Make Room For The Stuttering

How do you know when you have found something inside you that needs to be felt and processed? It comes to you, suddenly perhaps, and won’t leave until you deal with it. Feelings are not easy to deal with. They leave you vulnerable, mushy, sometimes raw. I have been almost buckled under lately by an overwhelming feeling of sadness that just won’t go away. Sometimes, for no reason at all, I feel all teary-eyed with a sudden lump in my throat. Then I am trying to push something down.

I think this unfelt feeling is grief. It sure feels like grief. I feel like I am missing something, and you feel grief when you are experiencing loss.

I may be experiencing loss of my former stuttering self. For three years, I have been gradually more and more overt with my stuttering, and in turn, more and more accepting. In many instances, I have nearly lost the covertness I had for so long. With the gradual open stuttering came a lightness within me. As my stuttering self relaxed, I was at ease publicly stuttering and publicly disclosing. People remarked that my stuttering has been easy and relaxed and very easy to listen to.

Now, however, there has been a shift. My stuttering is not easy and relaxed. There is tension and I am uncomfortable. I miss the easiness I had. I miss the ease I had talking about stuttering. This is not the part that I wanted to “die to”. This may indeed be the loss that I am grieving.

I talked on the phone with a friend recently. She stutters and has had a long journey of ups and downs, trying to find an acceptable balance with stuttering in her every day life. She said something that quite startled me. And she prefaced it with one of those “I hope this won’t offend you” ( you immediately brace yourself for the worst when someone says that). Anyway, she says that when she first met me, I was bubbly and full of laughter. Now, I seem to have lost  that, and I appear to be more solid.

So, is it the laughter I am missing, mourning? Is solid bad? Am I am not  relaxed and laughing with my stuttering anymore? Is it that obvious? We talked about how the journey takes us in different directions and where this might bring me. 

Feelings have a funny way of showing up announced, leaving you feeling all mushy and raw, don’t they?

I am at the National Stuttering Association annual conference in Scottsdale, Arizona. By this date, I should be in full stuttering mode, attending workshops, meeting new people and re-kindling old friendships.

I have brought my camera and camcorder with me, and really plan to capture some of the moments of the conference. It is indeed special to be among hundreds of stutterers, and feel free to be oneself.

Some of the workshops I am helping out with include: the Toastmasters Demo meeting, where a small group of us run a mini-meeting so people who stutter who are thinking about joining can see first hand what its all about. That’s on Friday morning at 8:30 (ugh, the time- but I’ll make it). Then later on Friday I will be participating on a panel with Peter and Eric from Stutter Talk.

Then on Saturday afternoon, I am co-facilitating a workshop with my room mate Patrice Nolan. We are presenting “Pushing Past The Fear”.

I am confident this will be a great experience. I will share upon my return. I hope to tweet some updates too!

Trust who are – not who you think you should be or what you think the world wants you to be. I have heard this before and have shared it with other people. I have been in the business of counseling and helping other people for 25 years, but very often can’t see the forest through the trees when it comes to me. That’s why I sometimes feel so self-critical. “Hello, you help people every day, why can’t you do it for yourself ?”

If I knew the answer to that, I would be peaceful, balanced, secure that I have finally figured it out. And I probably would stop writing, because I would know the answer and there would be nothing left to explore.

I think I have figured a little something out lately with my shift in stuttering. I am not trusting myself to go through this change. I do not trust that it will be OK. It was like how I felt the first days after getting fired.  I was so afraid that I would fall on my face that I didn’t do anything for a while that would put me in a positon to fall. I didn’t want to, couldn’t, risk anything.

I stayed in bed for three whole days, until I just literally couldn’t anymore. Then I got up and started moving. And kept moving so fast. I think what I was doing was literally blotting out the feelings, so I wouldn’t have to deal with what had changed. I didn’t trust myself to move through the change, and just be with it, feel it, learn from it.

Thankfully, I did eventually, and learned how that experience really was the beginning of the rest of my life.

And this part of my life, this part with new stuttering, I think I have to just trust it. Just like before, if I project confidence and stay other-focused, good things will happen. If I don’t trust my stuttering self, everyone around me will know. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and face. You can tell when something is not right with me. I can tell. I can feel it.

So here it is again: Trust who are – not who you think you should be or what you think the world wants you to be. This is my challenge to you, and me! I am going to trust myself. How about you?

Copyright © 2009

Interesting reflection shared by support group member the other night. Gave people pause to think. Definitely got my attention. After listening to someone’s long share about being stuck and negativity, Brian mentioned that a friend of his told him years ago: “It’s none of your business what other people may be thinking of you. Just worry about yourself.” He went on to say that he thinks that stutterers can be very self-centered.

It can happen, if you get so absorbed in rehearsing what you’re going to say, or planning an escape strategy, or obsessing over what the other person is thinking. Suddenly, there is no US or WE in the conversation. It just becomes about me, the stutterer, and what I am thinking, feeling, worrying, or obsessing about. I admit to having done this, a lot!

It made so much sense, and everybody kind of paused for a minute to process it. It was like a big “Aha” moment, one of those powerful moments that everyone was glad Brian shared.

It made me think of something I have learned, processed and shared at Toastmasters. I gave a speech a few months ago, from the Public Relations manual. The objective was to promote Toastmasters and review some of the selling points. I shared that one of the things I have finally learned about public speaking is this: “It’s not about ME. It’s about the audience, the listener.”

The minute I realized that and shifted my mind-set, I was able to shed a ton of nervousness. When one speaks publicly, you have to be speaking to the audience. You have to be in tune with why they are there, what do they need and how you can deliver and fulfill those needs. And one more secret: the audience wants you to succeed. If you fail as a speaker, they will have a miserable time as well as you having a miserable time. Some people commented that they had never thought of it like that, and liked that idea. It was my take-home for the night.

Well, guess what? Its the SAME THING when you talk one-on-one with anyone. The listener wants you to succeed as much as you want to succeed. They want to hear your opinion and point-of-view, or they wouldn’t be having a conversation with you in the first place.

This makes perfect sense to me. It can relieve us from being self-centered and make the switch to being other-centered. When we are other-centered, there is far less chance that shame will creep in.  This is a good speaking tip for anybody, not just those of us who stutter.

Thanks Brian, for sharing this little gem. Thats the power of the self-help community. We continuously learn from each other. Do you agree? Thoughts?

Copyright © 2009

Sometimes I feel like I have a great big dust-ball in my mouth. You know what I mean, right? That scratchy feeling you sometimes get when you try to swallow and your mouth and throat is completely dry. You try to swallow and it hurts. There’s no saliva. You try to speak and either just a little croak or absolutely nothing comes out.

This doesn’t happen to me only when I am stuttering. I can be having a great speech day and still get dust-ball mouth. When I talk a lot (which I can do) and forget to sip water, or worse yet, forget to bring it, the dust-ball settles right in the back of my mouth.

When stuttering with a dust-ball in your mouth, every delay and trip is magnified and worsened. It becomes obvious that not only have I run out of air to speak, but I also can’t even swallow. And I really struggle with actually trying not to swallow, because I don’t want to swallow the dust-ball. I can visualize the after-effects of swallowed dust-balls, and its not pretty. Choking up is one thing, literally choking on a dust-ball is something completely different.

If you are not sure how this feels, experiment with it. Take a cotton ball, put it in the back of your mouth and do some voluntary stuttering. “Duh-duh-duh-Dustball”. Its hard to do, without getting the cotton caught farther back in your throat and feeling that you are choking.

What possessed me to write about this? I have no idea, except that sometimes it really feels as if I have dust-balls in my mouth. You?

I have two beautiful stoneware pieces that I bought a few years ago. I loved the sayings. They look nice on my wall, but honestly, I haven’t paid much attention to them. 

Recent thoughts find me reflecting more on the meaning of life. I had one of those “Aha moments” as I passed by them today in my living room. I was even inspired to photograph them. I have been thinking a lot lately about living life more fully.

Dance as  though no one is watching you! Sing as though no one can hear you! 

Trusted mentor and friend J and I talked recently about change and taking chances,and how scary it can be to take the big chances that will result in big change. He once suggested to me to think about death when confronted with something that seems too overwhelmingly fearful. It took me a while to understand how powerful this really is. (See earlier post where we first discussed this, way back in April, called Surrender with Grace ).

I have talked before about the wonderful book I have been reading, Broken Open, by Elizabeth Lesser. It’s about how difficult times can help us grow. She devotes several chapters to the “practice of dying”.  Its fascinating, and I highly recommend the book.

Now, why would anyone want to “practice death”?  Lesser writes that when we are faced with a challenge or fear, we should “die to it”. In other words, ask what must die in order for us to give up the resistance, or our ego, or whatever it is that is holding us back. Many people fear death, so if you prepare yourself for it, everything else will be that much easier to face. Live your life as if this day was your last.

Lesser further asserts, “Practicing dying means living as close to reality as we can in each moment. It is the ultimate bravery.”

So, does this have anything to do with stuttering? It absolutely does. I am having a hard time right now with my stoppages, and I am trying to figure out a way to just give in to them. I have several good friends whose names begin with “J”. Joe shared something with me by email the other day, that has not left my head.  He said,

If there is one thing we know about stuttering, it’s that it changes, all the time. I’ve often felt that before things get better, stutter-wise or life-wise, they get worse first. I know that my big positive changes in my own stuttering were precipitated by increases in stuttering, tension, struggle, you name it. As much as you can, let that stuttering come, let the block happen. Sit there with it. It’s going to teach you something, we just don’t know what yet. You may want to try doing some of it, whatever “it” is, on purpose.

And although I wanted to be covert, I was never able to, so I don’t know covert like you know covert. But wouldn’t you feel kinda dumb if you had been trying not to stutter all these years, and there really wasn’t any stuttering under there in the first place? I know I would. This is the stuttering that you have been avoiding for years and years… the only way, unfortunately, to get past it is to go through it…

I think I may have to die to my stuttering, to re-accept this part of me. My ego may have become a bit too comfortable with what I thought I was comfortable with. I want to identify less with ego and more with soul. That is how I think I/we can live life to its fullest.

I am going to try and sit more with my stuttering and let it teach me what needs to be taught. I am also going to try to make more room to sit quietly and practice dying. It will help me to be more successful living.

What should you die to? What will you gain?

Copyright © 2009

For some reason, this memory popped into my head this week. When I was working as a manager at the job I was fired from, one of my responsibiltiies was to hold weekly staff meetings. Because I had two different departments, I held team meetings. One meeting was for the counselors and the other meeting was for the teachers. One of the things I always did was go around and give everyone a chance to talk. I always asked people to name at least one positive thing that happened that week. When I first  started doing that, they all thought it was corny, but it came to be the best part of the meetings.

I always started the meetings off reviewing any management stuff that needed to be shared, and then we would review caseloads and class rosters. Then I would go around the room and call on each person, starting with their positive share. I did this to keep meetings from becoming bitch sessions! I would call on each person by name, their first name. Leslie, Becky, Catherine, etc. Except for one person. I always called on her by her last name, so I would address her by Ms. Last Name. Why? Because her first name was Andrea, and I could not say it.

It always came out “An-an-an-an-an, dru-dru” and I would get frustrated because I could never finish it.  I hated that. (Looking back, it was one of the first moments that I was aware that keeping my stuttering hidden was a major pain. I am sort of ashamed I did this, but glad I am fessing up here.) And she worked there for over a year while I was still there!

So my trick was to call her Ms.”Last Name”. Until I began to obsess over that. I began to constantly worry that maybe she thought I didn’t like her because I never called her by her first name. I called everyone else by their first name, but was always formal with her. Even when referring to her with someone else, it was always Ms. “Last Name”.  I began to worry that she thought I hated her.

Now, come on! I had lots of things to think about. Overseeing two large departments, managing influx of students in and out of classrooms, doing scheduling every week, attending management meetings where I worked hard to maintain my covert-ness. And here I was worrying about whether Andrea thought I liked her or not.

Funny thing, I did. I liked Andrea, a lot. I just wished she had had a different name!  She was one of the best counselors I ever worked with. She was innovative, open to new ideas and met the kids where they were at. And she was honest.

We never talked about it. She never asked why I always called her by her last name. If I ever run into her again, I will tell her this story and the truth about her name.

And what does Grace have to do with this? One of my favorite sayings is, “When a person finds their voice, they take on grace”. Well, I have found my voice, and I am graceful.

This was one of my trickiest covert tricks to pull off. And I pulled it off for a while. At a price, though!  Does anyone have a similiar story?

Copyright © 2009

My cheese keeps moving and I don’t like it. I get used to my cheese being in a certain place and that’s where I expect it to be when I look for cheese.

Change is an inevitable part of life, but still, most of us resist it. One of the best books I ever read is “Who Moved My Cheese?” (by Spencer Johnson). The story is a fable about living in a maze and spending all of your time running around looking for, finding and eating “cheese”. Cheese is the metaphor for what we want to have in life, such as a good job, meaningful relationship, enough money, etc.

I live in a maze. I think we all do. The hard part about living in this maze is that the place they keep the cheese keeps changing. When the old cheese moves, you have to get off your butt to find new cheese. But it can be scary, as change often is. It involves taking a certain amount of risk.

It is often easier to remain stuck in old patterns and mind-sets even when they don’t work anymore and even when they are making us miserable. We are comfortable with what we know. We become attached to the way things are, even if they are bad for us.

This is happening to me. The way I feel about my stuttering has been changing, and I didn’t recognize it right away. Its not Swiss cheese with neat little holes anymore. No, its a block of cheddar cheese now. I never used to like Swiss cheese, but I grew to like it and am now comfortable with it. I make sandwiches all the time with Swiss cheese. Now, I have to get used to a block of cheddar cheese. Its hard to cut, the slices don’t always come out even and sometimes they crumble and fall apart. Like my stuttering. Sometimes, it falls apart.

The cheese in my relationship is also changing and moving. The more I grow and reach new personal heights, the more my partner wants me to stay the same. It makes me crazy sometimes, and I give in to it, because the alternative is scary. But one of these days, I am going to wake up and find that all of my old cheese is gone, and I will have no choice but to change course in the maze and discover new cheese. I think I will like new cheese. I think I am even testing new cheeses right now, sometimes without even realizing it. As a good friend said, its gives me hope.

What will it be? Feta? Goat? Brie? Something that I haven’t tried yet, that I know for sure.

What do you do when your cheese moves? Do you get off your butt and look for new cheese? I don’t think we have a choice – we have to look for cheese in new places.

Copyright © 2009

I talked with a friend the other day about skiing. I don’t ski – never have, and really have no desire to. I don’t think I was designed to have part of me on little wooden slabs, propelling  down a mountain. I am sure I would be holding on tight to the poles,  screaming all the way, much like I did one time I went on an amusement park ride.

I can remember riding on these big swings that turned you sideways and went faster and faster, higher and higher. I was holding on to the chains so tight that they dug into my knuckles. I was also screaming to the guy to let me off. He didn’t hear me, or chose to ignore me. Too bad, because unfortunately I got sick while flying through the air. I never did something like that again.

I was looking at pictures of Heather in her office of  her skiing hey-days. She was good. Could have skied professionally. She shared with me how it felt, the sheer joy and freedom of letting go and flying free. She described the balance needed to ski, and thrill of knowing exactly how to hold on and let go simultaneoulsy. It was like an art form, she said, the perfect moment, where she just knew when to let go and fly. She expressed such joy in the telling of this brief story, and I could see the exhilaration in the picture of her at that exact moment when she let go and took off.

I think stuttering is like that. I can hold on so tight sometimes when I should really just let go. I am talking about both the actual stuttering – what is heard and seen – and the emotions, that lie beneath. I have often held on so tight to fear of judgement, fear of ridicule, fear of punishment that I become paralyzed and unable to let go. So those feelings stay buried, and they get pushed deeper and deeper until I can no longer identify them.

Its all about balance. We need that. I need that in my life. My stuttering needs to balance with the rest of my life. It is better to let loose and let go, and just stutter freely. Holding on so tight creates tension and distress, which then has to be relieved somehow. I notice sometimes that I try to hold in a stutter and not let it out. Then, I get the unnerving tremor, spasm thing. My lips purse and tense, and I can feel my self  holding on when I should be letting go. The tension then moves a little bit, as I have noticed that when I am fighting the stutter, I have also been squeezing my left eye shut. I have mentioned this a few times before. It’s  involuntary – I don’t know I am doing it until I am doing it, and then I realize, “Oh no, I’m doing it.”

If I am tense and distressed, people around me sense that and get uncomfortable around me. If I am relaxed and in a good space, I send that vibe and those around me pick up on that. People react to me, to us, the way we are reacting to our selves. Profound, huh?

I know the answer – I should not hold on so tight and just let go, at the exact moment when it is right to let go. I have done it, and felt the joyful liberation of just letting go and being authentic. But stuttering is complex. Just when I think I’ve got it figured out, something else comes along to muck things up.

Don’t hold on so tight to your emotions and your stutter that you don’t let them out. It easier and feels better to let go, with joy and grace. Like with crying. Sometimes I hold on so tight and force myself to not cry. When I finally do let it go, it’s like waterfalls washing over me. Its OK to cry. Its part of the balance we need.

Have you ever had the experience of holding on too tight? Letting go? Both? It doesn’t have to be about stuttering. It can be about horseback riding, or hiking, or riding a bike. Whatever it is, sometimes it is just right to hold on and let go. Funny, how that sounds, but it sustains the balance.

Copyright © 2009

Hey everybody, please support Our Time Theater, the artistic place for people who stutter, founded by Taro Alexander, a person who stutters. Taro has dedicated his life to giving kids who stutter a place to freely express themselves through the arts.

Today, June 23, 2009, Our Time’s first album, Listen, is available for sale. The songs were written over several years by kids who stutter. This is a celebration of them having found their voices. Please support them.

The album can also be purchased at Barnes and Noble. Please support these kids and keep the amazing work of the Our Time Theater Company alive for many years.

My good friend posed this question about two weeks ago. I knew I would eventually write about it, just wasn’t sure how I felt about this notion. We were talking about impatience and judgement, two things that people who stutter often face and fear. I know I have.

So, his premise is that if stuttering was the norm, then we would have much more patient listeners. People would slow down and focus, and use active listening skills, to be sure to understand stuttered speech. The stutterers would be revered, looked up to, duly respected. Listeners would hang on every word, for as long as it took for those words to come out.

Far fetched, maybe? But nonetheless intriguing. It makes perfect sense. People who stutter often give great presentations. The stutterer prepares more, speaks slower, allowing for listener process time, and makes effective use of pausing. Some stutterers also keenly understand the dynamics involved in good communication, which of course go way beyond fluency.

People who stutter use eye contact and body language to make a point and connect with the listeners. If you don’t believe it, go and listen to a stutterer giving a speech. Or try giving a speech yourself. You will notice a cadence, and as you  listen, you will pick up the words and content just fine. A stutterer will also repeat things, both intentionally and involuntarily! This is another great way for the listener to be sure they walk away with a clear understanding of what was said! Makes sense, huh! I know I got you at least thinking about it in a different way!

People who don’t stutter may talk way too fast, choose sloppy words and may fail to connect with the audience. Watch for that sometimes too. You’ll notice speakers trying to keep up with a tele-prompter, and forget that they should really be keeping up with the audience, those there for the purpose of listening.

I attended the annual conference about two years ago, for my state’s speech and language association. I had been asked to give a brief overview of my stuttering and how I have been impacted by change. I remember one of the therapists in the audience shared a tale (tall?) about a Zulu tribe in Africa where stuttering is coveted. People in the tribe who stutter are considered to have great wisdom. Other tribal members bemoan the fact that they don’t stutter, and strive to learn how to stutter.

Parents rejoice when children begin stuttering during language development, and breathe a sigh of relief when its not outgrown. The parents know their child will lead a blessed life, known for wisdom and powerful speech. Envy and prestige will follow this child through his life, as he or she is pre-destined to do great things as an adult who stutters.

Imagine that. A world free of judgement and impatience for stuttering. A world where stuttering is considered power and strength.

What if  stuttering was the norm? How would it look to you? How would your out look on life change? Can you imagine this?

Copyright © 2009

There is definitely a connection between stress and our level of stuttering. Most of the time,my stutter is mild, with easy repetitions and some hesitations. Lately, as I have been sharing, I have seen a subtle change in my stuttering pattern and have had, and felt, more stoppages along with the repetitions and hesitations. Its almost as if my stuttering is evolving or finding itself. This makes some sense. I was covert for years, and have only been stuttering openly for about 3 years. It is between the ages of 2 and 4 that stuttering develops. So, maybe that is what is going on, since my overt stuttering is only 3 years old. As I stutter more, it is changing and evolving.

I have had extra stress over the last few weeks. My partner is acutely ill, and his medical needs continue to grow. I myself had minor surgery two weeks ago, which of course adds stress to ones life. It has been very busy at school with end-of-year activities, staff lay-offs, and summer planning. I’ve definitely noticed I have been stuttering more, with a different pattern. I have been getting stuck more often, and have noticed a little frustration when that happens.

Yesterday was a good example of a stressful day. Partner was scheduled for surgery at 10:15 am,and we were told to arrive an hour before hand. He is diabetic and in renal failure, so not being able to eat was stressing him out. He was also extremely anxious about this particular procedure.

Once he was prepped and taken in, my job was to wait. And wait. And wait. Now, I don’t know about you, but waiting for long hours, feeling stressed and being alone is not a good formula. It is too much time to daydream about worst case scenarios, and it is too much time to think, period. I had a newspaper with me and a good book, but I was tired, and unable to focus on either for very long.

I nodded off a few times, while sitting in a very uncomfortable chair. A couple of times I went to the nurse’s desk to question what was taking so long. At least three times to the desk, each time, very disfluent. Even with simple 3 or 4 word questions. When he was finally done, he had to be in recovery for a while and I still couldn’t go back. So I went outside to get some fresh air, and my phone rang. I had a conversation with a friend, and again noticed a tension in my speech, and much stopping and repetitions. I could feel my lips tremor and felt frustrated. My friend had no problems with any of this. No, this was solitary frustration I kept to myself.

We know that stress does not cause stuttering, nor does anxiety or nervousness. But we do know that stress can certainly exasperate stuttering, and in my case, this has certainly been happening. I am stuttering more than usual, and not feeling positive about it. What  I do feel positive about is being able to recognize that this is going on, and acknowledging that this is yet another part of me that needs exploring.

My partner emerged from surgery fine. He has blocked arteries in both legs, and they had hoped to correct one yesterday and put in a stent,  to keep his artery open and make walking easier. They were unable to do that, so will schedule another procedure in a week or so. He can’t drive for 48 hours, so I had to get up early this morning to drive him to dialysis. I will go back in a few hours to pick him up. He has a lot going on, therefore I have a lot going on. And I think all of this plays into how comfortable and relaxed my speech is.

Has this happend with anyone else? Do you experience growth spurts with your stuttering? Are you able to recognize when things are changing? I think this is one of the periods in my life where I need to be very kind and gentle with myself, and just go with the flow. Stress will always be around. It’s how we react that makes or breaks us.

Copyright © 2009

I am very fortunate. I bet most of you reading this are too. I wake up every day, take care of my own needs, and drive myself to a job that pays me for the work that I do. There are tens of thousands of people that cannot do this, which many of us may have taken for granted. Not so much now with hard economic times and fewer jobs. These people of all ages rely on other people to provide the supports they need to get through every day. These are the people in our communities with disabilities.

This Wednesday night, I was installed as a member of the Board of Directors of an agency that supports developmentally disabled people. I accepted this nomination for a two year term. I am doing this because I can. I have a soft spot for people with different abilities. I have served for the last year as a member of the same agency’s Guardianship Committee. I help observe the rights of  people who can’t make medical or end-of-life decisions. We also work to ensure they are not taken advantage of, or denied care, just because they are disabled.

So why am I writing about this? It doesn’t appear to have anything to do with stuttering, does it? But if you continue reading, you’ll see a connection.

I just received my issue of inSIGHT, a newsletter that provides resources for families affected by many developmental disorders. One article caught my eye. It is titled “Encountering Someone Different”, and is written by a man who is a psychologist, a wheelchair user and grandfather of an 8 year old autistic boy. He writes about people talking over him, dismissing him, refusing to make eye contact, etc., because he is different. He discusses how the average person who encounters someone with a disfigured body or acting in a way that doesn’t meet the expected norm, feels distress.

“It happens so fast that we don’t even know what we are feeling. The first instinct is to find a way to diminish the stress. Sometimes, the reaction to the distress takes the form of  harsh judgement. This may include critical looks or patronizing comments. There is a price that is paid ,and not just for the person who is judged or ignored. Stress is a symptom – diminishing it by judging, criticizing or ignoring others is merely a form of symptom relief, like having a stiff drink.” (Daniel Gottlieb, Ph.D. 2008) He says, “its stressful facing someone different.” Gottlieb shares this story about his 8 year old grandson.

Sam is generally doing well in first grade but struggles in some areas. Recently he had class work that he didn’t understand. Embarrassed by his difficulty, he took his book home without asking his teacher. When he spoke to his mom, not only was he embarrassed about not understanding the homework, he also felt guilty about taking the book home.

In order to assuage his guilt, Sam’s mom explained: “Sam, they have a special piece of paper at school that says when you have trouble with your work, you can ask the teacher and she will give you extra help. And if you still have trouble, she will call me and I will also help you. But Sam didn’t feel better. He began to cry: ‘Mommy, I don’t want a special piece of paper.’

Sam speaks for most everyone who is “different”. None of us really wants that special piece of paper.

This piece really resonated with me. It touched me, in so many ways. I have heard it said that people who stutter are more sensitive to people with other disabilities. Some people who stutter can be disabled by their stutter. No matter the severity, all of us who stutter may have felt different, judged, ignored, patronized, inferior, disrespected, isolated.

When I spend time with people who have disabilities and their family members, I feel blessed to be able to make an impact. I share my ideas  and make suggestions, listen and ask questions. No one really cares if I stutter. In the scheme of  things, it doesn’t matter. Our communities have to be inclusive, of everyone, even if they look, act or sound different.

So what can we do when we feel distressed when we encounter someone who is different? Allow ourselves to feel the stressful feelings without trying to avoid them. (Hm, like stuttering!) Make eye contact, whether the person has Down Syndrome or fails to initiate speech. The grandfather of the 8 year old Sam says, “I have always believed that if you look in someones eyes, you  can find their humanity – and in that process, you can learn more about your own.”

The next time you encounter someone different, look in their eyes. And hope that someone looks you directly in the eye. We are different. We are alike. We are human.

Copyright © 2009

It creeps in unexpectedly. I know the tell-tale signs.  Flushed face, racing heart, averted eyes,  or some lame attempt at avoidance. Of all the feelings that can be associated with our stuttering, shame is the toughest. It speaks to how I feel about me, the person, not the stuttering, which is something that I do.

When I realize I am still dealing with the “S” word, I feel so hypocritical. Like, I have no right to write about acceptance when shame still affects me. I remember reading a piece by Bill Murphy on shame, where he reminds us of what shame is, and how openness about stuttering can reduce shame. I am very open about my stuttering, but still, shame creeps in, at those moments when I least expect it.

Murphy’s distinction between shame and guilt is worth sharing here: Guilt is associated with something you have done. Shame is related to the way you are. This means that you may feel guilt for something that you did or said. When you feel shame, its deeper. You feel something is wrong with you, that you are defective or flawed.

I still feel shame sometimes, (about stuttering, about past unspeakables) even though intellectually I know I shouldn’t. My head and my heart are not always aligned. So  those shameful moments, however fleeting, tell me there is still some healing to be done. For me, it means I have to talk about it with someone and write about it.

I felt shame this past week when I got stuck on something that I wanted to say at work. My face got red right away, and I tried to laugh if off, but inside I was feeling inadequate for not being able to say what I wanted when I wanted.

I felt shame when I talked on the phone the other day and had a long stick . The person on the other end asked if I was still there. Of course I was, I hadn’t hung up. I felt frustrated and remember saying to myself, “geez, I can’t believe this. What’s going on?”

I felt shame at the doctor’s office when a nurse asked me what hospital I had a lab done. I said “Sa-Sa-Samaritan”. The nurse looked at me and smiled and said “are you sure?” I was ashamed that I didn’t just tell her that I stuttered. That felt like one of those times that it was not the right place or time to do stuttering education or advocacy. You have to choose your moments. It’s tough when there are so many to choose from and you don’t pick at least one!

Instead, I feel the familiar shame creeping in, with its tell tale signs that yes, there is more work to be done. Yes, I am a work in progress. Yes, I am human and feel things that my head says I shouldn’t.

How does that saying go? Fool me once, shame on you! Fool me twice, shame on me!

I am only fooling myself when I am not honest about what I feel about stuttering and some of the other things. Shame on me for being lulled into a false sense of bliss. I have to be aware of my feelings, and really feel them, all of them – good and bad – and not allow myself to slip backwards into old patterns. That is not healthy. Shame on me!

Copyright © 2009

On the game show Jeopardy, you are given an answer and you provide the question. So the question that fits today’s post is: “How do you plead?”

I felt guilty for a long time after getting fired. Its been more than 3 years now, but I am suddenly thinking about it a lot. That could be a byproduct of the fact that I am thinking about and writing quite a bit on stuttering. (Bet you couldn’t guess that, huh?) But some thoughts just enter my mind and refuse to leave until I have processed it in some way. Like this guilt. When I first started feeling it, I pushed it away, like I was always so good at pushing emotions away. But it’s in my mind and I need to try and make sense out of it.

I was fired from my job because of my stuttering. My boss thought I was not communicating effectively. I’ve mentioned this  before. What I didn’t mention was that for a long time I thought it was my fault. I was very covert and afraid to admit to anyone, including myself, that I stutter. Because of this, I let my boss think what he wanted: that I was nervous, anxious, and afraid to speak in front of groups. Anything but admit that I stuttered. I was too afraid. I continued to keep it a secret (even though it really wasn’t  – my covert mind just thought it was).

So, for a long time, I thought it was my fault that I got fired. That if  I just had the courage to admit that I stutter, explain that it is a speech impairment and that it wasn’t my fault, that everything would have been OK, my job would have understood and and I wouldn’t have been fired. This is the first time I have put this on paper (so to speak – well, the computer.) I have thought about it, worried about it, obsessed over it, and finally, deeply buried it. For some reason, it popped back up this week.

Looking at it from a distance, I do not think that owning my stuttering would have made that much a difference. The company wanted me gone, and they would have found another key reason. “Not meeting performance expectations” was the main reason I was let go, with communication difficulties at the core. I’m sure they would have found something else.

My boss and his cohorts were not enlightened enough to accept stuttering as an acceptable style of workplace communication. After all, he did make fun of me, laughed and encouraged others to do the same.  I know now that I am much better off not being there. Moving on has been a good thing. People have told me it was a “blessing in disguise” that I was fired. It was what I needed to open this new chapter of my life and emerge a stronger, better person.

So, I was surprised when Guilt re-visited me. Put in an appearance. Rolled around in my mind. I know I have no reason to have felt guilty about stuttering at work, and the choices I made about being open about it. And it’s also not wrong for me to have felt this guilt. It’s a human emotion, and feeling emotions are OK.

So, if this were to happen again, if I was unfortunate enough to  lose my job again, it will not be because I have been covert about stuttering. I have been very open, and have put myself out there time and again. I like being able to say that. No, if I ever get fired again, it will be because I used up all the toilet paper in the staff restroom or made a mess in the microwave.

Have you ever felt guilty over something that you shouldn’t have? Whats the best way to deal with it?

Copyright © 2009