Today I was talking to one of the teachers at school, in a rather relaxed setting. The kids had just gone home and we were just chatting about what a long week it had been and how “ready” everyone is for vacation.

As we talked, I noticed that I broke eye contact a couple times and at least once, I did the dreaded “eye squeeze”. That’s what I call it when I know I am going to stutter on a word and I involuntarily squeeze my left eye shut, almost in an effort to squeeze the word out. I hate when I do that. It tells me that I am uncomfortable stuttering around some people.

Its funny, this topic of eye contact, because I really hate it when someone looks away from me during stuttering moments. But here I am, talking about when I do it. That’s a first for me. I must be really in tune with myself these days.

This teacher and I have have never talked openly about my stuttering, as I have with some others. Maybe there was some sub-conscious fear of judgement on my part. The good thing was, I recognized I was doing it. The bad thing was, I recognized it while I was doing the eye squeeze, which made me very self-conscious. I noticed that he looked away too.

But guess what? Its not the end of the world.

I wanted to post about this so I could own that there is still stuff I need to work on. My journey towards growth and acceptance includes being aware of some of the little things. I continue to search for balance. Sometimes, there are two very distinct parts of me competing for attention from the inner me.

Life is really a balancing act. I attempt to meet the world head on, and look it in the eye. Even when I am the one looking away.