Make Room For The Stuttering

I had a BIG deal presentation yesterday, at our opening day Orientation for all school employees, to celebrate the start of a new school year. I was asked by the Superintendent to be on a panel with other colleagues that he would facilitate. We were to dialogue with each other for about an hour. We were asked to not rehearse, because he wanted it to be conversational.

I was anxious about this presentation, not because of normal public speaking nervousness, but because I was telling myself that this was an important enough event that I should try and be as fluent as possible. I hated that I was thinking this, but I was. I felt I had to make a good impression.

Of course, guess what happens when we try not to stutter?

I was fairly fluent for most of my talk time, and then as happens with me, towards the end, as I was tiring, my stuttering slipped out. But I was OK with it at that point.

This was in front of about 500 employees. We on the panel had wireless mics on, and our images were projected up on a big screen projector so that everyone could see us! That was really weird. At one point, I couldn’t resist turning around to take a peek. It was surreal. It didn’t even seem like me up on the screen. But it was!

After wards, people came up to all of us, said we did a good job, great, wonderful, blah blah. Many people came up to me individually and offered congratulations.

But a couple people came up to me and said things like, “Wow, you stuttered much less than you usually do.”

“Are you aware that you didn’t stutter that much?”

“You hardly stuttered!”

One guy came up to me and said, “Very good job. I was sitting next to someone and told her you were doing a very good job for someone with a stuttering problem. The person said ‘no way, she doesn’t stutter’.” The guy told me, “yeah I kept telling her you really do, I’ve heard her stutter at school and I’ve seen her on TV talking and stuttering. She really does.” I couldn’t believe that they were actually spending time talking about this. And that he felt the need to share all these details with me. Before he walked away, he said, “I hope you don’t think I am being a jerk or anything.”

I felt these were somewhat mixed messages. And somewhat judgmental, in a bittersweet way. I wondered, why did they feel the need to point that out to me? Did they need to “qualify” a congratulatory remark with some reference to my stuttering?”

And then I felt, why did I feel such a strong need to be as fluent as I could be in this situation? Is some of my perfectionism coming back out? Do I feel I need to be perfect,so it will be easier for people to love me? Because I have been covert for so long, it was a natural instinct. I am also coming to realize that I have been covert about my emotions for a long time too.

I will be curious how I “rate” myself when I see the recording, because yes, it was recorded. Clips of it will probably end up on our school web site. Will I be ok with that?

This covert phenomena is really complex. Especially when I am overt a lot of the time. I should have been comfortable with colleagues feeling comfortable enough with me to make honest comments like this. But something about those comments that mentioned stuttering made me wonder: “Would someone have commented to a person with a bum leg, gee you hardly limped at all today?”

All in all, I was proud of myself.  People who don’t stutter would have felt understandably challenged in this situation. Right?

Acceptance is acceptance, right? We all strive to love ourselves, our complete selves, warts and all. It is only then that we can love others and allow our self to be loved. We can only become self-actualized when we have accepted our true self and can present that self wholly to the world.

So why then is acceptance of self so hard for so many people? People with differences often struggle to find value and strength in that difference. People who stutter often spend a life time chasing fluency, hiding their stutter, using uncomfortable fluency techniques or spending money on devices that might provide temporary fluency. I have written before on the concept of what if stuttering were the norm. If that was the case, then it wouldn’t be difficult at all to accept stuttering in our lives. Fluent people would instead struggle to accept their fluent speech. Hmmm?

A close friend and I discussed acceptance in depth recently. He wondered if people who stutter as a result of a neurogenic accident – such as stroke or brain injury – who had previously known fluency, would find it easier to accept their stuttering. He pondered that maybe it would be easier to accept stuttering as a  “no fault ” result. “An accident caused the stuttering – see, its not my fault.”  So then it’s easier to accept.

Another example might be: Does a person born without legs have an easier time with acceptance than an athlete who has a skiing accident and becomes a paraplegic? Does a person born blind learn to accept and embrace blindness easier than a person who accidentally loses sight? Does acceptance really have varying degrees based on the severity of the disability or difference?

Interesting. We got into a good discussion about this, because if the stuttering argument holds true, then those of us with persistent developmental stuttering somehow fault our self  for stuttering. We did something wrong, we are not trying hard enough, we don’t practice enough, we don’t want fluency enough. I personally get uncomfortable with all this because then it makes me feel like I have failed.

Maybe someone who has known fluent speech, and then starts stuttering late in life as a result of trauma or accident, perhaps they less blame themselves, as they know it was some “uncontrolled” event that “caused” the stuttering. Friend thinks it would be easier to accept. I am not so sure. I have talked to someone else who started stuttering at age 12, so she knew fluency for many years and now stutters.  Her parents have great difficulty accepting this because she experienced so many years of “taken for granted fluency.” Person herself is moving towards acceptance, after several attempts at trying to regain fluency. (Interestingly, she used the term “failed” when describing her attempts.)

I wonder how many people think about this. Does our level of acceptance really hinge on how long we have had our difference or how it came to be? Or does acceptance just depend on how you view yourself wholly, as a person with unique differences and abilities?

My friend Yara called last night and asked if I had a few minutes to talk. She was emotional and crying before I got even two words out. Yara had been at a friend’s house, sharing dinner and talking. The talking led to disclosure of Yara’s feelings about her stuttering, something she had never been comfortable doing before with non-stuttering friends. Yara shared that she decided to mention that she she had been stuttering a lot more lately, and her friend responded back that she had noticed. Yara confided to me that this threw her for a loop, that she expected her friend to say something like, “Oh, its no big deal. I hardly notice that you stutter.”

When the response affirmed that, yes, someone noticed that Yara really does stutter, and the world didn’t come to an end, Yara experienced an overwhelming wave of emotion. She felt she needed to reach out to someone who could understand. She went outside to place a call and she called me.

Now that doesn’t seem like such a big deal, but for Yara it was. She has always tried to be covert and has NEVER been open about stuttering with anyone outside of her stuttering world. She always tried to keep those two worlds separate. She has never reached out, always tried to deal with everything on her own.

Yara told me how vulnerable she felt and how surprised she was by the powerful emotions. She also said she wanted to reach out to me because she knew I would be proud of her. I was, and told her that. I also told her that if I had been with her, I would have given her a huge hug. And she said, “maybe that’s what I need. Isn’t that odd?” I reassured her that this was not odd at all, that we are all human and need our humanity to remind us of  just that. Yara went on to say that she called me because she wanted to hear “someone who sounds like me.” And she said she had never felt so “free and empowered.” I paused after she said this, a long silence, needed for both of us to let this run through us.

Those words brought me to tears. I felt so moved and proud at that moment, which I don’t fully understand. I was honored that she felt safe enough to do that, to show her emotions and vulnerability with me. I made sure to tell her that, which seemed to bring fresh tears. But they were  good tears. We had shared a tremendously powerful moment. Yara mentioned that her stuttering has been much more pronounced lately and she has felt overwhelmed by it. I gently reminded her that it is all part of the process and shared that my stuttering has been changing and evolving too. Yara mentioned, “Isn’t it funny how our control changes from day to day?’

This exchange took no longer than twenty minutes, but it so touched me. That my friend felt safe enough to call me at a vulnerable moment, and that I was able to be present with her.

Life is made up of moments like this. And it’s about the richness that we cultivate and seek. We have to be sure we are ready to receive these moments as they happen.

Will you know what to do when someone reaches out to you? Sometimes, you don’t have to do anything. Just open your heart.

I went to a conference last week on education reform and what leaders need to do to make sustainable change in the ways we teach our kids. One of the driving messages was the idea that we need to strive for deeper understandings. That it is not enough to just prepare students for tests, that we must ensure that learners can think, challenge and ask the right questions for real learning to occur.

One particular theme hit home for me, as I saw this relating to stuttering as well. “We have a moral obligation to share what we know. Knowledge does no good if we don’t pass it along.”

In the stuttering community, we do have that same obligation. To share our ideas, ask questions, be honest about what works for us and what doesn’t, and talk about our needs. This is the main reason that there are so many good sites and blogs about stuttering. To share information, provoke thought and get us thinking about the tough stuff that maybe is not talked about all of the time.

I know this is why I write. I feel compelled to share what I know, what I think and feel about stuttering in general and my stuttering as it relates to my world and my life. There are many people who are afraid to talk about stuttering. If we don’t talk about it, we lose a precious opportunity to generate ideas and possibly new directions to help each other.

These are a few of the things I feel obligated to do as a person who stutters and has lived this experience.

• openly talk about stuttering, to help normalize it for me and others
• let people know it is OK to ask me questions
• share with people what I think about stuttering
• discuss ideas and research I read or hear about with other people
• teach people who don’t know about stuttering what it really is
• be honest about stuttering feelings – fear, shame, worry, uncertainty
• be encouraging to those who feel negative or hopeless about their stuttering
• talk to kids and parents and SLPs as much as possible about stuttering
• seize teachable moments to help somebody understand on a deeper level
• recognize that each of us who stutter is an expert on our stuttering

We can’t be greedy with our knowledge. Our experience, our journey, what we have learned, is a valuable commodity. We have to share it with others, and as corny as it sounds, light the path for others. I really do believe this is my personal responsibility. We make a difference.

What about you? Do you agree? Do you feel responsible for sharing your knowledge?

Every single one of us who stutters has a different experience and different perspective on our stuttering. But I think it is safe to say that we all agree that it can often feel like we live in an impatient world. Just the way we communicate is fast paced and hurried. Sometimes it seems that people really only go through the motions, that we don’t really listen well to each other. It is often a challenge to stay present and engaged with people when our minds are racing with so many things.

As a person who stutters, I know this well. I used to be very dis-engaged when speaking with someone, because I was so focused on rehearsing what I was going to say next or obsessing about which words I should use, to avoid stuttering. I like to think I don’t do this as much anymore.

I have become comfortable enough to do self-advertising of my stutter. Sometimes I will ask the listener to be patient, but usually I don’t have to do that. Just disclosing and “demonstrating” my stuttering is generally enough to lay the ground work for great communication to occur.

Bu this is not always the case. I visited good friend Jamie this weekend, and was able to get greater perspective from someone who stutters very differently than me. Jamie has long, sometimes very tense blocks. She shared with me that she sometimes has trouble contributing to conversations, as she finds it hard to “jump in.” She has talked about her stuttering and asked people to be patient with her. The saying that “patience is a virtue” is very true when applied to engaging with people who stutter.

Anyway, a special moment occurred when Jamie and I went out to a local ice cream joint. I had brought my camcorder (of course) and we recorded my observation of Jamie’s interaction with a young person who took her order at the ice cream stand. Definitely gave me pause to think. About patience, and saying thank you, and those teachable moments.

So take a look! This is not the best quality video – as we recorded outside at night, but it lends authenticity to the moment. And I myself was stuttering particularly WELL. Which goes to show my own increased comfort with my own overt, evolving stuttering.

What do you think about patience? Do you even think about it?

“Observe the wonders as they occur around you. Don’t claim them. Feel the artistry moving through and be silent.” (Rumi)

Rumi’s words speak volumes, of course. That’s why they have inspired so many. His words seem to find me at those exact moments when I am reveling in something that has impacted me.  When I read the simple, powerful words, I am freshly reminded of the little things in life that often make the biggest difference. Sometimes it is best not to say anything and just be silent.

Like when some one compliments me, I have been trying to not say anything and just let it seep in and enjoy the good feeling. Today at work, I was preparing a bio for a workshop that I will be doing in the Spring. I asked Barb to take a quick look at it. She started reading and said immediately, “Wow, this is incredible.” I was embarrassed and said something like, “How can you tell so quick?  You’ve only read one or two lines.” Barb replied, “that’s all I have to read.” I didn’t say anything else, even when she said it again, after she finished reading it. I just stayed silent and let it run through me.

Later in the day, Barb and Pat came over to my office and we were discussing the upcoming staff Orientation that will mark the beginning of another school year. Barb was anxious, because she has been asked to speak on a panel with the district superintendent about how our organization’s core values play out in every day work life. Barb hates public speaking, and has asked me if I can help her prepare for the panel. I started offering her encouragement and gave her some ideas as to how she might handle certain questions. Then all three of us were just chatting generally about end-of-summer school activities. After about 20 minutes, Barb casually commented, “you know, for the whole time we’ve been talking, you haven’t stuttered at all. Are you aware of that?” Then Pat asked, “yeah, why is that?”

Several thoughts ran through my mind in that quick instant. Like wow, how different this is from two years ago. Colleagues actually feel comfortable enough about my stuttering to comment and ask questions about it. I must be showing that I am comfortable with it. This felt WONDROUS to me. I spent years hiding and making excuses about my stuttering and never wanted to talk about it. And now not only is it OK with me, but it is OK with others around me. In my world.

So I responded by saying  “no, I hadn’t noticed. I guess I am so comfortable that I am not even thinking about.” Then Pat asked me again,”but how can that be, that you can stutter sometimes and then not at all?” I just smiled and said,”That’s just how it is.” And then I stayed silent for a long moment and let it run through me.

It ‘s amazing how I suddenly find myself really thinking about these little moments and how they have become a sort of commentary on my life.  I am comfortable with observing these moments and letting them in. I am not claiming them, just letting them run through me. And feeling the power. And sometimes remaining silent.

Are there moments in your life where you just let them in, wrap them around you and just feel them? How does it feel when you do this?

I received my print copy of the August 10, 2009 Advance, the bi-weekly magazine for Speech Language Pathologists and Audiologists. This issue had a great article on functional therapy for children who stutter covertly. It was smartly written, captured the behaviors that coverts do, and discussed how often covert stuttering is dismissed or wrongly labeled as some other disorder or condition. The author – Jessica Lendon-Holt, MA, CCC-SLP -does a fine job of defining covert stuttering and emphasizes the fact that it is OK to stutter.

Because of my passion for, and history of being covert myself, I wanted to be sure to include this terrific article here. Too many SLP’s are intimidated by stuttering, by both adults and children. It becomes a challenge to create realistic therapy goals when the client does not appear to stutter.

This is worth a read, for all SLPs and all of us who stutter, and who particularly understand covert stuttering.

Here’s the link to the full article: Functional Therapy for the Covert Stutterer.

I would have loved if a SLP had figured out my covert stuttering when I was still a kid, and had the chance to work on acceptance and some techniques. Perhaps I would have grown up without so much baggage and fear of social punishment.

If you have experience with covert stuttering, please share what its been like for either you or a child.

Recently, I have talked with people who stutter who express that they feel closed off from the world because of how they think the world views them and their stuttering. A couple of people have said that they don’t feel they can stand up for themselves because they stutter. They feel taken advantage of and weak. One or two have expressed such negativity and resignation  that it seems like they equate self esteem with their stuttering.

I can so relate to this. I used to feel my identity was tied to two things: my job and how well I hid my stuttering from the world. My esteem – how I felt about myself and whether I liked myself – was enmeshed in two of the larger areas of my life that I had no real control over.

I realized how my identity had been strangled and actually lost when I was fired from my job. I didn’t have any friends outside of the workplace, what little socializing I did was associated with work, and my interactions with people came from work. When I was fired, I lost all of that, literally. No one called me to see how I was doing, no one came by, or even emailed me. I felt like a pariah and so isolated, and realized then that I had depended on my job for my fulfillment as a person, which was ridiculous. I had no outside interests at that time, and was very much alone in a little box.

And stuttering had everything to do with this. As I got older, it was becoming harder to hide my stuttering and I still thought I had to do this, as exhausting as it was. I did not feel good about myself, I did not like myself, and thought stuttering was so shameful. So when I was fired from my job because of stuttering, I thought it was my fault. I stuttered, which made me less adequate than fluents. And I was so ashamed of my stuttering that I couldn’t even explain to my employers that I did stutter. Instead, I let them believe that I was  nervous, anxious, a poor communicator, etc. Trust me, this all had a deep effect on my esteem, who I thought I was and how I didn’t like myself.

So when I hear these people talk about being held back or repressed because of their stuttering, I can understand it, because I was there myself. When self-esteem is lost, a very high cost is paid. If you sit in the back row, avoid eye contact and shrivel up instead of blooming, of course you will not think too highly of who you are as a person.

But there is a way out.  Reclaim your self, and understand you have value to the world. Accept who you are, and that we are all complex and flawed in some way. I am not saying that stuttering is a flaw, but we all have something that makes us different. The first step to accepting ourselves and loving ourselves is realizing that we can help others just by being authentic and offering our true selves to the world. We have to shift the focus from self to others. Who can we help by being our self, spending time with someone else, educating others about stuttering and that it is really just a different way of talking.

This will not happen overnight. Building a healthy self-image takes time and effort. It requires baby steps. I started attending self help meetings and started talking about stuttering. To my utter amazement, people want to hear about it. Then I joined Toastmasters and just started talking generally. And meeting new people, taking risks, opening up, being approachable. That’s how we begin to feel better about our selves and love ourselves – by giving ourselves to others. Like a boomerang, it comes back to you, every time.

We have all done it! Got stuck on a word, got frustrated and fearful that it might never come out, and switched to another word. I hardly do it any more, because I feel more comfortable with just stuttering freely. But sometimes it happens and honestly surprises me when it does.

I was on the phone with a good friend that stutters, having a relaxed conversation. I tend to stutter more on the phone anyway, as many people who stutter do. But when the person on the other end also stutters, forget it, I can really let go and just speak freely, with almost no self-consciousness. We both understand how to listen to each other.

So, I was really surprised when I word switched anyway. I guess it speaks to the complexity of stuttering. Even though I was at ease, the word giving me trouble really made me feel uncomfortable. Like I went to that “nowhere place” and was afraid I wouldn’t come back. If I didn’t come back, where would I go?

I was trying to say the word “easier”. It came out “eeee-eeee-eeee-eeee” and that’s all, at least four or possibly five prolonged attempts. It was not coming. I felt myself tense up and get frustrated.I just wanted to get to my point. So after a pause, which added to the feeling I already had that this was an incredibly long stuttered moment, I abruptly switched and said “better”. I felt a hot flash come over my face as I said it, because I knew I had given in to something I don’t want to give in to anymore.

And I knew my friend was going to catch it, because as a stutterer herself, she was patiently with me in the blocked moment. So it was no surprise when she did say something like, “Ohhhhh, what are you doing? Noooooo!” Unlike a fluent listener who may have no idea of the struggle I felt at that moment, she knew and stayed with me, patiently and unconditionally. I wasn’t patient. I still chose to bail myself out. Why?

I don’t remember doing this so consciously when I was actively trying to be covert and keep my stuttering largely hidden. I think now that I am not fighting my stuttering so much, I am having more surprising moments. More teachable moments, perhaps? Hmmmmm.

I honestly don’t know why I felt I had to switch like that to move past that stuttered moment. Except for just the pure desire to do just that – “move past the moment.” I did not like how it felt. It was slow motion, “eeeeeeeeee – eeeeeeeeee – eeeeeeeeee” , like the sound a creaky floor or step makes when you step on just that right part. It can be kind of jarring to step on that creak and just as quickly, you move to another spot on the floor where it doesn’t creak. So maybe that’s what I was doing. Not liking the sound of the creaky step and moving to a spot where the creaking would stop.

But this I know: I do not want to switch words. Creaks in steps or on the floor are OK.

Does this happen to you? At those unexpected moments? How does it make you feel?

If you are involved with Toastmasters, then you are very familiar with something we call the “Ah Counter.” At every meeting, people take on different roles, to provide structure and feedback. The timer lets us know how much time we have left, to encourage us to keep within limits. The Grammarian suggests we try to use a new word, to build our vocabulary. An Evaluator offers encouraging feedback for a member who has delivered a prepared speech. The Ah Counter counts the number of times members use filler words such as “uhm”, “ah”, “like”, “ya know”, to encourage us to be aware that we are doing this and to try and insert a pause for effect rather than use these filler words.

Most people do this rather unconsciously and it is useful to have it pointed out, so that we have more articulate and meaningful speech. But what about the person who stutters who may use fillers like “uhm” and “ah” as a running start to get past difficult words? I realize that sometimes I do that, and its part of my stuttering pattern. By initiating with an “uhm” or “ah”, somehow I think I am fooling my brain into not getting stuck on a particular word. And it works. It’s almost like sliding into the word. Wow! I have never admitted to myself or others that I do this!

But it’s sort of a conundrum in Toastmasters. I am able to get certain words out more easily, but to the Toastmaster listeners, I am using the dreaded filler words. I realized that I was doing that about a year ago, when I got gentle feedback to “be more aware of my use of  the”ah” phrase.” My first defensive reaction, to my myself, (ha, ha) was, “well, of course they’re going to say that – they don’t understand stuttering.” But I didn’t say anything, because I didn’t want to sound defensive and I DIDN’T WANT IT TO SOUND LIKE I WAS LOOKING FOR AN EXCEPTION! But I did start paying attention more to myself and try to listen for any of my filler words.

I got similiar feedback last week!  I had almost no use of “uhm”  or “ah”, but instead apparently used “and” as my filler to slide into certain words. At my Advanced Toastmaster Club, they don’t hold back and give honest feedback. No fluff! If you can’t take it, you shouldn’t be attending advance meetings. The first time I heard such really honest feedback, I remember thinking: “Wow, this is different. Not as warm, fuzzy and encouraging as my Toastmasters home club.”  I wasn’t sure if I was really ready to hear anything that might relate to my stuttering.

Well, no one ever tied my use of filler words with my stuttering. They were just evaluating me as they do everyone else, which is exactly what I wanted. The only one who had a problem with it was me – internally. I wanted to explain – “Hey, I’m not using filler words. I’m stuttering!” But it didn’t make sense to do that – I saw it as using my stuttering as an excuse and I didn’t want to do that.

I have been more aware of my use of “uhm” as a slide into a word I fear I will stutter on. That’s actually a big insight for me. I have listened more to myself when I speak and try to insert a pause or even take a breath before a word I think I might stutter or block on. So I am using less of the Uhm and Ah, and am now using “and” instead. Geez!  Ok, I’ll take that. Because I have learned from the experience. My stuttering is actually teaching me something and I am being open to it!

Have any of you had a similiar experience? Even if you don’t stutter? How does it feel to get very honest feedback from others?

Every time we open our mouth to speak, we are exposing our self to the world. All of us, not just those who stutter. Sometimes what we have to say is met with by great respect,admiration, or surprise. Other times, we meet with judgement,laughter or impatience. It is easy to forget how taken for granted communication really is in our world. Even with the advent of technology that has threatened to entirely replace one-on-one human interaction, it is still expected that one communicate easily and intelligibly. People with any sort of communication impairment are vulnerable and at a disadvantage, even if not readily apparent.

I worked recently with a young man with Asperger’s syndrome, which is one of the forms of autism. Gabe is highly intelligent, with a quick mind and amazing ability to absorb complex computer theory and logic. But his ability to communicate with peers is off, ever so slightly. He engages in what seems to be one-sided,long-winded conversations,without noticing if the listener is engaged. And he misses the subtle cues.  He doesn’t pay attention to eye contact or body language, and misses when a listener has dis-engaged,or worse yet, is disrespectful. Gabe just keeps going, despite sometimes being mocked, laughed at, or dismissed. Funny thing, Gabe never seems to let that bother him. He appears vulnerable, but isn’t really, because he doesn’t let the reactions bother him.

But it always bothered me when I saw classmates act so blatantly rude towards Gabe. I wanted to interrupt and tell these kids to “Stop, pay attention to him, love him for who he is. Don’t you see how special he is?”  But I never did that. I know why. I didn’t want to embarrass Gabe,or myself. Because that has happened to me. I can remember the sting of hurt, the flash of shame, the moment of feeling that I didn’t measure up. I am not sure if Gabe ever really felt these things. He may just feel free to speak as he wants and not feel any reaction at all to external cues. If that is case,then he doesn’ t need protection,or someone maybe calling undue attention to something he is perfectly OK with. As for me, I wouldn’t have wanted that either, for I would have felt embarrassed. But inside, I would have felt great that someone was sticking up for me.

It’s not easy taking chances,exposing your self  to the world, being vulnerable. Each time we do that, we risk being hurt. But we also have the chance to let the world receive us and embrace us, for who we are, in all of our complexity. If we don’t take that chance, that won’t happen. And we also create a chance to allow someone else to feel free to be vulnerable with us, and let us in. And then we share, and our world grows.

We are vulnerable every time we take the chance to stutter publicly in a fluent world. I do that more and more, and increasingly reap the benefits of doing just that. The world needs us to take chances. The world needs us to stutter freely, so we can teach, help, raise awareness and be good role models. Those of us who stutter are the true experts, and we owe it to the world to take those chances and be heard.

A very special person and I recently discussed feelings about stuttering and what happens when we block. I really found this fascinating, because we don’t always have the courage to ask someone how we sound when we stutter or what it actually feels like for that eternal second that seems to go on and on. He told me that he enjoys listening to my stuttering, because it seems so effortless and shows no sign of tension. I find that to be such an oxymoron, because to me the whole act of stuttering IS tension. If one can speak without effort and tension, then the speech shouldn’t be stuttered. I don’t understand this, and certainly don’t understand when someone offers me feedback that my stuttering is pleasant to listen to. Maybe it is!

My friend then asked how does he sound and look when he stutters. He shares that this is not a question he has asked often, but it is one you can ask a fellow stutterer. I honestly responded that I can indeed hear his stuttering, but it is OK, sounds fine and easy to listen to and that I do not see noticeable tension in his face. That is where he thinks it is most visible.

I wanted to know more, because I feel another person who stutters somewhat mirrors our own experience and allows the freedom to explore and ask these really probing questions. I wanted to know how it really feels when someone else gets caught in a block. Now, I can ask pretty direct questions. We have become close and respectful enough with each other to really be honest. I felt it was OK, that I wouldn’t be too disarming My friend explained his block like this, “well, its like I lose contact and go into this nowhere place.”  As he said this, I felt how he felt. I could picture the place. Getting lost, like its a black hole that you visit, for that split second or few seconds, when you are no longer present and engaged in the conversation. I appreciated his candor so much.

And the amazing thing, we both agreed, is that the listener doesn’t even know this is going on. You lose contact and feel helpless and alone and out of touch with the person you are talking to, and they don’t even know. Its all internal, for those few brief seconds,maybe even mili-seconds. THEY DON”T EVEN KNOW THIS IS HAPPENING. I thought about this for a long time. Your fellow traveler in the conversation doesn’t even know you fell off the trail. Doesn’t even know you feel lost and alone. People who don’t stutter can’t possibly get that.

I got it immediately. Felt it, like getting the wind knocked out of you and you are trying desperately to act as if nothing is wrong. I think this hit on the crux of the whole covert stuttering thing. Both my friend and I had been covert. So when your hiding your stuttering anyway,and then try to hide the fact that you fell of a cliff too mid-way through a conversation, and no one but you knows it’s going on, whoa.

I could not have had this conversation with anyone else. A fluent person would have no idea how this feels. And this really was a perfect way to explain what that LOST feeling is really all about.

What do you think? Have you ever gone to the nowhere place? Can you describe it?

I have mentioned in this blog before that a good friend has a habit of telling me: “The Universe is conspiring to tell you something.” He is so right. The key is to pay attention and really listen to what is being said. It is not always coincidence that things happen – there is a reason.

Today I am going to mention a couple of things that I think the universe is trying to tell me – and that I have been really listening to. I am keeping my heart and soul wide open these days.

Sometimes people come into your life for a reason. There is a reason why we meet and connect with particular people. I have had this experience many times, but just haven’t truly understood it until I really started paying attention. There are people in my  life right now who are impacting me in such a special way. J is in my life to to help me continue discovering the insights and connections I need to move past some of the painful stuff that has got stuck. Then there is the other J who is helping me through a very tough patch and reminding me that my stuttering is trying to teach me something new about who I am. I have a lot of J’s in my life!

 A very special J came into my life 3 years ago,when I was ready to face some of my demons. She helped me find my voice, and showed me unconditional love. Our time together was brief, as the universe determined that she would do more good in God’s hands. She told me  beautiful stories about loving and sharing yourself and letting others in. I taught her about stuttering and its parallels to our lives. Her death reminded me of how precious life is, and that people indeed do come into our lives for a reason.

The universe has also conspired to bring me and A together right now. We are exploring and sharing and learning and connecting. And it is not by coincidence. Sometimes you find just the right person who feels what you feel, understands what feeds your soul and says what you are going to say before you say it. Whe that happens,don’t deny it. Go with it, enjoy it, feel the wonder and the beauty, let it envelop and grace you with warmth.

The universe has also been telling me that it is time to tell all – to no longer keep my feelings buried. I have always wanted to teach, and had a wise person just recently remind me that we do not need to be in a formal classroom to teach. We can teach by sharing our real selves, being honest and exploring that which makes us human. At one time, I thought I couldn’t be a teacher because of my stuttering, so I purposely chose not to teach  Now my stuttering seems to be front and center and I am teaching. The world is a mosaic that needs to be painted with all of our life experiences. We can’t keep some of them hidden, for everything is needed for the rich and joyful lives we want. And that I want.

Each of us has the power to illuminate. That is what I am learning. The universe is giving me feedback and telling me to receive it warmly and let it in. We can all make the world a better place, one person at a time, by listening and sharing. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that my stuttering could make a difference. But it is. Stuttering is a teacher, a listener, a peacemaker, a communicator, a mover and a shaker. Stuttering is a Power that my universe is saying, Listen, don’t deny, you cannot deny Me any longer. Stuttering is spiritual.

What about you? What powerful message is the Universe giving you right now? Are you ready to receive it?

Probably one of the most helpless feelings a person can have is that feeling you get when you lose control. You  probably know what I mean. With me, my stomach feels like its going to bottom out, my chest gets tight, and my heart starts to pound so hard it feels like everyone can hear it. And my face heats up , I feel a lump in my throat and then my eyes start to well up. If the feeling lasts longer than a few seconds, the welling in my eyes spills over.

I feel loss of control when I get embarrassed, because these reactions happen automatically and involuntarily. I also feel loss of control when I get angry, or sad. I always felt like I should be able to control my reactions to feelings. Almost all of the same physical reactions occur.

Loss of control for me has always been significant because I always tried so hard to be in control. All my life I wanted to be in control when chaos swirled around me that I couldn’t control. Things that went on at home when I was kid, that weren’t my fault (but thought sometimes it was). I couldn’t control my father’s craziness. I couldn’t control my mother’s alcoholism. I couldn’t control my brother and sisters. I thought I wasn’t trying hard enough, and always felt guilty that these things were happening around me and I couldn’t do anything to change or control them.

I used to feel I had some control over my stuttering. Fairly early, I began to know which words or sounds I might stutter on, and concentrated on switching words or doing the avoidance thing. That stopped working for me long ago. I started feeling more in control when I dropped most of the covert stuttering and just let natural stuttering out. Since not fighting so hard to not stutter, I have felt pretty controlled with my easy, relaxed repetitions.

But not any more. Not since my stuttering started changing.  I have felt more and more out of control. My speech seems messier, I can’t predict stuttering moments like I used to be able to, and I feel more tense. People have noticed it. I have noticed it. I get embarrassed sometimes, especially when I am willing the physical reactions to not happen,and they do anyway. And then I get embarrassed because I am embarrassed.

Someone who has never stuttered really doesn’t know how it feels to get stuck, even for just a moment. You really do feel helpless, especially if you are around someone new or who is impatient. Even though I tell myself I don’t care what others think, or have at least reduced how much I worry about that, I still sometimes feel the sting of judgement and fear rejection. Even with all of my openness about my stuttering and my willingness to stutter publicly and just do me, that feeling of being negatively judged stays lodged somewhere in a corner of my mind. And then I wonder, will it ever really go away?

This is one of those tougher topics for me. I don’t like to admit that I am sort of a “control freak” and really notice when I feel the loss of it in my life. I guess I chose to write about it today because the control issue has been cropping up more and more for me. I am dealing with personal stressors and I notice much more tension in my overall me. My speech, my feelings, my emotions. I have been reacting much more strongly to the lack of control as well.

What do you think? Do you feel out of control when you get really stuck in a stuttering moment? Will that feeling ever completely go away?

One of the best parts of my experience at the annual Friends conference last weekend was working with the kids and encouraging them to tell their stories. I had thought it would be a good idea to offer a video workshop and give the kids a chance to record themselves and put it on the Internet. I really wasn’t sure how well this would work or if the kids would really want to do it, or if the parents were willing. I know I would never have had the courage at this age that these kids did and do!

I met with the kids on Friday afternoon, explained the ideas and gave them time to think about what message they might want to share about their stuttering experience. 14-year-old Linnea helped me out as co-facilitator. A lot of kids didn’t want to do it. But 15 kids were very excited with the prospect of being able to tell their story in their own words and help raise awareness about stuttering.

So Linnea and I worked with this group and helped them come up with ideas and story lines. But the kids didn’t need much prompting. Once they got into it, each young person had an idea of how to tell their story. So we recorded 10 video clips with one kid or teen , and we did one group clip where three 11-year-old girls wanted to work together as a group.

The videos can be seen here on my YouTube page and will also be uploaded to the Friends page.

This was an amazing experience for me. These kids were so brave, honest and inspiring, it really blew me away. We did the recording on Saturday morning. Many of the kids took their “scripts” with them Friday night so they could practice. I spent time Friday night checking and double checking parental consents. All of the parents gave permission. We all saw this project as a great way to raise stuttering awareness and show real kids deal with the real issues involved with stuttering. I was so proud of each of them – they all touched my heart. Next year we are going to do a video workshop with the parents, which will also be amazing. I know these videos will teach something to everyone who watches.

So big congratulations to Brett, Claire, Katie, Ashlee, Maria, Jimmy, Ryan, Dan, Gracie, Linnea, Carly, Lilly and Sophie. Amazing, courageous kids who speak  from the heart. We must listen.

Here is Gracie’s story. Be sure to check out the rest of them. You will be inspired.