Make Room For The Stuttering

The Seeker and the Journey

Posted on: February 20, 2009

Lots of things have been said about journeys. “Focus on the journey, not the destination”.
“In the end, it is the journey that matters “. “A journey to no where still starts with a single step”. All insightful, meaningful thoughts. Each of them could actually apply to aspects of our lives, my life, and my journey.

I recently read a powerful new book, “The Hour I First Believed”, by Wally Lamb. One of the characters makes this comment about journeys: “The seeker embarks on a journey to find what he wants and discovers, along the way, what he needs”.

That really resonated with me. Made me think, helped me put into words things I have recently been feeling about my own journey through life. We all seek meaning; try to make sense of the things that happen to us – both the big things and the little things. Perhaps I take things too seriously. I am a thinker; always have been. I think about things like karma, hope, destiny, purpose. I have often wondered what it is I seek, and how will I know when I have found it. I have been waiting for this mysterious insight to come crashing down and magically let me know that I have found the answer.

I had been doing that – trying to discover what it is that will make “everything all right with my world”, and haven’t really even paid attention to the fact, that along the way, I have already found what I need. Reading that statement in the book caused me to do what I have done a lot over the last several years –stop what I was doing, grab my journal, and write down my thoughts at that very moment. Sometimes I even do that in the middle of the night. I no longer think it’s crazy. It’s just my way to put voice to my thoughts.

What I have needed is to become myself. My true self, that which is emotional and sensitive, and vulnerable and imperfect. There is nothing wrong with that. For so many years, I was trying to pretend to be something that everyone else wanted me to be. That person kept parts of herself hidden because she didn’t feel they were good enough, or that she would be laughed at, or not liked. She kept her distance, didn’t let people in, and was always on guard in case her emotions seeped out. She never dared to reveal her true emotions. Fear held her back.

Embracing all of the “pieces of me” that make me “ME” – my feelings, my values, my stuttering, and my real desire to connect with others – is what I have needed all along. That is what I have discovered. I was looking for things that were already there. I just couldn’t see them, because I had buried them so deeply.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I still have secrets, and I still have fears. We all do. That’s what makes us human. But I can admit that, and that’s OK. Life is still a journey, and there will continue to be those insightful quotes to remind us of that. It is so much more joyful to embrace these discoveries, rather than discard them and keep searching for something better.

Could it be there really is such a thing as buried treasure?

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© Pamela A Mertz and Make Room For The Stuttering, 2009 - 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Pamela A Mertz and Make Room For The Stuttering with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. Same protection applies to the podcasts linked to this blog, "Women Who Stutter: Our Stories" and "He Stutters: She Asks Him." Please give credit to owner/author Pamela A Mertz 2017.