My good friend Lisa from the UK sent me this story about an experience she just had, about how avoidance makes her feel. I think some of us can relate.

I am a covert stutterer and have been since I was 8 or 9 yrs old. My aim in life has always been to keep this horrible part of me hidden, even when it meant sacrificing the person I wanted to be. I have always “settled” for second best in relationships, jobs and life.

About 2 years ago, I did think I could finally accept my stuttering. As my marriage fell apart, my stuttering severity increased, and I thought I had done a good job managing for a while. However, my old habits are now creeping back.

For example, something happened yesterday that left me feeling terrible about myself. I was faced with one of those typical situations of mine involving having to find something “hard to say” from a shop.

I decided to sort my garden out. I have always relied on a friend’s husband to do the grass, but he wasn’t around and my girls were desperate to play in the garden.

As I went to use my trimmer, I noticed that the cable cartridge had run out and as my grass was high, I needed to use this before I used the mower. I knew going to the DIY store was inevitable. I did text 2 of my friends but they didn’t have one. I wrote down what I needed as in the make and serial number and off I went to the shop.

I sat in the car in the car park and the usual thoughts went through my head.  How can I ask for what I need and switch words if needed? This is always the same for me for any shopping trip that is out of my normal routine.

I headed in and started to look up and down the aisles for some indication of where this item might be. I have often looked for something for over half hour rather than ask where it is. I would go home without it saying it was “out of stock” and try to get the next person who I knew was going to the store to pick it up for me.

I found the aisle quite quickly and started to track down my item. Then I hit a problem – my item code had two options on the shelf, with an ‘a’ or ‘b’ after the numbers. Now, I could see a person stocking shelves and I almost considered asking him, but that sick, “prickly” feeling I get when faced with asking someone something rose up inside me and panic started setting in.

I decided to take both of them. I could always get someone to return the extra one. I got to the checkout and scanned for the older person at the tills. If I do have to speak and happen to stutter, I find older people, mainly women, are not that bothered by my stuttering.

This time it didn’t work.  When I got to the till, the woman stated that I only needed one of these depending on the trimmer, and that I just needed to decide how dense the grass was that I was cutting. My heart was pounding now. I just wanted the items. I could figure this out for myself when I got home, but this woman was not giving in.

I managed to tell her that it was quite thick grass, so I’d still take both (and boy did I stutter). She seemed taken aback with this and gave me this very sympathetic look, which I hate. . .  and then, she called her colleague over to ask his opinion.

There are now about 5 people behind me, as it was very busy. She asks her colleague and he asks what sort of grass I am cutting. Before I can even try to get out the word, she jumps in with the answer, along with “the look” again. Now I am close to tears. I hate this experience, I just wanted to pay and get out of there.

He suggests I take ‘b’ , just in case, then asks if I have the original casing, as this is a refill. Then, I just lost it. I told him ”yes I have the casing and this one will be fine and thanks for his help”. At this point, I was stuttering my ass off and I just wanted out of this hellish situation.

I will never forget the look on his face. He then mumbled something and hastily began serving someone else. The woman put my item through and I finally left.

I felt like crap and got upset in the car, because I stuttered and people heard me. I know the easiest option would have been to ask someone in the first place and not care what I sound like, but I just can’t do that. So I put myself through all this and feel horrible for a few days.

I’m sure lots of other stutterers, especially coverts, can relate to this. Right?

I needed/wanted to share just how stuttering and avoidance affects my life every single day.

Can anyone relate to this? Have you had similar experiences?