Make Room For The Stuttering

So I have pretty much decided that I am not going to participate in stuttering therapy this summer. It will be the first time in three years.  I am going through a little bit of  early-mourning already, because I really like hanging out with people who stutter, and I like to talk about stuttering. We have group and individual therapy with a graduate student. I will miss the group the most.

I realize that I don’t want to fix my stuttering. So maybe attending a group called “Fluency Council”  is not quite right for me now.

When I discussed this with good friend, and SLP extraordinaire, Joe, who stutters, he suggested that maybe I have “transcended” therapy. That maybe I have got all I can get as a client participating in fluency shaping and stuttering modification. I don’t want to shape my fluency or modify my stuttering.  I really just want to be me, in all of my stuttering glory. And I think that’s OK right now.

But with this realization comes knowing I will seriously miss what has become a Monday night staple in my life. You learn so much by interacting with others who stutter, even when I just listen, or when we seriously disagree. I have voiced my disagreement when fellow people who stutter have talked about fluency being critical, and have challenged people who have said they feel they have failed when they don’t practice their fluency targets enough. I now know why I get so riled up when I voice my disagreement or strong opinion. I have very strong feelings about “who I am being equated with fluency.”

Because I am not looking for fluency. That is not the end-all in my life. I don’t want to be fixed. So if  I am not striving for fluency, then maybe I shouldn’t go to fluency council anymore.  Or maybe I just need time off. Or maybe I am just confused. What do you think?

I am also going to seriously miss co-leading Parent group. I was sort of surprised when told I wouldn’t be needed next semester to help lead the group. I loved sharing my experiences with stuttering – all of it – good and bad – with parents. I loved feeling that I was making an impact. Making stuttering less awful for parents of kids who stutter. I got a lot of positive feedback from parents. I saw value and purpose in my stuttering experience. I think I will mourn this too. Because there is value in what we bring to the table.

If I am all wet here, feel free to let me know. I can take it. 

Also, feel free to tell me that I Rock! All of us are Stutter Rock Stars!

The Wonderment of Life

Most of us begin our days with a continuous list of things we need to do to keep our lives running smoothly, but we rarely take time to note all the things we don’t need to do. For example, we don’t need to figure out how to breathe. We don’t need to find a way to make sure the earth continues to revolve around the sun. We don’t need to concentrate to ensure that our heart beats and our cells regenerate. All of these things, and many more, take care of themselves without our having to think or do anything at all. This is the miracle of life on earth.

 Beyond the wonder of the natural world, we have the wonder of human-created conditions such as indoor plumbing, electricity, automobiles, airplanes, telephones, and the Internet to name a few. Someone living just a hundred years ago would be overwhelmed by the ease with which we can communicate with people all over the world. Every day, millions of us jump on airplanes and fly to distant locations in a matter of hours. If we have access to a computer, we can read obscure information about any subject, free of charge, at any time of the day or night. And yet, it’s only when one of these miraculous inventions fails that we notice it at all.

When you wake up tomorrow, take time to notice how many things are running smoothly, how many small miracles compose your day. If you wear glasses or contact lenses, as you put them on, take a moment to appreciate the fact that without them, you would be unable to see. Your life would be entirely different if someone hadn’t invented corrective lenses. As you take in your world, you might feel a moment of gratitude for the basic fact that, once again, the sun has risen to illuminate the abundant earth, and the earth’s gravitational field holds you and all that you hold dear in a tight, life-affirming embrace. (Anonymous)

This piece was emailed to me last night by a very special person – Shaundrika!  Thank you. I found it so powerful that I felt compelled to share it and expound on it just a little.

Shaundrika worked with me as a graduate SLP student about two years ago. She touched my life. She and I fashioned some goals for stuttering therapy, but what emerged was the very essence of therapeutic relationship. I was extremely resistant to fluency shaping targets. That became apparent right away. Instead of insisting that I conform, she helped me to look into the windows of my soul and find what really matters (to me).

 This was no ordinary SLP-client relationship. We walked the journey of self-discovery together.

 She was not afraid of stuttering and was not afraid of me, even though at times I was afraid of both. Our relationship epitomized what should occur between two people in any relationship: give and take, authenticity, risk taking and respect.

I learned about who I am as a person who happens to stutter and I believe that Shaundrika learned about the stuttering core.

It is not what is uttered, or heard or seen. It is what is not heard, what is felt and what matters. It is what is inside the stutterers heart and soul. When two people walk that journey together, no matter how short the time spent, the end result can’t be taken for granted.

It is special. It is important. It is life affirming. It transcends the therapy room. It is the power of stuttering.

A couple of interesting things happened yesterday. A student stopped by my office, and wanted to use a computer during class time. I suspected  he was just making an excuse to get out of class. He insisted his teacher said it was OK for him to come to the Career Center. Teachers know that I prefer to be called first, namely to make sure I am there.

So, I called the teacher and began to explain that there was a student wanting to use the “com -com -com”. It was not coming out – I  blocked on the word. In the outer office, the student shouts “computer, computer”. Another teacher overheard this, and she came up to him, and said, “Don’t be rude to her.” Student says, “Well she didn’t know how to say the word.  Teacher says, “Of course she knows how to say the word. Don’t be so rude to her.”

Teacher on the phone heard all of this and apologized for sending the kid down in the first place. I suggested a time when student could legitimately come. Teacher who “helped me out” then came in and asked if I wanted to “do anything” about the kid who was so rude. I said no – wasn’t that big of a deal, and lets just drop it. I felt my face flush when we had this conversation.

My feelings about being “rescued” by the teacher are mixed – yes, its good that she stuck up for me and attempted to correct the student. The student was incredibly rude. He was shouting really loud. But I don’t want to be known as the one who needs other people to intervene. If she hadn’t done that, I probably would have said something to the student myself anyway.

What do others think about this?

The other thing is this. I gave a speech last night at an Advanced Toastmasters Club. The goal was to promote Toastmasters to others supposedly not knowing about Toastmasters, and use examples to promote goodwill.

Well, I didn’t do well coming out of the gate. I messed up the punchline of the joke/quote I  used for the opening line. It was very obvious – everyone knew it. I just sucked in my breath, stated the wrong assumption, and went on. I was braced for a tough critique. That is the purpose of this advanced club – to get honest, “hold nothing back” feedback so we can improve. I was not a regular at this club, but still expected to give and get this type of round robin feedback.

A couple regulars mentioned minor things- need to smile more, need to walk around more. But one guest, who had never heard me speak, used  words like “amazing”, “compelling”, “incredible”. He said “You messed up so bad at the beginning that I just knew it was going to be terrible . But you recovered and used the real-time example of tension so well, and that propelled you into one of the most powerful speeches I have ever heard. And when you mentioned you stutter, it made it all the more inspiring. When you said that, I was listening more for it and I picked up on stuttering. Wow, amazing.”

The other guest said something similar – that I have presence and people listen to what I have to say. He said he felt very lucky to have been there last night.

Wow!  Huh?  Went from one extreme to another in one day, and went to bed feeling pretty damn good about stuttering.

Today is May 4, 2009. Three years ago on this day, my life was irrevocably changed. I was fired at 10:36am from my job of 21 years. Because of stuttering publicly.

The day was a Thursday. I had just returned from 3 days off, where I had moved into a new apartment. Not having a clue my life was about to change, both emotionally and financially, I had purchased a new dining room set and living room coffee table. I had taken an extra day off to get all this delivered.

When I went into work, the managers let me go through the morning routine. I hosted a welcome breakfast and attend a managers meeting. When that was over, my boss asked me to go up to the Directors office. When got up there, I saw the HR Manager waiting in the room and knew something was up. When I went in, the Director told me I was being terminated and had to  leave that day. My manager sat in the background, looking at the floor. The official reason was “not meeting performance expectations”  and “ineffective communication.” (This after 21 years – new boss, convinced Director and Corporate to go along with them, short version.)

I was escorted to my office, not given a chance to talk to anyone on my way down. Security and the IT guy were there, and maintenance was called to help me get some of my pictures off the wall. I had a lot of stuff- 20+ years worth, and I was not going to leave a thing there. They said they would pack everything and deliver it to me. I didn’t want anyone going through my things.

The whole thing was surreal. My stuff was put in a shopping cart and rolled down the hall. It was lunch time, and students were milling about. They weren’t allowed to come and talk to me. Some staff came by, and saw what was happening. I  felt  like a criminal. One of the maintenance guys was unscrewing my name plate from the door while I was standing there with tears of grief streaming down my face.

Someone  said, “This didn’t have anything to do with your stuttering, did it? You should sue.” I was shocked someone would say that, because I thought my covert self had kept my secret a secret. Guess not.

I didn’t know what to do the next day, and the days after that. No one called me, I was grieving and depressed. I felt abandoned and isolated. But a little part inside me was saying, “this is it – you have to deal with this, you cannot hide your stuttering anymore.”  I had been looking for a way, and the way found me. 

Like a tsunami, feelings crashed together and washed over me –  fear, anger, shock, bewilderment, confusion – but I knew what I was going to do. Not suddenly, like overnight, but in the days and weeks to come.  I saw a therapist, a lawyer, found self-help, got a referral to speech therapy and joined Toastmasters, all at the same time, it seemed. I also was unemployed for 4 months, and sat outside by the pool in my new apartment complex, and cried, and swam, and read, and got a tan for the first time ever in my life.

My life changed that day forever, and so did the life of everybody around me.  I decided to take a stand and not go away quietly. I filed a complaint with the Human Rights Commission in my state, sought ADA advice, and filed a right to sue notice. After two years of not backing down, my former employer agreed to a minor settlement.

The money was not important (though it helped!) What was important that I was getting my life in order. Settling was a small victory, because I was ready to move on with my life and look ahead.

I wound up going on several interviews and openly disclosed that I stutter during those interviews. It was scary. Some people never called me back. It may or may not have been because of the stuttering. I took a part-time job in a place that felt right. On the second day, I asked my manager if I could talk to him. I planned to discuss my stuttering for a minute and get it out in the open. He started asking questions and that minute turned into an hour.

That part-time job soon turned full time. I was comfortable stuttering freely. People told me they admired my willingness to put myself out there. I found something else I was interested in. During the interview, they said they needed someone who was comfortable doing presentations. I said I had a lot of experience. They asked me on what topic. I said stuttering. They said I would hear back if I was to be invited back for a second interview. I was, and offered the job. I have been stuttering openly at work around colleagues and high school students ever since.

My life changed that day. I was re-born in many ways.  Happy Birthday To Me! Happy Birthday, Stuttering! I am so glad I found you.

Guess what? One of my sisters who I haven’t really talked to in a long time came by on Saturday. We both happened to need something from each other. Not unusual for sisters. But unusual for us, because we never really talk about tough stuff. We shared too much painful history, and its always been easier to ignore the stuff that we grew up with. But we’re both working on it, in our own way.

Anyway, as we were helping each other out, we were chatting, somewhat cautiously at first, then a bit more comfortably. We needed to warm up to the fact that we were actually talking about something more than just the weather.

Out of the blue, she mentioned that she hopes I don’t mind, but she tells clients she works with that I am a good example of someone who has overcome a challenge. (She is a MSW Addictions Counselor).  She said she sometimes uses my story of dealing with my stuttering, finally, after so many years of not dealing with it. I was kind of stunned, because she and I have never talked about stuttering. She said she told “my story” to one of her chemically dependent clients who was talking about his fears of public speaking.

She told me that she told him that ” my sister has done stuff to deal with her fears.”  When he asked, she told him I talk about stuttering now to whoever will listen, I don’t back down, that I’ve been on TV and that I joined Toastmasters.  She said, “I tell people its really cool that you’ve been on TV.”

She asked me if I was alright, because I was just looking at her, stunned, shaking my head. We have never talked about stuttering. I didn’t even know she really knew about stuff I’ve been up to. She has been keeping up with me on the sly!  It made me feel really good to hear her acknowledge  how I have dealt with stuttering to other people.  I am so glad she told me.

We then talked about a couple of other things, and she started telling me how she really misses her son and grand-daughter, who moved out of her home recently. She said she has a “hole in her heart”. We hugged, which we haven’t done in a long time. Here’s hoping we can talk to each other more and patch up that hole.

Have any of you that stutter ever had a similar surprising revelation? How did it make you feel? Is it easy or hard to talk about stuttering with family members?

Prologue:  I wrote this a couple of months ago, after this profound discussion with my trusted friend. Even though it doesn’t have anything specifically to do with stuttering, it is something that happened in my life, and I am grateful to be here to be able to share it with others. It matters. We matter.

I was honest with a friend. I told him I feel like I am buried under fresh earth, and I am breathing through a straw. Not breathing really, but gasping for air.

I shared that thought with a good friend, and he had the courage to bring up the issue of suicide with me and we talked about it, really talked about it. It was liberating to freely talk about my darkest thoughts, and speak openly with another human being instead of dancing around the issue that we both know needed to come out.

When I first realized that’s where he was going with the conversation, my eyes welled up and I was caught off guard, momentarily speechless. But then I thought, “Wow, he cares and has that much respect for me to take such a huge risk and plunge right into this.” We began to engage in healthy dialogue about a taboo subject, one that I had thought I could only think about.

I have never imagined talking about suicide openly, but have thought about it a lot, since I have been so depressed and sad lately. I feel trapped in an unhealthy relationship, and find myself only going through the motions, not really living, gliding on the wings of fear and guilt. Being unable to forgive my father, having him haunt me, always there, on my shoulder. And waiting for my partner to die.

My friend knows that I want, need, my pain and sadness to end. He sees me so sad and hopeless, and wonders where my anger is, why I have turned my anger inwards to guilt and sadness. He challenged me to show anger, to stand up to the man who we both know is snuffing the very soul out of me. He asked me to consider “do you really see murdering yourself as a way to end the suffering and pain?” I froze, had no ready answer, just stared at him, with tears running down my face, as I heard someone I care about, and who cares about me, put it so bluntly. To hear the words spoken jolted my thoughts.

He then further challenged me to think about what I really want for the pain and hurt to end, to stop, to go away. Killing myself won’t be the answer. Why? Because I will just be dead. I will not get to feel the relief from the pain and hurt that consumes me, the relief that I am looking for. If I don’t feel the relief, suicide then does not serve the purpose that most people believe it to; that I have believed it might serve.

I had been selfishly thinking that suicide would give me that end that I so want and need. My good friend helped me see, really see, that is not what I want. He was courageous enough to engage with me in this kind of robust dialogue that most people are too afraid to have.

After a half hour of really opening up, and sharing with him how I honestly felt and how I thought I might kill myself (the ways I had considered), I felt better. I could see and hear and sense that he genuinely was saddened that my situation had brought me to this dark place, and that I felt I had no other recourse. He provided me with recourse. Talking about such a feared issue made it real, and opened my eyes to the healing power of courageous frank talk with a fellow traveler on the journey of life.

I had reflected on suicide but never dared to talk about it openly, until this friend dared me to put my thoughts into words in a safe, non-judgmental environment. It is OK to reflect on the darkest, innermost thoughts we all may have from time to time. What a true gift my friend gave me that day daring to have a tough conversation that may have just saved my life.

“Fried ice cream is an oxymoron. I just can’t visualize it. It doesn’t make sense.”  These were the words of a fellow stutterer as I  convinced him to split an order of fried ice cream for desert after sharing great food, great company and the best stuttering. He was skeptical, because he’s not crazy about sweets and just couldn’t imagine what fried ice cream would look like. He could not wrap his brain around the notion of two completely different things coming together and tasting good.

James and I went out for a nice Thai dinner and good Belgian beer. He had wanted to “pick my brain” about stuttering, which was great, because I love to talk about stuttering.  And talk we did. And stutter we did. About lots of things.

First up was schizophrenia! James talked about how stuttering sometimes feels like two personalities, the fluent one who goes along comfortably for a while, and then the stuttering one who sometimes come out of nowhere. We both shared our experiences with how covert stuttering is very much like two distinct personalities. You never know which one shows up.

We both wanted to try food we had never tried before, to really enjoy the experience. Kind of like stuttering, we both enjoyed each others different stuttering. Our waiter was awesome,and recommend things for us to try and gave us plenty of time to talk and order at our own pace. We were so engaged talking that several times the waiter came and went, not wanting to disturb us.

We started with calamari. It was not what we expected – just like stuttering sometimes. We thought the calamari would be fried and crispy, but it was served cold and raw. Very different taste sensation. But we were game.

Interesting conversation. James mentioned something early on that resonated with me. He said he wanted to keep up with me in conversation. When I asked what he meant, he said that being with me, a stutterer, he felt he needed to stutter with me, so he curbed his natural inclination to substitute words and stuttered with me. He said its lonely if you are the only one stuttering. That was so cool! We also talked about eye contact -he mentioned that he thinks its great that I don’t break eye contact when I stutter, and that he notices that he does when he stutters. We talked about that. He gets embarrassed. I shared that sometimes I do too, it’s human and situational. Sometimes I break eye contact when stuttering at work and I shared that sometimes I squeeze one eye shut in an effort to push the stuck word out.

James leans in when he blocks. That is his tension. I told him he looks engaged when he leans in! Like he is so interested in what the other is saying that he leans in to hang on every word. I don’t think he bought it! James has silent blocks, and he told me how frustrating that sometimes feels. I don’t think I have ever really experienced a silent block. We talked about the different ways we stutter.  It was liberating.  So was the Belgian beer!

James asked me if I notice that I get more dis-fluent when with someone else who talks really fast. Yeah, I do, and he does too. We talked about slowing down, and both agreed that we talk and think so fast that it is very hard to slow down.

Over delicious tapioca and yam tum soup,  we talked about how the stuttering world has opened up for us both through the Internet, talking with others who stutter and doing advertising. We also talked about family histories of stuttering and family’s reactions.

Over the main course and the second bottle of Belgian beer, we talked about stuttering advocacy and ways to feel comfortable in your own skin. “I Do Me” is the first thing that came out of my mouth, and James agreed. He wants to feel as comfortable in one stuttering situation as he is in other stuttering situations. He stutters most on the phone and in groups. We both agreed that stuttering is so situational, that’s what a lot of people don’t get.

When it came time to consider desert, our wonderful waiter gave us recommendations and I convinced James to try the fried ice cream. When it came, he was amazed at how good it was and how two exact opposites so perfectly complemented each other. It was a perfect combination. The fried crunchy part on the outside, the soft and sweet ice cream on the inside. Just like stuttering.

We are complex. What you see (and hear) on the outside is quite often the opposite of what’s on the inside. Sometimes we stutterers keep a lot bottled up inside. But not on this night. Put two people who stutter together to talk and share for hours and stuttering magic happens. Just like fried ice cream.

Have any of you ever had fried ice cream? Can you see how its like stuttering? Warm and cool, crispy and soft, covert and overt all at the same time.  And have any of you ever had such a good time stuttering that you couldn’t believe how fast the time flew?

I’m telling you – there’s nothing like it.

I recently found myself defending the fact that I stutter. Honest!

It is a fact.  I was evaluated and diagnosed  as having a stutter,  I hear myself stutter, and other people identify my speech pattern as stuttering. Sometimes, though,someone with a more pronounced overt stutter gets a little ruffled and thinks mine is so mild in comparison that I shouldn’t identify myself as a stutterer.

I actually found myself getting defensive. I felt the need to convince him that I really do stutter. It brings me back to the time a couple of year ago when someone questioned why I was at a self help meeting for stuttering, because I obviously didn’t stutter. At the time, that person had made me feel as if I had crashed a party I wasn’t invited to.

That feeling of being caught between both worlds (fluent and stuttering) is very uncomfortable. I don’t stutter enough to “belong” with the severe overts who block a lot, and I stutter and repeat too much to pass myself off as fluent. I used to be able to do that when I just flat out avoided speaking situations.

So this guy who stutters doesn’t consider me to be a stutterer and takes offense when I identify as a stutterer because mine is not as “nasty sounding” as his.  Maybe he thinks I am a fraud. Maybe I am really impersonating being a stutterer?

My feeling is that this guy is struggling with his own stuttering issues and maybe has a problem with me having become so confident and comfortable in my skin and it shows. I have not always been like this. Just last night, at a speech I gave at Toastmasters, I told of being so afraid to be found out as a stutterer that I avoided most speaking situations. I was afraid of lots of things – mostly rejection.

My gut and heart tells me that’s what may be going on with this person, who said I don’t stutter, that I am “a fluent”. I am not a SLP nor any other kind of licensed health professional. But I am an expert in my own stuttering. Stuttering is variable, complex and situational. Its apples and oranges to two different people who stutter. It’s not a contest to see who stutters the nastiest. To me, its about how I present myself to the world. Do I communicate effectively? Do I get my point across? Do I engage and participate?

The answer, my friend, is Yes. I engage and participate with the world, sometimes while stuttering. We have to be honest with our selves first before we can be honest with the world.

I had one of those “sacred space” conversations yesterday, with someone I can be gut honest with.  I shared how overwhelmed I have been feeling lately, and how much I hate not being in control. So we began to dissect the pieces, leaving enough room for the inevitable tears. I have always hated to cry in front of anyone, but my authentic self knows it really is OK.

The perfectionist part of me struggles when everything gets all jumbled together. Last week was one of those weeks, and its been continuing a bit.

First I am dealing with a nagging issue that is putting life into persepctive for me, and my car broke down on the same day I sought treatment for it.  Then I had an argument with someone I care so deeply about that sometimes the caring hurts. And then my sister came to me out of the blue needing help with a serious problem, which brought me face-to-face with the issue of control.  Or, more precisely, lack thereof.

It’s scary – that feeling of not being in control. I will admit I had a melt down. It was as near to a panic attack that I have ever had.  I am sure some of you can relate to that.

So J and I talked about that. He asked me to consider how we might feel when confronted with the greatest loss of control: dying. That was  scary to think in those terms, yet it made sense. When faced with a situation we have no control over, rather than fight and resist, kicking and screaming, it may just be possible to surrender to it.

I had no control over some of the events that the universe conspired to make happen at just the same time in my life. Yet, I reacted like I could control everything, as I am used to trying to do in my world.  I cannot do everything.  Perfect, I am not. So, I have to stop trying so hard to be in control all of the time.

The world will still love me even when I feel scared, lonely or helpless. We  all have those feelings. Control is a big issue for me,  always has been. I need to work on surrendering, gracefully, to those times when I am not in charge.

Controlling my stuttering and controlling my emotions both fall  into this realm for me. I cannot control either of them as I wish to. Therefore, I should surrender with grace when need be. This too shall pass. Thank you , J, who is wise enough and brave enough to go with me into that sacred space where we can talk about the tough stuff.

In an earlier post, I referred to how I stutter sometimes as stutter-eze. It’s what I mean when I am stuttering so comfortably, that its hardly noticeable to me or the listener.

Well, I spoke stutter-eze this morning with a colleague at work. We were  working on a plan for student advisement, which we will have to present to the team on Wednesday. I stuttered on a few words, and she said something like how confident I look when I stutter. She then asked me if there were certain words I tend to stutter more on, or if I knew when I was going to stutter.

I told her how situational stuttering is, and how it shows up whenever it feels like it. I  shared that there are certain sounds I have more trouble with – and described them as  “class four” sounds, which meant nothing to her. So I further explained that words that begin with “t”, “d” “p” and a “hard c” often give way to stuttering.

I also shared that I almost always stutter in the middle of one particular word, communication. And as I said it, of course it came out like it always does, “communica-ca-ca-ca-tion”.  She smiled and said she has to be mindful to make sure she doesn’t stutter around me, because she finds herself doing that,and she doesn’t want me to think she is making fun of me. I assured her I am OK with that.

Then she asked me if I ever do get made fun of.  I told her “sure” and gave her the example of  when I couldn’t say American cheese at the deli, and the clerk told me I would have to buy chicken wings instead. She burst out laughing, and so did I. It was not funny to me at the time, but it sure was nice to share a laugh over a stuttering moment with someone who gets stutter-eze.

She then went on to say, “I hope you don’t  get offended, but I am going to share something biblical with you. God always picks the ones with a challenge to do the toughest work. Its amazing that with a speech difficulty, you are such a great public speaker.”  Of course I was not offended.

It’s fun to speak stutter-eze with someone who doesn’t stutter, isn’t it?

I have a big event coming up in a couple of weeks. I will be facilitating the induction ceremony for students at my school that have made it into the coveted National Technical Honor Society. I am the adviser for this school club, so it is my job to tend to all the details, finalize eligible students and orchestrate the ceremony.

I remember doing it last year, for the first time. I had only been in this position for six months when I had to do it. This is a “big stage” moment. It’s big deal for the kids – it is prestigious, looks good on their resumes, and affords opportunities for special scholarship monies not available to non-members.

This year, we have sixteen students participating in the ceremony, fifteen new inductees and one senior who carried over eligibility from last year. Last year, we had 10. We have exactly 30 minutes to complete the whole ceremony, which includes me explaining what the seven points of honor are, the candle lighting ceremony, having the kids recite a pledge (a repeat after me thing – a nightmare for a person who stutters). Then I call each students name, they come to get their certificate and their photo opportunity.

Last year, when I met with the students for practice, I had let them know that I stutter, and that when we got to the pledge part where I said “please repeat after me”, I asked them to not “repeat the stutter”. It was pretty cool of me to do that, and the kids didn’t bat an eyelash. When it came time to repeat those lines, one by one, they did just that, and ignored the stuttering.

When I called the names for the kids to come up and get their certificates, I stuttered  on just about every name. No one seemed to really care except my boss, who offered his negative critique the next morning.

So, if I have already done this once last year, what’s the big deal? Well, I am worried. There are more students names to call, and the same amount of time. I am worried that the time pressure might exasperate my stuttering. I am OK with it, but wonder if I should say something this year, when I get up to introduce myself and get the ceremony started. My concern is this: I don’t want the night to be about me and stuttering. Its the kids’ night, and their parents. It their time to shine.

But I also don’t want to NOT  say anything, and have parents sitting in the audience, possibly wondering, “What’s up with her?”.  Part of me feels like I should say something light and humorously right away,  and quickly make it a non-issue. Then I will feel relaxed and no one will have anything to wonder about.

The other part of me worries that it might not be politically correct to make such a disclaimer on a big stage. It might open one of  the “image conscious school personnel”  up to criticism or discomfort. I also don’t want anyone thinking I butchered the kids names. I want people to know, “hey don’t worry – its just stuttering.” 

That’s my inclination – that’s what I want to do. But the occasion is bigger than me. I am going to seek opinions. Any here?

In case you haven’t noticed, I really enjoy talking about stuttering. I have made room for it in my life, and it is my hope that you will too, if you stutter.

I have decided to move my blog to wordpress, because it has more editing options and some cool widgets that I want to try. And they have a free page view counter, which I am interested in, now that I have been blogging for almost 3 months.

So, if you know anyone who was reading me over at the other site, let them know I’ve moved. And please, feel free to share with others whose lives are touched by stuttering. There is value in sharing about our stuttering experiences. That I know.

And leave a comment too, so I know what you think.

I am a reader, a lover of books. Very often, a passage or quote will move me in a special way. Such was the case when I started reading a book I recently picked up at an independet bookstore. This shop is one of those where you can get lost in the aisles for hours or even sit on the creaky wooden floor with a treasured book and the sales people don’t get upset. As a matter of fact, they encourage that. I have done that many times, and lost track of time.

In this particular instance, I brought the book called “Broken Open” by Elizabeth Lesser. It is a spiritual account of how people weather change and transition. The question is asked: “Will we be broken down and defeated, or broken open and transformed?” One of the short chapters called Open Secret begins with an excerpt from Rumi, the timeless poet who wrote poems so alive that they still glimmer with freshness even eight centuries later.

The piece that moved me is so simple:

“Learn the alchemy true human beings know. The moment you accept what troubles you’ve been given, the door will open”. (Jelalluddin Rumi).

This can apply to many things in life – job loss, disaster, death, abuse, and stuttering.

The moment, hour, day that I accepted my stuttering, doors opened, wide. I had been broken down by fear and shame, and wore my stuttering like chains of shame. (I wrote a poem called “Chains of Shame”. It is posted on this blog on 2/16/09).

It was dark and heavy, being broken by my stuttering. I was fearful all of the time, and lived in terror that someone might find out I stutter and burn me at the stake or something. I much prefer this way, being broken open. My stuttering has opened doors for me, and I am walking through them, hell, sometimes running. I am now breathless and eager, instead of cautious with pounding heart.

We allow ourselves to be broken down or broken open. The choice is ours. My stuttering has become an open book. Anyone is welcome to read it, or better yet, lets read it together.

Today I was chatting with someone about stuttering. He told me he has a friend who stutters, but doesn’t know much about stuttering. He asked me if I stutter less around friends, as opposed to strangers or people I don’t know very well.

You would think the answer would be that I stutter less around friends, but its the other way around. Around strangers or people I don’t know well, I tend to mask my stuttering and feel some pressure to stutter less. Use those old tricks.

Around friends and people I am really comfortable with, I stutter more. That’s because I feel comfortable enough to do that, and feel so comfortable with that person that there is no need for pretense, tension, or conscious avoidance techniques. I consider it a very good sign when I am stuttering naturally, with smooth and easy repetitions. I have almost no tension when stuttering comfortably. Its also a sign that I like you very much when I stutter a lot around you.

I would never have given this question any consideration if I was still hiding my stuttering. I would have been embarrassed. And I don’t think my friend would have even asked. Being open allows someone to feel comfortable enough to ask that. And I felt perfectly comfortable answering his question, honestly. That is so special.

And what’s really cool . . . . . . . . a lot of people are getting to hear my stuttering. My world keeps getting bigger and bigger everyday. Reminds me of something that good friend Lee told me about a year ago, when I shared with her that I was out of the stuttering closet. She said very simply, “Welcome to the world”.

Yesterday I got a call from someone inquiring about the Toastmasters club that I belong to. My phone number gets to be listed on the website for our club because I am the president. So I get lots of phone practice, whether I like it or not.

The phone gives me the most trouble. I have heard other people who stutter say the same thing. I can’t quite figure out what it is with me about the phone, but sometimes I’ll block completely on the phone, something that I don’t typically do in person. I have had people hang up on me in the past, because I didn’t say anything and they weren’t expecting a stutterer on the other end.

Anyway, this woman called looking for information about our club and she had a lot of questions. English was not her first language, so I was having trouble understanding her, and more than once, I had to ask her to repeat something. She was nervous about joining Toastmasters, because in her words, “I don’t speak that well”.

I smiled to myself, and went about putting her at ease. I said to her, “Then we are just what you are looking for. Toastmasters is a place where people from all walks of life come together to practice speaking and communi-ca-ca-ca-tion skills”. (I often stutter on the middle of that word, in person or on the phone). She then wanted to know what types of professions people in the club were in and how many members we have.

I replied, “Oh, we’re a re-re-re-really diverse group”. ( I sort of blocked, and almost pushed the “reh” sound out, and braced myself for a negative reaction). She said something like, “you must be very proud of your group, to emphasize really so many times”. I laughed and said I sure was proud, and that I was looking forward to her visiting our club next week.

I enjoyed the humor I found in this situation. A couple of years ago, I might have been offended, thinking she was making fun of me, but this I took in stride and found the humor.

Coincidentally, I am planning to do a speech next week on stuttering. The speech goal is to deliver an informative speech on an abstract concept. I am going to discuss fears and desensitization, and explain how voluntary stuttering can reduce or eliminate fear of stuttering.

Hoo-Rah!