When we work on ourselves, it’s never easy. No matter what it is that we are working on. We may be trying to be more healthy, to be more open, to be more honest, or move outside our comfort zone in ways we have not done before. We may be working on letting people in or finding the courage to let somebody go. We may be finally admitting something about ourselves that has always been uncomfortable or has scared us.

Whatever it is that we are working on, there is a reason its called work. It’s usually not easy. It requires effort. And in some instances it may hurt. Making changes often requires an “out with the old, in with the new” mentality.

Why am I writing about this today? I have been working on my “self” for a long time now. Within that big category of self is my stuttering, my attitudes  and feelings about different things, and how I feel about myself  overall as a person. Generally, I like me. Not everyday, but most of the time. We all need to like ourselves first in order to like and care for others.

As I peel away my layers, I have learned that I am extremely complex. For a long time, I have kept my guard up, created walls and not always really invited people in . I have learned to do that as a defense mechanism, to protect myself, to keep myself from getting hurt. Sometimes, I use sarcasm and resistance to keep myself at a distance, to avoid even the slightest risk of getting hurt. I know that about myself, and try not to do that, but sometimes it happens anyway.

I have allowed myself to open up and be much more vulnerable over the last year. I ended a long-term relationship, and felt hurt and pain and guilt and relief all at the same time. I have discovered that I trust people way too easily. I get hurt easily. Maybe it’s being naive, but I am finding out that I expect people to be innately good, and am genuinely surprised when they are not, when I wind up getting hurt.

Sometimes when I am trying to protect myself, my barriers actually wind up hurting other people. Someone at work asked me recently if I was aware that I was being very critical of her. I wasn’t aware. I recently made an unintended remark to someone in my self-help group. Someone was hurt. I wasn’t aware of that either, until it was pointed out to me.

What’s going on? Why is this such hard work? Why don’t we learn the first time around? I think it is part of the human condition. Right? We do things that hurt other people when we honestly think we are only protecting ourselves. So how do we deal with this? I think talking about it is a good first step.