Make Room For The Stuttering

I can hardly believe I have written 200 posts about stuttering, and have over 16,000 comments in less than a year. Seems like just yesterday I started writing.  Writing and sharing  about my stuttering journey.  I am not traveling alone! That is a good feeling and makes such a difference in my life.

I talked with Ramma last night, and he asked if I ever need a break from the stuttering community. He said that he used to read about stuttering all of the time at a different point in his life. It was the first thing he read when he woke up in the morning and last thing he read before going to bed. He was voracious about it. He was constantly searching for new information, updated research and an answer about a cure.

He shared that he soon stopped checking all the stuttering sites so much, as they were all saying the same things, and maybe he needed a break. I submitted to him that maybe he didn’t need a break, that maybe he had reached a point of acceptance that he no longer felt the need to “search”. For news, for fluency, for a cure.

Ramma paused for a long moment and said, “You know, that’s a good point. You just put acceptance in a different perspective for me.”  Of course, I asked what he meant by that. And he said, “well, I guess  you can look at acceptance as when you are no longer making a conscious decision to accept your stuttering. You just do.”

You just do. Those three words said a lot. We talked about it. I told Ramma I stay involved with the stuttering community because I like being able to give back, to contribute, to maybe help someone else from what I have been through. I don’t consciously think too often about needing to accept my stuttering any more either. I seem to just do it. By talking about it, by stuttering openly,by sharing my feelings – even on bad speech days – that shows acceptance.

It is like the old saying, “Actions speak louder than words”. Our actions speak volumes about us – who we are and what is important to us.

I just want to say to all of you that stutter or care about people who stutter: thanks for being here with me on this journey. Knowing that what we have to say is important, is, well, important. We are community and we grow and share together.

Let me know what you think about acceptance being just something we do, instead of something we consciously think about it.

I had the chance to go to the Opening Night of the Broadway smash musical “Wicked” on Wednesday night. It was a stunning, glamorous performance that delighted from start to finish.

My friend James went with me. He stutters, and tries to be covert about it. He works in a hospital, which is fast paced and stressful, and he often struggles to indeed keep the stuttering hidden. He was skeptical about the show – he was not convinced that he would like a musical. Well, he did. In the car, trying to get out of the bumper-to-bumper traffic, we had time to talk about it.

He loved it, and shared that the theme of the performance really “struck a chord”. He went on to say that it related to us, those of us who stutter, because the idea of differences was so starkly portrayed in “Wicked”. I asked what he meant.

He said he could relate to the character who was different – she was green! (I won’t say much more. Don’t want to spoil it for you if you have never seen it and want to or plan too. And you should. It is a wonderful show!). Her difference generated a lot of negative social punishment! Classmates in school feared her, made fun of her, shied away from her and she was largely isolated due to being green. She really only had one friend who even tried to understand what it was like being different.

James talked about how he has felt the exact same way with his stuttering. He feels different from his other colleagues and gets frustrated that communicating – something we take for granted – can sometimes be such a challenge.

The character in “Wicked” faces set backs, obstacles and being misunderstood her whole life. She strives to fit in, and be liked and accepted. Much what people who stutter do, huh? And people with other differences too.

James didn’t say too much beyond that. He is a thinker and can be quite reflective. I think he was pleasantly surprised by how much he really did enjoy the show and the story line.

I wondered about this: we who stutter only mildly or moderately can sometimes be very successful hiding our stuttering. The green character in “Wicked” had no such luxury. She was GREEN, GREEN, GREEN. There was no hiding it. She stood out from the crowd.

So do overt stutterers have it easier than covert stutterers, since it is so “out there” ? Us coverts use so much energy to try to not stutter.  I have wondered if that isn’t actually easier. There is no hiding, no game being played, no cover-up. What you see is what you get.

Like the green “Wicked Witch”. There was no denying she was different, and boy, did she have a story to tell. What do you think? What is your story?  Can you talk openly about your stuttering? How do you feel about being different? How does it feel “being green“?

In case you didn’t realize it, public speaking requires a lot of energy and concentration. And that goes whether you are fluent or not. I am not sure if people realize how much effort and focus is really needed to “perform” in front of large and small groups.

Yesterday, I did five presentations to high school students. I met with all of the 10th graders in one school, visiting their Social Studies classes, period by period. I had 40 minutes to present the information they need in order to make decisions about their schedules for next year. I have a routine down, and use a Power Point with photos and video clips to illustrate the talk, and keep everybody engaged. I ask questions: how many of you live in apartments or houses? Every hand goes up. How many of you have heat in those homes? Every hand up!

Then I remind them that there are jobs for people who can build homes and put heating and cooling systems in those homes. And so on, into the spiel about recession proof jobs and how having a marketable skill, even an unglamorous one, is proactive in today’s economy.

Doing this over and over may seem easy enough. After all, it’s the same material and I am comfortable with it. But it’s not easy. Public speaking requires effort. I have to project my voice, be flexible if there are unplanned announcements over the PA system, wait for side talk to abate, and most importantly, don’t freak out when I stutter.

Because it is a “when”, not an “if”. As a person who stutters, I know I’m going to stutter sometimes during these presentations. I no longer “hope that I won’t” like I used to. It’s going to happen, and I am the one who has to react comfortably and confidently when it does, so my listeners will follow suit.

When I don’t get flustered, the audience stays on an even keel – as much as 10th grade kids are ever on an even keel. But they really do follow my lead. I am learning this more and more as I speak. And I am seeing how much energy really goes into speaking 4 or 5 times a day.

People have been telling me, “Oh, you are such a pro now, you have done it so much.”  “Nothing should bother you anymore, right?” Wrong. It is hard work to be talking all the time. It may look effortless, but it’s not. I prepare and have a back-up plan. I check all of my technology several times. I arrive early. I bring several large bottles of water. And I put my best foot forward.

Lat night, two friends at Toastmasters, both fluent, told me I am their inspiration. That felt funny. I don’t feel like an inspiration. I just feel like a person who happens to stutter who also happens to have to talk a WHOLE LOT as part of my job. It sure does require a lot of effort.

What do you think? Do you use a lot of energy when you are speaking to groups? What helps you out during the stuttering moments?

This was the line from an episode of the 1968 television series, “Here Come The Brides”.  I vaguely remember it from my childhood, and then, only in re-runs.  I visited a friend who is a covert stutterer. I curiously asked her about the boxed DVD set which I noticed among the rest of her collection. She told me about the show and asked if I was interested in watching the pilot episode.

My friend is an expert on the show, I kid you not. She is a member of the show’s fan club, which formed in 1999, and its yahoo group, which she joined a year later.  Later in the evening, she showed me scrapbooks, newsletters, and pictures of fan club get-together events (or GT’s as known by the fan club) held over the years.

She shared that she began watching the program as a 13-year old, and when one of the regular characters opened his mouth and stuttered, she was hooked. There were 27 episodes in the first season, and the character of Jeremy stuttered openly in every episode. He and his brothers and other characters talked about it, using the actual word “stuttering”, instead of euphemisms sometimes heard today, 40 years later. My friend proudly told me that she believed it to be the first, and maybe only, television series that aired weekly that had a regular character who stuttered openly. (The show was canceled after the second season, prompting the fan club to rally the TV people to get the first season produced on DVD).

Being a person who stutters,  I was very interested. I wanted to see how it was handled. So we watched the pilot episode on a Saturday night over some good libation. She was clearly interested in my opinion. And later admitted that she had been wanting to ask my opinion of this show.

So, I watched and waited to hear Jeremy stutter. Stutter he did and I was impressed. The stuttering was very realistic. My friend shared that the actor (teen heart-throb at the time, Bobby Sherman) had worked with a SLP to learn how to stutter. Jeremy’s character had repetitions, blocks and accompanying facial tension. Sometimes, he was made fun of by other characters and his brothers stood up for him. They were not embarrassed by their brother’s stuttering.

The part that hooked my friend, and impressed me too, was when Jeremy decided to tell a girl he really liked that he stuttered. You could tell he had mustered up his courage to tell her. He came out with it, very directly. “Candy, I stutter.”  The pretty girl just looked at Jeremy and said, “Oh, I bite my nails” and held out her fingers for him to look at her bitten nails.

It was priceless! Perfect! Here this kid was petrified to tell a girl he adored that he stutters, thinking that she would think it so awful that she would want nothing to do with him. Instead, she thought it no bigger a deal than biting your nails.

This was forty years ago! I never would have guessed that stuttering would have been talked about so openly on a regular weekly television series. And treated as if it was no big deal.

Wow, imagine if we had that mindset today. Imagine if there was a weekly television series today that featured a regular ordinary character who stutters. Not one who is made to look ignorant, or is faking it, or only shows up for five minutes for comedic effect.

What do you think? Isn’t that a great response to someone telling you he stutters? I give much kudos to the folks who were involved with that series. We can all learn from that “its no big deal attitude”. I certainly did!

This is my very busy time of the school year. Part of my job requires that I visit all of the high schools in my county and make presentations to 10th graders about career and technical programs that they can take during their last two years of high school.  Career Technical Education is what used to be called vocational training, although it has evolved greatly over the last 20 years. Because our school is located in the Tech Valley part of New York, we are providing training in career paths that will lead to jobs in information technology, renewable energy and bio-technical areas. Our students are learning about wind power and solar energy, and have real prospects of getting jobs in those areas.

Too many people still believe that career and technical training is not the right path for kids. Parents still believe that their kid should be going to 4 year colleges. Part of my job is to help people realize that times have changed and practical, technical skills can and will lead to good jobs.

So my job includes a bit of old-fashioned talking to people. We don’t send a video or DVD for kids to look at. We send a real person, to talk to groups of 10th graders, one class at a time. That person is ME! I make a verbal presentation to the kids about what career technical education is and why hands-on learning may appeal to them. I bring along a couple of students already enrolled in some of the programs to talk with the students. From there, I schedule tours and classroom shadowing for interested students.  I do use a Power Point presentation to supplement my talk, with lots of pictures of kids enrolled in all of our classes. It works. We fill the seats in the classes.

Why am I talking about this? Because I am talking all day, to small groups and large groups, to classroom teachers and guidance counselors. And I stutter. Sometimes not much. Sometimes a lot. I was reminded of a few things yesterday and today, after doing 3 back-to-back presentations both days. Things we should all remember when doing a lot of talking.

I have to remember to bring my water bottle. Talking a lot makes my throat dry. That goes for fluent speakers as well. And another thing: we will get tired after doing several presentations in a row. It has nothing to do with stuttering a little or a lot – presenting to people is just tiring. It may seem like all I am doing is standing up there and talking, but believe me, there is a lot of work going on. I do all of my recruitment and outreach talks without notes. My brain sort of freezes after a while.  And I have to remember to breathe and pause. Not only is it good for easier stuttering, but taking a breath and pausing gives the listener time to absorb what has been said. Helps us both!

I really like this part of my job. When I first started, I was freaking out a lot, worrying about stuttering while presenting the information. And I also had worried about how I would be perceived being the presenter. Well, no one seems to care if I stutter or not. Sure, there are some smirks and occasional eye rolls, but I have come to learn, that in the life of 15-year-old kids, that is forgotten within minutes. As for how I might be perceived as the presenter, I am the one with the knowledge. They want to hear what I have to say. And I am the one with the courage and confidence to do it. Remember, most people hate presenting to groups, stutter or not.

So, remember: bring water and actually drink it. Remember to take a breath and pause once-in-a-while. And don’t be surprised when you feel tired at the end of a long day talking. That is supposed to happen. Especially when we are outside of our comfort zone a lot.

Does any of this sound familiar? Have you been in situations where you have presented back-to-back? What works for you?

No one likes to be criticized. It hurts to hear negative feedback. You have to learn how to take it, and not let it get under your skin and feel like a personal attack. In Toastmasters, we learn how to give and take feedback. We don’t even call it a critique, because that has negativity attached to it. Rather, we learn how to tell someone what they did really well (with their prepared speech or impromptu talk) and what they could do for next time to make it even better. So, our feedback is always encouraging and positive, but still honest. We learn from that.

Some people don’t know how to give feedback like that. Some don’t think before they speak, and they offer up criticism that can hurt, or really sting. Sometimes its unintentional. Other times, it is purposefully designed to hurt. That’s the kind of criticism we don’t really need. I know why I get so rattled when someone criticizes me, and why it hurts more than it should.

I have always been self-critical. I never thought I was good enough. I stuttered, was overweight, had bad skin, didn’t make friends easily, thought no one liked me, was not athletic and was one of those  kids that was ALWAYS picked last.  So not only did I feel I wasn’t good enough, but everyone got to see it during those humiliating moments. I didn’t measure up to everyone else, and I had a long list of reasons as proof. (I still have some of those things, but I perceive them differently now).

I spent so much time adapting to others, trying to please others and trying to live up to the roles in my life – daughter, caregiver, sister, partner – but never seemed to do them good enough. I was criticized by my father, a lot, and for everything. I can remember him telling me all the things I did wrong, but can hardly remember ever being praised for doing anything right. I was criticized by peers and school mates for how I looked – too fat – and how I dressed. My mother’s fashion sense never appealed to me and my sisters. I have a horrible memory of a pair of blue shoes, and they weren’t blue suede! My peers also criticized me for how I talked. When I dared to speak and I stuttered, they would laugh and mimic.

I never seemed to get it right taking care of my brother and sisters either. I hated being in charge all of the time, and sometimes really resented being the built-in babysitter. I would get criticized for that as well.

And my partner, with whom I spent 20 years for all the wrong reasons, was also very critical of me. But by that time, I thought I deserved it.I thought no one would ever want me, so I settled with this guy, even though I never really loved him, hoping that I would grow to love him. He was the worst critic. He expected me to do everything, but it was never good enough.

When I finally began to stop hating myself for all the things I thought was wrong with me, and began to appreciate the things that were good, my partner wasn’t having it. He was used to me having been one way only, and any change was not tolerated. He began to try and reinforce in me all the bad things about me, and that I should consider myself lucky to be with him. No one else would want me , so I should be happy with what I had. He would tell me that all the time, and for a long time, I believed that.

But I wasn’t happy. As I awakened inside and realized that I had  gifts and talents to offer, I began to want more for myself and slowly began to believe that I also deserved it. But the habit of being self-critical was hard to break. It still is. I grew up thinking I had to be perfect in order to be liked. And when I wasn’t perfect, I kicked myself or believed it when other people tried to do the same. When someone told me I wasn’t good enough or hadn’t done something right, I took that to heart and let it bother me and worried that I was a failure.

So criticism can sting so much when one is used to self-hate and not liking who we are. It took me a long time to reach this point, where I can recognize that this was what I was doing for so many years. My partner told me when we separated that I’d be back, that I would never make it on my own, that I would see that he was the only one for me. Well, that has not happened. I am still here, living my life, taking one day at a time, realizing that I have strength that I didn’t know I had.

Sure, its hard. And there are some things I would like to change about myself. We all have things we would like to improve. But my core being – who I am – the inside Pam that answers to me every day – she is just fine the way she is. My stuttering, my outside package – being heavy, being short, having imperfect skin – these are not as important as the inside package. It is what is inside our heart, mind and soul that really matters, and I am proud to have finally put this down on paper.

Tell me what you think. Does criticism sting for you? What works to help you not internalize other people’s hurtful criticism? How can that help us be stronger?

I have heard people say and do all kinds of  things when it comes to stuttering. Some rude, some quasi-helpful, some just plain ignorant. I have seen people roll their eyes or look away or down.  I have seen people not only look the other way, but walk the other way, too, as in leave. I have seen and heard people laugh, giggle, sigh, point, mimic, mock or attempt to fill in words. And I have heard people say things they think will help, like, “slow down, take your time,  or take a deep breath.” I have also heard people say, “are you OK?”, “whats the matter – cat got your tongue?”, “spit it out”, “did you forget your name (or where you work)?”, or “talk much?”

The ones I got the most were: eye rolling (a boss), “talk much?” (peers), and “look aways”. Most of us who stutter have probably heard or seen some of these things at one point or another. And been annoyed, hurt, confused, or amused.

But here’s one that I have not heard before.  A friend was telling me that a good friend of hers asked about her more recent overt stuttering, after years of being extremely covert. After all the careful covering, word switching, making excuses and avoidance, my friend has been working on acceptance and letting her self stutter naturally and freely. In other words, she has been true to her self, fully and wholly. She has acknowledged that she literally feels free and lighter when she does not have to work so hard to hide her stutter.

So she was very hurt when her friend commented: “If you were able to hide your stuttering so well for all those years, why are you doing it now? If you can hide it, you should.” (Or something close to that). The friend then remarked that she thought the person who stutters, who is now stuttering naturally, is just doing it to “get attention”.

Why would someone think that one would choose to stutter just to get attention? Would one choose to have cancer or be deaf, just to get attention? One certainly does get some attention when it is found out that a person is sick or maybe even dying of cancer, or is deaf and wears a hearing device.  Would one choose that kind of attention anyway?

This comment by my friend’s friend (if she can really be called a friend after saying that) really bothered me. It seems that the friend thinks the stuttering, and especially stuttering just to get attention, is bad or shameful, deserving of being hidden.

There is nothing bad about stuttering. It is a part of us, just as our skin and eye color is a part of us. If our brain is wired in such a way, then ” it is what it is “. Trying to be covert and hide something that is part of our neurological make-up can only last so long. Or too long!

My covert stuttering lasted for more than 30 years. Or so I thought. As it turns out, when I thought I was hiding stuttering, I really wasn’t. People still knew. What I kept really hidden was acknowledgment of the stuttering and my feelings about it. Once I stopped trying so hard not to stutter, it was like a volcano erupted. All the stuttering and blocking and secondary behaviors show up now, some very consistently, some only sporadically. Even if I wanted to, I don’t think I could attempt to try and be covert anymore.

I wonder if that is how my friend felt when her friend suggested that she should go back to covering up the stuttering. Like she said, if you can, you should. BUT, it’s not that easy. People who don’t stutter need to walk in our shoes for a day and see what it is really like. That’s why SLP students have such a hard time with pseudo-stuttering assignments. To stutter is uncomfortable, frustrating, annoying, weird, unnatural, and scary. Try doing that every day, and you will see people who stutter don’t just do it to get attention.

What do you think? If you can hide stuttering, should you? If I can be fluent sometimes, shouldn’t I strive to be fluent all of the time?

A few of the blogs I follow and the stuttering community on Face book recently mentioned the episode of “Glee” about a character who stutters. It is a new TV show that started this season about a high school glee club. The members of the glee club are so different, its amazing that collectively they are able to produce beautiful harmony and music together. But that is what makes diversity so important, right?

I tuned in to the series midway, and watched the episode where the character who stuttered revealed that she had actually been faking it for several years so that she could get out of having to do an oral presentation in class. I never expected that. (Of course, having missed the previous episodes, I had no idea what build up, if any, had been given to the stuttering story line). The character in the wheelchair obviously never expected either that she would reveal that she had pretended to stutter. He had thought they were kindred spirits, both sharing a difference. It gave them something special in common, he thought.

I thought about this issue of faking it. I didn’t like that stuttering was portrayed this way in the show. I would have preferred that she really stuttered, so that we could have a popular television show include a positive portrayal of stuttering. I watched the show this week, and heard the character sing. She was remarkable, and it would have been great to have that story line play out, as many people who stutter can sing beautifully without stuttering. Interestingly, no mention was made at all about her having revealed her fake stuttering.

This character obviously used voluntary stuttering to make it seem she really stuttered. Hers was very mild. I have used voluntary stuttering to advertise my stuttering, and as a desensitization tool. So, this is another way to use voluntary stuttering.

As I reflected more on “faking it”, I realized that I was doing the exact same thing for many years with my covert stuttering. I was trying to fake being fluent, so that I could pass myself off as something I was not. Even now, I still find myself faking it sometimes. Meaning that in some situations, I will not disclose that I stutter. Especially if I am having a very fluent day, or more importantly, it is a situation where I feel I will be judged negatively if I let the “stuttering me” out. Wait a minute! Is that the same thing? Is that faking it, or is it just me managing my stuttering so I will be comfortable in certain situations?

What do you think? Have you ever heard of anyone faking a stutter to get out of doing an oral presentation? How does that make you feel, if you really do stutter?”

Today is Thanksgiving, an American holiday where people stop their busy lives and gather with friends and family to reflect on all of the blessings in our lives. Most Thanksgiving celebrations focus on some kind of food feast, that is shared together. The typical American Thanksgiving meal features a turkey as the main attraction, with an assortment of side dishes and desserts. It is most often a day when people over eat and wind up falling asleep after the huge meal.

Also very American about the Thanksgiving holiday is football. The holiday has morphed into an all day football frenzy, with professional football games starting at 12:30pm and lasting almost till midnight. Just in time for people to get some sleep, before they go shopping on what is America’s biggest shopping day of the year. The day after Thanksgiving is known as Black Friday, and millions of bleary-eyed and sleepy people line up in stores and battle each other to find the best discounts on toys and electronics.

It may very well be “Bleak Black Friday” for the many, many people who are unemployed this holiday season, and who are struggling to remember the blessings in their lives. A lot of people may not feel they have very much to be thankful for. It can be hard to realize the good things in our lives when faced with so many overwhelming challenges.

So for today’s post, I want to simply list the things I am thankful for, and the good things in my life, even at a time of deep personal transition.

• my health
• family – especially my sisters who I am finally getting close with
• good friends who love me unconditionally
• liking myself as I am
• a job that I am good at and like
• my ability to communicate well
• things I enjoy – writing, reading, poetry, art, music, connecting with people
• that I can use my talents to help others
• that I have come to realize that stuttering makes me unique and special
• all the great people I have met because of stuttering
• that all people are innately good – we just have to be more patient with some people
• living in a country that values freedom and my ability to freely express myself
• traveling to different parts of the country because of stuttering
• a diverse world that gets smaller every day
• that I am an emotional and sensitive person and can let others see that
• finding joy in simple things

What are you thankful for? Please share here . . . . . . a word, five words, a sentence, a paragraph, whatever . . . . . . .

I had a very moving experience last week with one of the SLP students I have worked with over the last several months. She had the courage to confront me on why I was so resistant to speech tools that might be helpful in tense stuttering moments. I have been working so much on acceptance and letting my stuttering out. I worry that if I use speech tools, they might make me covert again. I really do think that fluency shaping techniques cover up the stuttering and that conflicts right now with my desire to be true to my stuttering self.  I don’t want to be held hostage to covert behaviors anymore. So I was unwilling to let any ideas in about possible strategies that I might choose to use sometimes when I am really stuck in a good block.

The student said something very simple: “Pam, at some point in our life, we all have to realize we are changing and we must allow our self to do that. ” She then asked me to read a book that her Aunt had shared with her about the change process, and how we need to give ourselves permission to change, and also allow ourselves to stay open to change.

Well, I took the book and read and finished it as soon as I got home that night from our meeting. I also read several parts of the book over and over again. I decided to make a quick video to talk about how this affected me, and how much I appreciated someone being genuine enough to confront me about such a tough issue. Change is a process and we have to be open to it all throughout our lives. It is what helps us become who we will Be.

What do you think? Why is change so hard? Are some things harder for us to change than others?

Lisa and I had a poignant, emotional discussion the other night about what happens with the people around us when we change the way we stutter.

For example, when I first started stuttering more openly after years of trying to hide it, people closest to me were clearly impacted. They had been used to me one way, and now I was talking another way. My ex-partner had never heard me stutter openly, so he  didn’t get what I was doing. He never knew I stuttered, and it caused tension between us when I finally let my stuttering out.

Most recently, he commented that I must be stuttering like this because I hang around other people who stutter. He would also say, after overhearing me on the phone, things like, “No offense, but you sounded really awful. Are you OK?” Some of my family was uncomfortable too. They would get nervous-looking and avoid eye contact with me. One sister thought it was cool, though. She would say, “Finally, your being yourself.” Stuttering differently certainly brings various reactions from those around us.

Lisa wanted to talk about what has been going on with her pre-teen daughter, who had always been supportive and understanding of her mum’s stuttering. Lisa shared that her daughter would supply words for her when they ordered in restaurants, as a help for her mum. And the younger girl would as well. They really didn’t have any problem’s with mummy stuttering, because it was usually well hidden.

Well, as Lisa has been stuttering more overtly, the people around her have reacted. Her sister shared that she was so proud and inspired by Lisa’s choice to be “true to herself.” Her partner has been supportive and interested in learning more about stuttering.

Lisa’s pre-teen daughter has reacted a little differently. One day last week, Lisa reprimanded her daughter, and for the first time, daughter mimicked mum’s stuttering, saying “a-a-a-a-a-actually.’ Lisa was stunned and hurt, as her daughter had never done that. Lisa shared with me that her daughter realized she had hurt her mum’s feelings, as she voluntarily came back to mum and apologized. Still, the mimicking, and hurt, had happened.  Lisa has an amazingly close relationship with her daughter. That’s why she was so surprised and hurt when this happened. And it also explains why Lisa’s daughter knew instinctively she had hurt her mum and apologized right away.

Moreover, in the same week, Lisa learned that her daughter had not told her about a parent-teacher conference at the school. Lisa fears it was because her mum’s new open stuttering embarrasses her daughter.

We talked about it, and agreed that our changing stuttering affects those around us. Of course, it is going to. It’s almost like meeting a new person. Lisa asked what I thought. I do not have my own children, but I shared that I would have probably felt bad and hurt too I also reminded Lisa that something or another that their parents do or say embarrasses teenagers all over. It’s a universal part of the teenage angst process.

If it wasn’t Lisa’s stuttering, it would surely be something else. Not that it makes it any easier. We don’t like it when our feelings are hurt, especially by our loved ones. But it happens. Sometimes the people closest to us say mean and hurtful things. In Lisa’s case, I shared my opinion that she should continue to talk with her children about her stuttering, encourage them to ask questions and express their feelings. And keep communication open. We all have differences that we need to tolerate and respect.

Lisa still hasn’t told her mom about her stuttering secret. She had thought about asking her sister to do it for her, but thinks it best that she do this herself. When she finds the courage. Sometimes it is our closest family members that we have the hardest time with being open and honest.

This reminds me of when I was child. I always felt that I embarrassed my father. That is why he was so critical of me when I did stutter. That’s why I chose not to talk most of the time, so I wouldn’t stutter and be an embarrassment to my family. That was a heavy burden to carry around for a kid. I am glad the burden has got lighter recently.

What do you think? How would have responded to a similar situation? Have you ever felt you were an embarrassment to your family?

I never get tired of hearing about someone’s acceptance story, and how it can change lives forever. This one really needs sharing.

I received something in the mail yesterday from FRIENDS – the National Association of Young People Who Stutter. It was a letter from a parent who had attended her first FRIENDS conference this summer in Tampa. A grateful mom wrote this letter to Lee Caggiano, the co-founder and Director of FRIENDS. Lee saw the tremendous value in sharing this letter with the entire FRIENDS family. I hope that by sharing excerpts here on this blog, the message of hope and acceptance will reach even more people.

Mom wrote that before finding Lee Caggiano as a speech therapist for her 7 year old son,and subsequently attending their first FRIENDS conference, that the family home was full of avoidance,pain, attempts at quick fixes, and overwhelming fear. The parents never acknowledged their child’s stuttering. He knew something was wrong, for he saw people around him look away in discomfort when he spoke. But his parents could not, would not, confirm it for him, because they had always been told to avoid the word stuttering.

Mom found about Lee from a friend who also has a son who stutters. Mom says her “path of denial” (sound familiar) led her to a good speech therapist and Friends. Mom goes on to write:

“I will never forget the day my husband and I sat our child down and actually said to him: ‘ we know that you have been struggling with your stuttering and we are sorry. We don’t care if you stutter, but we never want you to struggle. We promise to help you with it.’  The look of relief in our son’s beautiful blue eyes will never leave my memory. Its as if a cloud lifted from all of us. You can feel the difference in our home. The dirty secret, that everyone knew, was out”.

Mom also enclosed a note from her mom, the child’s grandmother, who had also attended the 2009 FRIENDS conference. She writes:

“I can’t contain the tears that are still flowing after reading the letter you wrote about your experience at the FRIENDS conference. But my tears are very different than the ones before the convention. I used to cry when I heard my grandson struggling to get out the words he wanted so desperately to say and the look of pain on your face. When I went to Tampa to meet you and my grandson, I was so afraid to look you and him in the eyes because I didn’t want to see pain and struggle. Instead, while there, I slowly  became aware of the acceptance between the two of you, I was so moved by the courage of the individuals who stutter, children, teens as well as adults. How they got up and spoke proudly to everyone from a podium, with humor and intelligence, and some yes, with more difficulty than others. They made me feel comfortable with stuttering for the first time”.

When I opened this letter and read it once through, I had to put it down for a minute and catch my breath. I was so incredibly moved by it myself. My eyes welled up as I remembered seeing this mom at the conference in Tampa. I had no idea that she and her family were so profoundly effected by the power of FRIENDS. I read the letter again two more times, and remembered how impacted I felt by attending my first FRIENDS conference as an adult who stutters in New Orleans in 2008, and helping out in Tampa in 2009.

Self help, acceptance and support really does change lives. This seven-year old boy’s experience with stuttering will be forever changed by the love,  support and acceptance that he and his family has found through FRIENDS. How beautiful for them. How wonderful that Lee and FRIENDS continues to provide this lifeline of acceptance and love for the kids and parents affected by stuttering. Stuttering can and should be accepted, so our children will grow up feeling loved and supported and special.

What do you think? Wouldn’t you like to meet this mom and say thank you for sharing this letter? I know I would like to give her and her son a huge hug!

Wow! I started this blog post about a week ago, after reflecting on some things going on in my life and talking with several people who stutter (and one who doesn’t) about whether people who stutter are more prone to depression. I talked to good friend Jamie yesterday, and in asking how she has been doing, she told me to check out the latest episode of Stutter Talk.

I couldn’t believe it when the episode had the exact same title,” Stuttering and Depression” as this blog post. I toyed with the idea of changing my title, but then figured, “Nah, I don’t have to.” I will link the Stutter Talk guys and episode over here. There’s more than enough to go around when we confront and acknowledge our fears about depression.

Several people I know who stutter have also struggled with depression at various times. We have talked about it. Low self-esteem, constant fear of judgment, anxiety and stress related to the stuttering experience can definitely contribute to, or exasperate depression. Feeling isolated can also be depressing. And trying to keep stuttering hidden can heighten depression.

I have grappled with depression over the years, and finally feel comfortable enough to talk about it. The social punishment that greeted my stuttering, especially the negative feedback from my father, really got to me.  I always felt shame about my stuttering. For a long time I didn’t realize what an effect that was having on me. The more I explore my stuttering, especially my deeply ingrained covert behaviors, the more I realize how my depression and stuttering were tied together. I didn’t like to acknowledge I stuttered. And I never wanted to acknowledge my depression either. That seemed shameful as well. Made me even more imperfect.

What a relief it has to been to realize that I am not the only one who stutters and has dealt with depression. Both have long had negative stigma. Anything that makes me feel more prone to judgment by others has always been difficult to surface and talk about. But the more we talk about things, the less awful they become and the more we are just reminded of our humanity. And our need to share our lives with each other.

I am in awe of how honest and courageous Jamie is in this episode of Stutter Talk. Listen and learn. I certainly have. I consider myself so very lucky to have friends who are willing to walk with me as I explore more and more of my tough stuff, and are OK as I let it out. I am reminded that is one of the greatest gifts – sharing and listening and taking time for each other.

Also, today is Friday the 13th. Good friend Daniele Rossi, of  StutteringIsCool, has declared today as Stuttering Appreciation Day. So, if you stutter, appreciate yourself for the gifts that you have and bring to the world. And if you know someone who stutters, tell them how special they are, especially a kid.

I have written before that I participate in a therapeutic support group for people who stutter on Monday nights. After group, I spend time with one or two student SLPs, as part of individual therapy for me and practical work for them. This program favors fluency shaping, although they do combine stuttering modification as well. I have generally resisted fluency shaping techniques, because I see them as making me covert again. Given that, I have never really internalized any fluency techniques and so never really practiced them.

I have used this time (quite productively, I think) to work on acceptance issues and explore attitudes and feelings. I have been honest about how it feels to have had changes in my stuttering pattern, which has resulted in more overt stuttering, including blocks. Which I don’t like! No kidding, right? No one likes getting stuck! Unless you stutter, you probably do not know what that truly feels like. So I have been working hard to accept this new pattern. I have tried volitional blocking, to be more aware of where I am getting stuck. It is hard enough to block, but to try and do it purposely is tough. Especially with someone watching me. I’ll get to that in a minute.

A critic of mine tells me that I talk too much about acceptance. That people who have really accepted stuttering don’t talk about it or write about it as much as I do. He says I shouldn’t be just enduring stuttering, I should be doing something to overcome it, then acceptance wouldn’t be an issue that needs talking about. No kidding? If it were that easy, parents and kids would have no problem whatsoever with stuttering, right?

So anyway, in my individual session Monday night, the two students and I got to work on attempting to feel and see where my blocks occur. Both students say they can see when I block – in my shoulders especially and even in my abdomen when I tense up and lose air flow. I did not realize that. I try to pay as little attention as I can to what the blocks look like. But I guess I wasn’t really “feeling” them either. So even though I felt very self-conscious, I allowed myself to stutter freely to “catch” the blocking. I used a word that I get stuck on a lot. “Quick”. While stuttering naturally on “qu-qu-qu-quick” and really paying attention, I was able to feel my throat constrict and felt the lack of air flow.

So then I was encouraged to voluntarily block on “quick”, and no kidding, I felt it. I really felt the block.  I was totally aware of my air flow being momentarily cut off, and I was doing it purposely! Yikes! I did it several more times, and was amazed to see that I could finally block purposely for the express purpose of feeling what it felt like. The students commented that again they could see the tension in my shoulders and abdomen when the air flow was squeezed off and I tried pushing the sound out.

I learned a lesson. I can really learn to desensitize myself by blocking purposely,and not feeling so flustered when it happens. Good friend Greg at stuttering.me has encouraged me to do volitional blocking as much as I can. I really didn’t think I could do it. But now I know I can. I need to know how it feels. Greg has also suggested negative practice, where I block as hard and as much as I can, in an effort to eventually be able to “turn off” the block. No kidding!

What do you think of the idea of blocking on purpose? Have you tried it? Can you see some benefit? Do you think it’s a bad thing to encourage acceptance?

One of the things that I had always wanted to do was teach. But I thought I couldn’t because of stuttering. When choosing a career path in college, I remember thinking that teaching was out of the question.  It would require too much talking and who would want to hear a stutterer?  So I chose a field that I thought would entail less talking- social work. Well, it didn’t quite turn out to be less talking, because as we know, social workers/counselors talk to people every day. I had thought that at least I wouldn’t have to stand up in front of groups and talk, and risk stuttering.

Now, some twenty years later, I am doing exactly what I thought I could never do, and in a way, I am teaching. I consider myself to be very lucky. I have put myself in a position to be talking to different groups about the stuttering experience and acceptance.  And I really love doing it. It is a way for me to give and do volunteer work about something I am passionate about.  Over the last two years, I have facilitated several workshops and presentations on acceptance of stuttering and how we can manage it in our lives. Something I never would have dreamed was possible. And I don’t have to be a certified teacher to teach.

Two weeks ago, I helped to present a 6 hour workshop to speech language pathologists, with two other people who stutter. Our workshop covered therapy approaches for pre-school and older kids and teens, and adult considerations. I covered the section on adult issues and spent considerable time discussing covert stuttering. There were over 120 SLPs in attendance,and we received excellent feedback about our presentation. The day proved that there needs to be a partnership between professionals and people who live the stuttering experience.

Two days ago, I participated in a NSA Youth Day in Syracuse NY. I volunteered to present a workshop for parents. As it turned out, me and my friend Joe actually co-facilitated the presentation for a group that included both parents, students and professional SLPs. This was one of the most moving experiences I have had. We talked about stuttering being OK and acceptance. Parents shared their worries and fears and their hopes for their kids. Some shared that this was their first experience talking openly about stuttering, and hearing adults who stutter do so freely. Parents commented that they wished they had knew about resources like this long ago.

Some parents openly showed emotion throughout,  and especially when we had everyone practice voluntary stuttering. For some parents, it was the first time they had experienced what their child experienced. Two moms who had just met practiced voluntary stuttering with each other and both were visibly moved and teary eyed. They felt a powerful connection. We then finished with having everyone try a Chinese finger trap and feel how it feels to get stuck during a block. It was a good way to end the adult workshop. We had all shared powerful emotional moments with each other. I felt very proud and honored to be a part of that with my friend Joe and new friends from Syracuse.

The kids joined the adults as we concluded the day and shared with us what they had worked on during their workshop. Some of these kids had NOT wanted to be at this workshop. Their parents had strongly encouraged them to come. The kids made a video of what its’ like to stutter in public and get made fun of. It was amazing to see this, and listen as the kids excitedly answered questions about how they worked together to act this out. The kids were grinning from ear to ear. They had learned something about their own stuttering on this sunny Saturday. And the looks of pride on the adult faces was unmistakable.

A mom came up to me as we were leaving and asked if it was OK to give me a hug. She said she always thought it was her job to fix her kid. She said she feels relief to know that acceptance can be part of her job too. My eyes welled up along with hers.

Yep, it was a great way to spend a Saturday. I feel lucky to be a part of something I never thought I could do. All the smiles and tears will stay with me for a long time.

Has stuttering ever held you back? Have you ever been surprised to see that you CAN do something you never thought you  could?  Do you think its important for parents of kids who stutter to talk to and listen to adults who stutter?