How many of us who stutter really hate when a non-stutterer finishes our words for us? Many times, its due to impatience. Sometimes, its genuinely due to a desire to be kind and help us out. Now, I have mixed feelings about this. When I am really stuck and someone supplies a word and it happens to be the right word, I might not get too upset. Sometimes I feel like I have been let off the hook and I don’t have to continue in what seems like this eternally long block.

But if someone seems impatient and supplies a word, and it happens to be the wrong one, then I get a little ticked off. I think, “who are they to fill in my word? They can’t read my mind. They don’t know if that was what I wanted to say.” And I stew about it, sometimes having the courage right then and there to say something and sometimes not. I hate when I don’t say anything, because then its like giving them permission to keep doing it. But I don’t want to intentionally embarrass anyone and quite possibly bring more attention to my stuttering. It’s silly, isn’t it? That I still think like this sometimes? But its the reality of stuttering. It’s so complex. It is certainly not just the stuttered speech that is a concern. It is all the different emotions and feelings that go along with this.

I have done talks to various groups about stuttering and sometimes I include a piece about “how to listen to someone who stutters”. I have included things like maintaining eye contact, being present, and not finishing words for them. And here I am saying its OK in certain situations. Well, in case you didn’t guess, that is my covertness peeking out when I react like that. Being let off the hook reduces my shame in that stuttering moment. Yes,sometimes I still feel shame when I get stuck and nothing seems to work to smoothly get the word out.

Now, what about when someone else who stutters finishes your words for you, or vice versa? I found myself in that situation just last night while chatting with A on the phone. We were talking about a whole bunch of things and we were both stuttering naturally. We are very comfortable with each other. At one point, he was saying something and got caught in a good block. Without realizing it, I suggested the word he was looking for, and out of his mouth came, “Thanks Pam for finishing my words for me. I stutter, you know!”

I was momentarily stunned, because I couldn’t believe I had done that. But more so, I couldn’t believe he said that the way he did. Kudos to him for saying that right away. It didn’t matter that I understood the stuttering experience because I stutter. I still had presumed it was ok to finish his words for him, and I shouldn’t have. I was embarrassed and apologized. He was very good natured and said it was OK. In fact, he teasingly exaggerated his reaction of being insulted, maybe to teach me a lesson.

Later in the conversation, he again got stuck in a good block. He jokingly said, “Come on Pam! Why aren’t you filling in the word for me?” So, he got me again, with a gentle, good humored reminder that even between two people who stutter, what we share is similar yet different. We may react and feel differently about the same things. What bothers me may not bother him, and vice versa. But we have to respect each other when we are talking just as we would expect a fluent speaker to respect us.

So, A did teach me a lesson. Wanting to help someone is often a very natural instinct. I did not mean to imply that I couldn’t wait for him to finish or that he might not be able to finish, but maybe that’s what it felt like to him. I will remember that when a fluent speaker fills in a word for me. They are not necessarily being rude or impatient. They may just want to help.

I also learned that when speaking with anyone, we have to be present and patient, no matter how well we think we know the person and how connected we feel. We cannot read minds. Until the day that mind-reading becomes possible, we have to allow each of us the time needed to say what we want to say.

What do you think? Have you been on both ends of this spectrum? Can you understand why it is so complex and varies from one person to the next?