stuttering Awareness Week!

I remember watching the movie “Crash”. I could identify with all the different things that unwittingly came together at the same time. Good movies have a way of sucking you in like that. Several things happen innocently in the background, but are poised to crash and get your attention. Life is like that. Things can happen and feel like a 10 car pile-up.

I have had times like that in my life. Who hasn’t? It’s what you do after the crash that counts. I recently experienced a crash and was put to a test.  My car died at a very inconvenient time. (Is it ever convenient?) I was on my way to an important appointment. I was going to find out the cause behind a nagging medical issue I have been grappling with and admittedly putting off, hoping it would just go away.

Why do we do that? They usually don’t just go away on their own.  To top this off, my partner was having issues too. He had another surgery coming up, dialysis was causing numbness in his arm and hand, and he was taking his frustration and anger out on me.

I called the Road Service plan. Stuttering crashed the party! When the operator came on to take my service call and ID number, I blocked and could not get my name out. That almost never happens. It may have been the stress exasperating my stuttering. It was at that very moment I felt the crash. The operator lost patience and hung up on me. How humiliating!

Before I was able to take a deep breath and call back, the dam burst and I lost it.  I hate to lose control. I started to cry, right there in the parking lot with my car grinning up at me. I crashed emotionally, in slow motion. My heart started pounding, I felt dizzy and I was not just weeping, but doing the whole “full blown, choking, gulping, gasping” kind of crying. I could not catch my breath, and felt pitifully vulnerable. I leaned against the car and just let go. It was going to have to run its course. I just hoped no one would see me like this.

Not meant to be. The maintenance guy came out of nowhere and stopped to see if I needed help. I pulled myself together enough (sort of) to tell him what happened. He said the Auto teacher was in the garage helping a student.  He called him to look at my car. He told me if I bought the parts and a tire, they would be able to fix it.  It would be a lot cheaper, and I wouldn’t need a tow service.  Suddenly, I was calmer and my breathing was back to normal. While I talked to these guys, I was stuttering, but they didn’t seem to care. Funny thing, neither did I.

I pulled my phone out, called my doctor’s office, and told them I was running late. They said they would wait.  A friend came and got me, and I made it to the appointment. Nothing life threatening – annoying, but fully treatable!

Parties are crashed. Cars crash. Sometimes people do, too. The key is moving on. I passed the test. I survived.

Today is my nephew Nicholas’ 10th Birthday. Happy Birthday Nicky!

Yesterday I went into the sacred space with my trusted mentor J, and we talked. Really talked. Its amazing how intimate we can get with each other when both of us are present and recognizing this truly sacred space. I refer to this as  sacred space because we agree to be honest, no matter what, and non-judgemental. We are free to be our authentic selves.

And we talk about life, and all of its kindnesses, and things not so kind. This is one place where I feel no pressure. There is no pressure to control my emotions, and there is no pressure to control my stuttering. I am just present and he is too, and we let things in, and feel the beauty of sharing.

Sometimes when I stutter, I notice that J watches me with a hint of a smile. Like he is happy for me. We have talked about that, and he acknowledges that yes, indeed, he is happy that I allow all of me to be present with him. And he does like wise.

When our good friend Jean died, we both made a commitment that we would honor her by continuing our journey together, helping  to unearth demons and make friends with them in some way. We both approach our time together from this perspective, and we both leave the sacred space better for having been there.

Yesterday we talked about hurt and anger, two emotions that I have always been afraid of . I am afraid of getting angry – it goes back to the childhood demons. Mostly,  my father’s anger and shame when I stuttered. I did not want to ever get angry like that. So I hold it in, and sometimes turn it inward. But I have been very angry with someone and afraid of expressing that.

J agreed to hold my anger in his heart for me for a few days until I am ready for it. Which I will be. Because we become stronger people when we can confront what life throws us, and do it in a respectful and honest way.

So, having a sacred space is an honor. Someone cares enough about me to hold my anger until I am ready to invite it in. Like I have invited stuttering in. And my other complex parts that make me who I am. (I have talked about spirituality before on this blog.)

Does anyone else share this experience? Do you have someone where you can say absolutely anything and know that it will be respected and honored? It truly is sacred work we humans do with each other.

I had the chance to do some follow-up with Adam about our gentle disagreement that we had about whether I should consider myself a stutterer since I don’t stutter as “nasty” as him.  That’s one of the great things about stuttering – we all stutter so differently that it is really a unique situation for each of us. And, emotions – forget it, they run deep. Of course, that’s not news, but the intensity of the “credibility” issue was for me. It kind of caught me off guard.

Jamie had posted a comment on my Facebook page calling me a “Stuttering Diva” since I’ve been so open and posted some Youtube videos. Adam’s response was that I should be called “Fluent Diva” since, in his opinion, I don’t stutter. He said that he had watched one of my videos and thought I was really fluent. Based on that, he said that I shouldn’t consider myself to be a stutterer, especially since I can’t compare to his “nasty stuttering”. 

So I responded to Adam, gently reminding him that every body’s stuttering is unique and situational, and that we shouldn’t generalize the stuttering experience based just on our own. I felt defensive, but I think I was pretty positive and upbeat in my comment to Adam.

Lucky for us, Adam responded and we corresponded about this. I asked him if it would be OK to quote him on my blog, and he gave his permission. So, thanks again, Adam, for bringing this whole fascinating phenomena to light (to me, anyway – I am sure its been discussed zillions of times).

There shouldn’t be competition between covert and overt stuttering, or mild and severe stuttering. We all stutter, period. And differently. (Interestingly,  episode #111 of Stuttertalk’s podcast, featuring Jamie, talks about some of these very same issues here).

So anyway, here’s what Adam had to say.

“I hope I didn’t sound too harsh. Sometimes when I get angry and extremely frustrated with my own stuttering, which is a daily event, I get awfully mad at myself, and I have no one to take it out on. So I often take out my anger and frustration with my horrid stuttering on people who I wouldn’t normally say mean things to. It’s hard having no one to vent my anger and frustrations with.

I probably would feel so much better and happy if there was a NSA support group in my area, but alas there’s not.  I would never intentionally make others upset–I’m just reacting to my own stuttering.

And if people have good or bad days where they are more fluent than others, in all honesty, I don’t remember the last time I have had a day where I stuttered less than others. I wish I could say there have been days where the words flow better than others–but I really don’t remember the last time I have had a day like that.

But–whether your stuttering varies from day to day or not–I wish you all the best in stuttering! God, what I wouldn’t give to live with lots of stutterers!! In a world where we were not mocked, and had fun. Like a utopia- a perfect world! But darn it- there is not a  NSA chapter close to me. I’m desperate to get some companionship with others that stutter. Strength in numbers always wins!”

I let Adam know that there is a NSA self help group closer to his area than he thought, and he said it was still too far away. I suggested he consider starting one of his own. I offered to help him. I also offered to talk on the phone or skype with Adam whenever he wanted. Adam declined, saying that he has to expend way too much energy and still can’t say what he wants,  and no one would understand his “nasty” stuttering anyway. I gently encouraged him to re-think that, because we stutterers have patience and that we would both benefit. He said patience didn’t matter, he is a long way from being ready for a phone conversation.

This whole scenario really touched me. Adam’s concerns deeply resonated with me. I was reminded that there is so much more to do, and that we have to build our community, one person at a time, so that we all feel comfortable in our own skin and communicating our own way. I Do Me!

Adam – You Rock! Know that the world loves you just the way you are!