Make Room For The Stuttering

I have heard people say and do all kinds of  things when it comes to stuttering. Some rude, some quasi-helpful, some just plain ignorant. I have seen people roll their eyes or look away or down.  I have seen people not only look the other way, but walk the other way, too, as in leave. I have seen and heard people laugh, giggle, sigh, point, mimic, mock or attempt to fill in words. And I have heard people say things they think will help, like, “slow down, take your time,  or take a deep breath.” I have also heard people say, “are you OK?”, “whats the matter – cat got your tongue?”, “spit it out”, “did you forget your name (or where you work)?”, or “talk much?”

The ones I got the most were: eye rolling (a boss), “talk much?” (peers), and “look aways”. Most of us who stutter have probably heard or seen some of these things at one point or another. And been annoyed, hurt, confused, or amused.

But here’s one that I have not heard before.  A friend was telling me that a good friend of hers asked about her more recent overt stuttering, after years of being extremely covert. After all the careful covering, word switching, making excuses and avoidance, my friend has been working on acceptance and letting her self stutter naturally and freely. In other words, she has been true to her self, fully and wholly. She has acknowledged that she literally feels free and lighter when she does not have to work so hard to hide her stutter.

So she was very hurt when her friend commented: “If you were able to hide your stuttering so well for all those years, why are you doing it now? If you can hide it, you should.” (Or something close to that). The friend then remarked that she thought the person who stutters, who is now stuttering naturally, is just doing it to “get attention”.

Why would someone think that one would choose to stutter just to get attention? Would one choose to have cancer or be deaf, just to get attention? One certainly does get some attention when it is found out that a person is sick or maybe even dying of cancer, or is deaf and wears a hearing device.  Would one choose that kind of attention anyway?

This comment by my friend’s friend (if she can really be called a friend after saying that) really bothered me. It seems that the friend thinks the stuttering, and especially stuttering just to get attention, is bad or shameful, deserving of being hidden.

There is nothing bad about stuttering. It is a part of us, just as our skin and eye color is a part of us. If our brain is wired in such a way, then ” it is what it is “. Trying to be covert and hide something that is part of our neurological make-up can only last so long. Or too long!

My covert stuttering lasted for more than 30 years. Or so I thought. As it turns out, when I thought I was hiding stuttering, I really wasn’t. People still knew. What I kept really hidden was acknowledgment of the stuttering and my feelings about it. Once I stopped trying so hard not to stutter, it was like a volcano erupted. All the stuttering and blocking and secondary behaviors show up now, some very consistently, some only sporadically. Even if I wanted to, I don’t think I could attempt to try and be covert anymore.

I wonder if that is how my friend felt when her friend suggested that she should go back to covering up the stuttering. Like she said, if you can, you should. BUT, it’s not that easy. People who don’t stutter need to walk in our shoes for a day and see what it is really like. That’s why SLP students have such a hard time with pseudo-stuttering assignments. To stutter is uncomfortable, frustrating, annoying, weird, unnatural, and scary. Try doing that every day, and you will see people who stutter don’t just do it to get attention.

What do you think? If you can hide stuttering, should you? If I can be fluent sometimes, shouldn’t I strive to be fluent all of the time?

A few of the blogs I follow and the stuttering community on Face book recently mentioned the episode of “Glee” about a character who stutters. It is a new TV show that started this season about a high school glee club. The members of the glee club are so different, its amazing that collectively they are able to produce beautiful harmony and music together. But that is what makes diversity so important, right?

I tuned in to the series midway, and watched the episode where the character who stuttered revealed that she had actually been faking it for several years so that she could get out of having to do an oral presentation in class. I never expected that. (Of course, having missed the previous episodes, I had no idea what build up, if any, had been given to the stuttering story line). The character in the wheelchair obviously never expected either that she would reveal that she had pretended to stutter. He had thought they were kindred spirits, both sharing a difference. It gave them something special in common, he thought.

I thought about this issue of faking it. I didn’t like that stuttering was portrayed this way in the show. I would have preferred that she really stuttered, so that we could have a popular television show include a positive portrayal of stuttering. I watched the show this week, and heard the character sing. She was remarkable, and it would have been great to have that story line play out, as many people who stutter can sing beautifully without stuttering. Interestingly, no mention was made at all about her having revealed her fake stuttering.

This character obviously used voluntary stuttering to make it seem she really stuttered. Hers was very mild. I have used voluntary stuttering to advertise my stuttering, and as a desensitization tool. So, this is another way to use voluntary stuttering.

As I reflected more on “faking it”, I realized that I was doing the exact same thing for many years with my covert stuttering. I was trying to fake being fluent, so that I could pass myself off as something I was not. Even now, I still find myself faking it sometimes. Meaning that in some situations, I will not disclose that I stutter. Especially if I am having a very fluent day, or more importantly, it is a situation where I feel I will be judged negatively if I let the “stuttering me” out. Wait a minute! Is that the same thing? Is that faking it, or is it just me managing my stuttering so I will be comfortable in certain situations?

What do you think? Have you ever heard of anyone faking a stutter to get out of doing an oral presentation? How does that make you feel, if you really do stutter?”

Today is Thanksgiving, an American holiday where people stop their busy lives and gather with friends and family to reflect on all of the blessings in our lives. Most Thanksgiving celebrations focus on some kind of food feast, that is shared together. The typical American Thanksgiving meal features a turkey as the main attraction, with an assortment of side dishes and desserts. It is most often a day when people over eat and wind up falling asleep after the huge meal.

Also very American about the Thanksgiving holiday is football. The holiday has morphed into an all day football frenzy, with professional football games starting at 12:30pm and lasting almost till midnight. Just in time for people to get some sleep, before they go shopping on what is America’s biggest shopping day of the year. The day after Thanksgiving is known as Black Friday, and millions of bleary-eyed and sleepy people line up in stores and battle each other to find the best discounts on toys and electronics.

It may very well be “Bleak Black Friday” for the many, many people who are unemployed this holiday season, and who are struggling to remember the blessings in their lives. A lot of people may not feel they have very much to be thankful for. It can be hard to realize the good things in our lives when faced with so many overwhelming challenges.

So for today’s post, I want to simply list the things I am thankful for, and the good things in my life, even at a time of deep personal transition.

• my health
• family – especially my sisters who I am finally getting close with
• good friends who love me unconditionally
• liking myself as I am
• a job that I am good at and like
• my ability to communicate well
• things I enjoy – writing, reading, poetry, art, music, connecting with people
• that I can use my talents to help others
• that I have come to realize that stuttering makes me unique and special
• all the great people I have met because of stuttering
• that all people are innately good – we just have to be more patient with some people
• living in a country that values freedom and my ability to freely express myself
• traveling to different parts of the country because of stuttering
• a diverse world that gets smaller every day
• that I am an emotional and sensitive person and can let others see that
• finding joy in simple things

What are you thankful for? Please share here . . . . . . a word, five words, a sentence, a paragraph, whatever . . . . . . .

I had a very moving experience last week with one of the SLP students I have worked with over the last several months. She had the courage to confront me on why I was so resistant to speech tools that might be helpful in tense stuttering moments. I have been working so much on acceptance and letting my stuttering out. I worry that if I use speech tools, they might make me covert again. I really do think that fluency shaping techniques cover up the stuttering and that conflicts right now with my desire to be true to my stuttering self.  I don’t want to be held hostage to covert behaviors anymore. So I was unwilling to let any ideas in about possible strategies that I might choose to use sometimes when I am really stuck in a good block.

The student said something very simple: “Pam, at some point in our life, we all have to realize we are changing and we must allow our self to do that. ” She then asked me to read a book that her Aunt had shared with her about the change process, and how we need to give ourselves permission to change, and also allow ourselves to stay open to change.

Well, I took the book and read and finished it as soon as I got home that night from our meeting. I also read several parts of the book over and over again. I decided to make a quick video to talk about how this affected me, and how much I appreciated someone being genuine enough to confront me about such a tough issue. Change is a process and we have to be open to it all throughout our lives. It is what helps us become who we will Be.

What do you think? Why is change so hard? Are some things harder for us to change than others?

Lisa and I had a poignant, emotional discussion the other night about what happens with the people around us when we change the way we stutter.

For example, when I first started stuttering more openly after years of trying to hide it, people closest to me were clearly impacted. They had been used to me one way, and now I was talking another way. My ex-partner had never heard me stutter openly, so he  didn’t get what I was doing. He never knew I stuttered, and it caused tension between us when I finally let my stuttering out.

Most recently, he commented that I must be stuttering like this because I hang around other people who stutter. He would also say, after overhearing me on the phone, things like, “No offense, but you sounded really awful. Are you OK?” Some of my family was uncomfortable too. They would get nervous-looking and avoid eye contact with me. One sister thought it was cool, though. She would say, “Finally, your being yourself.” Stuttering differently certainly brings various reactions from those around us.

Lisa wanted to talk about what has been going on with her pre-teen daughter, who had always been supportive and understanding of her mum’s stuttering. Lisa shared that her daughter would supply words for her when they ordered in restaurants, as a help for her mum. And the younger girl would as well. They really didn’t have any problem’s with mummy stuttering, because it was usually well hidden.

Well, as Lisa has been stuttering more overtly, the people around her have reacted. Her sister shared that she was so proud and inspired by Lisa’s choice to be “true to herself.” Her partner has been supportive and interested in learning more about stuttering.

Lisa’s pre-teen daughter has reacted a little differently. One day last week, Lisa reprimanded her daughter, and for the first time, daughter mimicked mum’s stuttering, saying “a-a-a-a-a-actually.’ Lisa was stunned and hurt, as her daughter had never done that. Lisa shared with me that her daughter realized she had hurt her mum’s feelings, as she voluntarily came back to mum and apologized. Still, the mimicking, and hurt, had happened.  Lisa has an amazingly close relationship with her daughter. That’s why she was so surprised and hurt when this happened. And it also explains why Lisa’s daughter knew instinctively she had hurt her mum and apologized right away.

Moreover, in the same week, Lisa learned that her daughter had not told her about a parent-teacher conference at the school. Lisa fears it was because her mum’s new open stuttering embarrasses her daughter.

We talked about it, and agreed that our changing stuttering affects those around us. Of course, it is going to. It’s almost like meeting a new person. Lisa asked what I thought. I do not have my own children, but I shared that I would have probably felt bad and hurt too I also reminded Lisa that something or another that their parents do or say embarrasses teenagers all over. It’s a universal part of the teenage angst process.

If it wasn’t Lisa’s stuttering, it would surely be something else. Not that it makes it any easier. We don’t like it when our feelings are hurt, especially by our loved ones. But it happens. Sometimes the people closest to us say mean and hurtful things. In Lisa’s case, I shared my opinion that she should continue to talk with her children about her stuttering, encourage them to ask questions and express their feelings. And keep communication open. We all have differences that we need to tolerate and respect.

Lisa still hasn’t told her mom about her stuttering secret. She had thought about asking her sister to do it for her, but thinks it best that she do this herself. When she finds the courage. Sometimes it is our closest family members that we have the hardest time with being open and honest.

This reminds me of when I was child. I always felt that I embarrassed my father. That is why he was so critical of me when I did stutter. That’s why I chose not to talk most of the time, so I wouldn’t stutter and be an embarrassment to my family. That was a heavy burden to carry around for a kid. I am glad the burden has got lighter recently.

What do you think? How would have responded to a similar situation? Have you ever felt you were an embarrassment to your family?

I never get tired of hearing about someone’s acceptance story, and how it can change lives forever. This one really needs sharing.

I received something in the mail yesterday from FRIENDS – the National Association of Young People Who Stutter. It was a letter from a parent who had attended her first FRIENDS conference this summer in Tampa. A grateful mom wrote this letter to Lee Caggiano, the co-founder and Director of FRIENDS. Lee saw the tremendous value in sharing this letter with the entire FRIENDS family. I hope that by sharing excerpts here on this blog, the message of hope and acceptance will reach even more people.

Mom wrote that before finding Lee Caggiano as a speech therapist for her 7 year old son,and subsequently attending their first FRIENDS conference, that the family home was full of avoidance,pain, attempts at quick fixes, and overwhelming fear. The parents never acknowledged their child’s stuttering. He knew something was wrong, for he saw people around him look away in discomfort when he spoke. But his parents could not, would not, confirm it for him, because they had always been told to avoid the word stuttering.

Mom found about Lee from a friend who also has a son who stutters. Mom says her “path of denial” (sound familiar) led her to a good speech therapist and Friends. Mom goes on to write:

“I will never forget the day my husband and I sat our child down and actually said to him: ‘ we know that you have been struggling with your stuttering and we are sorry. We don’t care if you stutter, but we never want you to struggle. We promise to help you with it.’  The look of relief in our son’s beautiful blue eyes will never leave my memory. Its as if a cloud lifted from all of us. You can feel the difference in our home. The dirty secret, that everyone knew, was out”.

Mom also enclosed a note from her mom, the child’s grandmother, who had also attended the 2009 FRIENDS conference. She writes:

“I can’t contain the tears that are still flowing after reading the letter you wrote about your experience at the FRIENDS conference. But my tears are very different than the ones before the convention. I used to cry when I heard my grandson struggling to get out the words he wanted so desperately to say and the look of pain on your face. When I went to Tampa to meet you and my grandson, I was so afraid to look you and him in the eyes because I didn’t want to see pain and struggle. Instead, while there, I slowly  became aware of the acceptance between the two of you, I was so moved by the courage of the individuals who stutter, children, teens as well as adults. How they got up and spoke proudly to everyone from a podium, with humor and intelligence, and some yes, with more difficulty than others. They made me feel comfortable with stuttering for the first time”.

When I opened this letter and read it once through, I had to put it down for a minute and catch my breath. I was so incredibly moved by it myself. My eyes welled up as I remembered seeing this mom at the conference in Tampa. I had no idea that she and her family were so profoundly effected by the power of FRIENDS. I read the letter again two more times, and remembered how impacted I felt by attending my first FRIENDS conference as an adult who stutters in New Orleans in 2008, and helping out in Tampa in 2009.

Self help, acceptance and support really does change lives. This seven-year old boy’s experience with stuttering will be forever changed by the love,  support and acceptance that he and his family has found through FRIENDS. How beautiful for them. How wonderful that Lee and FRIENDS continues to provide this lifeline of acceptance and love for the kids and parents affected by stuttering. Stuttering can and should be accepted, so our children will grow up feeling loved and supported and special.

What do you think? Wouldn’t you like to meet this mom and say thank you for sharing this letter? I know I would like to give her and her son a huge hug!

Wow! I started this blog post about a week ago, after reflecting on some things going on in my life and talking with several people who stutter (and one who doesn’t) about whether people who stutter are more prone to depression. I talked to good friend Jamie yesterday, and in asking how she has been doing, she told me to check out the latest episode of Stutter Talk.

I couldn’t believe it when the episode had the exact same title,” Stuttering and Depression” as this blog post. I toyed with the idea of changing my title, but then figured, “Nah, I don’t have to.” I will link the Stutter Talk guys and episode over here. There’s more than enough to go around when we confront and acknowledge our fears about depression.

Several people I know who stutter have also struggled with depression at various times. We have talked about it. Low self-esteem, constant fear of judgment, anxiety and stress related to the stuttering experience can definitely contribute to, or exasperate depression. Feeling isolated can also be depressing. And trying to keep stuttering hidden can heighten depression.

I have grappled with depression over the years, and finally feel comfortable enough to talk about it. The social punishment that greeted my stuttering, especially the negative feedback from my father, really got to me.  I always felt shame about my stuttering. For a long time I didn’t realize what an effect that was having on me. The more I explore my stuttering, especially my deeply ingrained covert behaviors, the more I realize how my depression and stuttering were tied together. I didn’t like to acknowledge I stuttered. And I never wanted to acknowledge my depression either. That seemed shameful as well. Made me even more imperfect.

What a relief it has to been to realize that I am not the only one who stutters and has dealt with depression. Both have long had negative stigma. Anything that makes me feel more prone to judgment by others has always been difficult to surface and talk about. But the more we talk about things, the less awful they become and the more we are just reminded of our humanity. And our need to share our lives with each other.

I am in awe of how honest and courageous Jamie is in this episode of Stutter Talk. Listen and learn. I certainly have. I consider myself so very lucky to have friends who are willing to walk with me as I explore more and more of my tough stuff, and are OK as I let it out. I am reminded that is one of the greatest gifts – sharing and listening and taking time for each other.

Also, today is Friday the 13th. Good friend Daniele Rossi, of  StutteringIsCool, has declared today as Stuttering Appreciation Day. So, if you stutter, appreciate yourself for the gifts that you have and bring to the world. And if you know someone who stutters, tell them how special they are, especially a kid.

I have written before that I participate in a therapeutic support group for people who stutter on Monday nights. After group, I spend time with one or two student SLPs, as part of individual therapy for me and practical work for them. This program favors fluency shaping, although they do combine stuttering modification as well. I have generally resisted fluency shaping techniques, because I see them as making me covert again. Given that, I have never really internalized any fluency techniques and so never really practiced them.

I have used this time (quite productively, I think) to work on acceptance issues and explore attitudes and feelings. I have been honest about how it feels to have had changes in my stuttering pattern, which has resulted in more overt stuttering, including blocks. Which I don’t like! No kidding, right? No one likes getting stuck! Unless you stutter, you probably do not know what that truly feels like. So I have been working hard to accept this new pattern. I have tried volitional blocking, to be more aware of where I am getting stuck. It is hard enough to block, but to try and do it purposely is tough. Especially with someone watching me. I’ll get to that in a minute.

A critic of mine tells me that I talk too much about acceptance. That people who have really accepted stuttering don’t talk about it or write about it as much as I do. He says I shouldn’t be just enduring stuttering, I should be doing something to overcome it, then acceptance wouldn’t be an issue that needs talking about. No kidding? If it were that easy, parents and kids would have no problem whatsoever with stuttering, right?

So anyway, in my individual session Monday night, the two students and I got to work on attempting to feel and see where my blocks occur. Both students say they can see when I block – in my shoulders especially and even in my abdomen when I tense up and lose air flow. I did not realize that. I try to pay as little attention as I can to what the blocks look like. But I guess I wasn’t really “feeling” them either. So even though I felt very self-conscious, I allowed myself to stutter freely to “catch” the blocking. I used a word that I get stuck on a lot. “Quick”. While stuttering naturally on “qu-qu-qu-quick” and really paying attention, I was able to feel my throat constrict and felt the lack of air flow.

So then I was encouraged to voluntarily block on “quick”, and no kidding, I felt it. I really felt the block.  I was totally aware of my air flow being momentarily cut off, and I was doing it purposely! Yikes! I did it several more times, and was amazed to see that I could finally block purposely for the express purpose of feeling what it felt like. The students commented that again they could see the tension in my shoulders and abdomen when the air flow was squeezed off and I tried pushing the sound out.

I learned a lesson. I can really learn to desensitize myself by blocking purposely,and not feeling so flustered when it happens. Good friend Greg at stuttering.me has encouraged me to do volitional blocking as much as I can. I really didn’t think I could do it. But now I know I can. I need to know how it feels. Greg has also suggested negative practice, where I block as hard and as much as I can, in an effort to eventually be able to “turn off” the block. No kidding!

What do you think of the idea of blocking on purpose? Have you tried it? Can you see some benefit? Do you think it’s a bad thing to encourage acceptance?

One of the things that I had always wanted to do was teach. But I thought I couldn’t because of stuttering. When choosing a career path in college, I remember thinking that teaching was out of the question.  It would require too much talking and who would want to hear a stutterer?  So I chose a field that I thought would entail less talking- social work. Well, it didn’t quite turn out to be less talking, because as we know, social workers/counselors talk to people every day. I had thought that at least I wouldn’t have to stand up in front of groups and talk, and risk stuttering.

Now, some twenty years later, I am doing exactly what I thought I could never do, and in a way, I am teaching. I consider myself to be very lucky. I have put myself in a position to be talking to different groups about the stuttering experience and acceptance.  And I really love doing it. It is a way for me to give and do volunteer work about something I am passionate about.  Over the last two years, I have facilitated several workshops and presentations on acceptance of stuttering and how we can manage it in our lives. Something I never would have dreamed was possible. And I don’t have to be a certified teacher to teach.

Two weeks ago, I helped to present a 6 hour workshop to speech language pathologists, with two other people who stutter. Our workshop covered therapy approaches for pre-school and older kids and teens, and adult considerations. I covered the section on adult issues and spent considerable time discussing covert stuttering. There were over 120 SLPs in attendance,and we received excellent feedback about our presentation. The day proved that there needs to be a partnership between professionals and people who live the stuttering experience.

Two days ago, I participated in a NSA Youth Day in Syracuse NY. I volunteered to present a workshop for parents. As it turned out, me and my friend Joe actually co-facilitated the presentation for a group that included both parents, students and professional SLPs. This was one of the most moving experiences I have had. We talked about stuttering being OK and acceptance. Parents shared their worries and fears and their hopes for their kids. Some shared that this was their first experience talking openly about stuttering, and hearing adults who stutter do so freely. Parents commented that they wished they had knew about resources like this long ago.

Some parents openly showed emotion throughout,  and especially when we had everyone practice voluntary stuttering. For some parents, it was the first time they had experienced what their child experienced. Two moms who had just met practiced voluntary stuttering with each other and both were visibly moved and teary eyed. They felt a powerful connection. We then finished with having everyone try a Chinese finger trap and feel how it feels to get stuck during a block. It was a good way to end the adult workshop. We had all shared powerful emotional moments with each other. I felt very proud and honored to be a part of that with my friend Joe and new friends from Syracuse.

The kids joined the adults as we concluded the day and shared with us what they had worked on during their workshop. Some of these kids had NOT wanted to be at this workshop. Their parents had strongly encouraged them to come. The kids made a video of what its’ like to stutter in public and get made fun of. It was amazing to see this, and listen as the kids excitedly answered questions about how they worked together to act this out. The kids were grinning from ear to ear. They had learned something about their own stuttering on this sunny Saturday. And the looks of pride on the adult faces was unmistakable.

A mom came up to me as we were leaving and asked if it was OK to give me a hug. She said she always thought it was her job to fix her kid. She said she feels relief to know that acceptance can be part of her job too. My eyes welled up along with hers.

Yep, it was a great way to spend a Saturday. I feel lucky to be a part of something I never thought I could do. All the smiles and tears will stay with me for a long time.

Has stuttering ever held you back? Have you ever been surprised to see that you CAN do something you never thought you  could?  Do you think its important for parents of kids who stutter to talk to and listen to adults who stutter?

I had a great phone conversation last night with a person who stutters who is preparing for and participating in job interviews. We talked about how important it is to communicate with confidence, even on words that we may stutter on. This person has finished his medical training to become a doctor and he is interviewing for residencies at hospitals.

He uses speech tools to manage his blocks, which he feels is very important in presenting himself at interviews. He finds the use of bouncing and prolongation to be most helpful in managing his speech, but mostly, helping him feel confident as he goes into interview situations, which we know are highly anxious situations anyway, but especially for a person who stutters.

He practices his speech tools every day, and was eager to explain bouncing to me. He started off by bouncing 4 or 5 times on the beginning part of every word until he was feeling no tension. He then reduced the bouncing to one or two times per word, and now only uses it when he feels a block coming on, He also uses some prolongations as well, again, to help him produce difficult words confidently.

He encouraged me to try it with him over the phone. He asked me to say 5 sentences and bounce at least 4 times at the beginning of each word. I felt VERY self-conscious doing this. I explained that I tend to stutter more on the phone than I do face-to-face. I am also uncomfortable using speech tools, because in a way I feel tools make me covert again.

This conversation reminded me of two similar discussions this past week. On Sunday, I spoke with friend Ridwan  who is feeling very frustrated about his lack of success on many recent interviews. He has a Masters degree in engineering and has interviewed with many employers, but so far, has had no call backs for a second interview or no job offers.

He feels very discouraged and wonders if his stuttering is getting in the way. Ridwan and I did a mock interview over the phone, and we focused on preparing answers to questions about strengths, leadership ability and career goals. We also discussed when in the interview you should bring up stuttering and how much emphasis one should place on this. After all, employers are hiring people who can do the engineering job, not who happen to stutter. We concluded with Ridwan mulling over the possibilities of calling potential employers and asking if he could do an internship with them, to get his foot in the door and acquire needed experience.

On Monday night, in self-help group, one member was talking about his lack of success in job interviews. He too stutters, and feels very discouraged and frustrated by the lack of offers coming his way. He went so far as to say he “hates his stutter” and that for him, “stuttering is a nightmare”. Fellow support group members offered him advice and support.

Today’s job market is challenging and daunting. Many people are out of work, struggling to find jobs that were once plentiful. A person who stutters has to carefully analyze interview preparations and be sure he or she is absolutely putting their best foot forward. One of the best tools might just be practicing interview questions with a trusted friend or family member, and working on sounding assertive and confident.

It is not easy, this economic and employment situation we find ourselves in. As a career counselor in a high school, it is tough for me to offer good advice to students who are on the cusp of transition from school to work or higher education. I encourage many of my students to go on to college. More education is proven to help advance people in their particular career pathways.

I also encourage students and job seekers to fully examine their transferable skills. Being able to communicate with confidence and conviction during interviews is critical. But remember, communication does not include 100% fluency. We can stutter and still be very effective communicators.

What advice would you offer to people seeking employment in today’s job market? Can stuttering be an asset?  How can you best disclose stuttering in a job interview?

Yesterday, I talked with two very special people. In both conversations, I felt very safe. Both people’s names begin with J, so I will try to distinguish our conversations.

Late in the afternoon, I spoke with mentor J. He helped me process some confusion I felt recently over being too trusting with people and letting my guard down. I am trying to understand why I do that so quickly. We talked about the very human desire to connect with other people, and feel safe when doing it.

For so long, I did not trust myself enough to let go and be honest with people. I always censored what I was going to say. Sometimes, it was because I was afraid of how I would sound (literally) and sometimes I was afraid what would happen if I let people get too close. Part of that comes from being disappointed over and over again in relationships, but not seeing how to re-frame that so I wouldn’t get burned.

When my feelings started thawing, I realized how much I want and need to be connected with other people. So I have sometimes rushed in and let my guard down too much. In my eagerness to connect, I trusted too much and sometimes got burned. And was reminded of the basic need we all have not only to be connected but to feel safe.

Our discussion reminded me of the basic premise of human development from Psychology classes. I am sure we all remember Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. The very basic of human needs is safety. And that includes both physical and emotional safety. Even when we are sharing emotional stuff with each other, we have to remember to establish boundaries and recognize red flags.

The other person I talked to last night was special friend JR. She called me, to reach out and share (like the old telephone commercial 🙂 ). We both have been going through some tough stuff and we both felt OK admitting that to each other and talking about how it feels to be down. We shared some good stuff and not so good stuff. And felt safe doing it.

We all need that from someone. To be able to connect deeply and without shame, and feel safe doing it. Even in an unsafe world, it feels good that we can still have that. But we have to be smart and realize that trust has to be earned, and that it is a two-way street. When you get burned, it stings for a while and you pull back.

Do you have people who you feel safe with? And do you know what to do when you don’t? Usually, it is best to trust your instincts.

This entry has nothing to do with stuttering but everything to do with life. It’s about how precious life is and how one can find meaning and beauty everywhere, even when we are not looking and our eyes are closed.  Today I want to share about a powerful book and encourage you to read it. It is about how one man is transformed by an unlikely encounter with God (whoever that means to you), after a very traumatic life event.  As my post title tells us, the book is The Shack by Wm Paul Young.

I am not a deeply religious person, but I believe that spirituality is connected to how we live our life and the people who we meet. I signed up for a workshop to be held next week. The workshop is on exploring friendships, and mentioned that this book would be the springboard for the discussion. I had not heard of  The Shack, so I  looked it up on-line and was intrigued. I started reading it last night and was immediately pulled in.

If you at all question why certain things happen or why we sometimes have to endure very painful situations, this book provides answers. It also provides ample opportunity to think, reflect, look into your own heart and soul, and put voice to the questions you may have deeply hidden.

One of the most stunning aspects of this story to me is how God is revealed to the main character, Mack. It is done in a surprising way, that “mixes metaphors and keeps Mack (and you, the reader) from falling so easily back into our religious conditioning”. The author removes stereotypes so that we are free to  consider possibilities and explore the relationships we have, and want to have.

I have not finished reading yet, as I am savoring every word. It is a work of fiction, but clearly an important one that needs to be shared. The “after words” section of the book asks readers to pass this along. One of the suggestions was to post information about this incredible story on our blog or web sites. It is also suggested that we could write a review of the book, but then we risk spoiling it for first-time readers. So, I am sharing this with you in the hopes that you will be curious enough to find and read The Shack.

We all have questions about who we are and why we are, and about the context of our relationships. Right? Lately, I have been forced to look deep inside more and more.  That is OK. I am learning. We all can. It is never too late.