I have cried a lot of tears this week. It’s my week to be very emotional, I guess, something that I never used to allow. The tears have come at all different times, and quite unexpectedly. This was the week after a wonderful stuttering conference, and its always bittersweet to return home to an environment that does not have the same level of support. When I take the time to think of  the emotions I felt during  those four affirming days, fresh tears come, as I feel the emotions again and again. As the tears fall, my soul strains to listen to the sound they make.

It is particularly hard to come home, all awash in those wonderful feelings of peace and acceptance, when “home” does not get it. It is hard to carry over those feelings to the “outside world.” When I got off the plane, I immediatley felt the strain, the tension, the stress. My insides had told me all weekend I didn’t want to go home.

I was missing friends already. Going back to work Monday morning felt surreal, like the weekend hadn’t really happened. I picked up right where I left off with some unfinished work projects. Co-workers asked me about the conference, and showed polite interest. It’s not the same to talk about it if you didn’t experience it.

So going back to my emotions. My tears have been like waterfalls this week. Part of it is missing someone who I have become close and comfortable with, part of it is joyfulness at remembering the best weekend moments, and part of it is pure authentic expression that just seems to happen when I touch my feelings. I can’t seem to turn the tears on and off.

I have felt the gamut this week – joy, sadness, anger, relief, contempt, guilt, lonliness, fear, hope – sometimes all so rolled up together that I can’t even identify what is what and which part is touching my core. All I know is that the deepest parts of my heart and soul have stirred this week, and my internal response has been tears. Some of it has been stuttering related, and some just life related. Like I am searching, yearning,  for something, and can feel it’s reach and pull.

Maybe I just need to empty my mind of these thoughts – feel them – and then start over. Reminds me of one of Rumi’s poems:

“Soul receives from soul that knowledge, therefore not by book  nor from tongue.

If knowledge of mysteries comes after emptiness of mind, that is illumination of heart.”

So, what is the sound that tears make as they fall? I suspect I will have more time to listen as my soul continues to stir, my mind clears and I embrace that which needs to be embraced.