Make Room For The Stuttering

This is the text from a letter to the editor that was printed in my local newspaper yesterday, in response to an article of mine that ran on Sunday. I did not see this in the newspaper. Some friends called me to tell me they had seen it and were very excited for me.

And my sister called me today, also wanting to be sure I had seen it and offering congratulations. She also said it was pretty cool that some of my stuff was being published in the paper. She said she was proud of me. I will admit, that was very nice to hear.

(first published July 29, 2009 Opinion page, Times Union Albany, NY)

Pamela Mertz’s “Should she be dressing up or dressing down?” (July 26) struck a raw nerve with me. I am a stutterer and could relate to a lot of what she described about her early life, especially the bullying and teasing she endured on account of her speech problem.

Last year I was initially thrilled when The Stuttering Foundation, a nonprofit group, published a 36-page book, “Trouble at recess,” which is a guide for kids on handling bullying and teasing. My enthusiasm for the book later became despair when I learned that it was selling at a record pace; such big sales numbers convey that there is a great need for the book in this country. The Web site of the Stuttering Foundation (www.stutteringhelp.org) has a lot of free resources for parents and kids, such as many streaming videos and download-able brochures.

I am glad that Ms. Mertz shared this painful aspect of her childhood because it will serve to educate the public about the bullying faced by kids with all kinds of handicaps.

John W. Beneski

Enfield, Conn

I was not intending to plug bullying when I submitted the article, but I guess I am very glad that it was seen in this light. If I can help one kid not be teased or bullied, then that is a very big deal.

I emailed the Stuttering Foundation and let them know they got some publicity, thanks to John’s kind words and the fact that my local community newspaper finds stuttering important enough to publish these things. That is really special.

It took me a long time to realize that it is me that gets in my own way. I hold on to stuff for too long and I get stuck. I have been asking myself for a while now, what will it take to get unstuck and move on to the place where I want to be.

Part of it is finally recognizing that I really want to move on. That is one of the most daunting things about change. It can be so scary that sometimes we will stay stuck in a miserable place because it is familiar and what we know.  Sometimes we would rather stay in that place rather than take a chance for change and move forward.

I did that for a long time with my stuttering. I stayed stuck because I was convinced that no one wanted to listen to me. I didn’t want to listen to me. I passed up opportunities and kept quiet. But my insides were screaming to be heard – my heart and soul both wanted their voice to be heard. I had things to say, important things to say. I let my stuttering hold me back. Maybe some of you can relate. It can be lonely doing that.

I have also got in my own way in my pursuit of happiness. Wow, it feels good to even say that, actually admit it. I can feel myself welling up as I write. It’s tough to admit that I am not perfect, when I always thought I had to be. I have allowed fear of change and the unknown to get in the way of what I really want. And I think what I want is the same thing everyone wants. To matter, to make a difference, to help people, to have  rich relationships and to able to share all of this with someone who values the same, and me. I was always afraid of saying what I really felt. Afraid I would cause a conflict. Or hurt someone’s  feelings. I was, and maybe still am a little, a “people pleaser”. Part of it was also my fear of rejection. If I pleased everyone, I would be liked and included. Or so I thought.

It didn’t work. I was having internal battles with myself all of the time. You can’t stay bottled up all the time. You have to be true to yourself, and that includes taking risks. Big leaps of faith, sometimes. There are ways to be honest without purposefully hurting someone. And if you do, well, that’s OK too. Life is full of that. We are not meant to say yes to everything and everyone, at our own expense. Our sense of self and our soul is far too important to sacrifice who we really are. When it comes right down to it, we have to be gentle with ourselves and nurture our soul in order to genuinely be able to do that for others.

I have started doing many of the things I want to do, and I am finding it very easy. It is just happening, almost with no effort. I am talking, being open, sharing my experiences, expanding my comfort zones and my world in the process. One of the biggest things that has gotten in my way is my fear of being alone, so I have stayed too long in a place that no longer feels right and makes me happy. I am making some moves to change that, finally, and kicking myself out of the way.

Have any of you ever got in your own way? It’s hard to see that sometimes, isn’t it? Yeah, it is.

Deepak Chopra is one of my favorite writers and thinkers. He helps me make connections between what I am thinking and feeling, and how my thoughts impact the world. He explains connection in a very special way:

“When an experience is so powerful that it motivates people to change the whole pattern of their lives, we call that a breakthrough or an epiphany. The value of an epiphany doesn’t just lie in some new or exciting insight. You might be walking down a street and pass a stranger. Your eyes meet and for some reason there is a connection. The epiphany is is that you are that stranger – your experience merges with his. Call this a feeling or a thought – its the sudden expansion that counts. You are flung outside your narrow boundaries, if only for a moment, and that makes all the difference. You have tasted a hidden dimension.”

People who stutter very often feel an instant connection with other people that stutter. You don’t even have to know the person and a bond is formed almost instantly. When this happens, as Chopra reminds us, we come out of our world and into someone else’s and we feel that deep connection. I saw that in action this weekend at the Friends conference in Tampa and two weeks ago at the NSA conference in Scottsdale. People who stutter feel comfortable immediately with someone else who stutters. Very few words need to be exchanged – the acceptance is just  there.

It happens with parents too who come to these conferences. First-time parents are immedialty welcomed and drawn into the shared experience where personal boundaries are let down and the parent becomes the stranger they are first meeting. These connections are powerful.

Some of these connections seem almost magical, mystical, meant to be. Often, the universe is trying to tell us something through that other person. The key is to let it in. Sometimes we don’t let these things in out of fear, or because we have always been told or thought to be wary of strangers. But sometimes you just know – you pass someone on the street and your eyes meet and you just sense a connection. Or with me, sometimes I see a little child so focused on play and delighting in a  moment, that I feel a tug on my heart. The child’s innocence seems so palpable, that it makes me yearn for the same carefree delight. Sometimes you can get lost in that magical moment of fragility and wonder, and you are reminded that life is really about these special moments.

I felt that connection when I saw children who stutter all fitting it and sharing with each other. There were no deep profound conversations going on with the kids, yet the connection and acceptance was obvious. And the parents too – when parents were sharing with each other, some total strangers, you could feel the connection from the smiles, nods and shiny eyes that threatened to spill over. The pull was so strong, it was electric.

Free sharing can be so powerfully motivating that it can really change the whole pattern of a person’s life. How wondrous to hear that and know that. Friends kids and teens and parents who have surrendered to the stuttering and embraced it, accepted it, let it in and realized how unique and special it makes them. I can remember one 14 y.o. girl say, “I wouldn’t trade my stuttering for the world. It makes me who I am.”

Because I have allowed my own heart and mind to be open, I have found myself connecting more and more with people around me. And I am not even trying – it just is happening. When your soul is ready, the right people and right relationships come in and leave an imprint.

Right now, my heart and soul has been imprinted by a very special connection. Someone who shows me that it is OK to share my humanity, which, with the right person,  is lovingly received. Our experiences are merging in a special, significant way. We have gone into each other’s world. 

Sometimes connection is handed to you like a gift. We have to be ready to receive the gift, and know that the giver is not looking for something in return, but will likely get something very powerful back anyway. As such, we should anticipate and shiver with excitement when we unwrap this special gift and feel the magic of connection. The gift that keeps on giving, and brings meaning to our lives. As seekers, we will find what we need if we are open to receive it.

I just returned from the Friends Annual Conference in Tampa, Florida. It was three days devoted to kids and parents accepting stuttering, and realizing that their lives can be full and meaningful with stuttering.

There were so many great workshops for parents and kids, and for the adults who stutter who were also part of Friends. And there were some absolutely powerful moments that packed a punch. I will share some of these here today.

I had an opportunity to co-lead a workshop with a remarkable 16 y.o. kid named Matt and his SLP Heather. The title of the workshop was “In Thier Shoes.” The idea was to help parents realize that a kid’s participation in speech therapy has to be the kid’s choice, not the parents. Matt was courageous enough to share that he had told his parents at one point that he no longer wanted to participate in therapy, that he needed to work on himself first, and find acceptance. His parents respected that and allowed their child to make a choice. Matt then went on to say that parents need to understand that it does not help to ask, “Why aren’t you using your tools?”  And other discussion that led into realizing that thinking and feeling and communicating is so much more important than finding ways to be fluent.

Why was this so powerful? This was a 16 y.o. young man, sharing his experience and beliefs with a circle of fifty adults, parents who think that they have to make the choices in the best interest of the stuttering child. Matt’s courage, vulnerability and authenticity was remarkable. At one point, he choked up and got a little emotional. This display of honest emotion from a teenage boy was incredible, and his parents were in the circle. Matt is in such a good place with his attitude about stuttering, a place many adults have not visited.

This was so affirming! Everyone felt the impact of Matt’s word and applauded his willingness to share. I added my piece on adult feelings about stuttering, that acceptance is often more important, and my thoughts on the therapeutic alliance. This workshop definitely grabbed people and reminded us of the power of honesty.

The closing ceremony on Saturday afternoon was just as powerful. All of the kids, teens and adults who stutter were asked to write on a card something we felt about stuttering or wanted to tell someone. Then the parents were asked to write a thought they wanted their child to know. Then the lights were dimmed and those of us who stutter stood in a circle behind the chairs, where parents were seated. We were all given a card different from the one we had written. Parents were asked to close their eyes. We moved around the circle and whispered these thoughts into the parents ears. It was calm, relaxing and powerful. Things whispered were like: “Stuttering is beautiful.” “We love you.” “Stuttering makes me Me.” “I wouldn’t trade stuttering for the world.”

Then the parents and stutterers switched and the parents whispered into our ears. Imagine. Just imagine this. Close your eyes and picture people coming up to you and whispering positive things. It was so powerful, so affirming, so loving. The room was charged with an energy and spirit that we will all remember for a long time. Then everyone was given a balloon, and we wrote our sentiments on the balloons, and just sat quietly, with the lights dimmed, acknowledging the moment and how stuttering had brought all of us together. What a special memory!

Saturday night at the farewell dinner dance, I talked to a mom for a while. She came up to me, saying she remembered me from last year, that I had left quite an impression on her. She said although I might think she was corny or just being weird, she wanted to tell me how she felt. She started telling me about her two boys who stutter, and how anxious she was at first. The boy’s dad is a surgeon, and the parents first thought was that stuttering could be fixed, just like other things dad had fixed. But mom and dad realized it wouldn’t be like that, stuttering couldn’t just be fixed. And besides, saying something needs to be fixed implies that it was broken, and their boys are not broken.

Mom went on to say that when she first met adults who stutter, she knew it was going to be ok for her sons.. Not easy, but OK. She went on to say that she thinks I am amazing, that I’m touching lives. That someone may think that, but may not always take the time to say it. Well, as she said it to me, I just felt incredibly overwhelmed, felt my eyes wells up and tears started streaming down my face. She said she was sorry for making me upset, and I told her I wasn’t upset, just genuinley moved. She got teary too. She then hugged me, and and wished me well, and invited me to call her anytime if I ever wanted to talk.

After a few minutes, I went to the rest room, to catch my breath. Tears were still streaming down my cheeks. Talk about being affirmed. I felt all filled up. It was amazing. Her name is Kate. “Thanks Kate. Your healthy attitude is perfect for your boys. They will be OK.”

These are some of the moments that will stay in my heart!

Lucky me!  I am traveling again this week, this time to Tampa, Florida, where I will attend the 2009 Friends Conference. I am scheduled to arrive late Wednesday night, so by this reading, I will be into second day of what promises to be an exciting weekend for kids and adults that stutter, and those that love people that stutter.

Last year, I attended my first Friends conference in New Orleans. I was hooked. The intimacy of the conference provided a much different feel. Everything is kid and family friendly, right down to the family style meals.

I will be volunteering to work at the Friends store, and hope to help out with two workshops. One will be on Voluntary Stuttering with parents. The other will be digital story-telling with kids and teens. We will record brief clips that can be posted to You Tube and the Friends webpage.

I will be back on Sunday July 26, and will write about some of the best moments. It will probably be hard to choose!

One of my favorite motivational pieces is one written by Maryann Williams, and spoken by the great Nelson Mandella at his 1994 inaugural address. I have used a snippet of this piece at graduation ceremonies I have helped to facilitate for students and  Honor induction ceremonies.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? Your playing small does not serve the World.

There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won’t feel unsure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. As we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

That last line is so powerful – “As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”  I have felt this happen in my own life. There have been moments when I have felt so liberated, so empowered to stutter freely, and when I do that, it signals to others that it is acceptable. I let my light shine.

Yet, that has not always been easy. I have been stuck in the feelings of shame and inadequacy, just like everyone feels from time and time, and it is at those times where it is so difficult to let the light shine.

People who stutter often fear letting their light shine, feeling they are not good enough, that they don’t have anything of worth to say, that they won’t be understood. Feeling misunderstood is terribly lonely, and requires courage to push past that and take a chance anyway.

We have to take chances – with our stuttering, our voices, our dreams and hopes. Or else we will never know what we can achieve. I have finally realized how much I have to say and want to give to the world. And freely and fully share with another person, who wants to do the same. Its been inside all of this time, just waiting to come out. I think all of us possess inner strengths and gifts that must be nurtured and set free.

When we allow ourselves to shine, others see that and dare to think that maybe they can too. Young people especially need to see adults take risks and reap the rewards of self discovery, hope and pride. Every time we feel the fear and do something anyway, we are one step closer to achieving our goals and living our dreams, living fully, embracing life, and accepting. When we open the door, the light comes in. We have to be ready to let it in and go back out to the world, letting our own unique light shine.

Stuttering makes me unique and special. It is part of my inner beauty and captures the nature of my soul. How about you?

Last night at support group, we had a lively discussion about stuttering, shame, and acceptance. People are on very different stages of their journey. Some of the newer and younger members talked about their feelings  that stuttering puts them at a social disadvantage, and that stuttering is socially unacceptable. Interesting, in that some people feel that this perception will never change, and that the fluent world will always have the upper hand. That a stutterer should try everything he or she can do to hide the stuttering, to lessen the shame.

I don’t believe that at all. I believe quite the opposite to be true. I think we need to stutter openly in front of others to show we are accepting of stuttering. That will translate into, “I’m OK, you be OK.”. What the fluent world becomes conflicted with is our own mixed messages. We want to be treated with respect, be heard and listened to, yet we also try to hide that which we need to self-advocate for. We really need to raise our voices and give ourselves permission to be heard, as is.

We need to tear off our labels and  free ourselves. If we think we are different and accorded different reactions by the larger population, then that is exactly what is going to happen. Surely, you have heard of the self-fulfilling prophesy. I remember back in elementary school, we had this fund-raising program where we had to bring in soup can labels. I remember trying to tear the labels off the soup cans – some were stuck on their good and had to be soaked in a little water. But once the labels were off, all of the soup cans looked the same and were at a level playing field. No one kind of soup was better than any other. All the cans looked the same.

We could do the same thing with our stuttering selves. Tear off the self-imposed labels we put there: inferior, inadequate, at a disadvantage, shameful. We project these labels onto others. If we are confident and self-aware and proud, that will project to our listeners. Our listeners will then follow suit. If we don’t make a big deal of it, then neither will they.

Someone mentioned it is a way of taking back the power. We should never put ourselves in a position to give that power away. That is far easier said than done. I am sure we are all guilty of that. I will be the first to raise my hand. We dictate how the fluent world reacts and engages with us. Imagine freedom from labels. Children will grow up not knowing shame, and will be healthy and strong communicators. Which we all yearn to be.

What will you do with your labels?

I have cried a lot of tears this week. It’s my week to be very emotional, I guess, something that I never used to allow. The tears have come at all different times, and quite unexpectedly. This was the week after a wonderful stuttering conference, and its always bittersweet to return home to an environment that does not have the same level of support. When I take the time to think of  the emotions I felt during  those four affirming days, fresh tears come, as I feel the emotions again and again. As the tears fall, my soul strains to listen to the sound they make.

It is particularly hard to come home, all awash in those wonderful feelings of peace and acceptance, when “home” does not get it. It is hard to carry over those feelings to the “outside world.” When I got off the plane, I immediatley felt the strain, the tension, the stress. My insides had told me all weekend I didn’t want to go home.

I was missing friends already. Going back to work Monday morning felt surreal, like the weekend hadn’t really happened. I picked up right where I left off with some unfinished work projects. Co-workers asked me about the conference, and showed polite interest. It’s not the same to talk about it if you didn’t experience it.

So going back to my emotions. My tears have been like waterfalls this week. Part of it is missing someone who I have become close and comfortable with, part of it is joyfulness at remembering the best weekend moments, and part of it is pure authentic expression that just seems to happen when I touch my feelings. I can’t seem to turn the tears on and off.

I have felt the gamut this week – joy, sadness, anger, relief, contempt, guilt, lonliness, fear, hope – sometimes all so rolled up together that I can’t even identify what is what and which part is touching my core. All I know is that the deepest parts of my heart and soul have stirred this week, and my internal response has been tears. Some of it has been stuttering related, and some just life related. Like I am searching, yearning,  for something, and can feel it’s reach and pull.

Maybe I just need to empty my mind of these thoughts – feel them – and then start over. Reminds me of one of Rumi’s poems:

“Soul receives from soul that knowledge, therefore not by book  nor from tongue.

If knowledge of mysteries comes after emptiness of mind, that is illumination of heart.”

So, what is the sound that tears make as they fall? I suspect I will have more time to listen as my soul continues to stir, my mind clears and I embrace that which needs to be embraced.

Friday morning of the NSA Conference started with the Toastmasters Demo workshop, which I helped to facilitate. That was a lot of fun. A young girl gave her first ever speech and she was quite impressive. A covert guy made his 7th speech and stole the show with his energy and poise. We had newcomers try Table Topics questions, and we had good questions at the end. People who stutter are definitely looking to come out of their comfort zones by trying Toastmasters.

The Friday morning keynote speaker was also very good. A young man from St Louis who works as an on-air radio talk show person spoke about his journey with stuttering. His speech was wonderfully entertaining and inspirational, although he hardly stuttered at all. Spoke mostly about his childhood difficulties with stuttering and missed opportunities due to stuttering. I heard some buzz later in day and evening that maybe its not a good thing to have someone deliver a keynote to stutterers if he/she is not going to stutter. Can be thought about in many ways, certainly!

Friday afternoon was the Stuttertalk Podcast Live workshop. Two programs were recorded, with a total of four guest panelists (including me!) working with hosts Peter and Eric. The workshop was scheduled for three hours and the hope was that it would be a packed room. It turned out to be a small crowd, but one that allowed for more audience participation. Audience members asked lots of questions and good stuttering dialogue was recorded. Watch for these episodes to be posted soon on www.stuttertalk.com. These guys continue to do amazing work to educate the stuttering community. I was very happy to be included, as a good friend of Stuttertalk.

I will admit that I missed the early action on Saturday morning. Stayed up very late on Friday night enjoying the peace and tranquility of the pool area and chatting for hours with new friends. I made a supreme sacrifice by choosing to miss Saturday morning speakers. I did catch the tail end of the second keynote address, a motivational speech from a fluent speaker.

Saturday afternoon, I attended the Covert Panel workshop, which was what  helped me to finally realize the impact of hiding stuttering for so long. That first Covert Panel I attended in 2006 was about me. Sure, they used someone else’s name, but the story was mine. So, this year, I listened to the emotional stories of Evan, Hannah and Bob as they told of the enormous struggle to keep stuttering hidden. This was the workshop where the emotions welled up most for me, where the tears formed and lodged tightly in my throat and chest. I didn’t want anyone to see how much it was effecting me, to see and hear others who have shared my same pain with covert stuttering.

The last workshop for me on Saturday was the one I facilitated with friend and roommate Patrice. We talked about “Pushing Past the Fear”, and how everyday fears we have parallel the fears we have about stuttering moments. By design, we had lots of audience participation and good sharing. One young woman even shared publicly how she had been so fearful of leaving an abusive relationship, and finally found the courage and a way to push past it and do what was right for her. Her honest share really hit home with me. I was so proud of her. We hung around a few minutes afterwards and talked about what her life is like now. It was a good workshop, sometimes good to talk about other things in our life. Several people commented that they especially liked how every person in the room felt included, as we were not just gearing toward stuttering.

It was a great conference, a really impactful one. I was totally immersed in the experience and felt free to explore my feelings and meet other people. And that I did. I really wanted to meet others who I had not met yet,and I far exceeded that personal goal. But I will also admit to sharing the most time with one particular person. For whatever reason, we hit it off, and wound up talking and stuttering together for hours. We sat by the fire and sat by the pool, and never tired of talking about our feelings and fears. There is something to be said for real open and honest communication.

It frees the soul.

Don’t you wish you had been there? I still have goosebumps thinking of the  more emotional moments, and there were many!

All of us experience good times and bad times. Things change, people change, we have beginnings and endings, and our feelings sometimes get in the way. Those darn feelings can sometimes come out of nowhere to cast shadows, sometimes making the bad times seem even worse.

Those of us who stutter have good days and bad days regarding our speech, as well as everything else. When you are having bad speech days coupled with feeling bad about other stuff, it can sometimes feel terribly overwhelming and lonely.

So what do we do? I am in a patch like this. My stuttering has been changing and I have felt increased tension. My personal situation is changing and there is tension there. All of this tension has made me feel helpless. I need to surrender some of this, despite my desire to want to be in control. Sometimes we just cannot be in control. We have to recognize those moments. I have to remind myself to be gentle and kind to myself. And let someone else help or be in control. It is times like this when I have to let down my guard and just let go.

The Serenity Prayer comes to mind when I feel lost and out of control. It is widely used in 12-step addiction programs, and most certainly applies to stuttering and other feelings of helplessness. The Serenity Prayer has always held meaning for me, as I first heard it and really let it in when my mom was battling alcoholism and other demons.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

We need to be wise enough to look inward to our soul and ask ourselves what we can handle and what is outside of our control. We also need to be wise and brave enough to recognize when a change is needed, and go for it, even if it is incredibly scary. We need to connect to the people in our lives who matter and let them in. Being other-focused rather than self-focused helps us see the forest through the trees. Others have been doing that with me lately, and it has felt good. Affirming. Warm. Needed.

One thing that helps me tremendously is talking with others. As bad as I may feel about something, reaching out and sharing with someone else makes me feel better. There’s something to be said for honest dialogue, from the heart, shared between two people. Giving of oneself is almost a tonic for making the self feel better, full,whole, soulful.

So we can get through the bad times. We don’t have to do it alone. I don’t have to do it alone. We are a community for a reason. Let people in.

Do you agree? What do you do when you feel helpless?

There were so many wonderful workshops to choose from at the NSA Conference this year. It was so hard to decide. It was kind of like stuttering heaven, because everything promised to be a learning experience. What follows is a brief description of the workshops I attended and some reflections. Because this could get long, I will focus on just one day here, and write another entry about Friday and Saturday workshops.

When I got to the hotel Wednesday night, I was asked right away if I could fill in and host Open Mic at 8:30 on Thursday morning. I did it as a favor to a friend. Only about 5 people showed up, so we all talked casually for a little while. One person who came was a friend I had been chatting with for a while on Face book. It was so nice to meet her in person. It was like we knew each other already. Everybody introduced themselves and shared a little bit and we ended early. Stutterers tend to forge immediate bonds with each other.

Next I went to the First Timers Workshop. I wanted to introduce myself to some of the newcomers. I remember how nervous and overwhelmed I felt when I arrived at my first conference in 2006. It was in Long Beach, California, all the way across the country. I was actually scared to death, because it was my first time acknowledging my stuttering. I remember a few people welcomed me, and now I want to do that for others. I walked around and introduced myself to about 10 people. 5 years ago, I was too paralyzed by fear to do that. Now, I want to give back that same welcome and warmth I felt my first time. Paying it forward is definitely important in the stuttering community.

New to the NSA Conference this year was a research symposium that included a panel of experts in the field who provided an overview of research and updates in the field. This was one of the best parts of the conference and was very well attended. There was a panel of 5 experts in the  field, and topics included ADF devices and feasibility and updates on the pharmaceutical pagaclone. There were other discussions as well and opportunity for questions from the audience.

I attended a Parents Round table discussion in the afternoon, with one other adult who stutters. We were the only two non-parents in the group. New parents were expressing concerns with their kids being too isolated, withdrawn and asking advice of each other about what to do. Different speech therapy approaches were discussed, as well as honoring the child’s request to not attend therapy. Parents talked of the concern of lack of awareness in schools about stuttering. I shared that there are probably adults in their community who would be willing to visit schools and  teach about stuttering. I shared how I have done that, and what an impact it has on me and the school – both kids and staff. The parents workshop was one of the most heart-felt to me, as emotions and feelings were freely expressed and shared, and the support for each other was overwhelming.

The final workshop I attended on Thursday was another Open Mic session. This time, there was a good crowd. Veterans told their stories and got emotional. New comers told their stories for the first time, and brought both laughter and tears. Open Mic is the best place to hear people’s stories and so many take advantage. I got up and shared how I still marvel at how much I have grown and changed in just 3 short years.

It is amazing how hungry for knowledge and information the stuttering community really is. Workshops were well attended and lots of questions were asked. It appears that stutterers themselves – consumers – are very interested in advances in research. And very interested in participating in discussions about the issues we all face on a daily basis. We all learn from each other, and that is the power of bringing the community together.

I am glad that I chose to get so immersed in this years conference. I shared, listened, participated, and facilitated. I left my heart and mind open to new ideas and possibilities, and shared my stuttering self with as many people as I could.

I will write more tomorrow on the other workshops I attended. This was indeed a very special conference, one that has touched my heart in many ways. The connection I felt to my stuttering peers helped to deepen my own connection to my soul, and for that, I am grateful.

Mere words can’t accurately describe the deep sense of peace that washed over me for much of the weekend.

I wasn’t going to write about this, but its been on my mind since good friend Mitch told me and some others this story Friday night. I shared it last night at support group, because a young man asked me how do I handle negative reactions.

As you know, I just returned from the NSA conference in Arizona. It is a stuttering conference. There were well over 600 people there, the majority of whom stutter.  Other people there included family members, SLPs and people who care about stuttering. Anyway, down in the lobby bar late Friday evening (actually early Saturday morning), I ran into a few friends still up discussing something that Mitch had overheard earlier, out in the hotel parking lot.

He had walked by a group of three guys, talking and leaning against a vehicle. The guys were talking about their experience at the hotel. One guy said something that everything was great, except “you got these stutterers here at the hotel, and they take so fr-fr-fr-fr-fr-icking la-la-la-la-long to say anything, its ridiculous and holds everybody up.” Mitch heard this whole thing and was furious, of course. Mitch is a person who stutters and SLP. He said he walked past the group, put his hand on his chest/heart area, and said, “That hurts, man.”

When Mitch came in, he was obviously very upset and shared what happened. He was very angry that these people actually said this, and very angry with himself for not having said more. I could tell the way he told the story that he was fuming, disappointed, angry, and hurt. It was the hurt that I sensed the most. I think he reacted the best way he could at the moment of impact. He couldn’t know if these guys had been drinking, what might have happened if he really “went off” on them, or if his engaging them might have fueled them even more.

I thought a lot about this and wondered how I would have reacted had that been me.  I would have been angry and hurt as well, too, and probably very disappointed in myself if I didn’t at least say something. But it’s hard to know what one would really do in that situation.

I remember a  time when I was truly being made fun of. I felt such shame. It was about two years ago, when I went into a store to play lottery numbers. The clerk laughed when I stuttered, and mimicked how I said something. I had to repeat it, and he laughed and mimicked a second time. I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t – I was stunned, paralyzed with shame and embarrassment, and worried about what the people behind me in line must be thinking. I remember my face getting red and hot, and when I was done, I practically ran to my car. I then started crying, the big sobbing, gasping kind of crying, and just stayed there like that for about 10 minutes.

I was really ashamed of  crying like that, and more ashamed that I let the guy get away with it. I was so angry with myself for not being strong enough to correct and educate him. Just so you know how it ended, I stewed over it for about a week and couldn’t let it go. I found the courage to call the manager of the store. I almost started crying on the phone with her, but stayed composed and told her what happened and how disrespected I felt.

She was stunned into silence and apologized profusely. We actually talked for about 20 minutes, and she asked me what I wanted. I told her I just wanted her to know, and she said she would do sensitivity training with all of her employees. She also commented that it was very brave of me to call and tell her what happened. I learned from that experience.

So, I guess it depends on the moment and what we are comfortable with. There is always going to be someone who teases or mocks someone with a difference. We don’t live in a perfect world, and none of us are perfect. I am still learning to not be so hard on myself, but sometimes it just happens. And I try to learn from that. Sometimes I think I care too much what other people think. And I remind myself I am human.

My friend Mitch handled his situation and emotions in the best way for that moment. What do you think?

I am still feeling as though I am on cloud nine from this weekend spent in the desert with so many people who stutter and people who care about the stuttering experience. I will surely  have several different blog posts this week, to describe workshops I attended and to share some of the specific experiences that moved me.

But today, I want to just discuss and explore the feelings associated with being at a stuttering conference and then coming home. I was anxious this year heading to the conference. No one else from my home chapter was able to go. I had always hung out with my group and felt safe. This time, I would be on my own to meet and greet. In a way, this turned out to be my best experience yet at a stuttering conference. I felt especially free this weekend, to meet new people and really spend a lot of time getting to know people.

Funny things happened. People came up to me, wanting to meet me. People who have seen me on Facebook, or YouTube told me they felt they already knew me and looked forward to doing it in person. This felt really good. I spent a lot of time doing this. Several people told me I come off just as I seem – warm, comfortable, approachable. Years ago, I would have been embarrassed by this. This time, I just took it in and allowed myself to feel how good it felt. I smiled a lot, hugged a lot, and felt my heart stirring with warmth ( not just the desert heat!) 

I am going to share 3 specific “best moments” from the conference today, but already have the ideas in my head for several other conference specific posts for later in the week. I had such a full experience, from the moment I arrived, and really want to share it all. My heart and mind were both open for this experience, more so than for the first three conferences I attended.

Thursday night’s Opening Ceremony set the tone for what would prove to be a very special weekend. One of the best moments for me came as a shock and surprise. My name was called to join a presenter up on the stage. I had no idea, but learned I was being presented with the award for “2009 Volunteer of the Year”. My NSA Chapter members wrote up a beautiful speech and Diane Games read the heartfelt words. My hands started shaking, I got a huge lump in my throat, and the tears came. I was so honored and moved, and felt such an amazing warmth, as I was recognized by my friends from home who could not be at the conference. I was asked to say something, and could not. I think my tears of joy said it best. I felt warm and loved and blessed and held and at peace in that moment, which continued on as I hugged friends who congratulated me, which kept the waterfalls going.

Another “best moment” was actually best hours. I mentioned that I took time to meet new people and really talk and get to know folks. I had an absolutely wonderful time getting to know a new friend, Ammar. He is a warm and caring person, and someone with whom I felt very comfortable. We talked and talked and talked for hours, losing track of time and others. My heart was very open and I found myself sharing parts of me with Ammar that I usually keep pretty guarded.  We shared our stuttering, laughter, serious moments, worries and fears. Ammar shared with me that I am very approachable and break the ice so easily with people. He also said he finds my stuttering attractive, as it is smooth and relaxed, and that even with blocks, I appear able to easily maneuver out of them. This was the third time I have heard this in about six months.  It really did make my heart spill over with a warm sense of self.

I also felt so comfortable stuttering with many different people, and noticed that others noticeably loosened up and stuttered freely with me as well. I felt my openness and willingness to share that part of me helped impact others in a positive way. Some people who have been very covert shed some of that over the weekend and used the words “liberated” and “empowered”. I was deeply moved and touched by this. I honestly felt I was making a difference and allowed the warm feelings to pulse through me, instead of feeling embarrassed and pushing the feelings away.

Another “best moment” was when I stopped and spoke with Gary, a SLP from Oregon. He approached me, and said he’d been looking for me since the first day. He told me he read an article I wrote, which was published in several places, my blog and the Friends newsletter. It’s the article on “Things I Look For In Therapy.” Gary told me how he read it and found it to be one of the best pieces he has seen on stuttering. I was overwhelmed. He said he used “MY” article for his graduate class and included it as a question on his final exam. How cool is that? I was truly overwhelmed to think that something I wrote quite some time ago has had that far of a reach, and I didn’t even know it. It made me feel proud and happy and warm, and I felt the tingling warmth in my heart again. My heart was brimming over for most of the weekend.

This was a powerfully affirming experience for me. I am reminded of  how far I have come and why it is so important for me to share with others. It is a healing journey, filled with ups and down, twists and turns. My tears this weekend were cathartic and cleansing. My authentic self rose to the top this weekend. I hope you got a sense of just how special and loving this was for me. I felt part of such a wondrous community. This much I know is really true.

I look forward to sharing more later this week.