Make Room For The Stuttering

I recently returned from another life changing NSA conference. This experience was especially poignant for me as I had not planned to go due to all of the challenges I am up against. I describe myself these days as being “medically and financially precarious.” My community helped me get there and I am grateful.

I always learn so much about myself when I am with my tribe and can take in all of the warmth and richness of the stuttering community. This year I learned that I am definitely becoming more introverted than ever. I’ve always leaned towards being an introvert, due to both being a stutterer and living a relatively isolated life for so long.

I love being with my stuttering community, but I found this year that I needed more alone time and that I was anxious in common areas with big crowds. I don’t recall this being as acute as it seemed to be this year. Several times, I found myself at a table full of friends over dinner with no desire to say anything.

I recall a friend sitting across from me asking more than once if I was OK and what was I thinking about. He tried to draw me into conversation. I think I sent off signals that I wasn’t having it! I guess it may have appeared I was lost in thought or daydreaming. I think it was actually being acutely aware of how uncomfortable I felt, and not understanding why.

Like I said, I love being with my community and giving as much of myself as I can. But I found I needed lots of “breaks.” Alone time, non-talking time, thinking and reflecting time. I went to my room early on several nights and then criticized myself for doing that.

Maybe it’s a product of aging. Maybe it’s a product of stuttering. Maybe it’s just a preference for quiet. In a couple of places, the music was so loud, people were shouting to be heard. I don’t enjoy that anymore. I actually don’t know if I ever did.

Has anyone else discovered a new desire for more alone time? Does it get in the way of doing all that you want to do?