Make Room For The Stuttering

Remember the incredible on-line conference over on The Stuttering Home Page  is going on right now, through October 22, which is officially International Stuttering Awareness Day. On that day, people all over the world will educate and raise awareness about stuttering and stammering.

It is up to us, people who stutter, to educate the larger community. We can do that by being up front about stuttering, talking about it,and being honest about our feelings.

There are some excellent papers over on the conference, covering all things stuttering related. And the interactive comment section features questions and comments from all over.

There are several papers on the Covert Stuttering experience.

Please read Cathy Olish’s paper on her stuttering journey. She still very much uses covert behaviors to keep her stuttering hidden. Her story is heartfelt and poignant.

I will also shamelessly plug mine, Things I Learned In Therapy. Please read and leave comments on all the papers that interest you.

Another one I found interesting, that maybe will result in more research, Understanding Sex Differences in Developmental Stuttering.

Please read, comment, and ask questions on these papers or at “The Professor is In”.  We  learn so much from each other.

The innovative Tech Valley High School in my area held their Open House recently to celebrate their opening in their own new space. For the past two years, the school has been operating in shared space. The creators of this school always visualized the school having a place of its own. It is now housed in a building on the Albany State University campus, and also has as neighbors many of the emerging, high tech businesses that one day hope to employ these kids.

The Open House was celebrated by school leaders, parents, the community and business. It was a huge celebration that concluded with a dramatic Chinese Lion Dance. In the Chinese tradition, the lion dance signifies new beginnings, happiness and good luck. Indeed this school is celebrating its new beginnings in a home of their own. They are also celebrating being on the cusp of exciting new technologies that will attract more business and jobs to the upstate New York area.

I too am celebrating new beginnings. I want to dance the Chinese Lion Dance  myself. This video will have to do! Please watch for a minute and see how exciting the dance is.

I have entered a new part of my life. Just as I did three years ago, when I stopped denying my stuttering and started welcoming it into my life. It was hard and scary and emotional to do that. Change is like that. Sometimes we would rather stay stuck and miserable, because it’s what we know and we fear the change and the uncertainty.

It was the same in my relationship. I stayed stuck in a relationship that had ceased to fulfill me a long time ago. I was afraid to leave. Guilt and obligation held me hostage for a long time. Slowly, I felt my very spirit being sucked right of me and I knew I had to make a change, as scary and overwhelming as it would be. I had long felt that I wasn’t good enough and would never find the right person to share my heart with. I felt I didn’t deserve happiness. Part of that came from a difficult, loveless childhood. Part came from my own feelings of self-contempt because of my stuttering. And part came from a deep fear of being alone.

But this person was smothering and hurting me and I felt it more and more everyday. My feelings for him had long ago been extinguished. I was numb, just as I had been for years as a child. I stayed in this bad relationship out of fear and financial dependence. Wrong reasons to stay with anyone! I knew it for a long time and just needed a bolt of courage to finally “walk the walk” and do what is right for me, for my soul. I found the courage to embrace my stuttering and slowly that ignited my inner reserves of strength regarding other things. I deserve to be happy. We all deserve to be happy. And I do not need another person for that. Sure, its nice to share your heart and soul with another person, but it has to be the right person,and for the right reasons. There has to be a connection. A real one, not one that I thought there should be.

I made a decision about my life. I am responsible for me. I am now living alone. I control my destiny and my life. I am responsible for me. Sure, its scary. I worry about finances and having to cut back, like everyone else. But it is liberating and empowering to know that I did it!  I ACTUALLY DID IT! I found the courage and power to take control of my life, and who I am. I am going to watch the Chinese Lion Dance over and over again, and remind myself that I am who I am, and that I am OK.

Have you ever faced a momentous change in your life, and felt the fear grip you tight? Did you do it anyway? How did it feel? Special, I am sure. It is special.

Sometime ago I wrote about how it feels to be out of balance and feel like I lead two lives. It was in the post called Duplicity. I ended that post with this line: I really want my two worlds to become one, and find that balance. At the time, I was talking about covert stuttering, and admitting to myself, and to whoever reads this, that I still find it hard sometimes to share my stuttering with some people. I still feel shame and embarrassment. Maybe those feelings will never totally leave me.

My sense of unbalance relates to more than just stuttering. Someone pointed out to me that my affirmation of self seems to have to come from others, and that it does not come from within. He asked why is it so important for me to be affirmed by others? It felt like he was questioning my integrity. Maybe he is right.

I write and share my feelings and project this Rock Star persona.  But, am I really that person? Do I walk the walk? Am I honest enough with myself? Am I REAL?

I remember at last year’s NSA conference, Mary and I did a workshop called, “Letting It All Hang Out: Being Real With Our Stuttering.” We got so much positive feedback, as we both took risks and shared our emotional journey. We paralleled becoming real with our stuttering to the story of “The Velveteen Rabbit”, the classic tale of what it takes to become real. It’s a process, and a journey. I remember feeling so proud after doing that workshop. I had really shared parts of myself and allowed pieces out that had not seen the light of day in a long time. I had also allowed my emotions to come out and felt connected with the listeners. At one point, both Mary and I were choked up, and I remember seeing people in the audience getting misty-eyed too.

So now I find myself wondering – am I only real at certain times? When its convenient for me? When I need affirmation? This person’s probing questions made me feel like a hypocrite.

I know we all doubt ourselves from time to time. It is normal. Right? Do you ever feel like this? That our willingness to be real varies from time and place, person to person?

Another story about a Famous Person Who Overcame Stuttering . . . . .

There was a post on Face book earlier in the week from the Stuttering Foundation suggesting that readers click on a link to learn more about celebrities that have overcome stuttering. Now, I have no problem with the Stuttering Foundation. They are a non-profit that does great work raising awareness about stuttering. And they provide many free resources for professionals and consumers alike.

What I do sort of have a problem with is the frequent accolades given to celebrities who say they overcame stuttering. Every time I hear this, I wonder: “What does this really mean?” What do children and teens think when they read or hear in the media of a famous person who overcame the affliction of stuttering? To me, the message seems clear: that stuttering is bad and overcoming it is a good thing.

I did click over to see the article.  Actress Emily Blunt is featured. She is quoted as saying: “One of my teachers at school had a brilliant idea and said, ‘Why don’t you speak in an accent in our school play?’  I distanced myself from me through this character, and it was so freeing that my stuttering stopped when I was onstage. It was really a miracle.” A miracle? Should kids who stutter think the same may happen for them?

I am not sure how I feel about someone who says she “distanced myself from me” regarding her stuttering. It seems like “the me who stutters” is bad. And so many people, including myself, have spent a life time hiding from stuttering and feeling it is something bad, that needs to be fixed, that deserves shame.

I would much rather hear celebrities tell us that stuttering is OK, that it wasn’t so bad that needed to be overcome. In another click on the Stuttering Foundations site, we read about Blues great B.B. King, who talks about his stuttering, which has received little attention over the years. (As a matter of fact, I never knew he stuttered until reading it here on the SFA site). King acknowledges the impact stuttering has had on his life. He says, “I struggle with words. Never could express myself the way I wanted. My mind fights my mouth, and thoughts get stuck in my throat. Sometimes they stay stuck for seconds or even minutes. . . .  I’m still not real fluent.”

I love the way he says this. He does not talk about overcoming stuttering. He just talks very matter-of-factly of the impact it has had on his life. And he shares how family members also stuttered, and the profound influence that had on his life as well.

I wish there were more articles about celebrities who have managed successful lives while stuttering. And who talk positively about stuttering and differences. And the fact that every single one of us, no matter how we communicate, makes a significant contribution to this world.

As a matter of fact, I really wish there were posters portraying ordinary people who stutter leading ordinary lives. We are teachers and doctors and lawyers and engineers and artists and parents and students and so much more. Most of us are ordinary people leading extraordinary lives. Not all of us are going to overcome stuttering. Not all of us need to. Right?

Would kids learn more about accepting stuttering by having more famous role models or just plain ordinary, not famous folks who stutter? What do you think?

I watched the movie “Pride” this past weekend. It was one of those feel good, inspirational movies. It is about a unlikey group of kids who learn to swim and compete as a team. The kids are befriended by a caring adult who helps transform them into a team that takes pride in their accomplishments. The team plays for the Philadelphia  Department of Recreation, calling themselves PDR. The coach (played wonderfully by Terrance Howard) uses the words “Pride, Determination and Resilience” to motivate the kids.  The team excels and overcomes racial adversity, instilling pride and hope in their community.

One of the kids on the team stutters. I did not know this before hand about the movie. It was a pleasant surprise. Trailers for it of course had not mentioned that one of the characters stutters. It is after all not a movie about stuttering. None of the internet stuttering sites had mentioned this as a movie with a stuttering character, which is unusual!

Anyway, the kid is clearly the underdog of the group, the one you feel for the most, as he is taken advantage of by the neighborhood gangs. His stuttering is portrayed very realistically throughout the movie. He is bullied by the gang leader, but there is nothing else negative about the stuttering. As a matter of fact, there is surprise twist at the end of the movie, where this kid does something he didn’t think he could do. His teammates believed he could do it, because of his heart.

I love these kind of message movies. It shows how anything can be accomplished with support, hard work and belief in self. This message was subtly implied about the young man who stuttered too. He did not let his stuttering hold him back. He asked questions, daring to suggest what was on his mind. He spoke up and found something  that he loved and pushed himself to excel. His team mates or coach did not care he stuttered. It did not keep him from swimming.

The motivational words used by the coach – “Pride, Determination and Resilience” can be applied to stuttering as well. There is no reason why we can’t take pride in who we are and how we speak. We should be proud to be communicators who happen to stutter.

We need to be determined to set and achieve goals. Stuttering should not hold us back. We are just as capable as the next person to dream and reach our dreams.

And we are resilient. As stutterers, we bounce back all of the time. We get tripped up, we block, we get embarrassed, and then we pick ourselves up and start all over again. When we do that time and time again, we set a good example, for other people who stutter, for young people, for our children and most importantly, for ourselves.

If you get a chance, watch the movie “Pride”. It is inspired on a true story. It features Terrance Howard as Jim Ellis, Bernie Mac (one of his final acting roles before his untimely death), and Kimberly Elise, of “Diary of a  Mad Black Woman” fame. It’s a great story of motivation and overcoming adversity.

What do you think about pride? Should we be proud of our stuttering? Do you think people who stutter are more determined and resilient than fluent speakers?

I attended a picnic the other day for employee recognition for the agency that I used to work for. It was a really tough decision for me when I chose to leave there almost two years ago. It is such an enlightened environment. It is an organization dedicated to serving people with disabilities. I have stayed connected with them since leaving paid employment. I volunteer to be on a committee that protects the rights of the individuals who can’t speak for themselves when medical decisions must be made. In June of this year, I was installed as a member of the Board of Directors. So I was invited to attend this picnic and I was delighted to be there.

The first person I saw was Jim, my former Director. He and I had a great working relationship. He was always supportive of my stuttering in the workplace and in fact encouraged me to teach him about it. As we walked into the picnic grounds, he told me a scenario about a new employee that he had recently hired who stutters. During the interview, the guy disclosed that he stutters and Jim had said that there certainly would be no problem with that. Jim told me that working with me had helped the agency learn that stuttering was just a different way of communicating.

Anyway, the guy was hired and Jim was directly involved with his training, which is unusual for a Director, but they were short staffed. The guy was a transportation assistant and would be driving a van. That required using a portable radio “walkie-talkie”. When he arrived at a destination with individuals he was transporting, he was required to use the walkie talkie to announce his arrival and to request a “greeter” . He was having trouble making the radio calls, and would often have long episodes of silence.

As Jim was telling me this, he also said that he had encouraged the guy to take his time when using the radio. Jim also relayed that a couple of times the guy was late and when he would be called over the radio to see if he was OK or delayed because of traffic, there would often be no response. Jim asked me what I thought of that. They were concerned about not being able to stay in contact with this guy.

I told him that people who stutter often have trouble with phones and other communication devices. I shared with him that at the school that I now work at, I really prefer to NOT use the P.A. system to make announcements. I don’t like to hear myself stutter over the microphone. And there are plenty of other people who can make announcements and don’t mind doing it. I mentioned to Jim that guy was most likely “blocking” and shared with him what that was and what it felt like to block.

Jim then told me that the guy quit and took another job driving for the city where he would not have to use a radio. Jim said he hoped the guy didn’t quit because of his stuttering and having to use the walkie-talkie. I shared with him that indeed that was a possibility, and maybe the guy did not have the courage to mention to anyone that using the radio was a challenge.

It sounded to me that Jim and the agency did everything right with this employee and that it just didn’t work out, for whatever reason. I think maybe Jim felt he could have done more, and generally felt bad about how this turned out.

I was happy that he felt comfortable sharing this story with me. What do you think? Do you think the guy felt pressure having to use the walkie-talkie as part of his job? Do you think Jim and the agency could have or should have done anything differently?

How many of us who stutter really hate when a non-stutterer finishes our words for us? Many times, its due to impatience. Sometimes, its genuinely due to a desire to be kind and help us out. Now, I have mixed feelings about this. When I am really stuck and someone supplies a word and it happens to be the right word, I might not get too upset. Sometimes I feel like I have been let off the hook and I don’t have to continue in what seems like this eternally long block.

But if someone seems impatient and supplies a word, and it happens to be the wrong one, then I get a little ticked off. I think, “who are they to fill in my word? They can’t read my mind. They don’t know if that was what I wanted to say.” And I stew about it, sometimes having the courage right then and there to say something and sometimes not. I hate when I don’t say anything, because then its like giving them permission to keep doing it. But I don’t want to intentionally embarrass anyone and quite possibly bring more attention to my stuttering. It’s silly, isn’t it? That I still think like this sometimes? But its the reality of stuttering. It’s so complex. It is certainly not just the stuttered speech that is a concern. It is all the different emotions and feelings that go along with this.

I have done talks to various groups about stuttering and sometimes I include a piece about “how to listen to someone who stutters”. I have included things like maintaining eye contact, being present, and not finishing words for them. And here I am saying its OK in certain situations. Well, in case you didn’t guess, that is my covertness peeking out when I react like that. Being let off the hook reduces my shame in that stuttering moment. Yes,sometimes I still feel shame when I get stuck and nothing seems to work to smoothly get the word out.

Now, what about when someone else who stutters finishes your words for you, or vice versa? I found myself in that situation just last night while chatting with A on the phone. We were talking about a whole bunch of things and we were both stuttering naturally. We are very comfortable with each other. At one point, he was saying something and got caught in a good block. Without realizing it, I suggested the word he was looking for, and out of his mouth came, “Thanks Pam for finishing my words for me. I stutter, you know!”

I was momentarily stunned, because I couldn’t believe I had done that. But more so, I couldn’t believe he said that the way he did. Kudos to him for saying that right away. It didn’t matter that I understood the stuttering experience because I stutter. I still had presumed it was ok to finish his words for him, and I shouldn’t have. I was embarrassed and apologized. He was very good natured and said it was OK. In fact, he teasingly exaggerated his reaction of being insulted, maybe to teach me a lesson.

Later in the conversation, he again got stuck in a good block. He jokingly said, “Come on Pam! Why aren’t you filling in the word for me?” So, he got me again, with a gentle, good humored reminder that even between two people who stutter, what we share is similar yet different. We may react and feel differently about the same things. What bothers me may not bother him, and vice versa. But we have to respect each other when we are talking just as we would expect a fluent speaker to respect us.

So, A did teach me a lesson. Wanting to help someone is often a very natural instinct. I did not mean to imply that I couldn’t wait for him to finish or that he might not be able to finish, but maybe that’s what it felt like to him. I will remember that when a fluent speaker fills in a word for me. They are not necessarily being rude or impatient. They may just want to help.

I also learned that when speaking with anyone, we have to be present and patient, no matter how well we think we know the person and how connected we feel. We cannot read minds. Until the day that mind-reading becomes possible, we have to allow each of us the time needed to say what we want to say.

What do you think? Have you been on both ends of this spectrum? Can you understand why it is so complex and varies from one person to the next?

Now here’s something really profound. It is not always easy to stutter publicly. People’s reactions are as unpredictable as my stuttering is.

I work in a high school, which is challenging enough. Add to the mix some stuttering and it feels like a roller coaster ride some days. Anyway, part of my job is to train all the students in the building on sexual harassment prevention. Its a big job for one person. There’s about 500 students in the building, half there in the morning, the other half in the afternoon.

The only way one person can get this done is class by class, so a whole bunch of presentations. So I am talking to kids about negative sexual attention all day. And kids get giggly when we talk about this! Sometimes I have trouble with “s” words, which sex and sexual both begin with. And it would be stupid to try and substitute those words – it just wouldn’t make any sense.

So I have muddled through this week, doing fairly well, managing the stuttering. But yesterday, I was having a stuttery day and “sexual” was not easy to say. Some kids were giggling as I stuttered on the word. It was coming out “se-se-se-se-sex-u-u-ual”.

One kid shouted, “don’t worry miss, no need to get nervous about saying sex. We know even older people have it.”

Whoa, even I had to laugh at that one! The whole class did. We were laughing together, and it was OK.

Presence is extremely important in our everyday lives. It is when we are with someone fully, paying attention only to them, listening patiently, allowing what ever needs to happen, to happen. It is rare to find people able to be present with someone else, especially in our multi-tasking worlds.

How many times have you been on the phone with someone and heard the tell tale tapping of the keyboard? Or been face-to-face with someone in an intense conversation and they answer their cell phone? Or in that same conversation and the listener has that blank look about them, like they have no idea what you just said?

To me, presence is special. It says that the other person is with you, respects you enough to put everything else aside and is connected to you. How do you know when someone is present? I can always tell.

My emotions have been seeping out more and more lately. Uncomfortable for me sometimes, so surely uncomfortable for the other person. Here’s some examples.

Last week, I was talking with mentor J and hit on something painful. My tears started to flow. He did not say anything, just maintained eye contact and silently passed me a tissue. I could see his eyes getting moist too.

I was on the phone yesterday with a close friend and got caught in a pretty good stuttering block. She did not interrupt, attempt to finish my thought, or make any impatient sounds. She just stayed with me, for as long as it took. (And it seemed forever, although it was only seconds.)

I was out to dinner about a week ago with a close friend and we were recalling some of the moments that we have shared. She got teary and choked up. I said nothing, just leaned in a bit and smiled, and listened. Her tears subsided and she looked at me and smiled. We said nothing , but both understood that presence.

I know I need unconditional love and support. We all need that. It is one of our most basic of developmental needs. Unconditionally loving someone includes being present with them at those key moments. It also means sometimes just being silent in the moment, and letting us both absorb what presence really is. The essence of presence is just that – silently sharing those moments that matter the most.

What does being present mean to you? Can you recall the last time you were really present with someone? Or someone was present with you?

Please take some time to visit Danny’s great site, Stuttering Is Cool. He has loads of useful resources, and podcasts on stuttering and all kinds of interesting topics.

Danny is also an artist and a comic, so you can find neat stuff there to keep you entertained as well.

I have enjoyed participating on Danny’s podcasts several times. On episode #61, Tigers, Conferences and Bad Science a woman from Germany speaks about her own fears of stammering, and I speak about my experiences with the stuttering conferences this summer.

When you click on the link, you will see the audio play buttons. My segment is about 8 minutes. Thanks Danny for including me in your show once again. Also, please note that Danny talks about his own increased stuttering. This is something that I have been experiencing myself too.

So, for more good information on stuttering, be sure to check out Stuttering Is Cool. You’ll be happy you did!

I was talking with special friend Ramma and we got deep, as we are prone to do. Since we both stutter, we enjoy engaging each other and asking how we really think or feel about a particular aspect of stuttering. Believe it or not, he tends to analyze more than me! 

So this evening we were talking about blocking, and how he had felt about having a really bad speech day. I asked him about it. Just like me, its easier to have conversations like this with someone who stutters and really gets it. So Ramma made some phone calls on Friday. The person he was trying to reach was unavailable, so he wound up talking to someone else each time he called back. He called three times. The first time, he felt OK about his speech. He said he felt fluent. The second time, he was blocking badly (as he put it), and felt frustrated and bad about it. The third time he called, he was fine and felt fluent again.

I asked him why he felt bad. Was it because he felt bad for the listener? Ramma said no, that wasn’t it. He just feels bad when his stuttering is so unpredictable. He doesn’t understand why it can vary so much in the course of one day, with telephone conversations with the same person. He said it must be the mystery of stuttering.

I chimed in that I often feel the same way, and that yes, stuttering, and how we feel about it, is very complex. Just the night before, someone had asked me about some pharmacy samples. I didn’t hear it clearly, so I attempted to clarify, and asked, “Did you mean sam-sam-sam . . . . .?” It wasn’t coming out. So I wound up saying, “What did you say?’ I gave in, and I hate that, but it happens, almost unconsciously sometimes.

Ramma went on to describe how it feels sometimes when he is stuck in a block. He said it feels like someones hand is tightening on his throat. I asked if he meant feeling suffocated, and he said exactly, that’s how he sometimes feels.

Ramma went on to share that he always remembers the story of Moses, and from descriptions he read, he could relate to Moses’s stuttering. In the Quran, Moses said, “My chest narrows and my tongue fails to express. …”  It is known that Moses asked that his brother Aaron be allowed to speak for him. When Moses went to deliver a message to the Pharaoh in Egypt, it was said that Moses should not be believed since “he couldn’t talk right.” In the Christian Bible, references are made to Moses being “slow of speech” and that he had also asked that his brother be allowed to speak for him.

Ramma really related to the piece about the “chest feeling narrow”. He explained that when he blocks, his chest feels tight and he feels he is gasping for air. We then talked about breathing and how deep breathing is supposed to help. Ramma spoke of hearing about different breathing techniques and asked if I had tried any. I shared that I had, but it’s hard for me to sustain. We both agreed that it is difficult to carry over into real-time conversation, because it takes too much time.

Its funny how much I find we really want to talk about these things, but only with other people who get it. Someone who has never stuttered may not understand that real feeling of being squeezed, choked, restricted, suffocated, all while just simply trying to say a word. Saying a word -what most people absolutley do not think about and just take for granted. I appreciate when Ramma and I share -we dare to talk about things that we think about, but don’t always feel comfortable bringing up with anyone else.

What about you? How do you feel when you get stuck in a good block? Do you even think about it?

Stuttering: More Than a Tangled Tongue is the theme of the twelfth annual International Stuttering Awareness Day online conference, hosted by Judith Kuster, Minnesota State University, Mankato, which will open October 1. It can be found at The Stuttering Home Page ( www.stutteringhomepage.com).

The online conference features several papers written by well-known professionals and consumers (people who stutter/clutter) from around the world.  Participants can read papers and interact with the presenters on easy-to-use threaded discussions attached to each paper, during the three weeks the conference is “live” — from October 1-22.

The ISAD online conference is freely available or can be taken for Continuing Education (1.5/15 hours) or one university credit (either graduate or undergraduate).

Instructions and requirements for CEU or credit are online at http://www.mnsu.edu/comdis/kuster/isadarchive/requirements.html

If you are a reader of this blog, please help to advertise this unique world-wide event. Share this information and links with your self help group, students, teachers, schools and professionals interested in learning more about stuttering.

Last night I gave a Toastmaster’s speech. The objective was accepting an award. I am working out of the Special Occasions advanced manual. These projects give you experience with delivering the non-traditional speech, such as making a toast and giving an eulogy.

So last night’s challenge was to accept an award with gratitude, sincerity and recognition of the organization bestowing the award. The manual called for me to bring an actual award to use as a prop and to accept the award authentically.

So I decided to say what I wanted to say at the National Stuttering Association annual conference in July when I was awarded the 2009 Volunteer of the Year award. I was so choked up and emotional that I was unable to say anything beyond thank you.

I decided to speak from the heart and just let emotion guide me instead of overwhelm me. So I talked about how gratified I was to be recognized by an organization that does so much to help people who stutter. And their parents and families, schools, doctors, employers and the community. I shared the story of a very special moment that powerfully impacted me at one of my very first NSA meetings 3 years ago.

When I walked into my first self-help group meeting, I was overwhelmed by hearing other people stutter openly around me. I had always thought and felt  I was  alone with my stuttering, since I had never before met anyone else who stuttered. That first meeting was intensely overwhelming. I could not face the wave of emotions rolling over me. I left mid-way though the meeting.

Something pulled me back to the next meeting the following week though. I purposely chose a seat close to the back where I could make a safe get-away if  needed. The group started the round-robin introductions, where everybody said their name and what their speaking goal for the night would be. Before it even got half way through the circle, my emotions rushed up again, rising from my gut to my throat and I could hear my heart pounding. My eyes welled up and my leg started shaking. I was getting ready to bolt.

But a remarkable thing happened next. The person sitting  next to me caught my eye for a brief instant, nodded and then she put her hand on my knee. Thats all. She just rested her hand on my knee. That tiny gesture filled me with such reassurance and hope. I couldn’t leave now. And when it came my turn, I was able to compose myself and pass, which was fine.

I have never forgotten that moment. That simple gesture, with no words needed, gave me the confidence to keep coming back to the support group. I eventually found my voice and introduced myself to the group as a person who stutters. I cried when I said that for the first time, and that same person was right there, silently cheering me on.

That moment inspired me to get involved in the stuttering community, to give back and “pay it forward”. Three years later, I find myself immersed in the stuttering world and finding personal healing by giving myself to others who need to see that it is OK to stutter.

So last night, I shared that story of a simple gesture, and how that moment led to others that profoundly changed my life. I accepted the award like I had wanted to when it was first given to me in July.

Have you ever had a moment that really impacted you and changed your life?  I will never forget this, and hope to always be inspired to reach out to someone. You never know how that small gesture might change a life.

Getting an award is wonderful. Living a life that matters and has meaning is priceless.

I recently listened to John Mayer’s song  “My Stupid Mouth” and enjoyed it. I liked the rhythm and the beat, so actually listened more than once. Then I was intrigued and looked at the lyrics. It is not about stuttering, but deals with some of the very same thoughts and feelings. Here are a few lines of the song:

Oh, the way she feels about me has changed
Thanks for playing, try again.
How could I forget?
Mama said “think before speaking”
No filter in my head
Oh, what’s a boy to do
I guess he better find one

I’m never speaking up again
It only hurts me
I’d rather be a mystery
Than she desert me

Oh I’m never speaking up again
Starting now… Starting now

One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I try too hard
But it’s all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked
I just wanna be funny
Looks like the jokes on me
So call me captain backfire

I’m never speaking up again
it only hurts me
I’d rather be a mystery
than she desert me

This song closely parallels what a person who stutters might think when they are trying to make conversation or small talk. In the song, Mayers speaks to his girlfriend, and what he says comes out wrong and backfires on him. He says that he is never going to speak again. How many of us have ever thought that? Or actually did that? (I remember reading about James Earl Jones stuttering as a child. I went and heard him perform last year, where he talked about feeling so self-conscious about his stutter that he went intentionally mute for eight years as a child. Hard to believe, as he has gone on to be one of the most recognizable voices on stage, movies and television.)

Having what you want to say backfire sounds familiar. How many times have you tried to say something and had it come out all wrong because of stuttering, or worse yet, switching words? I used to switch words to try not to stutter, but then what came out, often made no sense at all. When that happened, I would feel really ashamed and scurry to the background yet again, to remain on the fringes of conversation, feeling like a fool, thinking that I wouldn’t speak again. Hearing this song made me revisit this – how stuttering can have the same effect.

In the song, Mayer’s mother says “Think before you speak”, like somehow that will magically cause our brain and mouth to connect at exactly the right time and have the perfect thing come out of our mouth. But that doesn’t happen all of the time, and it is easy to be left feeling, “OMG, that’s it, I am never going to speak again.” That’s why those of us who stutter really dislike when people say things like, “slow down”, “think before you speak” and “take a deep breath.”

Mayer also says that he just wants to be funny, and liked, and (I will add) belong. Thats what it comes down to at the end of the day. We want to be funny, liked and feel we belong. We don’t want our mouth betraying us, making us feel we don’t want to speak again.

Yeah, sometimes my brain signals get crossed up and I want to take back what comes out of my mouth. But once it’s out there, it is too late. So when we fall, we have to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, take a sip of water and keep talking.

What do you think?  Has this ever happened? What do you do when your mouth betrays you?

Here’s a link to the song if you want to hear it. My Stupid Mouth, by John Mayers

A fellow covert stutterer (but working towards overt, like me!) took me up on my invitation to guest blog. All of us have stories to tell, and sharing is so powerful. When we share our stories, we learn that we are different, yet the same!

This is Lisa’s story! Don’t be surprised if you recognize yourself in her words!

My first realisation that my speech wasn’t quite right was about 7 years old ,when a girl came to play in the street and said it was like I was singing letters before I said the word …threw me a bit because then my other friends started doing it as well.

So from about that moment I decided that this way of talking was going to bring far too much attention and I just became even more quiet than I had been.

I think from then I hid my stutter a lot more, always avoiding speaking situations when possible or pretending I didn’t know answers. I do remember going to speech therapy around this time for help, but because I was so good at switching and avoiding, they said it would be something I would grow out of as it was shyness. My parents accepted this as they were having big issues of their own and with my brother and another baby on the way, they had other issues ….

My next memory was when I started my secondary school about age 11 or 12 …and this was a whole different game as I was no longer in the safe environment of primary school where the friends that I’d grown up with knew me.  I remember my first day in my new class and everyone was asked to say their name and a little about what you did during the school holidays. Well you can imagine the fear I experienced so one major coughing fit followed as it was my turn (I was indeed a great actress).I was generally not asked to say much and every few weeks the school speech therapist would come in and take me out for a chat …hmmm not impressed at age 12 or13.

We had a supply (substitute) teacher come in one day. Some of the boys were messing around so much that he sat us all down and said we had to do this task and shout out as quick as we could something beginning with a letter he said and certain topic i.e. animals. So when it got to me I just didn’t say anything and made out I was thinking, but he wouldn’t leave it there and said I had to say it, otherwise the class would stay in at break. Cruel really so I did or tried to but I blocked so hard I think even the teacher was taken back and the word “table” finally came out. The teacher then kind of sniggered (uncomfortable I expect) and said that it was best that I don’t answer anymore as it would go into break time.

I dealt with this by laughing, I became a gothic as the trend there was to grunt and not speak and people left you alone. Not the best look in the world! And I started skipping school. This led to a lot of trouble but also talking to a great mentor at the school who did understand and put me in touch with a different speech therapist that helped me quite a lot to work through blocks and taught me other techniques.

Over the next few years, these tools and my covertness, I went along and found a job that I stayed with for 22 years (my comfort zone). I also went to see a hypnotherapist for some confidence building, this actually helped a lot.

I married a totally wrong person and my speech was never really mentioned unless to tell me it was bad that day. He never understood even though I felt I was ready then to be more overt about it.

My children came next. Zoe was ok with her speech as she chatted from an early age , but Faye was late speaking and did for just a while start to stutter so she was referred to a health visitor when she was 3 or 4. They said it was just a phase as she was repeating the whole beginning of the word not just the sound. She then went on to chat just fine!

My marriage started to break down and I divorced, and my stress level increased.  I found I was starting to stutter more and not be able to hide it as well. This began my journey of a new life, where I could be just completely me and not be so worn out at the end of the day from avoiding, covering, and worrying about situations. I got a new job in a school (children are so accepting) and settled down with me and my girls.

I then started to talk to people closest to me, but strangely, not my family, just friends, especially my good friend Sarah, who always understood and really supported me. I found help online and eventually started reading posts that Pam had written. Wow, this was so like me ,she gave me the inspiration to be me rather than to keep covering …and this where I am now, just beginning to be myself. Slowly I’m becoming more comfortable with my speech and who Lisa is.

I feel that the day I introduce myself to someone and say “Hi. I’m Lisa and I stutter a bit so bear with me’’ will finally be the day I am myself!!!!