Archive for November 2010
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I was doing some cleaning up and ran across this printed piece that a student gave me years ago. She had told me that she was a really good “excuse maker”. As I read this over and reflected back (I was covert then about my stuttering), I think, “so was I “. But not ready to admit it.
I read this today and realize that I still make excuses. We all do. Take a look!
I was thinking about it but . . . I was going to but . . . I want to but . . . I wish I could but . . . These are the excuses we give for sitting on our butts. We tell ourselves we are waiting for something to happen. We tell ourselves something is missing. We tell other people we will do it, whatever it may be, but we never do. If you think what you need is not there, find it. If you cannot find it, make it. If you cannot make it, find someone who can. If you do not have the money to pay them to make it, get it done on credit. If you have no one to borrow from, ask someone else to borrow it for you. If you do not have credit, get some. If you cannot get credit, go out and do something that someone will pay will pay you for so you can pay for what you need. There are not “buts” so big they cannot be moved. Once you move the “butt”, everything else will follow.
Hmmm . . . I recall this student being 17 or 18 at the time. I thought she was so insightful for her age, having that and sharing it with an adult. Funny how its one of the things I saved and that I just happened upon today while in a reflective mood.
We cannot keep waiting for things to happen. We have to make them happen, or life will pass us by. Right? What is passing you by?
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I have written about friends who stutter here before. I have many friends whose names begin with J, so if you are reading this and think its you, you’re probably right!
J and I hung out the other night. It’s good to spend time with friends who stutter. We can let our guard down, stutter freely and sometimes, offer candid feedback to each other about stuttering moments. Not always a good idea with non-stuttering friends.
I went to his place and we talked for a while before leaving to see a play. We weren’t sure where to park when we got there, so I called and asked for directions. No problem making the call and stuttering a bit during the brief conversation. I stutter more on the phone, like many of us who stutter.
J then decided he wanted to make sure the play was not going to be too “somber and depressing” for a Thursday night, (he wanted to be entertained) so he called them back. He said he would “practice his speech on the phone”, as that is when he stutters the most too.
As soon as he started talking, he started to tense up, lean forward and block. Immediately, he stood, turned his back to me and walked away as he tried to push the first word out and then move into conversation. This really surprised me. He has never reacted like this, at least around me.
Of course, I have not seen him make many calls. When he calls me on the phone, I can’t see him, only hear, and he is very comfortable with me. I rarely hear him stutter over the phone.
When he finished his call, I mentioned this. I offered that it looked like he did not want me to see his struggle. He said he always does that on the phone. He tenses, leans forward and blocks and that he needs to stand and walk to help him move through the block.
I quietly wondered aloud if he was also uncomfortable with having me actually “see” this struggle. I asked him if he was ashamed of that, and he simply said “maybe”.
We talked about it a little more a couple of days later, and he said it’s not really shame. He said that when he gets in a block, he can’t think. He is so focused on the block that he can’t think. He says anyone around him is a distraction, and that I was a distraction, that’s why he had to move, so he could think.
His blocks are silent blocks, that over the phone I am not going to hear. There is no audible stuttering. Watching him initiate a phone call really allowed me to see the physical tension he has.
It was good that we talked about it. I suggested that if he allows himself to struggle in front of people he trusts, he can desensitize himself when it really happens making calls at work. And I further offered that he is not always going to be able to move away from distractions, and that maybe he needs to think of a way to work with this.
I remember when we recently listened to one of my podcast episodes together. When he heard me stutter on a “p” sound, which I always do, I felt embarrassed having him hear it. I commented “I hate when I do that.” He said it doesn’t bother him and asked, “Why are you so hard on yourself?” I simply said, “I don’t know.”
Yes, it’s always good to talk about our stuttering with someone else who stutters.
It’s A Thing I Do – Episode 35
Posted on: November 19, 2010
Episode 35 features Tsvetana Dimitrova, who hails from Sofia, Bulgaria. Tsvetana works in academia. Her PhD is in Linguistics and she works at the Bulgarian Academy of Science in the Linguistics department.
She is the editor of a business newspaper, called the Bulgarian Daily. Tsvetana is also a member of the Executive Board of the Bulgarian Stuttering Association.
It is safe to say that this is one busy woman. I am privileged she took time late one night (to accommodate the 6-hour time difference) to share parts of her stuttering journey.
Listen in as Tsvetana shares memories from her childhood stuttering, early speech therapy experiences and family support. We also discuss public speaking,and how challenging and stressful it can be. She shares how she initially didn’t think she could succeed at speaking publicly as a woman who stutters, but happily proved herself wrong!
We also discuss Toastmasters, which is a world-wide organization to help people from all walks of life improve public speaking and communication skills. Her self-help group is aligned with Toastmasters, and all of the members are people who stutter. They record their speeches and post them on You Tube, to encourage, inspire and learn from each other. Tsvetana has also appeared on television, reporting about her experience using the Speech Easy device.
This was a great, honest conversation infused with some humor. Listen for when Tsvetana reminds us that “Stuttering is not a disease. You can’t catch it.” Words of wisdom!
Credit for the podcast safe music clip “Fireproof Babies” goes to ccMixter.
Fluent Talk on Stuttering
Posted on: November 17, 2010
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A friend of mine, Burt, pointed me to this great video he found. Thanks Burt! A guy who stutters explains what stuttering is and how it impacts his everyday life. It is a great illustration of how to raise awareness of stuttering, as well as an example of his good graphic work on the video.
He also describes this talk he did as an “Ignite Talk”, which I have heard of before, being familiar with Toastmasters. It is a fresh and fast way to deliver a presentation that only allows 15 seconds per slide. This forces the speaker to be short and concise in what he or she is delivering and keeps the listeners involved, as the talk moves swiftly along with the slides.
Credit for this video goes to John Moore, of Brand Autopsy. He has a comment section set up on his blog if you want to leave him specific comments. This is a terrific piece for all people to see, both those who stutter and those who want to learn more about stuttering.
About Colors
Posted on: November 16, 2010
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I had the chance to see the Tyler Perry directed movie “For Colored Girls” on its opening weekend. It is the film version of a play written by Ntozake Shange called, For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf. It ran on Broadway in the 70’s.
I had heard that it was a dramatic swing from the usual comedy of Tyler Perry, of “Madea” and” Diary of a Mad Black Woman” fame. I like message movies and the stellar cast promised brilliance, which did not disappoint.
It was a stunning movie – so much so that I wished I had seen the theater version. Perry adapted the play so that the film told the story of seven black women each going through their own private hell. Their lives dramatically intersect, and we see glimpses of joy and hope.
The stage version included what is called a “choreopoem”, the merging of about 20 poems which illustrates each woman’s story. Perry handled that masterfully in the film version, allowing the beauty of the poetry to help each woman speak her truth.
For that is what the movie was really about. I heard and read that some people thought it was just another “black movie” and that it was exclusively about the black female experience. I didn’t see it like that at all. What I saw and heard was the experience of person-hood from the perspective of women. So I did a little research.
The stage version had all of the characters represented as literal colors – there was the “Brown Lady”, the “Blue Lady”, the “Purple Lady”, etc. The authors original intent was to portray women in all the different colors of our lives, not necessarily just as “women of color”. The reference to “For Colored Girls” doesn’t mean just skin color – it is much more than that.
One reviewer of the film, (see full article here) writing about how Perry adapted the stage version and got it right, says, “It has to do with mood, heart, spirit, experience, emotion, and expression — our standing or the lack thereof. I think when we understand women correctly, society changes. When women understand ourselves correctly, we change society”.
I found this perspective, and the movie, to be so very insightful about women in general. Regular readers of this blog know that I am a woman who stutters. I started a podcast for women who stutter to tell their stories, and share their truths, and to recognize the value of just that, having a space to share.
All of us need to understand and be understood. This applies to both men and women, of course. Women have always had less space, less voice, and we need to seize the opportunities we can to tell our stories. The more we share our truths, whatever those truths are, the more we understand and help each other.
The more we talk about whatever it is that we previously felt only shame, guilt, fear or failure, the easier it gets to make it just a part of our truth and who we are.
That’s what this movie did for me. It reminded me that we are unique and complex. Our lives are fabrics weaved from our emotions, experiences and expressions. No matter what issue we have that makes us feel flawed, we need to express ourselves and our truth. Only then can we have an understanding of all of the “colors” of our lives.
If stuttering had been one of the colors in the stage version, I think I would have liked it to be “The Color Green”, representing harmony and peace.
My Covert Career – Episode 34
Posted on: November 12, 2010
Episode 34 features Patrice Nolan, who hails from Bennington, Vermont. Patrice and I have been good friends since meeting at a NSA conference several years ago. We realized we only lived about an hour from each other, and have visited each other many times over the last several years.
Patrice has been a Speech Language Pathologist (SLP) in the Vermont and Massachusetts schools for 33 years. She is also a certified teacher for the hearing impaired. Throughout her career as a SLP, she has kept her stuttering hidden. Until attending her first NSA conference, Patrice didn’t even realize what covert stuttering was, despite being in the speech field.
Join us as we discuss what Patrice refers to as her covert career and how she has managed to pull that off as a SLP. She shares honestly about how much energy she has spent on avoidance and rehearsal, her main techniques to appear fluent. We discuss how listening can be compromised when constantly rehearsing what she is going to say.
Patrice also shares about her first therapy experiences as an adult, which she refers to as “The Other Side of the Table.” And we discuss a TV program that Patrice loved as a kid. It may have been the first weekly television program that featured a regular character who stuttered, depicted positively.
This was a great conversation with a friend, who realized that it was not as hard as she thought to share her story. Feel free to leave comments or ask questions or just let Patrice know what a great job she did.
Credit for the podcast safe music clip “Echoed” goes to ccMixter.
Eating Lightbulbs
Posted on: November 9, 2010
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Have you ever dealt with painful stuff that you just hoped would go away if you just ignored it? I used to be an expert at it – trying to push pain away, hoping it would just disappear. But sadly, it doesn’t work like that. We have to feel it if we are ever to move past it.
Part of the reason I was so good at being a covert stutterer was that I had learned from a very early age how to pretend everything was OK when it really wasn’t. How it felt to stutter, to struggle, to feel different, to not be able to talk about things.
The same with the childhood stuff. Covering up my mother’s alcoholism, my father’s abuse, and his crazy religious ideas, and not being able to talk about any of that, ever. Everything was covert, not just the stuttering.
I had myself convinced for a long time that if I just pushed the painful stuff away and denied it, that it never really existed. But it never went away, it just stayed buried in a deep down place. Lately its been surprising me by exploding all over, much like a dormant volcano when ready to erupt.
Funny how these things happen. You begin to work on one thing and you find yourself dealing with everything else. Opening Pandora’s box about stuttering has allowed an opening for the other stuff to seep out. I can’t process how I felt about hiding my stuttering all those years without also talking about how it felt to hide the other stuff too.
I had myself convinced that not feeling, being numb, was safer, easier somehow. I did not want to feel yesterday’s pain anymore. But what I have learned is this: in order to heal and keep moving forward, I have to feel those painful moments and give voice to those painful memories. I have done well with facing my fears and shame about stuttering, by talking about it and being open, not hiding any more.
Now I have to do the same thing with the other stuff, in order to continue my healing and rid myself of guilt. Maybe I really am on the path to forgiveness. Then I won’t have to be so uncomfortable with feelings anymore. Because that’s what most of my journey has been about – being numb and not dealing with feelings.
J has been helping me with this. As we go deeper and deeper into that inner space of mine, the feelings are coming up. I have been really angry at my parents for a long time, and sad for that little girl that I still identify with, who was lonely and scared and confused.
When these feelings surface, and they have more and more lately, J pushes me to identify what I feel. I used to just swallow the feeling, push it down, but now I am letting myself feel, even when it causes real pain.
I talked with friend Jill recently and we shared some deep stuff. She used the phrase “eating light bulbs”. I knew exactly what she meant. Every time I feel the wave of sadness or anger or guilt come up, I feel like I am swallowing shards of a light bulb or a Christmas ornament that was dropped.
Tiny, jagged pieces of glass ripping at my throat and insides as I swallow. It hurts. But it hurt way back then too and I need to acknowledge it. Maybe that’s what I am learning here – how to eat light bulbs the right way.
Why Be Angry? – Episode 33
Posted on: November 5, 2010
Episode 33 features Sadia Khan, who hails from Brampton, Ontario, Canada, by way of Pakistan when she was just 3 years old.
Sadia is a Grade 3 teacher, which was a life-long dream. Teaching is meaningful for Sadia, as she was told in high school that she should not be a teacher because of her stuttering. Her guidance counselor told her she would be a poor role model.
Listen in to this fascinating conversation about being a teacher who stutters despite having a very negative experience herself in school. Sadia shares about her fear of judgment and largely keeping her stuttering hidden from work colleagues. She shares how important it is for her today as a teacher to create a place of comfort and safety for all of her students.
We also talk about how angry she was with her dad for many years, and how she finally let go of that anger and forgave her dad. Sadia tells us about how she was naturally left-handed and her dad forced her to become right-handed. She thought maybe that trauma of having that change forced upon her was why she started stuttering.
Sadia has been involved with the Canadian Stuttering Association, and gave a speech about her journey with being a woman and teacher who stutters. She has also spoke on the radio about stuttering.
At the end, we have a great back and forth about learning how to build confidence as women who stutter.
As always, please feel free to leave comments for Sadia. Please tell her what a great job she did sharing her story. I think many teachers who stutter will be inspired by Sadia’s courage to share.
Credit for the podcast safe music clip “Firebabies” goes to ccMixter.
On Fatigue
Posted on: November 3, 2010
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How does fatigue affect your stuttering? For me, I can almost predict that my smooth speech will “fall apart” towards the end of a long speaking event. I hate that phrase “falling apart”, but that is exactly what it feels like when I am tired and still need to press on.
I had a bunch of presentations to do yesterday, three in the morning and two in the afternoon. I do not specifically practice any techniques, but when speaking for a long time, I do tend to be more aware of my pace, try to pause more and use vocal variety (Toastmasters strategies). I also drink a lot of water.
As I tire, I can feel my speech change, despite paying attention to what I need to do to feel comfortable. I lose the energy needed to project my voice, which helps me maintain what I consider my “comfortable speech”. The change happens noticeably – I have more repetitions, which when I notice and “feel”, I then lose my train of thought and start word finding.
It’s really not that big of a deal, because no one seems to notice but me. But I notice that I am noticing, as funny as that sounds, and I just don’t like being so aware of how my speech breaks down.
I stutter more when I am tired. Nothing profound, but I really notice it. What about you?
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