It creeps in unexpectedly. I know the tell-tale signs.  Flushed face, racing heart, averted eyes,  or some lame attempt at avoidance. Of all the feelings that can be associated with our stuttering, shame is the toughest. It speaks to how I feel about me, the person, not the stuttering, which is something that I do.

When I realize I am still dealing with the “S” word, I feel so hypocritical. Like, I have no right to write about acceptance when shame still affects me. I remember reading a piece by Bill Murphy on shame, where he reminds us of what shame is, and how openness about stuttering can reduce shame. I am very open about my stuttering, but still, shame creeps in, at those moments when I least expect it.

Murphy’s distinction between shame and guilt is worth sharing here: Guilt is associated with something you have done. Shame is related to the way you are. This means that you may feel guilt for something that you did or said. When you feel shame, its deeper. You feel something is wrong with you, that you are defective or flawed.

I still feel shame sometimes, (about stuttering, about past unspeakables) even though intellectually I know I shouldn’t. My head and my heart are not always aligned. So  those shameful moments, however fleeting, tell me there is still some healing to be done. For me, it means I have to talk about it with someone and write about it.

I felt shame this past week when I got stuck on something that I wanted to say at work. My face got red right away, and I tried to laugh if off, but inside I was feeling inadequate for not being able to say what I wanted when I wanted.

I felt shame when I talked on the phone the other day and had a long stick . The person on the other end asked if I was still there. Of course I was, I hadn’t hung up. I felt frustrated and remember saying to myself, “geez, I can’t believe this. What’s going on?”

I felt shame at the doctor’s office when a nurse asked me what hospital I had a lab done. I said “Sa-Sa-Samaritan”. The nurse looked at me and smiled and said “are you sure?” I was ashamed that I didn’t just tell her that I stuttered. That felt like one of those times that it was not the right place or time to do stuttering education or advocacy. You have to choose your moments. It’s tough when there are so many to choose from and you don’t pick at least one!

Instead, I feel the familiar shame creeping in, with its tell tale signs that yes, there is more work to be done. Yes, I am a work in progress. Yes, I am human and feel things that my head says I shouldn’t.

How does that saying go? Fool me once, shame on you! Fool me twice, shame on me!

I am only fooling myself when I am not honest about what I feel about stuttering and some of the other things. Shame on me for being lulled into a false sense of bliss. I have to be aware of my feelings, and really feel them, all of them – good and bad – and not allow myself to slip backwards into old patterns. That is not healthy. Shame on me!

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