When I first started blogging 16 years ago, I don’t know if I would have ever used the above phrase – “toxic positivity.” I hadn’t heard the phrase much and it certainly wasn’t something I used.

But the phrase pops up occasionally in my social media feeds and I’ve recently heard peers who stutter use the phrase too.

I understand what it means but not how it might apply to my life. So I’ve thought deeper on this and now totally get how people who stutter might view, “You should try to look on the bright side.” That can feel very invalidating when you’ve shared with someone about a hard day, stuttering or otherwise. It might feel like you are being blown off or very much misunderstood.

Normal emotional responses, like sadness, anger or grief, can create shame when you’re met with family or friends suggesting you should try and be optimistic, that tomorrow’s another day. It can feel like “emotional pressure” to be positive all of the time.

When someone wants to talk about a hard day, where stuttering has felt more challenging than usual, it’s tempting to offer positive encouragement and say something kind, to try to soothe the pain a person may be feeling. But often, that feels like we’re not being heard, especially when the kind advice comes from someone who doesn’t understand the stuttering experience.

Most of the time, people just want to be heard. Validate what someone is telling you, resisting the urge to “poo poo” it away. Expressing and feeling negative emotions is hard work. No one wants to sit too long in negativity.

The former counselor in me suggests trying to use reflective phrases – “sounds like that is really bothering you,” or even “Hmmm.” Both of these approaches show active listening. Again, that is usually what your friend wants – to feel like you are hearing them without going overboard with sometimes “flip sounding” phrases like “it’ll be ok, or I know what you mean.”

Emotions can also be contagious. Try not to take on someone else’s negative energy. That won’t help either of you.

Recognize when someone wants to vent and be heard, without offering up fake platitudes.

Being too positive can become a negative.

What are your thoughts?