Make Room For The Stuttering

I Get In My Own Way

Posted on: July 29, 2009

It took me a long time to realize that it is me that gets in my own way. I hold on to stuff for too long and I get stuck. I have been asking myself for a while now, what will it take to get unstuck and move on to the place where I want to be.

Part of it is finally recognizing that I really want to move on. That is one of the most daunting things about change. It can be so scary that sometimes we will stay stuck in a miserable place because it is familiar and what we know.  Sometimes we would rather stay in that place rather than take a chance for change and move forward.

I did that for a long time with my stuttering. I stayed stuck because I was convinced that no one wanted to listen to me. I didn’t want to listen to me. I passed up opportunities and kept quiet. But my insides were screaming to be heard – my heart and soul both wanted their voice to be heard. I had things to say, important things to say. I let my stuttering hold me back. Maybe some of you can relate. It can be lonely doing that.

I have also got in my own way in my pursuit of happiness. Wow, it feels good to even say that, actually admit it. I can feel myself welling up as I write. It’s tough to admit that I am not perfect, when I always thought I had to be. I have allowed fear of change and the unknown to get in the way of what I really want. And I think what I want is the same thing everyone wants. To matter, to make a difference, to help people, to have  rich relationships and to able to share all of this with someone who values the same, and me. I was always afraid of saying what I really felt. Afraid I would cause a conflict. Or hurt someone’s  feelings. I was, and maybe still am a little, a “people pleaser”. Part of it was also my fear of rejection. If I pleased everyone, I would be liked and included. Or so I thought.

It didn’t work. I was having internal battles with myself all of the time. You can’t stay bottled up all the time. You have to be true to yourself, and that includes taking risks. Big leaps of faith, sometimes. There are ways to be honest without purposefully hurting someone. And if you do, well, that’s OK too. Life is full of that. We are not meant to say yes to everything and everyone, at our own expense. Our sense of self and our soul is far too important to sacrifice who we really are. When it comes right down to it, we have to be gentle with ourselves and nurture our soul in order to genuinely be able to do that for others.

I have started doing many of the things I want to do, and I am finding it very easy. It is just happening, almost with no effort. I am talking, being open, sharing my experiences, expanding my comfort zones and my world in the process. One of the biggest things that has gotten in my way is my fear of being alone, so I have stayed too long in a place that no longer feels right and makes me happy. I am making some moves to change that, finally, and kicking myself out of the way.

Have any of you ever got in your own way? It’s hard to see that sometimes, isn’t it? Yeah, it is.

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2 Responses to "I Get In My Own Way"

i’m not very good at putting into type what i mean to say ,unlike you who has a very special gift …this has me very emotional as it reflects a lot of what i feel or felt …so thanks pam it makes it so much easier for me to make changes when i know there is someone else as special as you ,making changes as well …..you keep going !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I would say you put this into words just fine. Emotions have a funny way of showing up, huh? They have been flooding over me recently, sometimes overwhelmingly, but they are there for a reason.

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© Pamela A Mertz and Make Room For The Stuttering, 2009 - 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Pamela A Mertz and Make Room For The Stuttering with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. Same protection applies to the podcasts linked to this blog, "Women Who Stutter: Our Stories" and "He Stutters: She Asks Him." Please give credit to owner/author Pamela A Mertz 2017.