There has been interesting conversation going on over on the covert group, of which I have been a part of for over three years. It is amazing how much people who stutter have in common, and how willing we are to share when we feel we have a safe environment and unconditional support.

A graduate SLP student posted that she is conducting a survey to find out more about women who stutter and to see what, if any, issues we have that differ from men who stutter. Several women replied that they are interested in participating in the survey.

I have always felt that women and men approach our stuttering differently. Point in case, in the self-help support group that I attend, which is 90% men who stutter, I have also felt that I am more relationship based with my stuttering and that the men don’t much like talking about the feelings part. Men also seem more interested in quickly learning tools and techniques that might help manage or improve fluency, while myself and the other women more often talk about and share issues related to feelings and acceptance.

Over on the Stuttering Chat group, there are often many discussions about how difficult it is for men who stutter to approach and attract the opposite sex for dating and relationships. I think women feel the same way, maybe we just don’t voice it quite as much as men.

For the first time in years, I have experimented a little with dating. It is as hard as I remember. It is awkward meeting someone you don’t know. I went out with one very nice person for coffee and conversation. We probably won’t see each other again, although it was a very pleasant evening. But I remember working hard to be as fluent as possible. I just did not feel comfortable letting my guard down with him. I stuttered a few times, and was pretty sure he chalked it up to just nervousness.

I also went to dinner last week with a very nice guy. We had a wonderful evening and will probably see each other again. The difference with him is that we got to know each other a bit over the phone first, talking for about a month before meeting. That broke the ice and made both of us feel comfortable. I told him I stutter, and at first he said he couldn’t tell when we first spoke. Of course – because I was intent on being as fluent as possible. But as we got more comfortable, I let myself relax and stutter freely, and he really doesn’t care. He hasn’t said he doesn’t care – I can just tell. He has gently teased me about it, which I took to mean that he is not at all bothered with it.

Telling people who you don’t know that you stutter is a hard thing to do. I worry about when should I say something. If I do, will it be a deal-breaker right away? Will the person be polite and then I never hear from them again? I don’t think its one of the things that you might post on your profile on the on-line dating things. Where would I put it? Under interests, likes, must haves, be nice?  I am sure men probably think and worry about some of these same things. In my case, it seems like I obsess too much over it. Maybe that’s my covert side coming it. As a covert, I was so used to hiding my stuttering, all the time, from everyone, and now that I want to be upfront, this part is still very hard.

I’d like to think that in matters of the heart, a small thing like stuttering shouldn’t matter at all. But it does. To me, and the others of us out there who worry about negative social reactions.

Share your thoughts. Do you think men and women approach their thoughts and feelings about stuttering differently? Are there differences in how people who stutter go about doing the dating and relationship thing?