I am excited to be fleshing out a workshop with a good friend to present at the NSA conference in Charlotte this summer. Shame is a topic that is pervasive in the stuttering community but one we don’t talk enough about.

Shame at its core is the belief that we are not good enough because of who we are – not something we do or did. Feeling bad about something we did is usually associated with guilt. But shame has deep tentacles and can consume our thoughts because we believe that who we are is not good enough in the world we live in.

People often have trouble identifying shame. Or in my case, I’ve often thought, “Oh, I don’t feel shame anymore. I’ve worked through it.” And then I am surprised as hell when it has crept back in, oh so unexpectedly.

According to one of my favorite authors, Brené Brown, shame thrives when three conditions exist – silence, secrecy and judgement.

We usually don’t talk about something we don’t like, or think is a flaw. Silence keeps shame alive.

We usually don’t disclose something about ourselves we don’t like. Secrecy keeps shame alive.

We usually are our own worst critic when we blame ourself for something, even not within our control. Judgement keeps fear alive.

So what can we do to change this? We talk – we name it, process it and find a community of support where we don’t feel like we’re the only one who has an illness, a disability, or that we happen to stutter.

Part of the human condition is that we all fear rejection. We believe we will be rejected by society, by potential friends or romantic partners when we think something is wrong with us. We often intentionally choose to hide what we fear will result in rejection.

Hiding can lead to deep shame. The best way out is talking about it.

What are your thoughts about shame?