Make Room For The Stuttering

I was doing some reading for a professional development workshop that I will co-facilitate with a colleague at school. We are going to do a two-hour session on bullying for teachers and other staff. We plan to cover how bullying affects both children and adults.

Obviously there is a big problem with kids being bullied, both in and out of schools. In my community alone, there have been five teen suicides at one high school in this school year alone. FIVE!  That’s incredible.  Bullying has been mentioned in all five cases, that the girls had all been bullied by someone in school. The school, of course, has been hotly criticized and in the news.

Adults are also bullied. Workplace bullying is pervasive. It doesn’t get the same attention that bullied children get, and certainly not when kids wind up killing themselves. Kids who bully grow up to be adults who bully. I know! I’ve been there. I had a boss who was a bully. I didn’t see the warning signs until a whole lot of damage had already been done.

The colleague I am co-facilitating with has also been bullied. We’ve talked about it, and thought that this would be very relevant and useful to present.  Personally, its been very important to me for a long time. I have talked to dozens and dozens of kids about preventing teasing and bullying, using my stuttering experiences as a real example.

The proposal we submitted was approved within 24 hours. The superintendent of instruction asked us if we could present it before the end of the school year. She must think its really relevant! That’s not enough time. There are too many things on the calendar in the next four weeks. There’s a good chance we will present at All Staff Orientation in September, giving us the summer to really come up with meaningful stuff that will be useful. This will be a huge risk for both of us, but we’re ready!

We began looking at a few things this week.  My colleague sent me this link:  www.overcomebullying.org. This organization was founded by Anton Hout, who was bullied big-time in the workplace. There’s a 32-page handbook defining bullying, identifying signs, how rampant  it is in the workplace, etc. This booklet grabbed me immediately from the opening lines.

 “You are likely reading this because you have found yourself to be the target of a pervasive form of mental torture in the workplace known as psychological harassment, status-blind harassment, workplace bullying or where a group is engaged in a collective attack – mobbing.”

My boss at the job I was fired from did a lot of similar stuff described in this handbook. He humiliated me every chance he got if I slipped and stuttered at work. He would slap his face, point, roll his eyes, hold his face in his hands, sigh deeply, you name it, he did it. Lots of people saw this, and reassured me it was him, not me. He managed by intimidation. He got other staff to go along with him, or just be silent.

Once, when we were at an assembly, I had to make an announcement. I stuttered, some kids laughed and started called out my name, mockingly. This guy and several of his cronies were there on the sidelines laughing and pointing, listening and watching. No one corrected the kids or got them to settle down, as was done routinely when the kids got out of hand. I still remember how embarrassing that was.

Afterwards, I remember a couple of staff coming up to me, saying sorry you had to go through that. “He’s so awful to you.”  When I was fired and filed a complaint, only two people were willing to tell what they saw and heard. Others refused, saying they were afraid of losing their job. They told my lawyer that over the phone when she reached out to a few of them.

Anyway, I am reading this booklet, highlighting a couple of things, and come across this. I couldn’t believe what I was reading.

In one such case in Ottawa, Canada a worker at OC Transpo, Pierre Lebrun, was mocked incessantly about his stutter. It had gone well beyond any kind of fun (if it ever had been) and the bullies relentlessly humiliated Lebrun at every opportunity.

Finally, having taken all he could, he lashed out and hit one of the bullies. In spite of having pleaded with managers about stopping the abuse, due to this incident the tables were turned on him and he was made to apologize to the very bully who had delighted in tormenting him.

To underscore how serious bullying and mobbing can become, this story ended in tragedy. Lebrun eventually came to work with a high powered rifle and killed several people before taking his own life. (Read At The Mercy of The Mob for a more complete reference and info about “mobbing”.)

Who would have thought that the example used to highlight how bad bullying can be would be about stuttering?

Reading this convinced me that when I do this workshop, I will definitely talk about my stuttering experiences in the workplace. I have to, now, right? It was like an omen that I read this particular article.

I have engaged in a couple of very interesting on-line conversations lately on what degree of stuttering is socially acceptable and the very intriguing concept of stuttering being attractive. The issue of social acceptance is discussed on Tom’s site, The Stuttering Brain.

I really like Tom’s site and Greg’s Stuttering.Me, because these guys break down the complexities of stuttering into a language even I can understand.

I think stuttering is still very misunderstood by most people, and it is up to those of us who stutter to tell the world about it and make it less awful. I do think some people think stuttering is awful.

That’s why they get uncomfortable, look away, make dumb comments, etc. How will we change this mind-set if we don’t do something? Some people who stutter are afraid to be too public with their stuttering. I was like that for a long time.

I worried about rejection. My stutter is mild a lot of the time, and seems OK for people to listen to, especially once they get used to me. But when I go on a rip and REALLY stutter, I notice people get more uncomfortable. That’s usually my cue that I have to say something.

My own family has a hard time with my stuttering. It has to do with my being covert for so long – keeping it well hidden, keeping the taboo, well, taboo. As long as I  kept stuttering and the other family secrets, secret, everything was good.

Now, that I’m am open and talking, and heaven forbid, getting some media coverage, I think some of my family is embarrassed. My sister Kim stopped over Saturday night. She doesn’t have a computer, and wanted to see the video from last week. She watched it twice, and got teary-eyed. She said she was proud of me. I had to choke back my emotion. I asked her what was up with everyone else. She said my mother and two sisters “just aren’t interested” and that I shouldn’t even bother sending them stuff. They aren’t going to respond. The silence is deafening. I hear the silence, and it weighs as heavily as my own silence did for years.

Am I embarrassing them? Is it socially unacceptable for them to have a sibling in the news stuttering openly? It makes me feel they don’t care, or that I do embarass them. I do care. That actually kind of hurts.

I guess I should be lucky my stuttering is not more severe. At least I talk to my mom and sister once in awhile. If  I stuttered any more overtly, maybe I wouldn’t talk to them at all.

Now back to the issue of stuttering being attractive. I talked with friend Bob last week, who tells me that he finds women’s stuttering extremely attractive and almost sexy. I find that so intriguing, as another good friend – Richard – said my stuttering is attractive about two months ago. I was blown away with this, and now Bob says pretty much the same thing.

Bob shared that he can listen to women stutter all day. I wonder, do women feel the same way about men who stutter?  I did find my friend James’ speech pattern very soothing. Almost cute. It fits his personality. He stutters with repetitions and silent blocks, and I found myself really wanting to listen. He made me want to hear more, and his stuttering seems to positively accentuate his choice of words.

Its funny how we can relate to family and non-family so differently. We are more socially accepted by our community than our family, at least in my case.

Thoughts? Comments? Similar experiences?

A very brief but poignant post today. Last week, I spoke to middle school kids about stuttering, in an effort to teach so that teasing and bullying can be prevented. This was in honor of National Stuttering Awareness Week. I was fortunate to have a reporter and photographer there, and a nice article was written for both the print and online versions of my local newspaper. There was a video too.

Today, the reporter forwarded me an email he had received from a reader. She had asked the reporter to pass this note on to me. This is what was forwarded to me.

Hello,

This morning I read the article mentioned above.  I went to High School with Pam and am wondering if you would forward this to her?

Hi Pam,

I just wanted to let you know that I too have stuttered for most of my life.  I wish we had known that about each other at Mercy (High School).  Also, it made me feel proud for you that you are able to speak out about stuttering. I just wanted to touch base and let you know that.

Cindi

She provided her last name, her married name, and her email address in case I wanted to get in touch with her. (I did – emailed her).

This totally blew me away. If only I had known. I would not have felt so alone. I would have known someone else who stuttered. How wonderful that she took the time to write to the reporter, and that he took the time to forward this to me.  I really have to process this.

Things happen for a reason.

When I was asked to be a judge at a youth public speaking contest, I didn’t give it much thought. How hard could that be? It would be fun, and it was a worthy event. Kids under 16 were competing for scholarship money. It was a competition sponsored by an Optimist Club chapter, which is a civic organization that emphasizes service and working with youth. So I agreed to volunteer on a Saturday.

When I was asked to give the key address at that same event, I did have to ponder that.  One of my Toastmaster colleagues heard me speak a couple of weeks ago, and he thought it would be inspirational to share my “stuttering story” and promote Toastmasters at this competition. There would be the young participants, their parents and family and club members. I did not know any of these people, and wondered how talking about stuttering while promoting Toastmasters would go over in a fluent crowd.

I decided to do it – it would be a good challenge for me, and would offer another opportunity to de-mystify stuttering.

I didn’t prepare much, as I know “my story” well and have been a Toastmaster for  3 years, so I can enthusiastically talk up Toastmasters easily. I arrived at the hotel early Saturday morning, got my judge briefing and went to work. I was not going to be on until after all the kids had given their presentations. We wanted to have my spiel come before the winners were announced, so everybody would listen and no one would leave! Bribery always works, huh?!

I quickly became engrossed in the kids speeches. They were really amazing. These kids were  good! Each had won at their club and zone levels (similar to Toastmaster contests), so these kids were prepared and polished. They ranged in age from 9-16. There were eight girls and five boys, separated into one division for girls and one for the boys. The winners would receive a $1500 scholarship for college, a plaque, pride, yada yada.

Each young person had to speak for 4-5 minutes on the theme, “For Me, Optimism Is . . . . ”  They nailed it –  each youngster talked about significant things in their lives – family illness, sacrifice, death – or world issues, and how to stay optimistic and positive in challenging times. It was so hard to judge one better than another, because they were all winners in my book.

Then it was my turn. I was nervous and actually thought, “how can I possibly follow these amazingly bright, fluent youngsters?”

Well, I began with “Don’t Be Like Me” and wove that line throughout my 11 minute speech. (I went over – I always do. I Stutter!)  My message to the audience: I wasted a lot of time hiding and being ashamed of who I am because of stuttering. I didn’t want anyone else to do that. Whatever our “thing” is, (because we all have a “thing” we wish we could  wish away) we are all unique and talented beings that need to let our light shine. I told my stuttering story, how I let fear hold me back and how I knew I arrived at the place when I decided I didn’t want to do that any more. Then I launched into talking about how Toastmasters helped me become even better at the person I was always meant to be, and that we all need to tell our story.

I had notes, but barely used them. I found I was speaking from my authentic place, from my heart, and twice felt like I was going to choke up. But I was in control and my voice was strong and clear, and my stuttering was very natural. When I was done, I felt a strange feeling. My heart was fluttery and I felt warm inside – I felt like I had done right by telling this version of my story.

The audience applauded. Then I saw everyone rise to their feet and give me a standing ovation. I was overwhelmed in that moment. I felt embraced by the whole room – honestly, I felt embraced and held and awash with peace. It was a stunning moment.

Then I quickly re-joined the other judges and we went about our business of judging. When we had reached a decision, the competition chairperson joked that maybe we didn’t want to come in,that some parents attack the judges if their kid doesn’t win. But he said that if we could stick around afterwards, the contestants and parents would really like Toastmaster feedback as to what their kids could work on for next time. I liked that: next time. Because win or not, each of these kids were going to have a whole lot of  “next times”  in their lives.

The winners were announced, photos were taken, and we Toastmasters were formally thanked. Then it was like a receiving line. Kids and parents came up to us, thanked us, and asked for feedback. My Toastmaster buddy said to me, “Pam, they’re all going to want to talk to you. Your speech was amazing.”

People didn’t really want to talk to me – people came and hugged me. They said thanks for sharing. One woman had tears in her eyes and said. “Your story is my story. Our story. Don’t be like me? We should all be like you!” I cried then.

What a special day. We definitely have to seize those moments. There is a reason for everything.

Has anyone ever had a similiar moving experience? I swear, I still have goosebumps, and still feel the warm embrace of that room.

This past Tuesday ranks right up there in my list of top things I never thought I would do. But it also tops the list for being most special.

I had the opportunity, privilege, thrill to visit a middle school and talk to students as part of National Stuttering Awareness week. I had wanted to do this again, as I first had the idea in October and met with 330 kids in my school’s district in October, for International Stuttering Awareness Day. That day went went very well too, as the school embraced the whole theme. Because October is Disability Awareness Month, it fit nicely, and the school devoted a whole hallway to famous people who stutter and what stuttering is all about.

This day was even more special, because there were three kids in the school who stutter, one of whom has been getting teased and picked on by peers. My plan was to educate about stuttering, put it in the context of being a difference, and then work into teasing and bullying prevention. I met the kids who stutter before Tuesday’s presentation, so they could meet me and know what to expect. One of them told me he gets picked on and teased by kids in his class. I wasn’t sure if he/they would want to participate in the program.

I was wrong about that. They volunteered for everything. The one with the more severe stutter actually volunteered to do the “Coolest Stutter” in front of his whole class, which was a major risk for him, but he was beaming, especially when I gave him an award for doing it.

I told my personal story of stuttering to these kids, and I am not exaggerating by saying they sat in rapt attention. I had grabbed them immediately by stuttering openly right away. They had never heard an adult stutter while doing a talk. It was pretty cool.

We had reporters and photographers from two local newspapers. The kids in the school felt so special. Its awesome when we can spotlight kids and school for good things. And the principal was beyond awesome. She really embraced this and welcomed me with open arms. I met the superintendent, who also thought it was a wonderful thing to do. I don’t think most of the staff had ever interacted with an adult who stutters openly.

So, there was a nice newspaper article written up about this, and a video clip made and posted to the newspaper’s on-line site. The links are only good for two weeks, so won’t link them here. What I will do is list some of the awesome questions some of the kids asked me throughout presentation, and my attempts at answering them honestly.

“Have you ever been made fun of by an adult? ” I told them a few stories of when I’ve tripped over words while at a store and the clerk mimicked me.

“Is it worse to be copied or teased?” I said I don’t like either, but copied is hard. My face usually turns red.

“What do you say when someone teases you?” This was hard, because sometimes I am stunned or embarrassed, so I told the kids that, to be very honest.  I added that one time I said to someone, “you don’t stutter as good as me.”

“Is it hard to stutter with your students at school?” I said sometimes, but I try to be honest, and let people know I am comfortable with it by my actions.

“Does Tiger Woods really stutter?” I said he did when he was a kid.

“You squeeze your eyes sometimes when you stutter. Does everyone who stutters do that?” This was really good question from a very observant young person. It caught me off guard. I said, no not everyone does that, I think I do that to try to push the sound out.

I did five 42 minute presentations to grades 5-8 at a middle school in my community. I made a difference, using my stuttering, something I was always so afraid of and embarrassed about. Now I am using my experience to help others, maybe just one, develop more tolerance and respect for differences. I feel I truly made a difference.

But wait – the best part. When I was packing up to leave, a kid came out in the hall and asked me for my autograph. I couldn’t believe it. I asked him, “are you  serious?”. He said. “yes, Miss”. He had a piece of lined paper and a pencil. I signed and printed my name with a tear in my eye. He said, “thanks Miss, we are glad you came to our school.”

It was a good stuttering day!

I sure didn’t used to see humor in my stuttering or getting made fun of. But I guess as you get older, you see things differently, or should anyway. Otherwise, how do we de-mystify it for kids coming up behind us and impart to them that they shouldn’t take things too personally? It’s hard, but usually when I step away from the moment, its not all that bad.

So, I am going to see what humor can be found in these recent little blips on the radar.

I like to play lottery numbers. That is probably my worst vice these days. I spend a couple of bucks on a daily number and usually play the big jackpot games too. Hey, you gotta be in it to win it. I play numbers at the same store a few times a week. When I went in there recently, I  told the clerk what I wanted like I always do. The number was 992 – it came out n-n-n-nine-nine-two. The clerk laughed and repeated it back just like that, asking me if I was sure I wanted six numbers in a three number game. I got embarrassed, felt my face get red, and tried to repeat it. I stuttered again on the same sound. He laughed and mimicked me again.  Aaargh! So the humor in this was . . . . .  I should have told him I was bucking for three times the prize if I won!

When I went to the deli to order some american cheese, I blocked on the “A” and it came out like “ah-ah-ah-ah”- couldn’t get the word american out. The guy knew what I wanted – I get the same thing every week. 

Sometimes I say the brand first, to ease the words out. I didn’t this time, and he made me pay. He made some dumb comment like “Who ever heard of someone not being able to say what they want? Just for that, you will have to buy the chicken wings that are on sale tonight.” I was astonished that this guy actually said that. But, I have since shared this story with people who stutter and people who don’t, and the general reaction: people have burst out laughing. I guess its so hard to believe that someone said it, that its actually funny. So, now its my chicken wing story!

When I drove my partner’s car over to my mom’s house on Mother’s Day, her neighbors were walking in their house just as I drove up. My mom’s husband has a very similar car. Neighbor says, “whoa, you trying to compete with Paul? Where did you get the ride?”  I started to say, “Its my hus-hus-hus-husband’s car”. The guy busts out laughing, and says “How many husbands do you have? Tell us. We won’t tell.” I was embarrassed and just said Happy Mother’s Day. I should have said ” I have four husbands – do you want to take a number?”

Easier said than done – yes. But you can’t take this stuff too seriously. Its not worth it. We have to have a thick skin if we want kids and teens to stand up for themselves and not let little stuff get to them.

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff!  Happy Stuttering Awareness Week!

I remember watching the movie “Crash”. I could identify with all the different things that unwittingly came together at the same time. Good movies have a way of sucking you in like that. Several things happen innocently in the background, but are poised to crash and get your attention. Life is like that. Things can happen and feel like a 10 car pile-up.

I have had times like that in my life. Who hasn’t? It’s what you do after the crash that counts. I recently experienced a crash and was put to a test.  My car died at a very inconvenient time. (Is it ever convenient?) I was on my way to an important appointment. I was going to find out the cause behind a nagging medical issue I have been grappling with and admittedly putting off, hoping it would just go away.

Why do we do that? They usually don’t just go away on their own.  To top this off, my partner was having issues too. He had another surgery coming up, dialysis was causing numbness in his arm and hand, and he was taking his frustration and anger out on me.

I called the Road Service plan. Stuttering crashed the party! When the operator came on to take my service call and ID number, I blocked and could not get my name out. That almost never happens. It may have been the stress exasperating my stuttering. It was at that very moment I felt the crash. The operator lost patience and hung up on me. How humiliating!

Before I was able to take a deep breath and call back, the dam burst and I lost it.  I hate to lose control. I started to cry, right there in the parking lot with my car grinning up at me. I crashed emotionally, in slow motion. My heart started pounding, I felt dizzy and I was not just weeping, but doing the whole “full blown, choking, gulping, gasping” kind of crying. I could not catch my breath, and felt pitifully vulnerable. I leaned against the car and just let go. It was going to have to run its course. I just hoped no one would see me like this.

Not meant to be. The maintenance guy came out of nowhere and stopped to see if I needed help. I pulled myself together enough (sort of) to tell him what happened. He said the Auto teacher was in the garage helping a student.  He called him to look at my car. He told me if I bought the parts and a tire, they would be able to fix it.  It would be a lot cheaper, and I wouldn’t need a tow service.  Suddenly, I was calmer and my breathing was back to normal. While I talked to these guys, I was stuttering, but they didn’t seem to care. Funny thing, neither did I.

I pulled my phone out, called my doctor’s office, and told them I was running late. They said they would wait.  A friend came and got me, and I made it to the appointment. Nothing life threatening – annoying, but fully treatable!

Parties are crashed. Cars crash. Sometimes people do, too. The key is moving on. I passed the test. I survived.

Today is my nephew Nicholas’ 10th Birthday. Happy Birthday Nicky!

Yesterday I went into the sacred space with my trusted mentor J, and we talked. Really talked. Its amazing how intimate we can get with each other when both of us are present and recognizing this truly sacred space. I refer to this as  sacred space because we agree to be honest, no matter what, and non-judgemental. We are free to be our authentic selves.

And we talk about life, and all of its kindnesses, and things not so kind. This is one place where I feel no pressure. There is no pressure to control my emotions, and there is no pressure to control my stuttering. I am just present and he is too, and we let things in, and feel the beauty of sharing.

Sometimes when I stutter, I notice that J watches me with a hint of a smile. Like he is happy for me. We have talked about that, and he acknowledges that yes, indeed, he is happy that I allow all of me to be present with him. And he does like wise.

When our good friend Jean died, we both made a commitment that we would honor her by continuing our journey together, helping  to unearth demons and make friends with them in some way. We both approach our time together from this perspective, and we both leave the sacred space better for having been there.

Yesterday we talked about hurt and anger, two emotions that I have always been afraid of . I am afraid of getting angry – it goes back to the childhood demons. Mostly,  my father’s anger and shame when I stuttered. I did not want to ever get angry like that. So I hold it in, and sometimes turn it inward. But I have been very angry with someone and afraid of expressing that.

J agreed to hold my anger in his heart for me for a few days until I am ready for it. Which I will be. Because we become stronger people when we can confront what life throws us, and do it in a respectful and honest way.

So, having a sacred space is an honor. Someone cares enough about me to hold my anger until I am ready to invite it in. Like I have invited stuttering in. And my other complex parts that make me who I am. (I have talked about spirituality before on this blog.)

Does anyone else share this experience? Do you have someone where you can say absolutely anything and know that it will be respected and honored? It truly is sacred work we humans do with each other.

I had the chance to do some follow-up with Adam about our gentle disagreement that we had about whether I should consider myself a stutterer since I don’t stutter as “nasty” as him.  That’s one of the great things about stuttering – we all stutter so differently that it is really a unique situation for each of us. And, emotions – forget it, they run deep. Of course, that’s not news, but the intensity of the “credibility” issue was for me. It kind of caught me off guard.

Jamie had posted a comment on my Facebook page calling me a “Stuttering Diva” since I’ve been so open and posted some Youtube videos. Adam’s response was that I should be called “Fluent Diva” since, in his opinion, I don’t stutter. He said that he had watched one of my videos and thought I was really fluent. Based on that, he said that I shouldn’t consider myself to be a stutterer, especially since I can’t compare to his “nasty stuttering”. 

So I responded to Adam, gently reminding him that every body’s stuttering is unique and situational, and that we shouldn’t generalize the stuttering experience based just on our own. I felt defensive, but I think I was pretty positive and upbeat in my comment to Adam.

Lucky for us, Adam responded and we corresponded about this. I asked him if it would be OK to quote him on my blog, and he gave his permission. So, thanks again, Adam, for bringing this whole fascinating phenomena to light (to me, anyway – I am sure its been discussed zillions of times).

There shouldn’t be competition between covert and overt stuttering, or mild and severe stuttering. We all stutter, period. And differently. (Interestingly,  episode #111 of Stuttertalk’s podcast, featuring Jamie, talks about some of these very same issues here).

So anyway, here’s what Adam had to say.

“I hope I didn’t sound too harsh. Sometimes when I get angry and extremely frustrated with my own stuttering, which is a daily event, I get awfully mad at myself, and I have no one to take it out on. So I often take out my anger and frustration with my horrid stuttering on people who I wouldn’t normally say mean things to. It’s hard having no one to vent my anger and frustrations with.

I probably would feel so much better and happy if there was a NSA support group in my area, but alas there’s not.  I would never intentionally make others upset–I’m just reacting to my own stuttering.

And if people have good or bad days where they are more fluent than others, in all honesty, I don’t remember the last time I have had a day where I stuttered less than others. I wish I could say there have been days where the words flow better than others–but I really don’t remember the last time I have had a day like that.

But–whether your stuttering varies from day to day or not–I wish you all the best in stuttering! God, what I wouldn’t give to live with lots of stutterers!! In a world where we were not mocked, and had fun. Like a utopia- a perfect world! But darn it- there is not a  NSA chapter close to me. I’m desperate to get some companionship with others that stutter. Strength in numbers always wins!”

I let Adam know that there is a NSA self help group closer to his area than he thought, and he said it was still too far away. I suggested he consider starting one of his own. I offered to help him. I also offered to talk on the phone or skype with Adam whenever he wanted. Adam declined, saying that he has to expend way too much energy and still can’t say what he wants,  and no one would understand his “nasty” stuttering anyway. I gently encouraged him to re-think that, because we stutterers have patience and that we would both benefit. He said patience didn’t matter, he is a long way from being ready for a phone conversation.

This whole scenario really touched me. Adam’s concerns deeply resonated with me. I was reminded that there is so much more to do, and that we have to build our community, one person at a time, so that we all feel comfortable in our own skin and communicating our own way. I Do Me!

Adam – You Rock! Know that the world loves you just the way you are!

So I have pretty much decided that I am not going to participate in stuttering therapy this summer. It will be the first time in three years.  I am going through a little bit of  early-mourning already, because I really like hanging out with people who stutter, and I like to talk about stuttering. We have group and individual therapy with a graduate student. I will miss the group the most.

I realize that I don’t want to fix my stuttering. So maybe attending a group called “Fluency Council”  is not quite right for me now.

When I discussed this with good friend, and SLP extraordinaire, Joe, who stutters, he suggested that maybe I have “transcended” therapy. That maybe I have got all I can get as a client participating in fluency shaping and stuttering modification. I don’t want to shape my fluency or modify my stuttering.  I really just want to be me, in all of my stuttering glory. And I think that’s OK right now.

But with this realization comes knowing I will seriously miss what has become a Monday night staple in my life. You learn so much by interacting with others who stutter, even when I just listen, or when we seriously disagree. I have voiced my disagreement when fellow people who stutter have talked about fluency being critical, and have challenged people who have said they feel they have failed when they don’t practice their fluency targets enough. I now know why I get so riled up when I voice my disagreement or strong opinion. I have very strong feelings about “who I am being equated with fluency.”

Because I am not looking for fluency. That is not the end-all in my life. I don’t want to be fixed. So if  I am not striving for fluency, then maybe I shouldn’t go to fluency council anymore.  Or maybe I just need time off. Or maybe I am just confused. What do you think?

I am also going to seriously miss co-leading Parent group. I was sort of surprised when told I wouldn’t be needed next semester to help lead the group. I loved sharing my experiences with stuttering – all of it – good and bad – with parents. I loved feeling that I was making an impact. Making stuttering less awful for parents of kids who stutter. I got a lot of positive feedback from parents. I saw value and purpose in my stuttering experience. I think I will mourn this too. Because there is value in what we bring to the table.

If I am all wet here, feel free to let me know. I can take it. 

Also, feel free to tell me that I Rock! All of us are Stutter Rock Stars!

The Wonderment of Life

Most of us begin our days with a continuous list of things we need to do to keep our lives running smoothly, but we rarely take time to note all the things we don’t need to do. For example, we don’t need to figure out how to breathe. We don’t need to find a way to make sure the earth continues to revolve around the sun. We don’t need to concentrate to ensure that our heart beats and our cells regenerate. All of these things, and many more, take care of themselves without our having to think or do anything at all. This is the miracle of life on earth.

 Beyond the wonder of the natural world, we have the wonder of human-created conditions such as indoor plumbing, electricity, automobiles, airplanes, telephones, and the Internet to name a few. Someone living just a hundred years ago would be overwhelmed by the ease with which we can communicate with people all over the world. Every day, millions of us jump on airplanes and fly to distant locations in a matter of hours. If we have access to a computer, we can read obscure information about any subject, free of charge, at any time of the day or night. And yet, it’s only when one of these miraculous inventions fails that we notice it at all.

When you wake up tomorrow, take time to notice how many things are running smoothly, how many small miracles compose your day. If you wear glasses or contact lenses, as you put them on, take a moment to appreciate the fact that without them, you would be unable to see. Your life would be entirely different if someone hadn’t invented corrective lenses. As you take in your world, you might feel a moment of gratitude for the basic fact that, once again, the sun has risen to illuminate the abundant earth, and the earth’s gravitational field holds you and all that you hold dear in a tight, life-affirming embrace. (Anonymous)

This piece was emailed to me last night by a very special person – Shaundrika!  Thank you. I found it so powerful that I felt compelled to share it and expound on it just a little.

Shaundrika worked with me as a graduate SLP student about two years ago. She touched my life. She and I fashioned some goals for stuttering therapy, but what emerged was the very essence of therapeutic relationship. I was extremely resistant to fluency shaping targets. That became apparent right away. Instead of insisting that I conform, she helped me to look into the windows of my soul and find what really matters (to me).

 This was no ordinary SLP-client relationship. We walked the journey of self-discovery together.

 She was not afraid of stuttering and was not afraid of me, even though at times I was afraid of both. Our relationship epitomized what should occur between two people in any relationship: give and take, authenticity, risk taking and respect.

I learned about who I am as a person who happens to stutter and I believe that Shaundrika learned about the stuttering core.

It is not what is uttered, or heard or seen. It is what is not heard, what is felt and what matters. It is what is inside the stutterers heart and soul. When two people walk that journey together, no matter how short the time spent, the end result can’t be taken for granted.

It is special. It is important. It is life affirming. It transcends the therapy room. It is the power of stuttering.

A couple of interesting things happened yesterday. A student stopped by my office, and wanted to use a computer during class time. I suspected  he was just making an excuse to get out of class. He insisted his teacher said it was OK for him to come to the Career Center. Teachers know that I prefer to be called first, namely to make sure I am there.

So, I called the teacher and began to explain that there was a student wanting to use the “com -com -com”. It was not coming out – I  blocked on the word. In the outer office, the student shouts “computer, computer”. Another teacher overheard this, and she came up to him, and said, “Don’t be rude to her.” Student says, “Well she didn’t know how to say the word.  Teacher says, “Of course she knows how to say the word. Don’t be so rude to her.”

Teacher on the phone heard all of this and apologized for sending the kid down in the first place. I suggested a time when student could legitimately come. Teacher who “helped me out” then came in and asked if I wanted to “do anything” about the kid who was so rude. I said no – wasn’t that big of a deal, and lets just drop it. I felt my face flush when we had this conversation.

My feelings about being “rescued” by the teacher are mixed – yes, its good that she stuck up for me and attempted to correct the student. The student was incredibly rude. He was shouting really loud. But I don’t want to be known as the one who needs other people to intervene. If she hadn’t done that, I probably would have said something to the student myself anyway.

What do others think about this?

The other thing is this. I gave a speech last night at an Advanced Toastmasters Club. The goal was to promote Toastmasters to others supposedly not knowing about Toastmasters, and use examples to promote goodwill.

Well, I didn’t do well coming out of the gate. I messed up the punchline of the joke/quote I  used for the opening line. It was very obvious – everyone knew it. I just sucked in my breath, stated the wrong assumption, and went on. I was braced for a tough critique. That is the purpose of this advanced club – to get honest, “hold nothing back” feedback so we can improve. I was not a regular at this club, but still expected to give and get this type of round robin feedback.

A couple regulars mentioned minor things- need to smile more, need to walk around more. But one guest, who had never heard me speak, used  words like “amazing”, “compelling”, “incredible”. He said “You messed up so bad at the beginning that I just knew it was going to be terrible . But you recovered and used the real-time example of tension so well, and that propelled you into one of the most powerful speeches I have ever heard. And when you mentioned you stutter, it made it all the more inspiring. When you said that, I was listening more for it and I picked up on stuttering. Wow, amazing.”

The other guest said something similar – that I have presence and people listen to what I have to say. He said he felt very lucky to have been there last night.

Wow!  Huh?  Went from one extreme to another in one day, and went to bed feeling pretty damn good about stuttering.

Today is May 4, 2009. Three years ago on this day, my life was irrevocably changed. I was fired at 10:36am from my job of 21 years. Because of stuttering publicly.

The day was a Thursday. I had just returned from 3 days off, where I had moved into a new apartment. Not having a clue my life was about to change, both emotionally and financially, I had purchased a new dining room set and living room coffee table. I had taken an extra day off to get all this delivered.

When I went into work, the managers let me go through the morning routine. I hosted a welcome breakfast and attend a managers meeting. When that was over, my boss asked me to go up to the Directors office. When got up there, I saw the HR Manager waiting in the room and knew something was up. When I went in, the Director told me I was being terminated and had to  leave that day. My manager sat in the background, looking at the floor. The official reason was “not meeting performance expectations”  and “ineffective communication.” (This after 21 years – new boss, convinced Director and Corporate to go along with them, short version.)

I was escorted to my office, not given a chance to talk to anyone on my way down. Security and the IT guy were there, and maintenance was called to help me get some of my pictures off the wall. I had a lot of stuff- 20+ years worth, and I was not going to leave a thing there. They said they would pack everything and deliver it to me. I didn’t want anyone going through my things.

The whole thing was surreal. My stuff was put in a shopping cart and rolled down the hall. It was lunch time, and students were milling about. They weren’t allowed to come and talk to me. Some staff came by, and saw what was happening. I  felt  like a criminal. One of the maintenance guys was unscrewing my name plate from the door while I was standing there with tears of grief streaming down my face.

Someone  said, “This didn’t have anything to do with your stuttering, did it? You should sue.” I was shocked someone would say that, because I thought my covert self had kept my secret a secret. Guess not.

I didn’t know what to do the next day, and the days after that. No one called me, I was grieving and depressed. I felt abandoned and isolated. But a little part inside me was saying, “this is it – you have to deal with this, you cannot hide your stuttering anymore.”  I had been looking for a way, and the way found me. 

Like a tsunami, feelings crashed together and washed over me –  fear, anger, shock, bewilderment, confusion – but I knew what I was going to do. Not suddenly, like overnight, but in the days and weeks to come.  I saw a therapist, a lawyer, found self-help, got a referral to speech therapy and joined Toastmasters, all at the same time, it seemed. I also was unemployed for 4 months, and sat outside by the pool in my new apartment complex, and cried, and swam, and read, and got a tan for the first time ever in my life.

My life changed that day forever, and so did the life of everybody around me.  I decided to take a stand and not go away quietly. I filed a complaint with the Human Rights Commission in my state, sought ADA advice, and filed a right to sue notice. After two years of not backing down, my former employer agreed to a minor settlement.

The money was not important (though it helped!) What was important that I was getting my life in order. Settling was a small victory, because I was ready to move on with my life and look ahead.

I wound up going on several interviews and openly disclosed that I stutter during those interviews. It was scary. Some people never called me back. It may or may not have been because of the stuttering. I took a part-time job in a place that felt right. On the second day, I asked my manager if I could talk to him. I planned to discuss my stuttering for a minute and get it out in the open. He started asking questions and that minute turned into an hour.

That part-time job soon turned full time. I was comfortable stuttering freely. People told me they admired my willingness to put myself out there. I found something else I was interested in. During the interview, they said they needed someone who was comfortable doing presentations. I said I had a lot of experience. They asked me on what topic. I said stuttering. They said I would hear back if I was to be invited back for a second interview. I was, and offered the job. I have been stuttering openly at work around colleagues and high school students ever since.

My life changed that day. I was re-born in many ways.  Happy Birthday To Me! Happy Birthday, Stuttering! I am so glad I found you.

Guess what? One of my sisters who I haven’t really talked to in a long time came by on Saturday. We both happened to need something from each other. Not unusual for sisters. But unusual for us, because we never really talk about tough stuff. We shared too much painful history, and its always been easier to ignore the stuff that we grew up with. But we’re both working on it, in our own way.

Anyway, as we were helping each other out, we were chatting, somewhat cautiously at first, then a bit more comfortably. We needed to warm up to the fact that we were actually talking about something more than just the weather.

Out of the blue, she mentioned that she hopes I don’t mind, but she tells clients she works with that I am a good example of someone who has overcome a challenge. (She is a MSW Addictions Counselor).  She said she sometimes uses my story of dealing with my stuttering, finally, after so many years of not dealing with it. I was kind of stunned, because she and I have never talked about stuttering. She said she told “my story” to one of her chemically dependent clients who was talking about his fears of public speaking.

She told me that she told him that ” my sister has done stuff to deal with her fears.”  When he asked, she told him I talk about stuttering now to whoever will listen, I don’t back down, that I’ve been on TV and that I joined Toastmasters.  She said, “I tell people its really cool that you’ve been on TV.”

She asked me if I was alright, because I was just looking at her, stunned, shaking my head. We have never talked about stuttering. I didn’t even know she really knew about stuff I’ve been up to. She has been keeping up with me on the sly!  It made me feel really good to hear her acknowledge  how I have dealt with stuttering to other people.  I am so glad she told me.

We then talked about a couple of other things, and she started telling me how she really misses her son and grand-daughter, who moved out of her home recently. She said she has a “hole in her heart”. We hugged, which we haven’t done in a long time. Here’s hoping we can talk to each other more and patch up that hole.

Have any of you that stutter ever had a similar surprising revelation? How did it make you feel? Is it easy or hard to talk about stuttering with family members?

Prologue:  I wrote this a couple of months ago, after this profound discussion with my trusted friend. Even though it doesn’t have anything specifically to do with stuttering, it is something that happened in my life, and I am grateful to be here to be able to share it with others. It matters. We matter.

I was honest with a friend. I told him I feel like I am buried under fresh earth, and I am breathing through a straw. Not breathing really, but gasping for air.

I shared that thought with a good friend, and he had the courage to bring up the issue of suicide with me and we talked about it, really talked about it. It was liberating to freely talk about my darkest thoughts, and speak openly with another human being instead of dancing around the issue that we both know needed to come out.

When I first realized that’s where he was going with the conversation, my eyes welled up and I was caught off guard, momentarily speechless. But then I thought, “Wow, he cares and has that much respect for me to take such a huge risk and plunge right into this.” We began to engage in healthy dialogue about a taboo subject, one that I had thought I could only think about.

I have never imagined talking about suicide openly, but have thought about it a lot, since I have been so depressed and sad lately. I feel trapped in an unhealthy relationship, and find myself only going through the motions, not really living, gliding on the wings of fear and guilt. Being unable to forgive my father, having him haunt me, always there, on my shoulder. And waiting for my partner to die.

My friend knows that I want, need, my pain and sadness to end. He sees me so sad and hopeless, and wonders where my anger is, why I have turned my anger inwards to guilt and sadness. He challenged me to show anger, to stand up to the man who we both know is snuffing the very soul out of me. He asked me to consider “do you really see murdering yourself as a way to end the suffering and pain?” I froze, had no ready answer, just stared at him, with tears running down my face, as I heard someone I care about, and who cares about me, put it so bluntly. To hear the words spoken jolted my thoughts.

He then further challenged me to think about what I really want for the pain and hurt to end, to stop, to go away. Killing myself won’t be the answer. Why? Because I will just be dead. I will not get to feel the relief from the pain and hurt that consumes me, the relief that I am looking for. If I don’t feel the relief, suicide then does not serve the purpose that most people believe it to; that I have believed it might serve.

I had been selfishly thinking that suicide would give me that end that I so want and need. My good friend helped me see, really see, that is not what I want. He was courageous enough to engage with me in this kind of robust dialogue that most people are too afraid to have.

After a half hour of really opening up, and sharing with him how I honestly felt and how I thought I might kill myself (the ways I had considered), I felt better. I could see and hear and sense that he genuinely was saddened that my situation had brought me to this dark place, and that I felt I had no other recourse. He provided me with recourse. Talking about such a feared issue made it real, and opened my eyes to the healing power of courageous frank talk with a fellow traveler on the journey of life.

I had reflected on suicide but never dared to talk about it openly, until this friend dared me to put my thoughts into words in a safe, non-judgmental environment. It is OK to reflect on the darkest, innermost thoughts we all may have from time to time. What a true gift my friend gave me that day daring to have a tough conversation that may have just saved my life.