I had one of those “sacred space” conversations yesterday, with someone I can be gut honest with.  I shared how overwhelmed I have been feeling lately, and how much I hate not being in control. So we began to dissect the pieces, leaving enough room for the inevitable tears. I have always hated to cry in front of anyone, but my authentic self knows it really is OK.

The perfectionist part of me struggles when everything gets all jumbled together. Last week was one of those weeks, and its been continuing a bit.

First I am dealing with a nagging issue that is putting life into persepctive for me, and my car broke down on the same day I sought treatment for it.  Then I had an argument with someone I care so deeply about that sometimes the caring hurts. And then my sister came to me out of the blue needing help with a serious problem, which brought me face-to-face with the issue of control.  Or, more precisely, lack thereof.

It’s scary – that feeling of not being in control. I will admit I had a melt down. It was as near to a panic attack that I have ever had.  I am sure some of you can relate to that.

So J and I talked about that. He asked me to consider how we might feel when confronted with the greatest loss of control: dying. That was  scary to think in those terms, yet it made sense. When faced with a situation we have no control over, rather than fight and resist, kicking and screaming, it may just be possible to surrender to it.

I had no control over some of the events that the universe conspired to make happen at just the same time in my life. Yet, I reacted like I could control everything, as I am used to trying to do in my world.  I cannot do everything.  Perfect, I am not. So, I have to stop trying so hard to be in control all of the time.

The world will still love me even when I feel scared, lonely or helpless. We  all have those feelings. Control is a big issue for me,  always has been. I need to work on surrendering, gracefully, to those times when I am not in charge.

Controlling my stuttering and controlling my emotions both fall  into this realm for me. I cannot control either of them as I wish to. Therefore, I should surrender with grace when need be. This too shall pass. Thank you , J, who is wise enough and brave enough to go with me into that sacred space where we can talk about the tough stuff.